Constant nitpicking

LegacyUser

Hi,

A frequent reader of Personal Issues but never posted before. This is going to be a boring post about struggles of daily life but I don't feel like I can share what I will say here with anyone of my friends. I am in a long-term relationship with an Irish guy (I am not Irish). I don't feel happy in my relationship. We've lived together for the last few years and on the outside, we are a successful and happy couple. We both have kids from previous relationships and we both work in well paid professional positions (he earns about 30% more than I do, we split bills in half). Behind the closed doors, there is a constant struggle.

I am more or less easy going, he is less so. He constantly nitpicks, nags and whinges at everything I do. I am a clean person, I do like the house to be clean (to give you an idea: I vacuum at least 2-3 times per week, wash the floors at least once per week, don't wear shoes around the house, tidy few times per week clean the kitchen every day. I don't obsess about order, I am not going to have an anxiety attack over a dish in the sink when I go to sleep and I am tired etc.) He hounds me to do things his way ( examples: rinse all dishes before putting in the dishwasher, dishes must be put back in the cupboards polished one by one even if they have been fully dried by the dishwasher, my shampoo bottles need to be closed at all times, there is an Agatha Christy's style of investigation over the tiniest scuff mark (who did it??? whereas I would rather clean it up and and get on with life).

We have moved into a beautiful new house over a two years ago and my partner keeps obsessing over minute details. He hates imperfection, signs of wear and tear, asymmetry etc. If he could he would live in a hotel room devoid of any signs of humans being around.

An additional complication is a pet who tends to have an accident once or twice per week, vet
is involved, I am doing all I can to mitigate the problem but it, unfortunately, has to be managed and is not fully curable. The pet is mine, I've had it for years before we entered into the relationship, I didn't hide the issue from my partner before moving in. Accidents are not fun but don't leave any permanent damage though as buy very expensive industrial enzyme cleaner which breaks down urine on any surface. My partner is not a big animal lover and makes a scene over each accident, including theatrical sniffing several times before cleaning up, blaming me, being angry at me etc. I get this is not pleasant but the only solution would be to give the pet away. To find a new home I would have to lie about the issue but it's not fair on the pet and any future owner. I love the animal and aside from the occasional accident, the pet is a delightful creature and it would break my heart to get rid of it.

We tend to have rows over such stuff weekly, last week we had a blow-up over a drop of water in the cupboard as I didn't have the time to dry the cups thoroughly when taken out of the dishwasher. This resulted in us not speaking to each other for 2 days. I feel I do most of the chores in the house as I am more efficient, but I would happily share this burden if he was more forthcoming. I shop, cook and do most of the chores, he will clean up the kitchen a few times per week and does his own wash as he insists on his clothes being line dried. I do the household washes, clean the bathrooms, change linens etc and I feel since it's mostly on my shoulders it is not fair to me to be hounded over every little imperfection he can find. He also insists that he doesn't make any mess, therefore, there shouldn't be half and half division of labor. Fair enough since his child is with us only on the weekends and I have the aforementioned pet.

I've tried talking about it to him many times, this only results in ugly fights (I admit both sides at fault as I am not a walkover type of a person). At this point, I react with irritation at this point each time I am nagged. I feel expects me to do what a stay at home spouse would do and I simply don't have the time and energy. My partner is very sensitive and I feel almost fragile and reacts to any disagreement with an almost theatrical offense crying, shouting, distorting and exaggerating things I've said, accusing me of bullying and abusing him (there isn't any bullying or abuse going on and I've spoken to him about crying wolf and it seems to me he is projecting). He will usually calm down and apologize but there is peace for a few days only. He has agreed to therapy several months ago to work on those things and it is slowly improving. I've attended a few months of counseling myself and worked on not to feeding into the issue which I feel helped as well. (We both come from very chaotic backgrounds) We 've just started couple's therapy, but the first session was a bit shaky as my partner felt he was attacked by the therapist (!) and who knows how it will go.

I work full time in a stressful job, go to school part time, do the majority of the chores and would like to come home to relax but at this point I find myself fantasizing about moving out and living on my own. The spark has gone out of the relationship, I don't feel supported emotionally, I feel I am constantly blamed and attacked over very minor issues which get blown out of proportion. Does being in a relationship has to be such hard work?

zapper55

No. Your relationship sounds devoid of any joy.

