Cheated on at christmas party

LegacyUser

Sorry for long post head is wrecked. A week ago I thought I was in the perfect relationship. Girlfriend and I went out for seven months and shed just met my parents, we had our 1st weekend away just a couple weeks before for a mates wedding and went amazing and we loved being around each other, always had a laugh. If either of us were worried about anything at all we could talk really easily and openly and all fine. 1st girl I've ever thought was the one and would marry without changing a thing. Dont get me wrong it wasnt all perfect, she suffers from depression and is in denial about it so every couple of months shed get down but instead of saying she was depressed shed say shes not herself. She once took this out on the relationship saying she wasnt ready and breaking up for a day or two but quickly copped on and ran back then we were stronger than ever. Still Id deal with this for life if asked as long as we figured out a way for the two of us to deal with it. Ive got bad anxiety sometimes and Id talk to her about this so we just got used to the things we went through and would talk it through always fine. She put up with me and got good at dealing when I got bad and my anxiety got a lot better as a result, Id support her when shed get down and be her rock.

She started a new job around the time we started dating. I loved watching her do well with work and supported her every step of the way pushing her to go to nights out and join the social committee. I never worried when shed go out cus even tho Id have had issues with trusting people in the past I just knew this one was a good egg and she did well keeping me in the loop and would do sweet stuff like pop over to mine after or text pics when she was out and all that. The only thing I ever worried about was that shed get drunk, sometimes too drunk, and would start walking around the city on her own looking for a taxi so Id ask her to text me when she got a taxi and go back home. Just worried for her safety like. I wasnt able to sleep a lot of the time shed be out cus of it and shed often call and fill me in on the night and so on then she met someone in work who lived close by and would get a taxi with her so Id be able to chill and sleep knowing that. I never didnt trust her tho.

She was going for a promotion in work last week and Id been giving her the little push she needed and support and doing interview prep and so on cus I dont think she realises all the time how good at her job she is and how she deserves this stuff so she needs that push. At the start of the week she started with the 'Im not feeling myself' talk and in the back of my mind I did worry that shed blame the relationship like she usually does. When she gets down cus she doesnt realise shes just depressed she cycles through everything in her life as a reason for it even tho I try explain to her that you can just be depressed and everything can be fine. So the relationship usually gets pulled up for review at some stage even if everything is perfect and it was, the problem is that sets off my anxiety then too. But I kept it cool and just kept focused on her interview and supporting her. Wed been thru so much I thought we were secure now.

Thursday is my busiest day with work I work from home on my business and its my only full day to do so so I'm generally up to my eyes 7am-5pm and if stuff doesnt get done it puts stress on the rest of the week cus Im playing catchup. But she had her interview and asked me to meet her for lunch so I said nothing cus it was a big day and tried to move everything around starting work earlier and so on. Then she asked me for a phone call before work and pep talk and I was already behind cus of lunch but I did it anyway and said nothing. Met for lunch and was grand. Was wrecked in the afternoon from the early start so less got done after and am still on a backlog from it. She text me at around 6 to say she got offered the job but she was also just out to her christmas party so we couldnt really chat so I went out and got her a nice card to say congrats. That night we were texting some more while we were drunk and then I went asleep and just asked as usual if shed text me when she got in to know she was safe.

