Five years on and same situation

LegacyUser

I'm visiting my grandparents this weekend and my grandmother just made a comment that totally crushed me, which is that her big birthday party was almost five years ago now. It feels like it was yesterday, because I very clearly remember how depressed I was at it. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years, and was single at 28 with my life turned upside down. Within a few weeks I'd had to move out of our flat, change jobs (we worked together) and had suddenly lost most of my social circle, as our lives had been so entwined that most of my friends had originally been his friends. While it was devastating, I felt confident deep down that things would get better, and imagined that in five years' time, I could well be married to someone else, maybe with a kid, even.

Why am I so down right now? Because those five years have flown by, and I'm in exactly the same position again. I ended up taking a year to myself after the break-up to recover and find myself again and work on building a life and hobbies. I didn't date at all. I didn't actively look (i.e. dating apps), but I did do a lot of social stuff and was open to anything if it happened, but it didn't happen. There were a few guys who were definitely interested, but never made a move and so nothing came of it. I kept working on myself, taking up yoga, keeping fit, focusing on work, and so on. About a year after the break-up, I met a guy and we got on amazingly well. We had so much in common, amazing sexual chemistry, he was basically exactly the kind of guy I was looking for. Unfortunately, he was about to head off travelling for 18 months, so after a few months of dating, that was that. We decided to keep in touch as friends. About a month after that, I went on a trip of a lifetime myself as a 30th birthday present to myself, finally in a good place, with good self-esteem and excited about the future. Wouldn't you know it, I went out to an event there, and met a guy. We had a bit of a fling, and agreed to stay in touch. I initially said no way to the possibility of a relationship, as I wasn't prepared to move there, but he said he'd move here if he could find a way, so we agreed to try. Well, what a terrible decision. We ended up in a full-blown long distance relationship for two years, spending a month or two together every 5-6 months, and then in the end, it didn't work out. His plans to move here weren't working out and both of us were tired of the distance, expense and stress involved. It wasn't fun anymore and we agreed to move on.

At this stage, I wasn't TOO down. I felt I was still young, about to turn 32, and I felt I had a good life. I was travelling a lot, I'd picked up some new interests, spending more time with my family and just generally in a good place. I was still in touch with the guy I dated who had gone travelling, and we agreed to take a trip together somewhere we'd both always wanted to go, as a treat for me after my break-up. Well, we got on great, and hooked up a few times, and ended up basically dating, unofficially. I wasn't too comfortable with a long term friends with benefits situation, so I told him we could either officially date or remain good friends, the choice was his. I was uncomfortable here because I felt like he was trying to have his cake and eat it. He agreed to date officially but his heart never seemed in it, and it went on for way longer than it should have until we ended up having a huge fight a few months back and ending everything. Now we barely even speak. It was terrible for my self esteem because he called me 'pushy' for asking for what I considered to be very, very basic things for someone in a relationship (meeting the odd friend, him tagging me in things we'd done together when posting about it on social media, expecting us to celebrate my birthday together, etc.)

So I'm now 33, newly single again, five years later. I've watched countless friends meet people, get married and start families while I've wasted my time with men who refused to commit. I think I've got plenty going for me. I'm considered attractive, I look young for my age (most people put me in my late twenties), I've retrained and started a new career, but romantic relationships just seem to elude me for some reason. I'm not good in big groups and have social anxiety, so one-on-one friendships and relationships have always been my preferred way to spend time with people, but I just don't seem to be able to achieve it now. With my seven-year relationship, I literally just met the guy and he was interested and pursued me and that was that, but since then, it's been like pulling teeth to actually meet a man interested in anything long term. I've ventured onto some of the dating apps and received some soul destroying messages from entitled men expecting to meet up for sex the same day. I have met a couple of nice men, but they don't seem very interested in me. One guy for some reason keeps inviting me to do things with him but hasn't made a move or given any indication that he's attracted to me. I was flirty with him the last couple of times I met and have not-so-subtly asked if he likes me 'that way', but nothing....just small talk and suggestions to meet up.

