Babys absent father wants a Christmas visit

linpoo

My babys father has not bothered with the baby at all. He now wants me to meet with him for a Christmas visit.
I'm unsure what to do as I don't think its right he can turn up when it suits him. Ive tried all year to get him to visit him and decided once the babys 1st birthday came around that i was done trying.

He has made promises in the past, he's very unreliable.

sbsquarepants

Personally I think the kid is still young enough for it not to have any effect if he turns up once and then disappears again, so I would look on it as a trial run of sorts. I'd let him visit and see how it goes - once the kid is old enough to notice though, I wouldn't tolerate any dipping in and out of their lives whenever the mood took him.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Do what my mother did. She purposely didn't tell me about arrangements or got me excited as she knew he wouldn't stick to his plan. On the days he did arrive, as I child I would think "oh daddy surprised me". This went on for years and now me and him don't talk anymore. I've seen him for what he is. I've seen him make plans and let me down. For years I taught he was the bees knees with his surprised visit but really it was that he didn't turn up the majority of the time and "surprised me" when he was bothered. Let him see the child but don't hold hope against anything

Sephiroth_dude

Tell him to **** off, he can't just show up when he wants, had this sort of behaviour with a cousin and her two kids,one was 4 and the two at the time, my cousins ex up and left wasn't seen for months and showed up at our door and Christmas day having heard nothing form him for months, he was promptly told to **** off and come back in the new year, he can't just turn up and be a dad when it suits him.

Big Bag of Chips

How old is the baby? I think you should allow him to see the baby, but he doesn't get to dictate date, time and place. Make it at a time and place that suits you. Be careful of him wanting to take the baby away for the day to visit his parents (who it is very likely are the ones pushing for this). Also use this opportunity to ask him would he like to arrange more regular access.

It is very unfair that he gets to swan in and out, but that's how it is. And if he went to court for access, you would have to make the baby available for access, he wouldn't have to avail of it though.

Dont give him any ammunition to accuse you of refusing to let him see his child. Make yourself available, and let him be the one to disappear. Your baby hasn't a clue who he is. This visit will have no effect on them whatsoever.

wiggle16

There's definitely someone else pushing for this in the background, the dad of my cousin's son didn't see him for years and is now back on the scene out of nowhere, brought her to court and everything cos the access she was offering "wasn't enough" (and luckily he lost) - and it was defo to do with his family and saving face, not him.

As others have said, you will be making a rod for your own back if you refuse and will look like the bad guy while he gets to play the victim. Allow the visit but do it entirely on your terms - make it clear you are fitting him into plans you've already made (whether you've made plans or not is irrelevant) and put your foot down about anything that doesn't suit you.

Chances are he will not follow through but if he does you can never be accused of denying him access to his child.

professore

Tell him once his child maintenance payments are up to date he's welcome to visit. I assume he isn't currently paying you anything?

linpoo

Thanks everyone. I will arrange it for an hour for when suits me and he will probably cancel as he has most other times. He has only seen the baby once this year and i think it is his 2 teenage children who are pushing for the visit. The baby is 15 months.

SeaFields

Some good advice already. Maybe just to place context on it if someone else is pushing for it as some have mentioned (and I know it is very early days). A former work colleague got pregnant unexpectedly after a short fling. He wanted nothing to do with the child but the grandparents asked to be involved and were fantastic and supportive of the girl and still are afaik. Just something to keep up in mind that others might not be as wasteful in the opportunity to build a relationship. Not an easy decision for you with regard your op - good luck.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

Tell him once his child maintenance payments are up to date he's welcome to visit. I assume he isn't currently paying you anything?

maintenance and access are two separate issues so even if he's paid nothing, he can go to court and seek access. OP can try using maintenance as threat but should be aware legally they are treated separately.

OP as others have said let him arrange a visit but on your terms, when and where suits you. Lay down the rules now. While the child is young it makes little difference to them but as they grow older they can't have a parent who floats in and out of their life like that. Make the effort for the visit, encourage a set visit monthly or weekly, what ever suits you and make it clear he sticks to it or the visit stop. The child deserves to have their father in their life but you can't make him be a good father. What you do want is when your child asks years down the line what happened that you can say you tried, that he can't make claims that you kept his child away from etc etc and ruin your relationship with your child.

retro:electro

I would ask him where has be been the other 364 days of the year. No point being overly sentimental about seeing the child at Christmas when you don’t give a shlte the remainder of the year through.
I’ve seen dads like him turn up once a year at Christmas and think they’re great and their duty is done.