Woke at 6 next morning to go the bathroom and coming back realised Id prob have a nice sweet drunk message off her. Nothing. She never ever forgets to text she always thinks of me coming home. So I text asking if shes ok and cant get back asleep and anxiety kicks in for her safety and Im crawling the walls by 8. She texts at 8.30 to say shes fine and slept it out and on the bus and Im checking the bus app as she text so I call her to chat and see how it went. She doesnt pick up and its weird cus shed have had her phone in her hand so only now am I worried about what shes done cus was she scared Id hear what or who was in the background or what? Anyway we get over that and its fine, were texting and I ask when she got in and she avoided the question so I ask again and she avoids again and I ask out straight if she went home last night and she laughs and shrugs it off saying shes hungover and yes she did. I trust her so I believe its just the hangover. Ive got that card for her in my bag and work around the corner so asked if she could pop in for 5 mins after work like she normally would but she texts saying she was wrecked and got the bus. I was a little salty for the rest of the night and Saturday text her saying she let me down a bit. She apologised and we were fine. Then Sunday morning she calls me saying she lied and didnt want me to worry, nothing happened but she stayed with one of the girls cus they lived close to town and she didnt know why she lied cus she was still drunk but shed felt guilty all weekend and didnt know how to get out of it then. Her lie was so convincing and so specific saying stuff like 4 girls stayed over but only 3 went in cus one booked it off. We were fine and she came over that evening and chilled as we normally would. Only weird thing was we didnt have sex but put that down to her being down and didnt think twice. Met for lunch Monday like we normally would and again fine and normal.

Then as she was coming home Monday she texts asking can she come over after work which is weird. I say of course is everything ok and she says no not really. I freak out and it comes out over text saying she cheated. She came over and we talked and she said she got so drunk its like she just forgot she was in a relationship. She kissed a guy from work who works in a different section so shell never see him then went back to his and they tried to have sex but she went down then she woke up the next morning and realised what shed done. Shes never done anything like this before and I believe her there and shes raging cus shes had **** exes before but not cheated but then she does this on me. I was so shocked I didnt know how to take it but I can relate to getting so drunk at a christmas party you barely remember your name and talked to her about drinking cus shes low tolerance but doesnt get sick so she just gets twisted. Shes started fights and got crazy a couple times while drunk as a result but never this. I also talked about her depression and said she ruins the relationship and I was worried soon as she said she was down, Id even said that Sunday before I knew anything happened, and told her Id need her to go counselling now cus shed said she would in the past but fobbed it off. She said she didnt know why she cheated or understood it cus things were great but maybe her heart wasnt in it and she was blunt which I asked her to be cus I needed to understand it all too. But also she thinks her heart isnt in it whenever she has these down periods then is back to normal and mad about me again. We didnt break up cus we just needed to do some thinking so just left it there and she went home.

Yesterday I hadnt got any sleep and was in a dark place with it all and anxiety hitting the roof and I still needed answers so I texted a lot. Like a lot a lot. I broke up with her cus she refused to say if she wanted to work on fixing things and that was like a rejection which hurt more than the cheating and I said if that was her stance we had nothing to discuss so no point saying were still together. And I said some spiteful things too lashing out. I think I pushed her away or at least gave her an easy excuse to deal with the guilt and blame me. Talked to a couple friends and they think shell come crawling back. One said she was sabotaging cus she freaked out meeting the parents and with how serious it was going and cus shes got bad exes and I wasnt one she was waiting for it to go wrong so freaked out on drink. One said I always put her before myself and she takes prob advantage of that. She hasnt written back since yesterday afternoon but then again were broken up now too.

Its coming up to Christmas. We had loads of nice plans in the run up and going by her depression pattern shell prob be back to normal and banging my door down within a day or two. To be honest I still want to do the plans but I also want this to never have happened. If she got counselling to deal with the depression and sabotage I think I could get over this given how good it was beforehand and yesterday she said she went to a clinic on her break and is getting a number for one off her ma. Do I cancel the plans and make the break-up official to other friends? Do I get her the rest of her Christmas gifts which I was planning to buy this week or leave it? Should I even forgive her like loads of people cheat at christmas parties but also I said Id always leave if she did and now shes done it so I feel like Im disrespecting myself in forgiving her? My anxiety means Im not good at space or dealing with things while theyre uncertain hence me needing to breakup and focus towards that if I wasnt getting anything on the other end but I fear the constant texts and breaking up hastily has helped clear her guilt when shes prob looking to dump it on something while depressed anyway. I dont know what to do my world and future has just been thrown up in the air. Anything else I couldve dealt with like if she had doubts again or whatever we could talk but cheating is just so awful and the worst part is its done and she cant take it back. I dont know what to do.