So what on earth do I do now? I really would like to get married and maybe have a family, but it feels like everyone is just looking for something 'better' all the time. It makes me feel small and insignificant. I always seem to be the 'OK for now' girl - never the one to commit to. Do I continue actively dating, using apps and so on? Do I just accept that it's likely to just not happen for me and find other things to make me happy? I see people all around me meeting people and getting married within a couple of years....what is it about me that nobody wants to do that with me?

LegacyUser

Hey

Just thought I'd give you a virtual hug. I'm in the same boat and so it seems are a lot of good, funny, driven women of the same age. About 6mths ago I got broken up with, again, but this time by text and just found it so disheartening, especially as it seemed to be going really well and he seemed to want to settle down and we really clicked. And to go from that to a text breakup just made me so fed up of apps, dating and going thru the same cycle again and again. I can't give you any advice as I feel the same as you...what's wrong with me..it seems like I'd be a good match for someone- I recently changed careers, have a good job with potential, have loads of hobbies and love sports, am independent, have a good group of friends, am not bad looking, keep in relatively good shape. And nada, guys just don't want anything long term. It could be me, but at this stage, I just couldn't be bothered trying anymore and have thrown in the towel. If I meet someone great but I've started to accept it just might not be in my future.

ginandtonicsky

Sorry for how you're feeling OP. I'm the same age and had a big breakup about a year ago so I'm well aware of the toll it can take on you and equally how dating in your 30s can be such a challenging/weird experience.

The one glaring thing to me is that a lot of the language you use about yourself is indicative of someone with low self-esteem, and using dating apps when you're feeling that way about yourself is like walking around with a live grenade. You're just asking to feel worse and worse about yourself because every flakey non-committal guy you meet is going to reinforce this negative idea you have about yourself.

And dating apps are littered with flakey, non-committal types! If you're going to online date, you need to be completely secure with yourself and OK with the fact that it's a numbers game and you're probably going to go on a LOT of dates before you meet someone on the same page as you with whom there's a mutual spark. You're essentially looking for a unicorn, and the swiping nature of these apps means people give others less of a chance than they would in the "real world" and that's no reflection on you at all. It's just the name of the game.

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

I've watched countless friends meet people, get married and start families while I've wasted my time with men who refused to commit.

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

I always seem to be the 'OK for now' girl - never the one to commit to. Do I continue actively dating, using apps and so on? Do I just accept that it's likely to just not happen for me and find other things to make me happy?

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

I see people all around me meeting people and getting married within a couple of years....what is it about me that nobody wants to do that with me?

These are some pretty grim and loaded things to be telling yourself about who you are and what you're worth. We have to be so, so careful about the stories that we tell ourselves because they can very easily dictate our behaviour and become self-fulfilling prophecies.

You've had what sounds to me like a pretty standard few years of dating. Dating can be hard no doubt, but you took a chance and went with your gut with a few guys that crossed your path and it didn't work out, so what? This is not "wasting your time", this is simply living your life! You made the best decisions for yourself with the information available at the time and you didn't end up married with kids a few short years later. You learned a thing or two along the way and probably won't be so quick to jump into a long distance relationship or fall into a FWB scenario again. Sounds like time well spent to me tbh.

Please consider changing the script here because walking around thinking "I'm never the girl guys want" and "what's wrong with me?" is just going to lead to more bad feelings about yourself and potentially more men that reinforce your world view.

There's lots more I could address here but the other main point I'd make is that comparing your life to that of your friends or to anyone for that matter is a recipe for disaster. They're on their own paths, you're on yours and each are of their own merit, no-one's is better or worse. Some of the "happily married couples" you see now will be divorced in a few years, some are lonelier than you'll ever be, guaranteed there's someone out there looking at your freedom to travel and career-change and pursue hobbies and wishing they had made different choices.

On top of that, rushing through the dating scene trying to reach a foregone conclusion before you've given a new romance the chance to develop is a surefire way of getting nowhere in your love life - guys will pick up on that just like you would and it won't draw them to you.

Finally, here's a quote that really helped me through a dark time after my own breakup last year:

You're not behind in life. There's no schedule or timetable that we all must follow. Wherever you are right now is exactly where you need to be. Seven billion people can't do exactly the same thing in the same scheduled order. We are all different with a variety of needs and goals. Some get married early, some get married late, some don't get married at all. What is early? What is late? Compared with whom? Compared with what? Some want children, some don't. Your life is not on anyone else's schedule. Don't beat yourself up for where you are right now. It's YOUR timetable, not anyone else's, and nothing is off schedule.

