I find Christmas/NYE very lonely.

LegacyUser

I feel extremely guilty for starting this thread because in the grand scheme of things I lead a very privileged life. I have a loving partner, family, a nice home and a decent job etc, I realise that there are many people who will face Christmas without some or all of those things.

My problem is that every single Christmas since I was a child I have descended into the blackest form of depression and I mean dark. I get so low that by NYE I don’t want to live another year. This feeling usually persists until the end of January.

I try my very best to put on a big show of happiness throughout Christmas but inside I’m dying of loneliness and emptiness. I know this probably sounds crazy when I’m sorrounded by loved ones but I feel a huge sense of loss, an aching void that nothing can ease.

I have started this thread as I would like to hear what other people do to ‘survive’ and even enjoy Christmas.

Rubberchikken

ill be honest and admit i love christmas. not the decorations or the lights or presents or even the meal. just the day itself and although ill be working Christmas night i still enjoy it.

but, i do realise and accept that others find it difficult.
my mum died christmas morning over 20 years ago and i refused to let it make me hate the day. hating it wouldnt have brought her back and i dont think she'd have wanted me to anyway.

it is a lonely time though. even surrounded by others that feeling can be there.
i dont enjoy january though. it always feels like a long cold wet month with nothing much going for it.

have you explained how you feel to your other half? it might sound petty but woukd planning a weekend break in maybe february help make january more bearable.

NIMAN

OP

Have you any idea why you feel this way? Are you missing someone?

And do you suffer the same sort of darkness/depression at any other time of the year?

December2012

A lot of people find the darkness really draining (think Seasonal Affective Disorder). What you describe is affecting you so strongly that you should go and tall to a sympathetic doctor about it.

witchgirl26

First off don't feel guilty at all.

I adore Christmas but there have been years since I lost my dad that I find myself putting on the Christmas spirit as I just didn't see the point. It's not been a nice feeling so I can only imagine how it must feel to have to do that all the time.

Is it a case that Christmas as a child wasn't that great? Or was there one particular Christmas as a child that wasn't and it stemmed from there?

I know someone who has struggled with Christmas ever since they were hospitalised over Christmas as a teenager.

Does your partner know how you feel? Could you talk to them about it so that you know you have their support to get through it all?

LegacyUser

OP here.

To answer your questions, my dread of Christmas started as a 9 year old when my granny died in the early hours of St. Stephen’s Day. My granda died on St Stephen’s Day a few years later. Down through the years six family members have died on Christmas week or in the week before or after.

I also lost two close friends, one was buried on Christmas Eve a few years ago following a six week battle with an aggressive cancer. The second friend took his own life on Christmas Day 20 years ago. I think of my friends every Christmas and I feel so guilty for still being here and having a nice life. They have missed out on so much of life. They would be 40/41 now. I think of all the losses, my friend’s suicide remains the most painful because there are so many unanswered questions.

Christmas frightens me because despite my best efforts to stay busy I seem to have little control over how depressed I become. I take on a split personality - for my partner/family/friends. I put on Oscar winning performance but inside I’m dying. Christmas is such a joyous time for them and I don’t want to interfere with that.

I hate myself for being like this as I know that there are so many people out there who are experiencing far worse.

Berserker

I'm in the same boat to a lesser extent in that I'm not one for Christmas and NYE is probably my least favourite night of the year. I 'grin and bear' Christmas day. It's something I dislike but it's nowhere near as deep as your description OP and I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your GP about the matter, if I'm honest. I categorise the Christmas period as a sh1t week or so in the year that I have to deal with, put my head down and get through it but it's nothing deeper than that. Not sure if that's is an option for you, OP. Come Jan 2nd I'm on top of the world, safe in the knowledge that it's over for another year. Speak to your GP, please.

SAMTALK

I think a lot of people feel this way. It's like your a grinch if you're not going around the place happy out.

I hate all the fuss and manic shopping but love closing the door Christmas Eve and not emerging until the 27th .
I find it very lonely for some reason and New Years Eve will find me in bed well before midnight.

