Life is falling apart

Gwen Cooper

I felt that this year is my best year yet, that I'm finally getting all I ever wanted.

At the end of 2017 I got a job that I really wanted and worked very hard to get. It's another role in a company that I worked for, working on a project I was really excited about. This project was due to start in January 2018.

Since then they keep delaying the project launch. Since January they've been giving me dates, then as the date comes closer, they'd tell me that unfortunately we have to delay by another two weeks. And then another two weeks. And then again. And again.

As the project can be launched any day, they are keeping me on, ready to jump in. They give me small jobs to work on in the meantime but essentially I spend most of the time just sitting at my desk, doing nothing. That was funny for the first few weeks, but eventually I realized that my presence at work has no meaning whatsoever, that if I wasn't coming in every morning, nothing would change for them, it wouldn't make a difference. I hate that feeling. There's no purpose in coming to the office every day, and it's very hard to get out of the bed.

I am looking at other jobs, but everything I would be interested in is usually just a short-term job or maternity cover, and at least here my job is very secure.

In May I got into a relationship with a guy who makes me extremely happy. I love being around him, whether we're just sitting in silence, going to the cinema, or going on road trips, or doing whatever, as long as I'm with him. This is going to sound extremely cheesy, but things make sense when I'm with him.

I used to go to a psychiatrist once every 2 months for a check up as I have a history of self harm from more than 12 years ago and depressive episodes. During the relationship my doctor was happy to discharge me because I improved so much.

Come October, I found out that I’m pregnant. I was beside myself. Both me and him really wanted to have a baby (we knew each other for over 5 years and were together on and off, it’s not like we only met four months ago and then started trying for a baby).

Fast forward to November. We went to Brussels to celebrate my 30th birthday. Everything was great.

Then a day after my birthday I started bleeding lightly. That was Sunday about an hour before we got back on the plane to Dublin.

The bleeding was very light and according to google there was no cause for concern, so I just spent the Monday in bed resting.

My boyfriend was very supportive through the whole thing and was trying to keep my thoughts positive and kept sending me stories of women who had the same issue and delivered healthy babies.

On Tuesday it got a bit heavier and I called my GP and had a scan on Wednesday morning. We saw the baby. It had a heartbeat. I saw his little heart beating. I don’t think I can describe the feeling. It was surreal. This little thing is inside of me, alive.

Then the blow came - a few seconds after the woman pointed at the heart, she told us that it’s on the way out of the uterus and that it’s most likely going to end up in miscarriage. She told us to come back 10 days later for another scan.

We were heartbroken. We both cried in the car but we tried to stay strong and support each other.

The baby wasn’t there anymore when we had the second scan.

On the way from the hospital we stopped for breakfast and he mentioned that he’ll go home and have a nap. I asked him if we can do something, anything at all, because I can’t face being alone. He agreed and we went to the shopping center seeing it was Black Friday and we might get some Christmas presents.

After about half an hour of walking around he said that he wants to go home.

I practically begged him not to leave me alone and to stay with me. I told him that I can’t bear the thought of being by myself now. “But I’m really tired” he said.

On the way to my house I got all paranoid that he’s going to leave me now. I don’t know what lead to it, but it made perfect sense the way I saw it. I asked him if he’s going to break up with me now, he said no. I asked him to say the actual sentence “I’m not going to leave you.” He mumbled in what would sound like gibberish if you didn’t know what he was saying.

Then as he was dropping me off, I asked him one last time not to leave me alone. “I’m really tired”, he said.

I asked him if he wants to go home, have a nap and maybe he can come over in the evening. “I suppose.”

The weekend passed and he would always have an excuse - rugby was on, he was tired, he was feeling sick, etc

On Monday he pretty much ignored me and I decided to come over to his house on Tuesday. He lives an hour and half bus ride away, but I couldn’t stay alone for any longer so although I was still bleeding and in pain, I went there and stayed the night with him.

He had a very guilty look about him. Barely looked at me for the first few hours. We were fine to some extent for the rest of the day, but it still seemed like he’s far away.

I kept telling myself that he’s mourning our baby. That I’m being too hard on him and that he needs time. I went home the next afternoon and that was the last time I saw him.

