Ex still in life

LegacyUser

Is it possible to find love with ex still a major part of life? I’m finding that women freak out if ex is in the picture. We are good friends, she oversteps the mark with drinks on board but I’ve made it clear not interested in that way. She’s also in a serious relationship herself if that makes any difference. Is it just insecurity on my dates part?

BBFAN

No it's not insecurity on dates part. An ex is an ex. No need for contact. And even if there is contact why would you be telling your current dates?

MiliMe

I'm sure it's possible but it will more than likely put unnecessary strain on any new relationship, Especially if your ex wants more from you which very well might be the case if she is crossing the line when she's drunk.
Who dumped who?

LegacyUser

Infidelity ended it, on her part not mine. Water under bridge now. I don’t bring it up and dates but if I’m seeing someone I don’t pretend that she wasn’t once more than a friend. We hang out and move in same social circles. It seems it’s become a dealbreaker on more than one occasion but I don’t feel friendships being controlled by anyone let alone someone new is great sign either

Jessie Belle

Neewnoow wrote: »

Is it possible to find love with ex still a major part of life? I’m finding that women freak out if ex is in the picture. We are good friends, she oversteps the mark with drinks on board but I’ve made it clear not interested in that way. She’s also in a serious relationship herself if that makes any difference. Is it just insecurity on my dates part?

I think it is insecurity but also for a new relationship I understand it might be hard. Once a relationship is established and on a firmer footing it might become easier. I would much prefer to see an ex on amicable terms and I would expect partners to be of the same mindset. I am with you and they are an ex partner for a reason.

Ursus Horribilis

There's too little detail here to answer this definitively. On the one hand, maybe it is insecurity. On the other, we know so little from what you've told us, there could be more to it. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your ex and suggest everything's grand because she's in a serious relationship now. She's still overstepping the mark when she has drink in her, which implies that she's not as "over" you as you'd like to think. Let me guess - it's you who dumped her?

Have your girlfriends met her? Has she said or done anything that has caused problems in your relationships with them? Is there anything that you're doing when you're with your girlfriends that make them think you're too close to your ex?

leggo

OP I'm not particularly expecting an answer, and there's your answer if you're wondering, but why do you feel the need to have your ex be a major part of your life?

LegacyUser

If I was dating a guy who was friends with an ex, I'd really only be okay with the following:

1. They were really good friends before, tried dating, didn't work and went back to being friends.

2. They dated, it didn't work, but they realised they had a great friendship.

Your situation, however, is different. She is overstepping the friendship mark when she's drunk, and if I've read it right, while she's in a relationship! That I would absolutely not be okay with and would stay well clear of a guy with an ex like that as she clearly still has feelings for you and it sounds like trouble waiting to happen.

Cut her loose or be very firm with her that her behaviour when drunk has to stop. It's unacceptable behaviour.

Caranica

I'm good friends with almost all my exes. Doesn't stop me moving on. Wouldn't be in regular contact with many of them and there's certainly no over stepping lines. Sounds like it wasn't a clean break in your case op and you may need to step back from the friendship for a while. Unless of course there are kids involved

leggo

I can only speak from what I've seen but I've just never seen one healthy ex friendship when it's an active friendship. I'd be on 'friendly terms' with most exes (except the ones that got bitter) in that if I saw them we'd wave, maybe stop and have a quick chat, and if they needed something that only I could help with they'd text me and I'd at least try if I could (but you're talking either life or death, or minimum effort required).

But keeping up friendships with regular texting/calls/meetups, it's just too difficult for both parties to let go sufficiently and there's always an element of possessiveness that kicks in from what I've seen. A relationship is intimate and you share a bond with the person that only the two of you fully understand. To try continue to keep that bond while in a relationship with someone else by default verges on emotional cheating from the get-go. How can you give yourself fully to someone else while refusing to relinquish the past similar bonds you had with others? I'm sure it's technically possible with an almost surgical extraction process required, again I've just never seen it done well myself and it immediately sets off red flags for me when someone says it for emotional unavailability.

SusieBlue

Is it worth sacrificing meeting someone and falling in love again, just to maintain a relationship with a woman who cheated on you, betrayed your trust, and still oversteps the mark despite being in a long term relationship?

It isn't insecurity and it isn't unreasonable for a new partner to have issues with this.

It sounds like you are still emotionally invested in this ex.
Of course its possible to be friendly with ex's, but that isn't what your issue is. Your issue is that your situation with your ex is overstepping boundaries and inhibiting your ability to move on with someone else.