January then proceed to be a very long dark dreary month which doesnt help

Goodigal

I was at a yoga class last night, and the teacher was saying that you don't have to like Christmas, but acknowledge how you're feeling about it eg dread, jealousy, sad, excitement, lonely etc and it really can help you accept your true feelings about it, and note that it's just another day. And we should be grateful for the smaller things in life like a hug from someone we love. Or a lovely brisk walk on a cold beach. Might sound a bit airy fairy but I got what she meant!
After a really hard year, I feel quite neutral about this Christmas but am truly looking forward to a new year. If your low feelings persist every winter, you should speak to your GP and hopefully get some help through the darker months. But I hope the day surprises you, and you feel the love of the family and friends that surround you.

La.de.da

I find it incredibly difficult, overwhelming and lonesome. Haven't put up a tree or decorations to keep some sense of normality. Don't have kids or a partner. My family all have their own families.

Some movies, books and walks will get me over it.

Chocolate fiend

I think there is far too much emphasis put on Christmas as an "event". So much expectation and so much potential for disappointment. Nobody is having the Christmas you see in the movies, but we are all made to think that we should be and that something is very wrong if we aren't.
I currently live overseas and the Christmas expectation is so much less, yes it is a nice day, most people are off work, Santa comes to most families etc. but the idea of a "perfect" Christmas is very different and a lot more attainable.

None of this helps you I know but I do understand the feeling because I have felt it as well, even when your life is as good as it could be it still isn't Christmas movie good and comparison as they say is the thief of joy.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever spoken to your GP about this? I don't want to go down the road of diagnosis because I'm not a medic but it could be something along the lines of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I agree that Christmas and New Year's Eve can be way overhyped. If you were to believe the many sentimental and saccharine advertisements, songs, movies and TV shows out there, we should all be having the best times ever.

As you've pointed out to us, in theory, you shouldn't be so down. You don't appear to be lonely or have the baggage that many who are alone at Christmas have. Something is triggering it and maybe there is a solution to it.

Edit: I've since seen your update. You've got a lot of bad associations with Christmas. I still think you could do with talking to your GP to see if there's anything that can be done to help you. Your first step might be to stop pretending everything is OK. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're hurting.

kerryjack

Its a horible time of year for sure with the rain and the darkness, it was dark all day here today. The last few years we book in to a hotel with a leisure centre for 3 night for NYE and don't step out side just relax and recharge after the Christmas. Remember from next week on the days are getting longer again. We ussaly have a right good ould time around Christmas and practically hibernate in January and pay off all our bills.

Finchie1276

Hi There,

I just wanted to stop by and see if I can help. I completely get what you are saying. Firstly we are programmed to be 'in hibernation' this time of year so its a bit of a stretch to want to be all out there and happy etc. That said lots of people do like the holiday, the break, the catch up. I'm similar to you though in that I am not a fan of Christmas, have enough money, have kids and a great relationship etc but I can really take or leave Christmas. My fantasy Christmas would be away for two weeks in December and come back in January! BUT - my kids love it so I go along with it.

I did not have good memories of christmas, not much money, difficult family situation and I have realised in the past few years that I do get low at this time of year - November to January.
I also miss people just like you.


Maybe this will help:
1. There is no obligation to like Christmas - you can just think whatever you want about it.
2. It is easier to wake up and say ' I'm gonna give today my best shot, I appreciate its not my favourite time of the year but I'm doing this for my kids'
3. Make sure you see that your perception of Christmas is strongly coloured by sadness - maybe you have not grieved, maybe you are afraid to grieve.
4. For those who you lost - maybe take a little time to imagine how they would feel if they knew you were sad because they had gone - they would want you to be happy.
5. Investigate SAD disorder - I am sure I dip into it this time of year. But long term sadness & despair should be investigated. Light therapy, anti depressants, Vit D etc - all contribute to getting through the blues.
6. Don't feel guilty about your sadness - it's a normal feeling and not inappropriate - if you feel it - you feel it. Accept that and decide you want to change it or accept it.