And the thing about him doing less chores because he hardly makes any mess is bs. Bathrooms get dusty, work surfaces get dirty.

And as for him getting angry at you about your poor incontinent pet. Uuugh. I'm not one to say get out but he sounds like he is sucking the life out of you.

leggo

Agree with the above. A lot of posts on here that basically are multi-paragraph rants about a person's core usually contain a qualifier like "I know I make them sound bad but they're smart, kind, funny etc"...I've noticed that yours does not. I mean, look, he has his pet peeves and is trying counselling, so if anyone comes on here saying you're in an abusive relationship or anything then you're not based on what you've given us, but it's also not a working one by the sounds of things either. He seems like a bit of a nightmare not ready for living with someone tbh. I'll usually try see the other side when it's a partner giving us a one-sided account, but I was completely on your side once he said he didn't make a mess. I HATE that BS, it's the weakest excuse possible for not handling your basic household responsibilities.

I'm not going to say walk immediately. This is potentially fixable. But just take a step back and indulge in your fantasy for a minute: get options to see if it'd be possible to live on your own with your pet, see what's out there and what your options are, live in that fantasy for a while and as it settles ask yourself if it makes you happier than this. Then I'd say go to him for a serious chat and let him know you've one foot out the door if you can't both get on the same page. If that scares him into copping on and coming to the negotiation table, then see what you can do. If not, maybe it's time to put this relationship to bed and write it off as tried but failed.

Dial Hard

God, OP, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are really trying to manage what sounds like a pretty untenable situation. My first thought as I read your post was that your partner sounds a bit like Patrick Bergin in "Sleeping with the Enemy" but as I read on, I changed my mind, because he doesn't sound abusive, he actually sounds like he has OCD. Has he ever been tested/diagnosed?

None of which serves to excuse his behaviour, btw, but it might explain it somewhat.

Either way, you clearly have the patience of a saint and whatever happens, I genuinely wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Really?! I had a flatmate that pulled that once on me...I don't make as much of a mess hence you need to do the chores. I call it entitled misogynistic behaviour. You work full time, you shouldn't have to do majority of the housework AND be criticised at he same time for it..who the bleep does he think he is? Oh your house isn't perfectly clean the way you want it, hire a cleaner so!!! What do you get out of this that makes it worth cleaning his house for him, being made feel uncomfortable in your home, treated as a servant, constantly on edge, being criticised and disrespected, and all this from someone who's supposed to make life more fun? Single is waaaay easier

Sardonicat

He sounds like a bully. Do you want to stay with someone who bullies you?

LolaJJ

Honestly you guys sound really incompatible and the tone of your post really demonstrates the frustration you are experiencing.

At the end of the day, it's your life and you need someone who's on your team.

Does this man add any joy to your life at all? You haven't mentioned any qualities or interactions that could go some distance toward making up for his short fuse.

Emme

OP could your pet be picking up on your stress and is this adding to the incontinence issue? I got a dog over the summer which had been in a stressful situation and she was incontinent for a week until she settled in with me. Now she is fine.

Your relationship with your partner sounds like it isn't adding anything positive to your life. Do you think there is anything left to save? I think you should have a look at the Women's Aid website: www.womensaid.ie and consider your relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Indeed constant emotional abuse and gaslighting over a long time can be just as hard emotionally as physical abuse.

Whatever you don't give your pet away. Don't let anyone manipulate you into doing this even if they don't like pets. It sounds like your life might be better as a single pet owner than to continue in this relationship as it is. Unless your partner is willing to change in a big way the relationship is of no benefit to you.

Your partner may be on the Aspergers spectrum (this would explain the obsessiveness) but that is no excuse for how he treats you. People such as this can be very bright, very successful in the science/math field but need order and routine to feel secure. People with Aspergers are not normally bullies or unpleasant people despite needing a certain amount of order in their lives. Your partner sounds like a bully.

If you do decide to leave your partner will not be happy about because not only will he lose somebody who pays 50% of the bills, he will also lose somebody who does 80% of the housework.

TheBoyConor

The second I read this OP I was immediately reminded of the film Sleeping with the Enemy where Patrick Bergin played a bullying obsessive perfectionist husband who ultimately turned out to be a psycho.

I think your partner is borderline OCD over these trivial things and whats worse he lays all blame on you and bullys you about it.

I also noted that there is not one positive statement about him in your post.

