How to handle sensitively

LegacyUser

Going anon for this one, although I am a regular poster on this site.

In the grand scheme of Personal issues, this is minor but at the same time,it does occupy my mind. I am due to spend New Years with the in-laws, and while, in general, they are good, decent, generous people, my Mother In Law can be so tactless to the point that it really can upset / grate me.

My own parents are 4/9 years older than her respectively, but she makes them out to be incapable, incapacitated and years older than her, in things she says and does. My parents, thankfully, are full of life, extremely sociable, with a wide circle of friends,they live life to the full. Both suffered some ill health last year but thankfully, both have made a good recovery and are coming back out to enjoy a good social circle.

My inlaw made a comment a couple of months ago, that they would be a) in a home if it wasnt for my own siblings being around, b) she consistently makes comments around 'at their age, they cant do this, wouldnt understand that ' and it bugs the $$$$ out of me! Honestly, I dont™t think she means to be so tactless, but she can be insulting to others as well. For example, her sister in law was modelling an outfit for her one evening that I was there, an outfit that she was to wear to a wedding the following day, my inlaw sniggered and laughed and said 'You are not wearing that, are you??'.I was mortified for the sister in law!

On another occasasion we were all invited to a family wedding on my husbands side. Me, him and 3 kids. My opinion is that weddings are not the place for children.They dont enjoy it, and I dont relax! I said this to my inlaw, and she curtly said, 'Sure who would we have to mind them'..I replied my family would be delighted,and her reply was 'oh,would they???'.I felt like going across the table at her.

She can be very controlling when it comes to my children ( and her own I might add!) , the only grandchildren she has. My parents have 12 and love them all equally! I had my parents lined up to mind my kids over 2 days earlier in the year, and they were looking forward to it. But inlaw, insisted she take them to her house ( 2 hours away), because she wanted to bring them somewhere the following morning. Transpired the kids never left the house for the full 2 days they were there - which is fine, but then why insist and make up a plan!.

I know I know in the grand scheme of things this is very minor..But I do find her tactlessness hard to bear sometimes. I honestly dont think she means it - but she is very socially unaware of what impact her words have on people. She can be lovely, and kind and everything a grandmother should be but I really struggle sometimes, and I am not really looking forward to spending days with her and her comments.

It may be my over-sensitivity so please do say if that is the case! I dont want to come across that I dislike her, because I dont - but I really just want this not to be an issue. Any advice on how to handle, without causing a rift,would be appreciated.

zapper55

Smile.and nod. Or say mmm with a big smile. Dont know why you are getting so exercised about her comments. And next time you make plans with the kids and your parents, keep to them. Don't give her the opportunity to.comment. if she must, just say ah no we are doing it that way. All.with a big smile

You are giving her far too.much space in your head.

ncmc

I agree with Zapper, just ignore her when she says something like that. I don't think any of the examples you've given are that bad. The one about your parents needing to be in a home though is downright rude though, I would reply something along the lines of 'that's a very hurtful thing to say, my parents are hale and hearty and well able to look after themselves thank god'

I don't get the one about the kids at a wedding? I don't see where she was tactless or rude there.

She sounds like she's quite interfering though which I know can be very annoying. With people like that, I find you just have to keep your business to yourself and not let them get involved. You should have left your kids with your family as planned earlier in the year. You should have said that your parents were looking forward to minding the kids and you'd be happy for her to take them to do whatever activity it was another time. You shouldn't adjust your plans at her say so. People like that, you give an inch and they take a mile.

Overall though, I think you are being a bit over sensitive. It does sound like she loves the kids and treats them well and she doesn't sound the worst as far as MIL go! Read back over these forums and you will get your eyes opened as to some in law behaviour. I would say ignore her comments for the most part, but don't let her walk over you at the same time

LegacyUser

There's a fine line between being tactless and a bit of a bi*ch! She's close to the latter! Next time you have made arrangements for your parents to look after your child, do not let her shoe horn her way in there and take the child. You need to be firm with her. She doesn't get to call the shots. She sounds like the type of person who needs to be in control even to the point of demanding to take your child just so she can be the one to have the child and not your parents.

Add in the comments about your parents, and I would be hitting the roof! She sounds incredibly rude! The next time she makes a similar crack about them call her out on it. Ask her why she feels the need to speak about them the way she does when such comments couldn't be further from the truth. It might actually shut her up.