I jotted a few bits below - they may help. Sorry it is a ramble but I felt I was the only one that felt like I did but now I know I am not!


Take Care + do your best!



QUOTE - OP here.

To answer your questions, my dread of Christmas started as a 9 year old when my granny died in the early hours of St. Stephen’s Day. My granda died on St Stephen’s Day a few years later. Down through the years six family members have died on Christmas week or in the week before or after. ( HUGE LOSS HERE - WHY WOULD YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS?)

I also lost two close friends, one was buried on Christmas Eve a few years ago following a six week battle with an aggressive cancer. The second friend took his own life on Christmas Day 20 years ago. I think of my friends every Christmas and I feel so guilty for still being here and having a nice life. (DON'T FEEL GUILTY, THAT IS LIFE, YOU ARE BLESSED WITH A NICE LIFE, THAT IS THE HAND OF CARDS YOU HAVE, IT's OK TO MISS YOUR FRIENDS.


They have missed out on so much of life. They would be 40/41 now. I think of all the losses, my friend’s suicide remains the most painful because there are so many unanswered questions. ( UNFORTUNATELY . THERE ARE NO ANSWERS WITH THIS - HE TOOK HIS LIFE - MAYBE HUGE PERSONAL ISSUES, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, CAN YOU REMEMBER HIM, TALK TO HIM AND MAYBE CRY FOR HIM - YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A LOVELY GUY WHO CARED A LOT)

Christmas frightens me because despite my best efforts to stay busy I seem to have little control over how depressed I become. I take on a split personality - for my partner/family/friends. I put on Oscar winning performance but inside I’m dying. Christmas is such a joyous time for them and I don’t want to interfere with that. DO GET THIS CHECKED OUT - IT MAY BE SAD, IT MAY BE THAT YOU NEED A BIT OF SUPPORT AT CHRISTMAS. WHY DO YOU NOT TELL YOUR PARTNER HOW YOU FEEL?

I hate myself for being like this as I know that there are so many people out there who are experiencing far worse. YES, BUT YOU ARE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU SO SELF BLAME AND LACK OF COMPASSION ONLY COMPOUND YOUR PROBLEM. COULD YOU LOOK UP NON JUDGEMENTAL THINKING IN MINDFULNESS OR READ UP ABOUT SELF COMPASSION?

I hope things improve for you!

buried

The hyped up levels of consumerism and commercialism on the television were a serious problem for me, the non stop broadcasts of television advertising for weeks beforehand, where fantasy imaginary situations of actors having a great time acting a nice Xmas scene, makes you feel you have to be living the same life, and can end up making you feel guilty if you aren't attempting to act the same way. I can get through these few hyped up days grand now because I refuse to watch any sort of broadcast television. I don't see the constant adverts, I don't see the constant hype, I don't see the constantly portrayed fantasy in order for me to overly spend money and nothing else. I have two weeks off I spend on my own doing what I want to do with my time off work to enjoy what I want to do. Don't know if its the same for you or what OP, but I'd lay off getting involved in the hype and the noise of it too much. I'd really recommend laying off television or at least lay off watching TV adverts from my own experience. Use it as a holiday for time off to learn something new for yourself with the free time you have. The free time is precious and the best thing about this time of year. I got it by killing my television.
Reading and watching my own collection of things is what I like to do this time of year. I'm learning Italian at the minute online, last winter it was Spanish. use the holiday time for you, don't let the holiday time use you instead.

WoollyRedHat

I think it's also related of how we live in cycles we live in. Not trying to infer that's why you feel the way you do but that maybe subconsciously a lot of people might feel this way.