Caranica

You need to walk away. Block her number and her social media. This isn't a healthy relationship for either of you.

It won't be easy but you need to move on.

mojesius

A few things that stand out from reading your post:

-She's all over the place and seems to be a bit of a liability when she's drank too much. Will you be able to fully trust her again when she's out on her own? We can all get messy at Xmas parties but usually this doesn't result in going home with coworkers.

-It's nice that you're concerned about her when she's out without you but you seem a bit intense. Personally, if someone was persistent that I check in with them every time I went out (especially at this early stage in the relationship), it would be a major turn-off - e.g. what time did you get home? Why didn't you text me? She is her own person,an adult, she shouldn't have to check in with you.

-This is meant to be the fun, 'getting to really know each other' stage in the relationship and you're already having your head wrecked, being cheated on by a bad drunk and making excuses for her because of her mental health issues. What about your own mental health?

Dalomanakora

Ah mate.


I really wonder what the hell kind of relationships you've been in in the past. You go on about how you felt she's the one and a "good egg," but she's got untreated mental illness that she refuses help for, breaks up with you semi-regularly, is an aggressive, messy drunk and has cheated on you, all within less than a year.


And you want this back?


Depression isn't an excuse for any of her behaviour. Drink isn't an excuse either.


Your relationship sounds nasty and toxic and I'm genuinely concerned that you think this person could be the one.


Staying with her is already affecting your own anxiety levels massively and if this continues, you'll end up severely anxious and needing medical intervention - if you don't already.


This isn't a good relationship and she's not the one. She's an absolute mess to be frank. Demanding she get counselling is pointless. Unless she WANTS a diagnosis and treatment, any treatment will be ineffective.


I have an awful feeling you're going to ignore the advice on this thread if I'm honest, but you need to end things immediately before she drags you down with her.


I think you could do with some counselling for your self esteem too because no confident, self assured, happy man would allow a woman to treat him so appallingly.

LegacyUser

mojesius wrote: »

-It's nice that you're concerned about her when she's out without you but you seem a bit intense. Personally, if someone was persistent that I check in with them every time I went out (especially at this early stage in the relationship), it would be a major turn-off - e.g. what time did you get home? Why didn't you text me? She is her own person,an adult, she shouldn't have to check in with you.

Op here. Bit harsh on this but maybe I didnt explain well. I dont ever expect her to check in on a night. Shell sometimes text when shes out but if she doesnt I leave her to it if anything she remarked early on that I always say 'ah ill leave you enjoy your night' and shed want to text and shes like 'you dont have to worry I want to text you when Im out sometimes'. If shes out with her friends Im totally grand cus her friends are gonna go home with her or at least theyll all check on each other. She gets worried herself reading about dodgy taxi drivers and so on. It comes from early on when she was out with work and locked and rang me and was walking around the city by herself not able to find a taxi. In work nobody really cares if you get home safe cus your work mates not mates mates. So that was why I stayed up til she got someone shed split fares home with then I was grand again. I ask for the text cus thats a fairly standard thing to do. As far as what time she got home that was making small talk. Then when she didnt answer the worry from when she didnt pick up clicked in. Of course this worry was dead right so I was going with my gut here. But I usually wouldnt care when she got in like you said it's her life I just smelled a rat and was dead right about it in the end.

Some interesting points brought up tho. Not nice to read but thats why I posted for outside perspective. Im going to work now and out for the day but Ill try check in later on.

zapper55

When you said she was the one I was not expecting to then read your description of the relationship. Even without the cheating it's hugely unhealthy. You seem obsessed with making sure she is ok at all times.

She is depressed but in denial so she craps all over the relationship instead. Maybe she does it because her self esteem is in the toilet but you need to look after yourself first. No wonder your anxiety has skyrocketed.

I also think you'll ignore the advice but you need to be single and go for counselling to see why you think this type of dynamic is ok.