Rubberchikken

comparing your parents and your mil isnt fair or wise.
naturally youre going to think well of your parents and see every fault yoyr mil has.
yes she sounds unpleasant and a little controlling but i also get that she coukd be insecure abd lacking confidence so probably feels better knocking others.

you could take her up.on things if youre unhappy with stuff she says or you could just try to ignore her jibes and feel a little sorry for her. it may help to put things into perspective.

Purgative

Yep this is the time of year for in-laws to irritate the shoite out of us. I feel your pain OP, both empathetically and in my own little world.


I agree Zapper.


Best of Luck.




If it helps there'll be loads of nerves grating over the next few days.;)

Paddy Cow

Anytime she makes a comment about your parent's age/health/capabilities, say in a jokey way "sure they're only 4 years older than you and you're grand". She'll soon stop saying it.

Letting the kids go to her when you had arranged for them to stay with your parents was your bad though. You are their mother and she can "insist" all she wants but you shouldn't back down. That's disrespectful to your parents.

pwurple

Nursing home stuff is easy.... "Ha, have you your own picked out?"

I'd counter all that stuff with banter, and simply correct her when she is way off the mark. You're letting her misconceptions go completely unchallenged, which is just reinforcing it. If you don't speak up, you're effectively agreeing with her. Same on the kids going to her. You're backing her up every time.

I know though, when you're quiet yourself, it's all fuming inside, and nothing coherent comes out! My husband is kinda like that. I'm from the blabbermouth family, who doesn't take any sh1t, and gives loads of it.

She actually sounds quite like an unfettered version of me! I think I'd get on well with her. I'm all for speaking your mind and generally not too bothered if people correct me. No prancing about on eggshells, she will probably appreciate straight talking.

RhubarbCrumble

Maybeitsme wrote: »

It may be my over-sensitivity so please do say if that is the case!

No. It is absolutely NOT you being over sensitive. I can say this with complete confidence because my partner's mother is the exact same. Her current thing is pulling her 'poor little old lady' act and my partner can't bloody see though it!
As far as he's concerned, Mammy can do no wrong and the sun shines out of her arse. His Dad (an absolute gentleman, you couldn't meet nicer) isn't well at the moment and 2019 is going to being a host of new problem with her because of this.

Anyway, enough of my problems, can I ask, do you have your partner's support in any of this? Whose side is he on when his mother starts this nonsense? Is he standing up for you at all?

I'm at the stage now where I have as little as possible to do with his mother and her sly remarks and comments, and in the new year now, think he'll be visiting her on his own. Can you do similar with yours? If she wants to see the kids, can your husband take them?

I'm at the stage ( late thirties) where I'm starting to think I'm too old to be putting up with all this. I don't know how old you are, but you deserve a lot more respect from her and your partner to stand up for you.

SirChenjin

+1 to Rhubarb Crumble I was about to ask the same re your partner.

I'm not sure there is a need to handle it sensitively - as per your thread title.

Interestingly people who are completely tactless and 'say it like it is' often become hurt bunnies when someone gives it back to them. So, in other words, they can give it (the insensitive, tactless comments) but can't take it when someone is equally as rude back to them.

I'm not suggesting that you will do that, and of course most people want to keep the peace. I'd suggest practising not letting her get to you. And having a few prepared lines for the things that particularly bug you.

'Hahaha, sure aren't they only a few years older than yourself', for any reference to your parents, for example.

Don't change plans, if your parents are about to mind the kids, well then, that's what happens, and just let the nonsense go in one ear and out the other.

I think it is crucial that your husband is in your corner in all of this.

Blank expression is also very useful, and pretending to only half-hear something. She won't change but you can change your reaction to her.

All the best.

Paddy Cow

SirChenjin wrote: »

I think it is crucial that your husband is in your corner in all of this.

That's an important point OP. Does your husband support you or does he not see a problem? There can be a tendency for some Irish men to turn a blind eye and not get involved with Mammy/Wife situations and that just exasperates the problem. If you have made plans with your parents and your MIL wants to change them, does your husband support you or your mother? He needs to back you up 100%. When the husband does this, the MIL will back off pretty quick but if she can manipulate her son, she will never change.