GingerLily

linpoo wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I will arrange it for an hour for when suits me and he will probably cancel as he has most other times. He has only seen the baby once this year and i think it is his 2 teenage children who are pushing for the visit. The baby is 15 months.

Its nice that they want to meet their sibling, it must be hard for them to know they have a half brother / sister that they don't see.

If the visit goes well you could see about arranging visits between the kids?

banoffe2

its a hard call to make OP, there is no wrong or right here, only what is best for you and the emotional challenge this meeting could present

How about say nothing to the toddler, and get a family member or a very close friend with whom the child is very comfortable to go along, to the meeting, he wont be prepared for this, its the child he wants to see, you have been hurt badly and have the right to protect yourself. its only an opinion, best of luck and mind yourself X

Ghekko

I wouldn't be facilitating him on Christmas Day. Maybe another day over the holidays but he can sod off if he expects to intrude on your Christmas Day. Make sure you are there for it as he is a stranger to your child and your child needs to feel safe. I don't think another adult facilitating the visit would suffice, but definitely have another person with you if/when he bothers to show up. While access and maintenance are separate issues I'd still make a point of saying it to him that he needs to pay towards the upbringing of his child on a regular basis and that you will look into organising this. He might run for the hills again if he's not all that interested.

Xterminator

I wouldn't be facilitating him on Christmas Day. Maybe another day over the holidays but he can sod off if he expects to intrude on your Christmas Day.

its a hard call to make OP, there is no wrong or right here,

i couldn't disagree more with the sentiment of some messages here.

your relationship with the father of the child is over. fair enough. But you should do everything in your power to facilitate a strong relationship between the child and their father. For the sake of the child.

There is a wrong and a right. Putting obstacles in the way is wrong. linking access to money is wrong. A father seeing his child for a visit at christmas is right. If you agree and he doesnt turn up, you know in your heart its not your fault if the 'father' is flakey.

so OP be the better person. protect the child from disappointment as being suggested by leaving it as a surprise if you deem it wise. But don't be the excuse ythe father has for not seeing his child, or even worse, don't be the reason the relationship doesnt nurture and grow.

Ghekko

Well if I had plans made for Christmas Day I certainly wouldn't be changing them to facilitate him. Also the baby is 15 months - not likely to have any concept of 'daddy' seeing as he hasn't been present in baby's life up to now, so how would you expect to explain it to him or surprise him with the visit?

woodchuck

If you're willing to accommodate a visit, I'd wait until mid-January at least. If he's serious about being in the childs life, then he'll be keen to visit at any time of the year, not just Christmas.

neonsofa

Xterminator wrote: »

i couldn't disagree more with the sentiment of some messages here.

your relationship with the father of the child is over. fair enough. But you should do everything in your power to facilitate a strong relationship between the child and their father. For the sake of the child.

There is a wrong and a right. Putting obstacles in the way is wrong. linking access to money is wrong. A father seeing his child for a visit at christmas is right. If you agree and he doesnt turn up, you know in your heart its not your fault if the 'father' is flakey.

so OP be the better person. protect the child from disappointment as being suggested by leaving it as a surprise if you deem it wise. But don't be the excuse ythe father has for not seeing his child, or even worse, don't be the reason the relationship doesnt nurture and grow.

Usually I'd agree but the father hasn't cared about nurturing or growing the relationship for any other day of the year so OP would be well within their rights to schedule an alternative day for daddy to suddenly try fostering a relationship if she already has her own plans for Christmas day. The child will know no different, and if the dad is solely concerned with fostering a relationship then he'll be delighted to arrange it for any of the other 364 days available. It's not on the op to foster the relationship when the father isnt trying, it cant be forced on a father that isn't interested. And he wasn't up until now so it's a bit rich requesting the one day that most people already have plans made for.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

your relationship with the father of the child is over. fair enough. But you should do everything in your power to facilitate a strong relationship between the child and their father. For the sake of the child.

