Is my friend stalking me?

LegacyUser

Before I begin my rant and ask for advice, I need to explain that my friend has mental health issues and is on medication and this is why I'm reluctant to act. A mutual friend complained to them about similar behaviour and they took it very badly. We're both the same gender and we're both straight and in relationships but family have joked that this person is in love with me. Please read and let me know what you think, and offer advice if you can. I apologise - this will be long!

I met this person through work and we've been friends for about four years. I moved to a different job and area but we kept in touch. We wouldn't be extremely close, they are the kind of person who wants to know everything about you but reveals very little about themselves. I have still gotten to know them well and I do care about them, though.

In the early days of our friendship I would notice I had missed calls from this person here and there and would text to apologise. They'd reply and say "oh it's grand, I just text you there". So, basically, they had called me to get me to reply to a text that they had sent minutes before. This behaviour increased over time, the calls in between texts became more excessive.

A loved one was very sick at the time so when I saw 15 missed calls on my phone one day I panicked and instantly thought something terrible had happened. This actually happened in work, I had forgotten to turn off my phone and my phone had been ringing constantly in the staff room and a colleague had come to tell me. When I unlocked my phone screen, I saw that every single call was from this friend. I need to add that when they called, they never actually put the phone to their ear. They just let it ring for a few seconds, hung up and rang again and again. I didn't realise this until they did it to a mutual friend while I was there (the friend who ended up complaining). In extreme frustration, I contacted my network provider and asked them to block this person's number from calling me. That was over a year ago and they are still unable to call me. But they still try. I fobbed my friend off by saying there was a technical problem with my phone and I couldn't afford a new one so I could only text. I feel bad about this but I see no alternative.

Unfortunately, that has backfired as the text messages have now increased. A typical day goes like this - the first text comes in (generally a hi, how are you message), then there will be a text with either an emoji or a couple of Xs, then there'll be a text saying that they miss me and would love to see me soon. They might send a few more repeating what they have said already. If I don't reply they might send a text saying "hope you're ok" or "are you there?" I usually reply at this point because if I don't, the whole thing starts again on an online messaging service.

I'm not actively ignoring this person. If I'm working or just going about my day I'm not always able to text. I don't particularly like texting as it is basically repetitive small talk. I have confided in friends and they have said this is very odd behaviour, that it is borderline stalking.

I don't want to block this person as I just think it's not a nice thing to do to someone with severe self esteem issues among other problems. I don't think ghosting them would work. I recently went through a terrible ordeal and went off the grid for over a month, I wasn't in contact with. anybody. This person still sent me texts almost every day.

I tried talking to them in a nice way about it, I asked them to just send one text and I would get back to them when I was free. Unfortunately I've had to do this several times as they seem to forget what I asked! The thing is, I genuinely think this behaviour comes from a good place. I think that when I don't reply, they become concerned.

I just can't text as much as they seem to want me to. They basically want to text from morning to night. I just want to know how to handle this in a sensitive and considerate manner. I don't think my friend is aware that this behaviour is odd as their family members do the same thing so it's a learned behaviour.

I have thought about maybe taking screenshots of the strings of texts and showing them to my friend and asking if they see a problem with this at all. Would that be a good idea or would it be quite mean? I don't want this person out of my life but the straw is about to break the camel's back at this stage. Help!

Unanimous

I would advise you to say something.
First of all tell her that you have been given more responsibility at work and are very busy.
Follow up with ignoring their texts when they come in and don't apologise for it.
Just avoid them physically and on the phone.
If you block them, they could get a new number and find out that you did. So I would say just ignore them till they stop. If you get the texts on WhatsApp, get a new sim and make that your WhatsApp number so you can have control of who now has your WhatsApp number.

zapper55

I wouldn't make excuses about work. I doubt she'll take the hint.

If it was me I'd say -

X I got a lot of text and phone calls from you, far more than other people. I'm sorry but I can't give you the amount of time you need in this friendship, its putting too much pressure on me. We need to stop texting.

It gives you a direct out without directly blaming her behaviour.

LegacyUser

You have to nip this in the bud now. I was in a similar situation a while back. I allowed it to escalate because I liked the person and I found myself constantly making excuses for their behavior.

I discovered (completely by accident) when a problem developed with my PC they had been to accessing my PC so they could monitor my online movements. I am no longer in contact with them but the experience caused a huge amount of worry and distress. I hope you get to resolve your situation soon.

Fakediamond

This person is feeding off you like an energy vampire, using you to make themselves feel better. I can guarantee you now that they would not be there for you if you had a genuine crisis. For me the test of friendship is to be there for each other through thick and thin, anything else is a co-dependency and you’re the loser in this scenario. You are not responsible for another person’s mental health or self-esteem, there are other ways to deal with such issues.

As to how to distance yourself, you can go brutally no contact, or just gradually fade out, which it seems you’re trying to do. I used the gradual approach with a “friend” who was feeding off me for years. I would be exhausted after visits/phone calls and had to make the break. She’s probably still anxious and fragile but someone else has taken my place as her listening ear, just like I took someone else’s place when she targeted me.

SusieBlue

What exactly are you getting from this friendship?
What does this person offer, apart from constant pressure to stay in touch and make small talk?
She wasn't very supportive or considerate to you when your loved one was sick, and she continues to borderline harass you for attention even when she knows you are busy and working.
She has no respect for your schedule or other commitments, she is pretty much demanding you prioritise her above all else.

She sounds like a leech.