Keyzer

First off, that was a struggle to read.


100% agree with Dalomanakora, knock this on the head and have yourself a peaceful Christmas with your family. This girl, as much as you like her, is a disaster waiting to happen.

Calypso Realm

]she suffers from depression and is in denial about it so every couple of months shed get down but instead of saying she was depressed shed say shes not herself. She once took this out on the relationship saying she wasnt ready and breaking up for a day or two but quickly copped on and ran back then we were stronger than ever.

So the relationship usually gets pulled up for review at some stage even if everything is perfect and it was, the problem is that sets off my anxiety then too.

OP You've referred to your relationship as being perfect but reading your post, it certainly sounds as if it's been far from perfect for her, as it's clear she's been having doubts for some time, which you've convinced yourself (and in all probability her!) were due to her 'depression' alone. I've no idea if this girl actually suffers from depression or not but how do you know she does? For all you know it may have been the other way round! These were red-flags which you've essentially ignored along the way and turned a blind-eye to because you strike me as someone who's hell bent on a mission to make this work RL work at all costs, despite some glaring incompatibilities.

Reading through your post, you come across as very intense and pushy and I get the distinct sense I'd have felt very smothered in your relationship, if I were your now ex. You also come across as a bit controlling. I mean who's idea really was it to apply for that promotion?

My feeling it that despite having made a few unsuccessful attempts to end this in the past, at this point she's definitely found an OUT (cheating) and she sticking to it! You said yourself this was a deal-breaker for you and she knew this!This and the fact she's unwilling to take steps to fix things is strongly suggestive of her determination to end things, this time!

I would leave her alone for now. Don't contact her. Give her LOTS of space. You, too need time away to chill and curb your own anxieties. Use the time apart to reflect on things and the relationship and what you want.

Ultimately it's her decision and she may decide to give it another go, but unfortunately I get the sense she gone. Sorry. Or at least, that's the way it appears, for now.

LegacyUser

Calypso Realm wrote: »

OP You've referred to your relationship as being perfect but reading your post, it certainly sounds as if it's been far from perfect for her, as it's clear she's been having doubts for some time, which you've convinced yourself (and in all probability her!) were due to her 'depression' alone. I've no idea if this girl actually suffers from depression or not but how do you know she does? For all you know it may have been the other way round! These were red-flags which you've essentially ignored along the way and turned a blind-eye to because you strike me as someone who's hell bent on a mission to make this work RL work at all costs, despite some glaring incompatibilities.

Reading through your post, you come across as very intense and pushy and I get the distinct sense I'd have felt very smothered in your relationship, if I were your now ex. You also come across as a bit controlling. I mean who's idea really was it to apply for that promotion?

My feeling it that despite having made a few unsuccessful attempts to end this in the past, at this point she's definitely found an OUT (cheating) and she sticking to it! You said yourself this was a deal-breaker for you and she knew this!This and the fact she's unwilling to take steps to fix things is strongly suggestive of her determination to end things, this time!

I would leave her alone for now. Don't contact her. Give her LOTS of space. You, too need time away to chill and curb your own anxieties. Use the time apart to reflect on things and the relationship and what you want.

Ultimately it's her decision and she may decide to give it another go, but unfortunately I get the sense she gone. Sorry. Or at least, that's the way it appears, for now.

Your actually so far off the mark with your guesses its not even funny. I wonder if I was a woman getting cheated on by a man if you’d say it was all my fault. When she got into the relationship she told me she ‘got a bit down’ sometimes and had to leave a long term travelling trip due to it. She doesnt call it depression or say its an illness but every time shes down she questions and doubts everything. Her job her body image her diet her family her relationship. Everything gets evaluated at some stage even when theres zero issue and I try lead her towards accepting there doesnt have to be anything wrong for depression to hit.