LegacyUser

Lonelyladies wrote: »

Hey

Just thought I'd give you a virtual hug. I'm in the same boat and so it seems are a lot of good, funny, driven women of the same age. About 6mths ago I got broken up with, again, but this time by text and just found it so disheartening, especially as it seemed to be going really well and he seemed to want to settle down and we really clicked. And to go from that to a text breakup just made me so fed up of apps, dating and going thru the same cycle again and again. I can't give you any advice as I feel the same as you...what's wrong with me..it seems like I'd be a good match for someone- I recently changed careers, have a good job with potential, have loads of hobbies and love sports, am independent, have a good group of friends, am not bad looking, keep in relatively good shape. And nada, guys just don't want anything long term. It could be me, but at this stage, I just couldn't be bothered trying anymore and have thrown in the towel. If I meet someone great but I've started to accept it just might not be in my future.

Thanks so much for the reply. I'm starting to wonder if it's BECAUSE I come across as successful, confident and independent? My two relationships in my twenties started when I was in a very bad place (the first one when I'd been misdiagnosed with a serious illness, the second when the first guy had just cheated and gaslighted me for months) and it was like they could sense the vulnerability on me, and swooped in to 'save' me. I felt they both infantalised me and patronised me - especially the second guy - and I wouldn't put up with that now.

I just want so much to feel that security of being in a long term relationship, knowing someone has my back, that I'm someone's no.1 priority. Someone to live with, eat with. I genuinely am not overly bothered about looks - I want a smart guy with a sense of humour. I don't feel like I'm expecting anything massive, so why is it so hard?

milli milli

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

I just want so much to feel that security of being in a long term relationship, knowing someone has my back, that I'm someone's no.1 priority. (

To be honest I made myself MY no.1 priority, I feel secure by myself and I also made myself happy.
Right at this very moment (and I thought I’d never say this about myself, being the hopeless romantic that I am) I am quite happy by myself. I know I’m the source of my own happiness, a partner can only add to that happiness but ultimately I am happy with or without a partner.
And ironically I am attracting way more guys (at the ripe age of 43!) - seriously I am having more interest now than 10 years ago, when I was a lot more needy!

Sorry if the above statement was all ‘I, me, my’ - I’m just speaking from my own perspective. I know it’s a massive cliche when people say ‘be happy on your own’, but it’s true.
Also Ginandtonisky gave some great advice, so have a think about it.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Sorry for how you're feeling OP. I'm the same age and had a big breakup about a year ago so I'm well aware of the toll it can take on you and equally how dating in your 30s can be such a challenging/weird experience.

The one glaring thing to me is that a lot of the language you use about yourself is indicative of someone with low self-esteem, and using dating apps when you're feeling that way about yourself is like walking around with a live grenade. You're just asking to feel worse and worse about yourself because every flakey non-committal guy you meet is going to reinforce this negative idea you have about yourself.

And dating apps are littered with flakey, non-committal types! If you're going to online date, you need to be completely secure with yourself and OK with the fact that it's a numbers game and you're probably going to go on a LOT of dates before you meet someone on the same page as you with whom there's a mutual spark. You're essentially looking for a unicorn, and the swiping nature of these apps means people give others less of a chance than they would in the "real world" and that's no reflection on you at all. It's just the name of the game.







These are some pretty grim and loaded things to be telling yourself about who you are and what you're worth. We have to be so, so careful about the stories that we tell ourselves because they can very easily dictate our behaviour and become self-fulfilling prophecies.

You've had what sounds to me like a pretty standard few years of dating. Dating can be hard no doubt, but you took a chance and went with your gut with a few guys that crossed your path and it didn't work out, so what? This is not "wasting your time", this is simply living your life! You made the best decisions for yourself with the information available at the time and you didn't end up married with kids a few short years later. You learned a thing or two along the way and probably won't be so quick to jump into a long distance relationship or fall into a FWB scenario again. Sounds like time well spent to me tbh.

Please consider changing the script here because walking around thinking "I'm never the girl guys want" and "what's wrong with me?" is just going to lead to more bad feelings about yourself and potentially more men that reinforce your world view.