The end of year is coming with January representing that new cycle, a time of new beginnings so to speak, old lives and new lives and people can project or measure more because of this against a backdrop of regret, sadnesss, guilt and perhaps a pang of despair, with an overwhelming flood of feelings coming to the surface , whether it be those who have been dear in our life that have left us or where life hasnt gone to plan, it can be like a cliff edge in that regard, especially when you think look back to the past or even into the future, when life hasn't panned out the way you might have imagined or you've experienced moments of tragedy and you have those feelings of anxiety or dread that are unwavering at the back of your mind. What was, what is and what might never be, the overbearing feeling of loneliness and feeling rudderless in the moment , even if you have loved ones who support you, with no perfect answers presenting themselves from them despite best intentions and expectations .

The idea that Christmas and a new year is to be full of magic and possibilities, is a double-edged sword in that regard, especially when your overall experience is swinging to the other end of the pendulum, with overbearing pressure to put on a happy front and embrace the 'festive cheer' whether that is coming from societal demands or those close to you .

I hope things get better, for both OP and all that might feel this way. There shouldn't be a stigma in admitting this especially at this time of year , such is life , the human condition.

Sorry if any of that may sound pretentious, but it contextualises how I see it, through personal experience too.

retro:electro

I think the fact that you have lost so many loved ones specifically at this time of year means internally you almost shut up shop for fear something may happen again. Do you find it an exhausting time also? It sounds like it is when you describe “putting on a performance” for everyone around you. I’m sure that kind of pressure just makes things worse. I think you still haven’t fully dealt with the losses that have affected you so badly, it’s almost like you associate death with this time of year. It wouldn’t do any harm to speak to someone about it, and try not to put so much pressure on yourself or feel guilty for not feeling it. This time of year is a chore to many. Few would outwardly admit it though.

buried

It's the enforced "jollity" of the whole thing, for a full month of December we are all told by every mainstream facet of mainstream media culture, TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, that we all have to go all out on a enforced mindset of "having a good time". These same media outlets will then proclaim in the second week of January its "depression monday" because the whole thing is over and you have to start paying the bills for it. Ignore all that noise. IMO everybody should ignore it all year round. The whole thing has become a set up to use us. Christmas has become the pinnacle of usury.

Jessie Belle

I cry every new years eve when the horns blow and fireworks go. Its an emotional time no matter what. Feel what you feel then look forward to the year ahead. I wish you all the best x

Purple Mountain

Could I also add that alcohol is a major depressant.
Most people over indulge in alcohol over the festive period so maybe you should look at too as being a contribution to your feeling of bring down.
It's no wonder that you associate this time of the year with sadness and gloom having had so many bereavements around this time of the year.
We lost an exteded young family member very suddenly and tragically one Christmas. It certainly does make you a bit more reflective and sad at that time seeing other people celebrate while you think of the person who's not there.
You could turn this around to a positive by giving thanks and being grateful for being alive and having a lovely family and good job etc.
Light a candle for your loved ones who have passed and just say a silent thanks that you get to be here to enjoy your life.

Xterminator

Hi Op

there is a campaign slogan "its okay to not be okay" and that's very applicable to you & how you feel.

The fact you try to hide your feelings means that you add the pressure of appearing fine to all the other stuff going on already. Stop that and break the cycle.

If you need help (and you do) please reach out to your support network of partner/family/friends/GP/Samaritans. Posting here on boards is the 1st step on the road. Well done for that.

As you can see from some of the replies this can be the very hardest time of year, and plenty of people are in the same boat.

BrokenWingz

I can relate completely. I also find Christmas very lonely and sad, though I am forced to put up a tree and decorations for my partner. Nearly all my family are gone and though we do have a place to go for dinner on the day it isn’t ideal. I would love to be able to sleep through it all. The only thing I can do is remind myself that it will be over in a few weeks’ time and life will start looking up again. Christmas is really for children in my view so we donate to a children’s charity that provides gifts and that is the only “positive” thing about it for me.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I want to sincerely thank everyone who contributed to this thread. I appreciate all your advice and suggestions. I did increase my Vitamin D3 intake in October when the clocks changed but I’ll definitely discuss SAD with my GP.