The promotion came about because she mentioned it to me. Shed been unhappy in her job feeling it was too easy and everyone always came to her for help and a colleague who was leaving said she should go for his job as she was well able. She asked me if I thought she was able as she has confidence issues sometimes. Was I pushy for saying she was or encouraging her when she had doubts during the process. When she got the job she text me saying she was delighted and needed my support to go for it and thanked me so much.

She wasnt looking for an excuse. When it got more serious it was her doing. Just 4 days before when she met my parents which came about cus she told me she wanted me to meet hers, we decorated my house for christmas. She started joking about how wed go all out on expensive decorations when we moved in together. She also spoke about kids and marriage in the run up to it. It was her idea to go official she pushed to meet friends and get more serious as we went and did this stuff right before she did what she did.

Im not saying it was all good people have made good points here Im thinking over but I also think some people arent reading what I say and just having the rant they want to have. Like with the texts I dont think its strange for couples to text each other when they get home safe that’s fairly normal. I only even mentioned it cus it was the thread I pulled that pulled it all apart here. She never had an issue and she wouldve had no prob saying if she did and she asked me to do same when Id get home from nights too. Think about what your saying lads Im hurting here and have been cheated on by someone I loved even if I was wrong to love her. Read what I say cus Im the only one here who knows her dont just go off on me. Theres no excuse that makes cheating ok when shes perfectly able to say her piece and did so freely when she had any worries.

LegacyUser

Oh and she also said she had depression months ago that came from her not me. She was looking into counselling but felt better and she said herself she didnt follow up cus she didnt wanna deal with it. She had a bad family bereavement and was in an abusive relationship before me which she never dealt with which is why I think sabotage makes sense. Her ma agreed she prob does and said it runs in her family. She went to a clinic to get a counselling session yesterday which again was her idea and she said Monday was overdue. I never ever told her or tried to control what she thinks or did all I did was try give her information she needed and help however I could when she struggled.

LegacyUser

I'd second Caylpso Realm's post. Who says she has depression? It sounds a bit like you've decided it for her. That's the label you've put on her when she might not be depressed at all. She might have other problems but might not be depressed.

Honestly, OP, you come across as suffocating. I couldn't last in a relationship with someone like you. It seems like you're projecting your own issues onto her and the relationship. Even reading your post was exhausting - so much anxiousness and drama.

I think you should draw a line under this relationship and focus on yourself for a while. She's broken your trust by cheating (100% on her and she's so in the wrong for having done it). You don't sound like the type of person who could put that behind you and I would fear that you'd be extra intense when she's gone out for the night.

professore

Depression is often used as an excuse for bad behaviour. I think this is the case here.

Sounds like she wants to see how much she can grind her heel into your face before you say stop. Chances are she didn't even cheat. If she really cheated she wouldn't have told you.

In any event she doesn't care about you.

cd07

Op she cheated on you. In my opinion getting back with her would ruin your anxiety I mean how could u ever trust her again? Every time she'd go out you would be climbing the walls wondering what shes doing or who's she with. For your own sanity get rid for good. Hopefully you'll have a nice Christmas with family and friends.

LegacyUser

Also she didnt day she was unwilling to fix things if you read the post I said she refused to say she was willing. Theres a difference. Reason being and I get it now I’ve calmed down is that she didnt understand why she did what she did and couldnt decide if it was worth fixing til she had. Now it still hurt but she didnt say unwilling more imagination. She doesnt like to make promises she cant keep and its something I respect and makes discussions if something comes up healthier cus then we dont get stuck into situations til were sure we know its the right course. I think cus my grammar isnt great ppl think Im a scumbag or stupid but were not something out of Jeremy Kyle were adults and its not our 1st rodeo. But in this case I said I couldnt sit around and wait for her to figure out why she did it cus that could take months of counselling so wed be better breaking up and going from there if we can. I think thats the right call and now Ive put no contact in place for a while til we clear the head. I did that not her btw. Again more wrong assuming.

jk23

I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be alright

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

Depression is often used as an excuse for bad behaviour. I think this is the case here.