There's lots more I could address here but the other main point I'd make is that comparing your life to that of your friends or to anyone for that matter is a recipe for disaster. They're on their own paths, you're on yours and each are of their own merit, no-one's is better or worse. Some of the "happily married couples" you see now will be divorced in a few years, some are lonelier than you'll ever be, guaranteed there's someone out there looking at your freedom to travel and career-change and pursue hobbies and wishing they had made different choices.

On top of that, rushing through the dating scene trying to reach a foregone conclusion before you've given a new romance the chance to develop is a surefire way of getting nowhere in your love life - guys will pick up on that just like you would and it won't draw them to you.

Finally, here's a quote that really helped me through a dark time after my own breakup last year:

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I know dating apps are littered with flaky types, but these days it's how almost everyone meets partners. I absolutely hate everything about them and wish to God they'd never been invented, but they were. Because of their very existence, people now don't approach each other in real life. Yes I sometimes approach men, but they seem to find it strange and think it's weird, because everyone is on the apps now. It was so ridiculously easy to meet my long term ex - we had a class together, and started as friends, and got on great and it just turned into more. It seems almost impossible to recreate that situation now. I just don't meet many single men in my age range. I work with several lovely guys, but they all have wives and partners. Lots of people told me at the time I was crazy to break up with a guy at almost 29, and that we should just make it work, and honestly, I do feel like that a lot of the time. He's married with a kid now and here I am, talking to flaky men on dating apps at 33. It's not even like I arrogantly believed I'd find someone else easily - part of the reason the relationship limped on for 2 years past its expiration was that I was so worried I wouldn't find anyone else and I didn't want to end up using apps. In the end, I just felt like I was living 'my' life - I was living his life that was all about him. I love to travel and it was like pulling teeth getting him to show any interest in going anywhere. He didn't appreciate how hard it was for me to constantly go out with his huge groups of friends (I have social anxiety), always complaining about what I didn't do but never appreciating the many, many sacrifices I made. It had just turned toxic. And here I am.

I don't think apps are right for me because I think it takes me a while to be myself and I like to build up genuine connections, but I just don't know how to find those now. Someone suggested a language exchange meetup, but that ended up being just like a dating app in real life. Apparently they're notorious for men turning up trying to hook up with young foreign women, and some people have even been banned because of it. The atmosphere felt sordid and weird. I've enjoyed going on hiking meetups and met some very nice people, but most are older and already have partners. I'm open and sociable when I travel alone, meeting people at hostels and so on, but very wary of getting into anything long distance again, so only make friends doing that as opposed to more.

I will have the option to work remotely again soon and live wherever I want, and I think that would be an amazing opportunity to get to see the world and meet lots of new people, but then there's a voice in my head going 'you're already 33, do you want to come back in 3 years still single with even less chance of marriage and kids?' I get so jealous of the women I meet in their early to mid twenties who work remotely and travel because that avenue wasn't really open to me at the time. Now it is, it feels like it's the wrong stage of life for it. I can't truly enjoy it because I have that nagging voice at the back of my mind that although I love travel, my ultimate goal is to meet someone. My mum says that I have a very good chance of meeting someone WHILE travelling, and that I should just live my life and do what I want to do and meet as many people as I can, but it feels a bit counterproductive to go off gallivanting rather than staying in one place and building up some stability and a real friend group? Then again, I could stay here and none of that could happen, everyone my age could be focusing on partners and kids, I could meet nobody AND have missed out on potential amazing experiences. I just don't know.

I know what you mean about learning experiences and the fact I was living my life and it just didn't work out the way I wanted, but I feel like I've wasted my time because I didn't walk away sooner. When the red flags appeared with the LDR guy, I continued on despite them. I'm really bad with the 'sunken cost fallacy'. I actually remember thinking 'we should try to make it work because I'm almost 31 and we've invested a year'. Now I look back at how ridiculous that thought was. With the last guy, I knew in my heart that he would never be able to commit to me properly or be a real boyfriend, but it was fun and I really enjoyed his company, so I let it go on for way too long, and now the friendship is ruined as well as the relationship. I feel resentful that he wasted my time when he knew deep down he would never be capable of a 'real' relationship and he feels resentful that I pushed him into a relationship he claims he didn't want.

