Woman is getting separated - love or am I the rebound?

average hero

Long story short, a woman in my current place of work is separating from her marriage of 3 years. She has been flirting with me since August perhaps and it wasn't until November-ish that I have started to flirt back.

She has initiated many messaging conversations and it is very clear that we are extremely attracted to each other. We have stated that to each other while having had a number of drinks.

It is clear that she is getting separated. She hasn't been wearing her ring and told me that she is going to the lawyer this week.

Last week at a work do, she arrived and in front of others was holding my hand, playing footsie with me and we both told each other that we really fancied each other. However, she decided to leave with a group instead of me. I have taken it quite badly as I was falling for her and feel I was led up the garden path a little. I feel I may be part of the collateral damage of their breakup a little?

As stated, I understand that I have taken it badly and that I am a little irrational but that is why I am posting here. I need clarity on next steps.

1) Do I ask her what she wants from the two of us? At least that would make it clear. It would establish boundaries too.
2) Am I being taken for a ride by someone who has her own stuff to deal with?
3) Do I just try to ignore her flirting and move on to someone else?

What is the best course of action?

Thanks.

amdublin

Hmmm. Who knows. I'd suggest you give her a little space to get her separation going and then see where you are.

leggo

Interesting one. I was cynical about the flirting, just how separated she was exactly, and wondered if you were a dalliance into singledom before she cut the chord. I was fully prepared to trot out the "Those who cheat with you, cheat on you" line. Then the work do behaviour kinda pulled me back a bit. The fact she didn't follow it up, I think, lends a bit of credibility to what she's telling you. Without much to go on, my gut would tell me she may have not felt ready to do anything yet. Maybe she does like you but is being sensible and catching herself on the rebound, doing something with you now, when it's still very raw and current, may ruin any chance of something proper happening down the line. Maybe she realised she wasn't ready yet, but that doesn't mean she won't be in time either. I know it might've been frustrating but look at it from this standpoint: if she hasn't even been to a lawyer yet, does jumping into bed with a work colleague sounds like a smart move? Is that a situation you want to get tied up in?

As for what you do from here, whatever the actual case may be, I'd take a big step back for the moment. If you're on dating apps or being actively single in general, keep doing what you're doing and don't around wait for this person. But keep it on the backburner with expectations set to low. She's the one with stuff going on behind the scenes, you've told her you like her now, so let her make the move if she wants and go from there depending on how you feel if/when she does. It's the smartest play as then you avoid a potentially messy work situation (as well as looking like a tool chasing her if it doesn't work out) and won't get left in the lurch.

LegacyUser

I've had a woman in that exact situation do that to me. I'm happily married, but this one didn't give up and she also had a number of other guys led up the garden path at the same time. She was messaging me constantly and I had to put a stop to it. She now is stringing a guy along in work that is also going through a separation. Poor lad can't see that she's a player and is going to be heartbroken when she's finished with him.

average hero

Hey folks - thanks for your responses.

They have me feel better about the whole thing.

We were messaging last night briefly. I said that we probably need a bit of space with the smiley emoji to which she replied she didn't think that was so funny (referring to the emoji, I presume). I then told her how she makes me feel like a bloody teenager again and she said she didn't mean to make me feel like that.

As one poster said, perhaps I am a dalliance into singledom but for a number of reasons, I think we both need a little space from each other.

ginandtonicsky

She’s in a very different place in life than you and probably enjoying the light-hearted excitement of flirting with someone new. The ego boost of that alone may be all she’s looking for.

Personally, no way would I be getting involved with a still-married guy who hasn’t even seen a lawyer yet about his separation. That’s red flag number one. Number two is that you work together and stand to be hit reputationally here as well as emotionally.

You’ve told her you think you should take a step back, stand by that and don’t respond to her messages anymore, or at least keep the door firmly shut to any flirting or stepping over the professional line. Let her deal with her separation as a priority and if it’s meant to be down the line when the dust settles, it will be. Protecting yourself & your feelings should be priority number one though for now.

mada82

There’s no way you should be getting involved in this situation. It’s not the right time and it sounds like you’ve already invested too much.

I wouldn’t touch anyone who wasn’t single for about 6 months if I wanted something serious with them.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Do you know what isn't clear.
1. how much you are attracted to this woman.
2. What you would like to happen here.

so here's the thing if this is a casual thing and an ego boost for you, my advice would be slight different to if you suspect she might be your potential soulmate and would be devastated if you broke up.

It sounds casual, and if that's all it is, then you could tell her you like her, but she need to get the separation business sorted before you will get involved. she may back off then, or she may do what you ask.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you not worried at all about your reputation in work or what might happen if this all goes wrong? Timing wise, the optics certainly aren't good.

professore

She's only married 3 years, is still married, and already flirting with you in public? Not relationship material. Good for a one night stand and that's it. Careful her husband doesn't catch you though as he might not be as up to speed with these divorce plans as she is.

average hero

Thanks all for your posts.

Just a quick update (and ending):

My project in this country (Eastern Europe) will be paused for a number of months. The lady in question above invited me to a quiet room in a quiet part of the building for 5 minutes where she gave me a (quite thoughtful and expensive) gift to say thanks, to not forget her and to keep in touch.

I was quite taken aback and before I knew it we were kissing. That was momentary however as while she wasn't wearing her ring, we both agreed that we shouldn't.

A few days afterwards, she was messaging me and I said that despite things being complicated for her, I hope all works out for the best for her, whatever happens.

She then asked me if I felt any responsibility for flirting with her. I started to feel that she wasn't going to separate with her husband and that I have been taken up the garden path. She has essentially used me as an ego boost and if indeed she isn't going to separate with her husband, then she is not being very nice to him either.

Anyway, I feel like a fool for letting this lady do this but at least nothing too romantic happened and I can forget about it.

It worked out like what leggo said might. Thanks all - I am off to work on myself.

Paddy Cow

average hero wrote: »

She then asked me if I felt any responsibility for flirting with her.

The cheek of her! She's the one who is married and started flirting in the first place. Work place romances can be tricky at the best of times but this is a head melt. Keep your distance to avoid any future drama. She doesn't know what she wants and was looking for validation by flirting with other men.