I'd be of the opinion that people are the way they are and they funadamentally do not change, even if they seem they have it is often just a temporary veil that eventually slips away revealing the prior true self.

If I were you I'd pack my bags, take my lovely pet and dump his controlling bullying ass. Then he can make sure all the plates are spotlessly polished every night, there will be no wee accidents from the pet, and all the bean tins will be stacked facing labels out.

You should go and live your life, not live in constant fear and conflict.

Jurgen Klopp

Jesus I'm sorry, I know some people have their little foibles but he sounds like a right weirdo

Emme

Nitpicking wrote: »

An additional complication is a pet who tends to have an accident once or twice per week, vet
is involved, I am doing all I can to mitigate the problem but it, unfortunately, has to be managed and is not fully curable. The pet is mine, I've had it for years before we entered into the relationship, I didn't hide the issue from my partner before moving in. Accidents are not fun but don't leave any permanent damage though as buy very expensive industrial enzyme cleaner which breaks down urine on any surface. My partner is not a big animal lover and makes a scene over each accident, including theatrical sniffing several times before cleaning up, blaming me, being angry at me etc. I get this is not pleasant but the only solution would be to give the pet away. To find a new home I would have to lie about the issue but it's not fair on the pet and any future owner. I love the animal and aside from the occasional accident, the pet is a delightful creature and it would break my heart to get rid of it.

I read the first post again and the bolded part really stood out. You say you love the pet but you don't mention that you love your partner. I can't blame you - the pet seems to have more redeeming qualities than your partner.

By making a scene over each accident your partner may be trying to browbeat you into giving away the pet. At least you realise it would not be fair on the pet to do that.

Pets know if people are upset when they have accidents. Stressed pets have more accidents. Pets hate fighting. If you are stressed your pet is bound to be stressed.

Do you really think counselling will help long-term or will he go back to his old ways? You need to have a good honest talk with a counsellor alone to see if there is any point in continuing the relationship. You are giving far more than you are getting and he doesn't seem to appreciate you at all.

As I said before, would life as a single pet owner be as stressful as the life you are living now?

Paddy Cow

Nitpicking wrote: »

My partner is very sensitive and I feel almost fragile and reacts to any disagreement with an almost theatrical offense crying, shouting, distorting and exaggerating things I've said, accusing me of bullying and abusing him (there isn't any bullying or abuse going on and I've spoken to him about crying wolf and it seems to me he is projecting).

He's not sensitive, he's manipulative. I've known people like this - you simply cannot reason with them as everything will be turned around to be an attack on them. Unfortunately the only way to deal with these people is to phase them out. I don't see how you can fix this relationship. Counselling is not going to work as he's already accusing the therapist of attacking him. He's never going to listen to sense or have any self awareness. He wants everything on his terms and compromise doesn't seem to be something he's willing to engage in.

Calypso Realm

Agree completely with PC above. However, while it's clear there are elements of controlling and abusive behaviour (personally, I don't know how you can stand living with someone like this) I'd venture even further and say he sounds a bit unstable to me. Some of his behaviour and actions you've described are quite disturbing and frankly I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn he has some form of personality disorder or mental illness.

You don't say how long you've know him but do you know much about his history prior to your meeting him? You say he's had a chaotic background, what exactly do you mean by this? His other family members-what are they like?

amdublin

I'm glad you are in couples therapy. Good luck op

Xterminator

Hi Op

the therapy is just started. let it run its course. Be clear at therapy that things are not working out for you - be honest & blunt.

if things don't improve - do what has to be done, and end the relationship.

Ganymede Glow

Hi OP.

I'm in a relationship not too dissimilar to yours at the moment. Myself and my partner have been together for 10+ years. I do love her and for the most part the relationship works.

We've actually lived together for around 4+years, we don't have kids but we do have a little dog whom I love. When I moved in with her I started to notice that she likes things done in a certain way which is fine no big deal. Trivial things like the cushions on the chair have to be at a certain angle etc small things like that. I do my fair share of cleaning and cooking etc, truth be told part of me enjoys it.