I wouldn't say I'm trying to rush into things and push the relationship forward too fast (as the last guy claimed), but I do need some kind of indication that it at least has the potential to go somewhere? I find it really tricky to find the right balance between not letting guys waste my time and being seen as too pushy. The feedback I've received from men has been totally contradictory, with some saying I'm so laid back and independent I don't seem bothered about dating, and others telling me I'm needy and stressful. I just don't get it.

Sorry for the word vomit (thinking 'out loud'), and thanks again for your advice.

LegacyUser

milli milli wrote: »

To be honest I made myself MY no.1 priority, I feel secure by myself and I also made myself happy.
Right at this very moment (and I thought I’d never say this about myself, being the hopeless romantic that I am) I am quite happy by myself. I know I’m the source of my own happiness, a partner can only add to that happiness but ultimately I am happy with or without a partner.
And ironically I am attracting way more guys (at the ripe age of 43!) - seriously I am having more interest now than 10 years ago, when I was a lot more needy!

Sorry if the above statement was all ‘I, me, my’ - I’m just speaking from my own perspective. I know it’s a massive cliche when people say ‘be happy on your own’, but it’s true.
Also Ginandtonisky gave some great advice, so have a think about it.

I hope to reach that point. I mean, I sometimes do feel just like that. One of my hobbies takes me to different countries/cities and lets me meet super interesting people and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world when I'm stepping off a plane or train somewhere great, or sipping coffee next to a beautiful beach, but then I get that crushing loneliness that I have nobody to share it with. This is what kept me so long in previous relationships - that sense of always having someone to do things with, whether it's a meal out or a city break. I'm definitely comfortable on my own, have travelled widely alone and spend much of my time alone. I'm definitely not someone who needs someone around all the time, but I have experienced how much better it is to enjoy all those things with a partner and I want to find that again.

It's just so frustrating when people keep asking me why 'someone like me' is single. I get the feeling people think I'm too fussy or something, and it's absolutely not that. I just seem to have made a series of bad decisions and wasted a lot of time in relationships which went nowhere. I actually have only spent a year truly, properly single (from 29 to 30) since my first relationship started at 21, so it's not as if I'm commitment phobic or holding out for some dream man. I just don't seem to be able to get it right. I have only dated one man who truly seemed to love me and want a future with me, and in the end my depression and overthinking messed it up and we grew apart. Maybe that was my big chance and I messed it up. Feels like that.

That's why I'm wondering if it might be better to just give up on actively dating altogether. Just assume it won't happen for me, and concentrate on enjoying every day and doing things I enjoy and cultivate more meaningful friendships.

CALI

Honestly, you’re 33 not 73! I’m 40, eternally single, but deep down still believe I could meet the right person (and have kids if I really wanted to). I don’t think you mentioned a mortgage? You are unbelievably lucky to not be tied to a house, like me, and to have a job you can work remotely from, unlike me. The world is your bloody oyster and you don’t realise it! You seem to do all the right things like getting out to meet ups and travel etc. Keep doing that. Sometimes I wish I was more pro active at dating when I was 33 but I wasn’t ready then so I can’t have regrets. You’re doing all the right things unlike me. Go live your life and forget about looking for someone for a while. I’d give anything to travel with work. Sorry if I sound harsh. I’m an overthinker myself but I think you’re in a great position to meet someone and you will eventually. But be a bit more chill!

LegacyUser

CALI wrote: »

Honestly, you’re 33 not 73! I’m 40, eternally single, but deep down still believe I could meet the right person (and have kids if I really wanted to). I don’t think you mentioned a mortgage? You are unbelievably lucky to not be tied to a house, like me, and to have a job you can work remotely from, unlike me. The world is your bloody oyster and you don’t realise it! You seem to do all the right things like getting out to meet ups and travel etc. Keep doing that. Sometimes I wish I was more pro active at dating when I was 33 but I wasn’t ready then so I can’t have regrets. You’re doing all the right things unlike me. Go live your life and forget about looking for someone for a while. I’d give anything to travel with work. Sorry if I sound harsh. I’m an overthinker myself but I think you’re in a great position to meet someone and you will eventually. But be a bit more chill!