Picture yourself in 10 years time, still single because you are unable to find a partner who will tolerate your close relationship with her.
Would you be happy?
Would it be worth it, to miss out on having a new relationship, just to sustain a friendship with an ex who has disrespected you so appallingly?

witchgirl26

I don't think it's just insecurities on the part of your dates. I have no problem if my OH is friends with an ex as long as that is solely what it is on both sides. The fact that your ex still makes passes at you when drunk despite being in a long term relationship indicates that it's not completely in the past at least on her side. That's a bit of a red flag.

If the roles were reversed, would you be happy with a potential partner having someone in their life who oversteps the mark with a few drinks in them? Ex or not, that's not a comfortable situation to be in.

Jurgen Klopp

You move in the same circles and she oversteps with drink on board and you have to make it clear nothing will happen.

You do realize probably everyone is talking about how she's still all over you and all these new women can see it and hear it on the grape vine?

With respect bud, what man or woman wants that drama especially when you seem to still be hanging around with it making it look like you must still have feelings for her?

Big Bag of Chips

You say she oversteps the mark but you have made it clear that you are not interested... If she still oversteps the mark, then you haven't made it clear enough. If you made it clear, then she wouldn't chance it. Is she doing this in front of new girlfriends/dates? If so, and if it's a regular thing then I'd also be moving on fairly quick. Plenty of other fellas out there without exes hanging off them.

Ursus Horribilis

Neewnoow wrote: »

...We hang out and move in same social circles. It seems it’s become a dealbreaker on more than one occasion but I don’t feel friendships being controlled by anyone let alone someone new is great sign either

While I get your point about you not wanting your friendships being controlled by someone else, there seems to be something problematic about your ex. You described her in your original post as having a "Major part in (your) life". Unless you've got a tendency to date needy women, perhaps you need to re-evaluate what is going on here. Is she a third wheel in your relationships? Are the pair of you too close?

dense

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

You move in the same circles and she oversteps with drink on board and you have to make it clear nothing will happen.

You do realize probably everyone is talking about how she's still all over you and all these new women can see it and hear it on the grape vine?

With respect bud, what man or woman wants that drama especially when you seem to still be hanging around with it making it look like you must still have feelings for her?

Sounds like the op likes the attention and the ego boost.

LegacyUser

I think that subconsciously you know exactly what you're doing by keeping your flirty ex close at hand. Keeps the new girl on her toes& also gives you plenty of ego boosts along the way.
Quit playing games& messing with people's heads& hearts. Stay single or else get back with your ex.

LegacyUser

I’ve made it clear I’m not interested romantically to both her and to women I’ve dated. She hadn’t overstepped mark in front of dates or while I was dating but word filtered back and it has been a dealbreaker for more than one woman. We have a good friendship and I would consider us close. Both have been through a lot in recent years.

Neyite

Nope sorry. If I was dating someone and his ex who cheated on him was getting pissed and draping herself all over him every chance she gets I'd be wondering why he lets her. If he waffled on about her being such a good friend and that's why he (we) both have to endure her pawing then I'd leave them both to it.

Think about it. A friend is excited for you when you think you've met someone who could be special in your life. They want to facilitate your happiness, not torpedo it. Friends don't make unwanted advances on their friend. A friend will strongly tell a friend that their friendship is at risk if they keep buggering up their chance at being happy.

She doesn't want you to find happiness with another woman. She wants you back. And you have unresolved feelings for her too. So maybe sort that out first before bringing that kind of baggage into a budding relationship .

Ursus Horribilis

Neewnoow wrote: »

I’ve made it clear I’m not interested romantically to both her and to women I’ve dated. She hadn’t overstepped mark in front of dates or while I was dating but word filtered back and it has been a dealbreaker for more than one woman. We have a good friendship and I would consider us close. Both have been through a lot in recent years.

Who is it you're trying to fool here? I'd run a mile too having read your responses. It doesn't matter if she's supposedly in a serious relationship or if she's behaving herself in the presence of your girlfriends. Things don't just "filter back" to them without good reason. Even though you say it's over and you've made it clear that you're not interested, that message has not sunk in with her. If things were truly over between ye, she'd not be crossing any lines at any stage. It's disrespectful to her current boyfriend and it's hampering your efforts to find someone else.