When I started this thread on Tuesday evening, it was after I had attended a Carol Service organized by my son’s school. This is going to sound mad but on hearing “Oh Holy Night”. I was immediately plunged into grief and panic about Christmas. It was like a trigger, I love the hymn but I can’t listen to it without becoming upset. I have always associated it with funerals and times of great sadness.

However, I was fully expecting this Christmas to very different from other years because there have been so many positive changes in my life in the last six months. Personally and professionally it has been a very good year. Hence the reason for feeling so guilty. I have absolutely no right to complain of moan about anything. From a health point of view, I completely overhauled by diet and fitness regime this year and I had been feeling fantastic physically and mentally. On Tuesday night I felt all those gains were slipping away from me.

At this very moment, I feel like a massive piece of CONTAMINATED WASTE and my biggest fear is I will taint the lives of my son, partner and my family/friends. I want them to thoroughly enjoy Christmas. I’m beginning to wish I had an ‘on call’ occupation so I could leave them to enjoy the holiday break.

I usually adore cooking and entertaining (and this was always a positive distraction in previous years) but I’m struggling this year.

For my partner, I’m absolutely terrified that he will sense this period of unhappiness and feel it has something to do with him when it has absolutely nothing to do with him at all.

I’m exhausted from acting happy and trying to be “perfect”. I find myself seeking out solitary activities (cleaning, ironing) so I don’t have to talk or make an effort. When I can’t give 100% or if I feel I might become negative or a burden I have an overwhelming urge to remove myself from people.

Thanks again everyone, this thread has allowed me release things that I can’t or don’t want to share in RL.

I discovered one thing this week - over the years I’ve seen numerous Mass cards with the words - “Grief is the price we pay for Love”. It always seemed like an overused cliche but it is a very true statement. I’ve been blessed to have had some wonderful people in my life who I loved dearly and the grief and loneliness I feel at Christmas is a reminder of how lucky I was to have known them and how much they mattered.

I wish you all well over Christmas and I hope you all have a very Happy & Healthy 2019. Thank you again.

December2012

Why can't you tell your partner how you feel without them feeling that it's because of them?

You have many (valid) reasons to feel grief, and even if you didn't, it's still okay to not be happy.


You don't have to be happy all the time

Sycamore Tree

I find exercise is best. I step up my running or gym visits at Xmas and usually feel much fitter by early January.

It's also important to find the windows of decent weather during any given day and get outside for an hour or more. You might think it rains 99% of the time but that's far from the case.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you need to do something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? It looks like you've tied Christmas up with a lot of triggers and thought processes that bring on your unhappiness. Perhaps a good therapist (I'm sure your GP can direct you to one) can help you with this. I also think the pressure you're putting on yourself to pretend everything's wonderful isn't helping. Why can't you tell your partner that you're finding it difficult? I think it'd lighten the load a lot.

rani24

You are not alone if you look at opposite side what would you feel if you are not working. Not with your family. No partner. You still better than me. Just say thanx god for what you have and what you achieved cheer up dont give a matter that big enjoy it as it should be and merry Christmas to all of you guys

joeguevara

OP I hope today was ok. It is not something you can easily change because it would appear that this time of year has triggers for you which causes your mood. And some posts about you should be grateful what you have, while well meaning, aren’t helpful to you as they can make you feel guilty.

Taking ownership of how you feel is the first step and trying things like CBT would be useful. Also if it only affects this time of year is positive as then it would point at the triggers being the issue and not something that lasts all the time. Maybe explaining everything to your partner would be positive and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

YoungRogerian

Don't feel guilty. I have always loved Xmas but I hate New Year's eve with a passion, I find it a very depressing day. This year I noticed xmas itself I was completely indifferent to. I think part of it was to do with the fact my brother moved out of home lately so instead of him constantly being at home for xmas, my xmas time with him was about an hour for dinner. New Year has been a pet peev of mine for years, much harder to explain without giving way more personal info than I ffeel the need to give right now.