I know. I have a thing about my age. I've actually always had it. I remember being 18 and concerned that I'd be 22 and not 21 coming out of college. I remember being 24 and worried that I'd be the oldest person on my Master's course (I was about the third youngest). I remember being 29 and feeling like my time was almost running out to meet anyone. I don't know why I have that thing. It's annoying and really counter-productive, because I feel like I make bad decisions because of it. Maybe comes from my family pressuring me to do X and Y by such an age, I don't know.

Yes, I do realise the world is my oyster, and I'm very lucky. Just feel like I've got things a bit backwards. Spent my twenties doing the 9-5 thing and living with a man, as travel or work abroad weren't an option, and now I have the chance to do it but it feels like I'm giving up a lot to do it? To be honest, I wouldn't get a mortgage because I don't earn enough and am a freelancer. While I do enjoy and appreciate my freedom, it also means I don't have the security of having an asset that you have and have spent hundreds of thousands on rent in my life. Just trying to find a way to make the best of it!

You're right, I do need to be more chill. The poster who said I have poor self esteem was right. I need to stop worrying about whether men want me and look at myself objectively....just hard to do that sometimes!

CALI

O

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

CALI wrote: »

Honestly, you’re 33 not 73! I’m 40, eternally single, but deep down still believe I could meet the right person (and have kids if I really wanted to). I don’t think you mentioned a mortgage? You are unbelievably lucky to not be tied to a house, like me, and to have a job you can work remotely from, unlike me. The world is your bloody oyster and you don’t realise it! You seem to do all the right things like getting out to meet ups and travel etc. Keep doing that. Sometimes I wish I was more pro active at dating when I was 33 but I wasn’t ready then so I can’t have regrets. You’re doing all the right things unlike me. Go live your life and forget about looking for someone for a while. I’d give anything to travel with work. Sorry if I sound harsh. I’m an overthinker myself but I think you’re in a great position to meet someone and you will eventually. But be a bit more chill!

I know. I have a thing about my age. I've actually always had it. I remember being 18 and concerned that I'd be 22 and not 21 coming out of college. I remember being 24 and worried that I'd be the oldest person on my Master's course (I was about the third youngest). I remember being 29 and feeling like my time was almost running out to meet anyone. I don't know why I have that thing. It's annoying and really counter-productive, because I feel like I make bad decisions because of it. Maybe comes from my family pressuring me to do X and Y by such an age, I don't know.

Yes, I do realise the world is my oyster, and I'm very lucky. Just feel like I've got things a bit backwards. Spent my twenties doing the 9-5 thing and living with a man, as travel or work abroad weren't an option, and now I have the chance to do it but it feels like I'm giving up a lot to do it? To be honest, I wouldn't get a mortgage because I don't earn enough and am a freelancer. While I do enjoy and appreciate my freedom, it also means I don't have the security of having an asset that you have and have spent hundreds of thousands on rent in my life. Just trying to find a way to make the best of it!

You're right, I do need to be more chill. The poster who said I have poor self esteem was right. I need to stop worrying about whether men want me and look at myself objectively....just hard to do that sometimes!

Chin up girlie! You sound like a catch! You’ll def meet someone when the time is right!

ginandtonicsky

wastedtime_33 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I know dating apps are littered with flaky types, but these days it's how almost everyone meets partners. I absolutely hate everything about them and wish to God they'd never been invented, but they were. Because of their very existence, people now don't approach each other in real life. Yes I sometimes approach men, but they seem to find it strange and think it's weird, because everyone is on the apps now. It was so ridiculously easy to meet my long term ex - we had a class together, and started as friends, and got on great and it just turned into more. It seems almost impossible to recreate that situation now. I just don't meet many single men in my age range. I work with several lovely guys, but they all have wives and partners. Lots of people told me at the time I was crazy to break up with a guy at almost 29, and that we should just make it work, and honestly, I do feel like that a lot of the time. He's married with a kid now and here I am, talking to flaky men on dating apps at 33. It's not even like I arrogantly believed I'd find someone else easily - part of the reason the relationship limped on for 2 years past its expiration was that I was so worried I wouldn't find anyone else and I didn't want to end up using apps. In the end, I just felt like I was living 'my' life - I was living his life that was all about him. I love to travel and it was like pulling teeth getting him to show any interest in going anywhere. He didn't appreciate how hard it was for me to constantly go out with his huge groups of friends (I have social anxiety), always complaining about what I didn't do but never appreciating the many, many sacrifices I made. It had just turned toxic. And here I am.