Sounds like she wants to see how much she can grind her heel into your face before you say stop. Chances are she didn't even cheat. If she really cheated she wouldn't have told you.

In any event she doesn't care about you.

Im sorry for whatever happened that made you feel that way about the world. It defo is depression like she describes her attitude towards me and everything as coming in waves. Same with her job some weeks she loves it and goes in early and all then one week shes counting the days til she can quit. I grew up with someone with bad mental health issues so can spot it a mile off when someone is low and am ok at dodging it and supporting unless they do or say something that sets my anxiety off. But its tough for people to spot in themselves. Shes self aware that she sees it now and even if we dont get back together Im glad shes at least gone to a docs now cus I hate seeing her like this. Shes had some awful stuff happen that she hasnt dealt with. Doesnt excuse cheating or mean that I owe her any support after she did that but still.

retro:electro

Loads of people don’t cheat at Christmas parties OP. Cheating at Christmas parties is still cheating. Just because you’re sozzled and wearing a Christmas jumper doesnt invalidate the infidelity. From what I’m reading it sounds like she had total and utter control of the relationship to the point she’d have monthly wobbles about its future and this would all be tolerated by you. It sounds like she walked all over you. Consider it a good thing that it’s over and move on.

LegacyUser

retro:electro wrote: »

Loads of people don’t cheat at Christmas parties OP. Cheating at Christmas parties is still cheating. Just because you’re sozzled and wearing a Christmas jumper doesnt invalidate the infidelity. From what I’m reading it sounds like she had total and utter control of the relationship to the point she’d have monthly wobbles about its future and this would all be tolerated by you. It sounds like she walked all over you. Consider it a good thing that it’s over and move on.

This post hits home the most so far. The way it was was like every 2 months. Wed even joke about it being her freak out cycle were shed be the best girlfriend ever for 7 weeks then 1 week be every crazy girl ever and you couldnt talk to her. Its like she had these crazy thoughts and controlled them but then let the crazy person take the wheel now and then. My friends met her and those that know this are so shocked she did it cus she is a nice person and so am I. But they didnt know about the mental health issues. Its like she was a different person. But it wasnt about control cus I didnt want to control her and when things were normal it was so 50/50. She even made an effort paying for things and would insist and if I ever had an issue I could talk about it and she’d always listen and take it seriously. It was a great relationship when things were good but then that 1 week itd turn horrific. Thats how I know its depression or some mental health issue cus its two different ppl. I thought if the wobbles were only her freaking out and not doing anything shed go counselling which she came so close to last time and thatd help so much and wed be fine. But now shes wobbled and cheated with no warning sign so I dont think theres any going back.

GreeBo

I read this assuming she kissed a guy...but she kissed him, went back to his place and started having sex with him.
Even if it was the best relationship in the world this would be too much for me, but based on what you have posted, its far from the best relationship and not good for either of you.

I would be walking away, her "having doubts" and reacting to them by doing what she did is not something someone in a healthy relationship does.

retro:electro

Yeah, she’s trying to dress it up as a drunken snog which bad and all as that is, is not on the same level as going home with someone, undressing, and initiating sex, all while lying about it for days.
There’s a lot of pre-meditation involved in that and a lot of room for second thoughts and regret.
Also the fact she’s stating she doesn’t work in his department and won’t see him, again she’s minimising and deflecting. It doesn’t matter who he is or where he works, she still cheated.
Also the fact she told you she stayed over with the girls in some hashed together story is sketchy. Sounds like she was seen leaving or coming back from his house, and only fessed up to the reality of it when she realised she could get found out.

StringerBell

jk23 wrote: »

I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be alright

Always preferred the streets myself.