There's a real bang of unresolved business between the pair of you. It's coming across here on boards and none of us knows you in real life. There is clearly something "off" about your relationship with your ex and it's scuppering your burgeoning relationships with new girlfriends. Dismissing it as your girlfriends being controlling is too easy an out. If it's repeatedly turning out to be a problem (which seems to be the case) then it's time to have a very long hard think about what's going on here. What exactly is your ex in your life? She seems to still be more than just a friend and that's your fundamental problem here. If she was "just a friend" would your relationships be ending?

LegacyUser

Neewnoow wrote: »

Is it possible to find love with ex still a major part of life? I’m finding that women freak out if ex is in the picture. We are good friends, she oversteps the mark with drinks on board but I’ve made it clear not interested in that way. She’s also in a serious relationship herself if that makes any difference. Is it just insecurity on my dates part?

'women' freak out so it has freaked out more than one woman. I'm guessing no it's not insecurity on their part. Would you like to be brought out with a girl and her ex fella is there overstepping the mark? I'd imagine that would be awkward, wouldn't it?

She cheated on you. You both split up. You hang around each other and you date girls and bring them out to places where you know she'll be and has a history of overstepping the mark?

I'm sure those girls whose time you're wasting have a mark too and you and your ex are overstepping it. Cop onto yourself. It's just an ego stroke.

If you were serious about dating new women, then you'd be more concerned about them and them enjoying their time with you and having fun rather than putting them in positions that clearly are making them uncomfortable.

I'd say your ego was bruised after the ex cheated on you. So when she kicks up a fuss, you like to think that she still has feelings for you. She has a newer relationship and you bring new girls along. You both know it wasn't working when you were straight out and going out together. It probably got a little boring as relationships do after a while but usually all the new excitement is traded off for something deeper. Anyway now you've got these 'obstacles' in the form of other people so you both can fantasize and make up some bull**** romance story in your heads and stroke your egos without actually getting back together and working on a real relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

If I was in a relationship with someone, which ended because of their cheating, I certainly wouldn't be keeping touch to the extent that I'd consider them "a major part of my life". She cheated on you. Lied to you. Disrespected you, your trust and your relationship. Yet you are happy to have her sniffing round and interfering with your chances of being happy with someone else. If she is such a major part of your life, why don't you get back together? If you think she is unreliable and untrustworthy why is she a major part of your life?

I find it hard to believe that multiple times, with multiple different women, who have never actually seen your ex behaving inappropriately with you word has filtered back, and it has been enough to make them walk away. How is word filtering back? From your friends? Surely your friends know whether or not your ex is trying it on, and whether or not you are encouraging or discouraging her. Neyite mentioned that a friend wouldn't want to ruin your chance of happiness in a budding relationship. She was referring to your friend ex. I would extend that to friends who seem to be scaring off new women. Why would this be happening, over and over again?

We're strangers on the Internet with no vested interest in this. We don't really care what's actually going on. But if this is a repeated problem you're having, well then it might be time to look at what you're doing, or not doing to contribute to this.

If you are having a problem with everyone else, maybe everyone else isn't the problem.

LegacyUser

Neewnoow wrote: »

I’ve made it clear I’m not interested romantically to both her and to women I’ve dated. She hadn’t overstepped mark in front of dates or while I was dating but word filtered back and it has been a dealbreaker for more than one woman. We have a good friendship and I would consider us close. Both have been through a lot in recent years.

How does one have a good friendship with someone who cheated on them? She betrayed you on the deepest most fundamental level.
And yet here you are trying to justify why maintaining contact with her should take priority over building a relationship with someone new (ideally someone who will Iove you enough *not* to cheat on you)
Repeated women have told you that having this ex in your life is a deal breaker for them. Are you honestly trying to claim that they're *all* insecure/needy/controlling? Or would you consider the possibility that they're actually honest genuine people looking for an honest genuine relationship?
You can't have your ex because she's seeing someone new. So instead you dangle a trail of new girls in front of her to show her how popular you are& what she's missing. It's clearly working. But my God it's a toxic dynamic& ye're leaving a trail of destruction in your wake.

wiggle16

She cheated on you when yous were together.
She is now with someone else, but doesn't care enough about him to leave you alone and paws at you when she gets a drink into her.
She does it to the point where it was overt enough for someone to tell a girl you were seeing.

She has no respect for you, for her own boyfriend or for your love life. Absolutely none. She's no friend of yours.

It is possible to be happy and secure in a relationship with an ex still in your life and still a close friend, loads of people do it. It's not possible when your ex is pawing at you all the time and making a nuisance of herself.