Thought it'd be an interesting exercise to highlight all the negative words and phrases and ideas from one of your posts, because it really does come across as a prominent feature of your thought patterns OP. That and a lot of anxiety, over your age and your future.

Have you ever sought professional help to deal with that? Now might be a good time to explore these issues with a therapist so you can really offload and give yourself every chance at a happy and healthy life, regardless of your relationship status. The way you're thinking now is just like a spiral of depressing ideas and paralysis by analysis and confined to a strict criteria of "I should be doing X in life" and it honestly sounds like a prison to me.

As another poster said - you're 33! I know at this age you do tend to be surrounded by couples settling down, marriage and babies, but statistically you probably aren't even at the halfway point in your life and you have plenty of time to live a full life, travel, career progress, meet someone AND settle down in the years ahead.

I broke up with my ex at 32. Yes, I did spend a fair amount of time internally panicking over "what if this was it? What if I don't get another shot at love?" but ultimately I knew the relationship was coming to the end of the road and we simply weren't compatible enough to support each other for the rest of our lives. Again leaning on statistics - I probably will meet someone, I've met and continue to meet plenty of men in that year since we broke up and I've got everything lined up in my favour - I'm a great catch for someone!

But the benefits of having spent a lot of my life single and letting myself breathe a little and settle back into single life is that...guess what...it's nothing to fear and in fact it's pretty bloody great a lot of the time. Without a doubt I am happier with a partner that I love and can build a life with, I'm hopeful and proactive about meeting that person sometime soon, but I'm not going to start destroying my life and polluting my brain with notions of not being "good enough" or being some sort of giant failure if it doesn't happen too.

It doesn't sound like you've really made peace with being single, and I think you could really benefit with focusing on the present and what you HAVE, as opposed to what you feel your life is lacking. Practise gratitude, write down three things you're grateful for every night before you go to bed. Focus on putting the best version of yourself out there to the world, the fun, outgoing, kind, smart, compassionate person that you'd like to meet.

And if you hold all these negative attitudes about online dating, I think the best path is to delete all the apps for now because feeling that way about app dating isn't going to do you any favours. Most single people don't want to be on them IME, but know that this is another big way people are meeting now so they don't give them any great thought and just add them to the mix as another possible way of meeting women / men.

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Thought it'd be an interesting exercise to highlight all the negative words and phrases and ideas from one of your posts, because it really does come across as a prominent feature of your thought patterns OP. That and a lot of anxiety, over your age and your future.

Have you ever sought professional help to deal with that? Now might be a good time to explore these issues with a therapist so you can really offload and give yourself every chance at a happy and healthy life, regardless of your relationship status. The way you're thinking now is just like a spiral of depressing ideas and paralysis by analysis and confined to a strict criteria of "I should be doing X in life" and it honestly sounds like a prison to me.

As another poster said - you're 33! I know at this age you do tend to be surrounded by couples settling down, marriage and babies, but statistically you probably aren't even at the halfway point in your life and you have plenty of time to live a full life, travel, career progress, meet someone AND settle down in the years ahead.

I broke up with my ex at 32. Yes, I did spend a fair amount of time internally panicking over "what if this was it? What if I don't get another shot at love?" but ultimately I knew the relationship was coming to the end of the road and we simply weren't compatible enough to support each other for the rest of our lives. Again leaning on statistics - I probably will meet someone, I've met and continue to meet plenty of men in that year since we broke up and I've got everything lined up in my favour - I'm a great catch for someone!

But the benefits of having spent a lot of my life single and letting myself breathe a little and settle back into single life is that...guess what...it's nothing to fear and in fact it's pretty bloody great a lot of the time. Without a doubt I am happier with a partner that I love and can build a life with, I'm hopeful and proactive about meeting that person sometime soon, but I'm not going to start destroying my life and polluting my brain with notions of not being "good enough" or being some sort of giant failure if it doesn't happen too.