Either dry your eyes or don't mug yourself

LegacyUser

retro:electro wrote: »

Yeah, she’s trying to dress it up as a drunken snog which bad and all as that is, is not on the same level as going home with someone, undressing, and initiating sex, all while lying about it for days.
There’s a lot of pre-meditation involved in that and a lot of room for second thoughts and regret.
Also the fact she’s stating she doesn’t work in his department and won’t see him, again she’s minimising and deflecting. It doesn’t matter who he is or where he works, she still cheated.
Also the fact she told you she stayed over with the girls in some hashed together story is sketchy. Sounds like she was seen leaving or coming back from his house, and only fessed up to the reality of it when she realised she could get found out.

Now to be fair once she confessed she confessed fully and didn’t try dress it up or make excuses. She came from his house. She said without even prompting that she had loads of opportunities to say no if I asked. I asked if he worked in the same department and shed see him around. I had loads of questions obviously and she didnt back away from them she owned it. And she couldve got away with it too I completely bought the lie about staying with other girls and it was a dead issue for me. We had a nice chat then that now stings a lot in hindsight were I told her she never felt she had to lie if she stayed in a friends house as she has her own life and all I ask is she don’t **** anyone else and she said it was so nice to have it that way as she was used to guys being controlling and still hadnt got used to the freedom of being with me. Which is why it hurts a bit when ppl here assume Im some kind of intense controlling bully she was dying to get away from when she said multiple times how Im the opposite. If anything I think if I was like that she wouldnt have done this as thats what she sees as normal and she might have saw my kindness for weakness which is how a friend who knows her and the situation well summed it up.

retro:electro

You’re already making excuses for her. She shouldn’t be commended for finally telling the truth after days of lying. Ye had a “nice chat” afterwards? What on earth? From what I’m reading here it doesn’t seem like you have the power to reject her advances should she arrive back in a few days and decide she wants to try again. Do you have self esteem issues op?

Ursus Horribilis

What is it you're looking for from this thread?

Caranica

If someone was tracking my movements on a bus app and bombarding me with texts I'd be looking for an out too. As I said before, it was an unhealthy relationship for you both OP and you're both better off out of it. Look forward, not back.

LuckyLloyd

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What is it you're looking for from this thread?

That's the question, isn't it.

@OP: I was in a similar type of relationship for about a year. When things were good, they were great and I was besotted with them. But on a recurring basis I would be treated astonishingly badly and "reasons" would be pointed to when ultimately it all came down to a selfish manipulative person looking to have their cake and eat it too, my feelings be damned. Every time she would do something like the misbehaviour you describe (both in this thread but also in the other previous things you mention) I would talk it out with my friends; they would tell me she was bad news; and then I'd get back together at the next opportunity. Wrapped around her finger.

You've got your answer here. There's no counter argument. For sure, you can give her another chance on the basis of something she now says or promises but let's be real: she's already got prior chances and the level of her misdeeds are increasing. If her behaviour is genuinely driven by mental health issues then she needs to get help and address it. But, most likely, it is driven to some extent at least by her not actually being a nice person. And certainly not being ready to be in a serious relationship with you at this time.

Cut your losses. It's going to hurt and be disappointing, but you'll be glad you did in time. Best of luck - be nice to yourself the next while.

LegacyUser

retro:electro wrote: »

You’re already making excuses for her. She shouldn’t be commended for finally telling the truth after days of lying. Ye had a “nice chat” afterwards? What on earth? From what I’m reading here it doesn’t seem like you have the power to reject her advances should she arrive back in a few days and decide she wants to try again. Do you have self esteem issues op?

Go back and read the post again I said it was nice at the time but stings now knowing what I know. Not making excuses for her your post just didnt line up with what actually happened so it doesnt help to say shes making excuses for herself when she genuinely didnt. Shes wrong and I know it I think it was your first post I said really hit home but Id like input based on what happened and not what ppl imagined happened. If someone says Im controlling and this and that but she specifically said I wasnt and it was one of the things she liked most about being with me its a waste of their and my time having their rant cus theyve literally just imagined that. If they say she tried to pan it off as just a kiss but she blatantly didnt and gave me an in depth description Id like thoughts on the true part you know. If ppl could read what I say and give me thoughts and not try figure out what I didnt say thatd be ideal.