If you don't want to fall out with her, I suggest ye need to have a frank conversation about boundaries and respect, because right now there is none. While you continue to pander to her, she will continue to behave like this.
Honestly, I don't know how you haven't snapped yet and told her to F off.

You need to set clear boundaries of how and when she can contact you, and if she is unable to stick to it, you can no longer continue the friendship.
It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to cut her out, so if it comes to that, please don't feel bad for doing so.
You must put yourself first.
She is not your responsibility.

SirChenjin

+1 to SusieBlue's post.

That's not a friendship. You need to step back, big giant steps.
You cannot be responsible for someone else's mental health. It sound like you have a lot going on, and that is more than enough to handle.

Look after yourself, and look after your health.

LegacyUser

I noticed in your post, OP, that you said you know she is coming from a good place in wanting to make sure you're okay if you don't respond. I'm not getting that from her behaviour. Most people understand that we are all busy and all have stuff going on. You fire off a text and people will respond when they can. If it's really urgent then you phone. But you don't bombard people with texts and calls if they aren't coming back to you.

Aside from the above, you've said it to her a few times now that her behaviour is too much. Another friend has said it to her. Yet she persists. I don't see that as coming from a good place, more so a selfish place. I'd have a brutually honest conversation with her (not softly softly) and if she still continues then you have to decide whether you're going to cut contact. Personally I wouldn't continue to give someone like that the time of day - sounds like an absolute drain!

Xterminator

Hi Op

softly softly approach hasn't worked. saying its a phone issue hasn't worked.

you know what might work? Actually taking the direct approach and being assertive. You will fill uncomfortable for a few minutes as opposed to feeling uncomfortable for years.

what do you want? do you want to allow limited contact? Decide then be blunt and firm and communicate with the person, then stick to your decision. It may be a good idea to have a chat with a responsible person in your unstable friends life before approaching them so that if there is a reaction, the family are prepared.

The_Conductor

OP- if this is a guy- report him for stalking- at very least the Gardaí will interview him under the Mental Health Act and it will be followed up with a compulsary psychiatric assessment. Behaviour like this is totally unacceptable- on so many different levels. It is not up to you to decide whether or not he is going to take it badly- he needs help, he is using you as far more than an emotional support- he is using you in a therapeutic manner for him- you are his therapy- full stop- however, you're not a therapist- and by allowing this to continue you are simply feeding his need.

In the current context- it is not possible for you to request help for him- you can only request help for yourself- and in this context- reporting the stalking and getting the support *you* need- is paramount.

You are only enabling this person- by allowing it to continue- you need to put a stop to it.

sozbox

The_Conductor wrote: »

OP- if this is a guy- report him for stalking- at very least the Gardaí will interview him under the Mental Health Act and it will be followed up with a compulsary psychiatric assessment. Behaviour like this is totally unacceptable- on so many different levels. It is not up to you to decide whether or not he is going to take it badly- he needs help, he is using you as far more than an emotional support- he is using you in a therapeutic manner for him- you are his therapy- full stop- however, you're not a therapist- and by allowing this to continue you are simply feeding his need.

In the current context- it is not possible for you to request help for him- you can only request help for yourself- and in this context- reporting the stalking and getting the support *you* need- is paramount.

You are only enabling this person- by allowing it to continue- you need to put a stop to it.

how is the gender relevant?

The_Conductor

sozbox wrote: »

how is the gender relevant?

The Gardaí have different policies for different genders. I'm not sure whether its a formal policy or not. Its a hell of a lot easier to have the Gardaí deal with a male stalker than it is a female stalker. I've had the misfortune at different points in time to have had the need to request their assistance with a colleague (female) and a member of the public (male)- who I was unable to persuade to keep their distance. It was significantly easier to have the Gardaí take me seriously about the guy- than my coworker- my coworker flipped the whole thing on me- and I ended up leaving my job as HR sided with her because I hadn't made a formal approach to my manager about her (I did make an informal approach but was laughed at).

Personally I have found it far easier to have unwanted attention from a guy dealt with- than unwanted attention from a coworker (I actually ended up leaving my job to avoid meeting her).

JupiterKid

OP I am sorry to hear of your difficulties. This person needs to be told directly and bluntly that their behavior is simply not acceptable. Don’t allow their mental health issues to make you feel guilty for how they may react. They are not your responsibility.

Actually I think I might have a touch of a stalking issue too. I work part-time in a voluntary capacity in a mental health drop-in Centre and another group facilitator there (I have anxiety issues and am a recovering alcoholic) who I have befriended and has disclosed that he has Aspergers has sent me up to four or five WhatsApp messages a day. Usually along the lines of “Hi, how are you today?”

Usually I respond by texting that I am fine and ask how they are - this can then lead to a lot of texts that I frankly find very draining (I prefer to talk via a proper phone call than doing “text tennis”) and I find myself replying to this guy less and less.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I think I’m going to have to have a word with the director of the Centre we work in. Like the OP I don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings but I have my own life and things to do - and texting all day long is not one of them.

Sardonicat

^^^^^
Agree with your advice regarding direct approach being best.

In relation to your own issue with your colleague who has Aspergers, I think given his diagnosis he might find the direct approach less hurtful then you going to a manager. He might actually appreciate you explaining that he texts too much ( I'm neuro-diverse myself, though not Aspies but similar traits re understanding social relationships sometimes. ) The guy just might not know he's bugging you and be more than happy to stop if you ask him to. Sometimes we just need things spelling out for us and thats fine and its good advice for future social encounters too.Of course if the direct approach doesn't work you'll need to take it to management.

Good luck to both you and the OP. It's a tricky one.