The key section there is for the sake of the child. Her only concern should be the child not his or her scheduled. A 15 month old doesn't know it's christmas day or not so why should the OPs plans be changed at short notice to suit someone whose not been there for the other non holiday days? Yes the OP should make every effort for their child to have a relationship with their father but they can't make him a good father. The OP has to think of the child. right now the child is too young to notice people who come and go from their lives but as they grow older they can't have a father who shows when he feels like and leaves when he likes. the op needs to set ground rules down now. Start with small visits and work up from there. If he shows a real interest in being part of their childs life that's great and they can expand into longer visits - overnights, holidays etc etc but the OP must put the child first and protect them from possible future upset so they need to know the father will stick around long term and this isn't just fad visit for xmas or because other people are pushing him.

wiggle16

Xterminator wrote: »

your relationship with the father of the child is over. fair enough. But you should do everything in your power to facilitate a strong relationship between the child and their father. For the sake of the child.

To be fair, there's no onus on the OP to do "everything in her power" to facilitiate a relationship between the child and their father if the father isn't arsed even seeing the child more than once a year. It's not up to the OP to ensure the child has a relationship with their father, and she should not drop everything to accomodate him.

She absolutely should make an arrangement for xmas day but it should absolutely be on her terms. She's the one who's been rearing this child alone, she shouldn't drop everything just because he wants to breeze in and play daddy for a day.

joeguevara

Do what’s best for your child now and for the future. If he has made mistakes in the past (and I use that term loosely as I cannot understand how any person could hurt their child) then obviously it will colour your decision. If you feel he really wants to be part of your child’s life then that is what you should focus on.

I think it’s good advice not to tell your kid of any arranged visits so not to hurt them if they fall through. Also, from experience whatever troubles you are having with him, don’t let the child see that.

Don’t mess up your plans just to suit him. If it is a baby, then a visit on Christmas Day is not necessary as they are oblivious. Also, most dads who aren’t with the kids mums don’t get Christmas Day and it’s usually Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

If he isn’t serious your child will see that as they grow up. It’s heartbreaking but as long as you are there for them that’s important. One thing to be conscious of is in a lot of times the Dad is seen as the hero as they get to come in and I’ve presents, go on trips and make memories while mum (or indeed dad if they are full time career) have to do discipline, make do homework and all the normal boring parenting. But that’s the things kids remember not a fancy pair of runners or a trip to the Zoo.

I hope all goes well and he stands up and does right. But take care of yourself too.

professore

neonsofa wrote: »

Usually I'd agree but the father hasn't cared about nurturing or growing the relationship for any other day of the year so OP would be well within their rights to schedule an alternative day for daddy to suddenly try fostering a relationship if she already has her own plans for Christmas day. The child will know no different, and if the dad is solely concerned with fostering a relationship then he'll be delighted to arrange it for any of the other 364 days available. It's not on the op to foster the relationship when the father isnt trying, it cant be forced on a father that isn't interested. And he wasn't up until now so it's a bit rich requesting the one day that most people already have plans made for.

I agree. If he was any use as a father he would bend over backwards to see his kid. This loser doesn't deserve to be in his kids life. A bad example.

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

I agree. If he was any use as a father he would bend over backwards to see his kid. This loser doesn't deserve to be in his kids life. A bad example.

Most of the advise is for the OP to encourage the father to spend time with his child, but not on Christmas day if it doesn't suit her,the child is too young to remember anyway and he has 364 other days to visit his child in the year.

Xterminator

just to rebutt - the christmas visit may be the one that makes the father step up and take his responsibility more seriously.

we all know it probably wont - but there is a chance. like i said OP cannot be responsible for fathers attitude, simply has to be able to look at her own child in the eyes when they ask why daddy doesn't see them, or ignores their birthdays etc and have a clear conscience.

neonsofa

Xterminator wrote: »

just to rebutt - the christmas visit may be the one that makes the father step up and take his responsibility more seriously.

we all know it probably wont - but there is a chance. like i said OP cannot be responsible for fathers attitude, simply has to be able to look at her own child in the eyes when they ask why daddy doesn't see them, or ignores their birthdays etc and have a clear conscience.

If the fathers relationship with the child now hinges on this one Christmas visit then it's not the op that needs to worry about a clear conscience, it's the grown man who hasn't bothered with his child on any of the 364 other days of the year.