As time went on I started to notice that she was getting a little annoyed at the way I was doing things. She would notice straight away if something was moved from it's exact spot which tbh I found amusing at the time. We're a couple of years down the line and tbh I'm not laughing anymore. The nitpicking for me has escalated to a point that I'm not sure I really want to be listening to anymore. It has gotten to a stage where I feel like I'm afraid to move a cup without her making some sort of comment or issue over it. If I clean up and like I said it's no problem to me I'll gladly do it without being asked, however it almost always a case of her coming behind me and doing it again because I'm not doing X right or Y was moved from where it usually is or whatever, stuff like that. It can be very frustrating behaviour and it does cause lots of arguments. Then when we try and talk about it she storms off and feels like I'm picking on her or 'it's always me' she says. It's almost like she just doesn't see how her behaviour is affecting the relationship. And this is happening frequently now. It's a bit relentless.

The little dog we have is a house dog always has been. I got the dog for her some years ago at her request. I look after him now with regards to walks, feeding etc and I love him he's great. But recently she's starting kicking up a fuss about him having 'to go'. Doesnt want him anymore
We've had the dog about 8 years and tbh I'm standing firm on this particular one, he's not going anywhere at this stage.

Now my partner is a lovely human being, very caring and thoughtful. I've had my problems in the past and she has supported me fiercely, which I'll never forget. I've gone down the road of counselling for my own issues mostly related to my childhood and for the most part I have come out the other side much better and much more educated about myself. All very positive.

Truth be told we've both been through a lot over the years and we have both tried to support each other as best we can. I've told her I love her and I want to be with her but I've also told her the way she is behaving is putting our relationship at risk and quite frankly my patience is wearing thin. No relationship can withstand constant friction it can be mentally draining even in a relationship where there are lots of positives.

The question i ask myself is 'am I willing to put up with this if its not making me happy?'

I'm willing at least for the moment to persevere because I feel the positives outweigh the negatives at the moment. But that's me.

I think you ask yourself a simliar question. Anyway apologies if I hijacked the thread, hope it works out.

professore

I also can relate to this and Ganymede Glow's post above. I am you - or a much less tidy version of you - in my marriage OP. I am quite on the messy side by nature and have to force myself to be tidy. My wife on the other hand is the opposite and would be of the "there is only one way to pack the dishwasher" school of thought.
Ultimately after many fights we came to a compromise where she lets certain things slide and so do I. Neither of us is completely happy but this is the definition of compromise and a healthy relationship.

As an aside, stereotypically Irish men (and women to a lesser degree) are slobs - the exact opposite of your boyfriend. Germans, Dutch etc tend to be more like this.

Again this is another one that most definitely isn't a gendered issue. It is often related to upbringing too.

Is it possible he is on the autism spectrum - the rigid nature of his obsession with order almost sounds like he could be.

BBFAN

Hi OP and others. I completely understand how you feel. My daughter suffers from anxiety and it's only when I looked into it that I realised this was the reason for a lot of her behaviour. I'm fairly easy going by nature and she's freaked out by what I consider silly things like stuff being left on a table because that's where I find them easiest to find them or even simpler things like a cupboard door being open.

I've learned to ignore it and point out to her that it's not a big deal. She is getting counselling and I think that's helping her realise that her expectations are unrealistic. But in the meantime I just point out the logic of the situation when she's freaked out by things.

It's easier in my situation because we don't live together so when she freaks out about things being left on the table or counter I point out that it's my house and she doesn't get to decide. I don't know how easy it would be if we were sharing a house though.

I empathise but your partner needs to start realising that some things are not logical.

Counselling may be the answer.

BBFAN

Just re-reading the OP and seriously, you need to put your foot down here and insist that he gets serious counselling or you're out.

It will only get worse. It's not normal behaviour and it comes from a place of anxiety but it has to be dealt with.

I have found that not tolerating it has helped with my daughter. If for example there's a cupboard door or drawer left open I'll let her close it without comment but I won't close it if she's tutting and shaking her head.

Also if there's stuff on the table or counter that I want left there so they're easy to find I will not let her put them away.

She has realised that her behaviour is illogical and so is seeking help but less arguments take place if I don't rise to it in anyway.

professore

BBFAN wrote: »

I'm fairly easy going by nature and she's freaked out by what I consider silly things like stuff being left on a table because that's where I find them easiest to find them or even simpler things like a cupboard door being open.

Borh these were meltdown scenarios for my wife. Especially the cupboard door open. That was the end of civilisation as we know it.