I tried to be supportive, but at the same time I was going through an extremely hard time myself, still bleeding and being reminded of the miscarriage every time I went to the toilet. I tried to be strong for him, but I also felt very needy.

It’s been two weeks since I saw him. When I ask him to meet up with me, he ignores the question.

When I try small talk, he ignores the question.

When I try to call him, he never answers.

He only occasionally responds to some messages on WhatsApp.

He’s actively ghosting me.

When I ask him what’s wrong, he says he’s depressed and is not happy and doesn’t want to do anything. At the same time he goes out with his friends and still keeps going to the gym, it’s obviously just me he doesn’t want to talk to.

I asked him if he’s not happy in our relationship, to which he just kept resending the same sentence “I’m not happy.”

I asked him to be honest with me, he said he’s not going there.

I asked him if he’s just never going to meet up with me again. He doesn’t respond.

I ask him if he wants to break up. He doesn’t respond.

I don’t understand what he’s trying to do. I don’t know if this is just grief or if he’s done with me. He won’t tell even when I ask directly.

It’s like never ending pain, my brain is racing day and night trying to find the reason why he’s being like this.

If he wants to break up I wish he would tell me so this endless wondering is over.

People are telling me to text him to say that I’m breaking up with him. I can’t do that. I can’t break up with him because he makes me happy and I never felt this way about anyone.

I want him back or I want him to say that he’s done with me.

Him and the baby were the two most important things in my life. I already lost the baby. I can’t face losing him too.

I had a future, everything I ever wanted, now it’s gone.

It feels like everything is falling apart and I don’t know what to do.

I’m just lost and trapped and don’t see a way out.

Thanks for reading everyone and sorry for being a moaning Michaela.

zapper55

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's awful awful sad.

You can try and figure out what's going on in his head but it doesn't matter. He's treated your horrifically after your miscarraige. You said he makes you happy. Well he hasn't with his behaviour. Cowardly pathetic behaviour. You be given him every opportunity and he hasn't had the guts to tell you it's over and he may never.

But even if magically things returned to normal,and I don't think they will, how could you ever trust him to have your back?

I think you need to protect yourself,pick up your dignity and stop contacting him. I hope you get some bereavement counselling for the loss of your baby.

Sunflower 27

I'm so sorry, op. There's mourning and then there is this. He is actively ignoring you. You have asked him outright if he wants to break up and he has even ignored that.

Yes, we all deal with loss in our personal way but he is being cruel. He is leaving you dangling.

None of us know what's going on in his head, but him. It could be that he doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up with you after your miscarriage.

I'd take his silence as evidence this relationship is done. And I'd tell him so. If he wants to be with you, he can come and apologise and attempt to talk through things.

No one should be treated like this. All he had to say was he loved you, he just needed some time out and he wants to remain in the relationship. He hasn't said that despite your pleas.

Take back some control here x

Hannibal_Smith

A miscarriage is so sad for both parents and I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

Could the miscarriage have triggered some sort of depression for him? Unfortunately if he's not going to talk to you there's no way to know.

Youve asked and asked and he's my willing to respond, I'm not sure what else you can do. You are grieving yourself and it's important that you look after yourself, physically and mentally.

It must be so hard without him supporting you, but if you have friends and family who know, take comfort from them.

LegacyUser

I'm so very sorry for your loss op. You have a lot to contend with, grieving for your baby and I hope you will find the support you need to do so. Sadly that support isn't forthcoming from your boyfriend. I agree with the comment that, even if you could get past this, you will never again feel like you can trust this man to have your back when you need it. That's no way to live. I think you need to move on and leave this relationship behind you.

It sounds like he's trying to get you to dump him because he doesn't want to be the bad guy after what you've been through.

I imagine the baby and the responsibility that goes with it hit him hard, then when the baby was lost he felt guilty but doesn't want to commit to the possibility of another baby so he's ignoring you hoping you'll go away and all the issues with you. I'm sure it was hard on him, it probably provoked feelings he doesn't feel equipped to deal with. That doesn't excuse leaving you grieving, in pain, bleeding and confused.

I know it's hard but he's already lost. If he came back now you'd never feel secure and you don't want to spend your life wondering if he'll run at the next hurdle.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care.