LegacyUser

Im in a similar situation. Lone parent to my daughter who is 10.5 years old

Have not seen the mother in over 18 months and have seen her maybe 4x in those 10 years to a combined time of 40 mins

I have full custody since the child was a baby

she text out the blue looking to see her over the xmas day. I will refuse this but will lead to extra stress and hassle.

Why are some parents so selfish and believe everything centres around themselves?

spaceHopper

797978997 wrote: »

I will refuse this but will lead to extra stress and hassle.

Text her saying not on christmas day, sorry but you haven't been around and it would upset her / put her on edge on christmas day. Tell her you'll talk to your daughter and see if she will meetup on a different day. But it will be up to your daughter.

Or just block her number

ladygirl

Do not agree to Xmas day - if you do agree pick one of the days in between 28th, 29th, 30th..

I can only assume you have plans with your family Xmas day as most people do - Do not under any circumstances allow him to interrupt these for a minute.

All it could take is one stupid comment to upset you and ruin your xmas.


Xmas is a family time - he certainly hasn't been anything of the sort in the last 15 months, If he wants to see the baby, he wont care what day it is - he will be grateful to be given the opportunity.

Seth Brundle

I would also suggest a location of your choosing where you can walk away if needs be.
Don't let him into your home only to find he is reluctant to leave when you want him to

Dravokivich

professore wrote: »

Tell him once his child maintenance payments are up to date he's welcome to visit. I assume he isn't currently paying you anything?

That isn't a requirement for any visitation. OP I would strongly suggest against following any comments like these.

Telly

Dravokivich wrote: »

That isn't a requirement for any visitation. OP I would strongly suggest against following any comments like these.

Well it should. Either pay for your child’s upbringing or fúck off.

LegacyUser

I think for unreliable dads Christmas or birthday visits can be quite risky. I know a couple of people who grew up with the annual visit and were left with some memories on the years they expected their dads to show and they didn't bother at all.

Would you like to encourage or accommodate a relationship with his 2 older half-siblings?

Dravokivich

Telly wrote: »

Well it should. Either pay for your child’s upbringing or fúck off.

1) That's extortion.

2) I'm advising from experience. I'm a single parent who doesn't receive Maintenance. I've never used it against the other parent. As far as I'm concerned our child needs to have the opportunity for a relationship with their parents without prejudice.

paw patrol

professore wrote: »

I agree. If he was any use as a father he would bend over backwards to see his kid. This loser doesn't deserve to be in his kids life. A bad example.

neonsofa wrote: »

If the fathers relationship with the child now hinges on this one Christmas visit then it's not the op that needs to worry about a clear conscience, it's the grown man who hasn't bothered with his child on any of the 364 other days of the year.

I don't think either comment is fair.
I can accept that the father should have behaved better , that's clear as day. But this is a shot at a better future.

But neither of yours post seem willing to offer redemption to him, he could have matured or maybe feels guilty at his past behaviour and wants to kickstart a relationship but is unsure how to.

This should be encouraged for everybody's sake..

He gets to see his child , the child bonds with the father and hopefully the OP gets some support

The idea that all this comes easy and is text book perfect is plain nonsense.
Some people do need to be helped do the right thing esp if coming from a position where they failed in the past.

neonsofa

paw patrol wrote: »

I don't think either comment is fair.
I can accept that the father should have behaved better , that's clear as day. But this is a shot at a better future.

But neither of yours post seem willing to offer redemption to him, he could have matured or maybe feels guilty at his past behaviour and wants to kickstart a relationship but is unsure how to.
.

Again, redemption can be offered on any other day. If he genuinely feels guilty and has matured then he'll be just as happy to see the child on any other day. Saying no to Christmas day is not saying no to a relationship. Anyway the day has been and gone so kind of redundant now.

Lackey

paw patrol wrote: »

I don't think either comment is fair.

Some people do need to be helped do the right thing esp if coming from a position where they failed in the past.

It’s not the OPs job to help this man child
She has more than enough on her plate.
If my post seems unfair well so be it.
He needs to put his money and time where his mouth is, not just at Christmas or
It’ll be the OP alone left picking up the pieces, again.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:
I don't think the OP ever mentioned Christmas day. She said a "Christmas Visit". A Christmas visit can happen at any time in the months of December and January, longer if you're very disorganised!

Now that Christmas Day has passed, can posters please offer advice to the OP on how best to proceed. Christmas Day or not is a moot point at this stage.