LegacyUser

Caranica wrote: »

If someone was tracking my movements on a bus app and bombarding me with texts I'd be looking for an out too. As I said before, it was an unhealthy relationship for you both OP and you're both better off out of it. Look forward, not back.

I was looking up when my own bus was due. Dont know if you can track a bus via the app can you? Its more when the bus comes to the stop. See what I mean about ppl imagining stuff and putting it on me or her?

amdublin

What age are you both? It sounded like the two of you had an immature and suffocating relationship to start with.

And then finally the kicker. She went home with someone else at her Christmas party and started having sex with him.

I'm sorry op. Just before Christmas and all. But it's time to let this one go. It's over

LegacyUser

Lads I wanna genuinely thank everyone who took time to post advice here or even read my confused ramblings. But mods you can prob lock this as Im sorry but alot of whats been said is nonsense and isnt helpful. One person said it was a conspiracy and she didnt really cheat. One said I was controlling when she herself said one of the best things being with me was that I wanst like exes shes had that were like that and my mates who know me think she took advantage of the freedom and trust I gave her. One person got mad and said I had self-esteem issues and was making excuses when I corrected them for saying she was trying to say it was just a kiss when that just didnt happen. One said I was harassing her when I was the one who suggested no contact. One accused me of trying to track her on an app that doesnt exist as far as I know, how is that even possible to track someone by buses. I mean fair enough maybe it was unclear in my op but you could figure that out how would I even know what bus she was on if I didnt know she was even awake or alright and was worried she didnt get home. People are getting a bit hysterical and making up their own version of my life then getting angry if I correct them just cus I want opinions on what actually happened. Maybe I wasnt clear or maybe cheating just touches a nerve I dunno but its not helping anyway.

Where Im at now is this is still very raw and Im still a bit in shock. Im not trying to make excuses for her but Im also just looking to understand everything before cutting out someone who became one of my best mates away from everything else this year. Im the type of person who when Im done with you Im done with you for good. So I want to exhaust all options and think about every scenario before I cut someone. What Ive got from this thread and I did get something is that maybe it wasnt the relationship I thought it was and I already knew just by her cheating that she wasnt the person I thought she was. I loved her and was as happy as Ive been when it was good so its a tough pill to swallow and tougher when you come on here and get told you deserve it for stuff that didnt happen and people dont consider until 2 days ago I was fine so Im still in shock. Again I do appreciate people trying but maybe be a bit more considerate and dont rush to accuse or give out to people and defo dont tell them they deserve to be cheated on unless your 100% sure youve got your story straight.

retro:electro

No point getting angry at strangers on the internet who are only trying to help you. Also you have a remarkable ability to provide an extraordinarily irrelevant amount of unnecessary detail in your posts. Might be worth working on. Merry Christmas.

lawred2

Well she's clearly not the one so best move on

And you need to seriously chill out when in a relationship the next time... You come across as seriously full on...

7 months is a blink in a healthy relationship.. that should still be the 'honeymoon' phase where it's all fun, sex and ignorance of reality..

That 7 month relationship seems to me as already being a decade's worth of anxst and bullsh!t

The one!? Seriously, have you had any decent relationships?

woodchuck

Mod note:

OP I'll close this now as per your request.

If you change your mind and want the thread reopened, please just let the mods know. You can do this by starting a new thread anonymously containing the request - we can then reopen this thread without actually starting a whole new one.

ElizaBennett

People are seriously harsh and nasty on here and should really think about their motivation for getting involved in an advice forum.. jeez..

Best of luck op. It's a painful time. It's all pretty unhealthy sounding and I hope you realise quite soon that you're better off apart. She doesn't sound ready for a relationship tbh. I'm totally with you on people jumping to conclusions and inventing their own narrative. Speaking as someone who's sought advice before there's not a lot of kindness or empathy about. All the best