Kidchameleon

Op please be aware that your child is also being exposed to this behaviour

Finchie1276

Hello,

I think your partner may have issues with emotional regulation - seeing which emotions are appropriate and at what level seems to be an issue for sure.
The OCD may truly be the root of the issue - if you have come from chaotic backgrounds the control may be his way of coping. I would suggest that he sees a professional - psychotherapist specialising in the issues he has - I think it needs to be plain as day though. ' You need to engage with a professional otherwise I am leaving within the following timeframe'

The One Doctor

If you have no children with him, run now. I notice that you haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities in him.

Run, get the hell out of there, take your pet and move on.

TheBoyConor

The One Doctor wrote: »

If you have no children with him, run now. I notice that you haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities in him.

Run, get the hell out of there, take your pet and move on.

Exactly. I wouldn't even waste my breath asking him about therapy or counselors. Just tell him it's not working out between ye and you are leaving. Dump him and block and delete him and move on with your life. He's a head melter.

Emme

The One Doctor wrote: »

If you have no children with him, run now. I notice that you haven't mentioned any redeeming qualities in him.

Run, get the hell out of there, take your pet and move on.

Best advice so far. This man will not change. A chaotic childhood is no excuse. You say you had a chaotic childhood and you don't go around throwing tantrums when there is a drop of water in the crockery cupboard.

He will not change. He's already saying the therapist is attacking him. He might settle down for a while in therapy but any changes in him will be short-term.

Get out for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of your pet. No relationship is worth this hassle.

nthclare

I'm a guy and I had a male friend who treated his partner badly.

The straw that broke the camel's back with her was the evening he wouldn't let it go because she forgot to click the cap on a washing up liquid bottle....

I don't know why some people end up with these people, but walking on eggshells in a relationship is stressful.
I myself had been in a similar situation, if you're a free spirit and can't cope with the nitpicking the best thing for you is follow your gut.

I can't handle nitpicking, I don't do it so I can't understand these people.
Because I just don't know where the next nitpick will come out of.

It's lonely sometimes being single, but it's more lonely being with a nit picker.

I started dating someone after a break from dating a few months, we were getting along fine until she​ started nit picking me for not doing what she said don't do.

From day one I said I'd help with the dishes, leave it I don't expect guests to do anything around the house, I suggested if sweep her floor while she was putting her son to bed.
No leave it "like I said I don't expect guests to do my housework"
It would have taken me 5 minutes to sweep the floor, and she'd be able to come down stairs put her feet up and have a cuppa tea waiting for her.
Bliss in my head...

It's hard enough being a single mum, I think it's endearing for someone to have another help out.

Week 4 Saturday morning, she came down stairs had a meltdown over the fact the kitchen was in a state, asked me to do something, I happily helped. She didn't notice the 90% I did but only the 10% I didn't.
I got it for a half an hour after.
Continued on for the day, we went for a drive, boy did I get a skinful.
Kept my mouth shut, she turned around and said I suppose you will dissapear after today.
She was right.

I walked.
It was easy to walk away.

I'm sorry for bringing myself into this, but it's not a nice place to be.
And we all deserve better.

If he has to get help and you're willing to support him or go for counseling that's a start.

But if he doesn't change, you dont want to end up with Victor Meldrew...

Wishing you luck

Calypso Realm

I read somewhere that aside from personality/mental illnesses (of which, I believe most cases have some elements) it can be about control, pure and simple.

I worked with someone like this once-a new manager who, frankly should never have been appointed, she was way out of her depth, who had an obsession with tidiness. Rather odd, though this never extended to the more senior people in the department, whose paperwork was in constant disarray, far worse than those she targeted!

SirChenjin

Honestly OP, and I don't post this lightly, I think you should walk away from this. It's a mess and you sound SO unhappy.

In relation to counselling, I have read / heard (but am open to correction on this) that joint counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships.

And unfortunately this, in my opinion, is what your relationship is.

All the best.

Fakediamond

With that level of overreaction over dishes, I’d be concerned that he’d hurt your dog over accidents when you’re not around. Cruelty to animals would not be unusual with those personality types.

Emme

Fakediamond wrote: »

With that level of overreaction over dishes, I’d be concerned that he’d hurt your dog over accidents when you’re not around. Cruelty to animals would not be unusual with those personality types.

I agree 100%.

As a lifetime dog owner I have noticed that they are far more likely to have accidents when stressed of if somebody is abusing them.

I am not saying the OP's partner does this even though she said he wasn't a "pet" person. If he did he sounds like the kind of person who would do it behind the OP's back.