It doesn't sound like you've really made peace with being single, and I think you could really benefit with focusing on the present and what you HAVE, as opposed to what you feel your life is lacking. Practise gratitude, write down three things you're grateful for every night before you go to bed. Focus on putting the best version of yourself out there to the world, the fun, outgoing, kind, smart, compassionate person that you'd like to meet.

And if you hold all these negative attitudes about online dating, I think the best path is to delete all the apps for now because feeling that way about app dating isn't going to do you any favours. Most single people don't want to be on them IME, but know that this is another big way people are meeting now so they don't give them any great thought and just add them to the mix as another possible way of meeting women / men.

Yes, I know they are negative words to use. I am feeling very low atm. A lot better now than I was a couple of months back, but still low and a bit raw. The news that my recent ex is now seeing a girl over a decade younger than me is hurtful, even though I know I shouldn't let it bother me. If it was meant to be, he'd have been there for me during my hard time, not dropped me like a hot potato because I wasn't fun, pretending he was giving me 'space' to get better while he was off shagging someone else. He's not long term partner material and definitely not father material, I know that, but it still hurts.

Yes, I was seeing a therapist for about the first half of the year. It was alright, but she probably didn't push me enough to get to the bottom of what my issues are. It was just a lot of general advice, really. Not that it wasn't helpful, but I'm not sure it tackled the right things. For example, my parents were always very negative and very harsh on me and I'm sure this has had a massive impact on my self esteem and relationships. Their relationship was horrible when I was younger, too. It's a lot better now, but when I was a child/teen, it was screaming, disrespect, stress and anger. Not a nice environment and not a good model for a loving relationship. My long term ex left me in large part because he was worried I'd turn out like my parents (which felt like a double slap in the face - growing up in an unhappy home and then feeling like I was being punished for it:(). I think I probably need to talk about more of that stuff next time. I will look for someone else to talk to.

Yes, I know I probably sound silly and negative. It's just disheartening when you know you could be a wonderful partner for someone and yet every man you meet either wants casual sex or just doesn't seem interested at all. I'm not even sure which is worse, now! It's not even that much of a shock to be single, since that last relationship was barely even a relationship (we spent so little time together), but it just feels grim to be 'looking'. And yet I feel like I do have to 'look', even a little, if I do want to meet someone, even if it's to go out and make new friends, and possibly more. I'm a natural introvert and a bit of a loner, so left to my own devices, I would barely go out and be happy with sitting on the internet and watching Netflix, which I know isn't healthy.

Good advice about appreciating what I have. I have been doing that recently and found it helpful. Have picked up meditation and mindfulness and finding it helpful, and changed my bedtime routine to spoil myself a bit and have some 'me' time.....bubble bath, candles and a book, little things like that to relax and have some time to think and reflect.

I just find the apps draining and I know a lot of people feel the same. Maybe it is just me, but everyone I've ever met off them has turned out to be a player or commitment phobe and it just gets me down. I'm not one of those people who 'enjoys' dating at all. I don't see it as a game, I don't enjoy playing games, and I really don't like the process. It just doesn't suit me, I don't think. I really need to meet people organically and then build up a genuine connection from there. So maybe I will just delete those apps and focus on meeting 'people' in general.

milli milli

OP please take the opportunity to travel and live your life. It sounds like it is something that you truly love - it was definitely something that jumped out of your post.
The older I get, the more I realize we are here to be happy and get the most of of life and truly live, but somewhere along the way, we get bogged down by how we are supposed to live by following some set route and putting pressure on ourselves to be like everyone else.

Believe in yourself, believe in your decisions, it’s your life, not someone else’s. Someone once told me if I have a decision to make, go with the one that brings the most joy (or the least anxiety). It’s quite simplistic, I suppose, but in your case it’s obvious what you should do.
Chances are you will probably meet someone when you’re traveling - you’re usually at your most relaxed & open whilst traveling.

I know what you mean about wanting to share experiences with people. Yes I agree with this, I love being in a relationship too and sharing a special bond, but I also know that I can also share experiences with myself (which sounds a bit weird, but I suppose I’m just at a stage where I see myself as a ‘best friend’ so don’t feel the experience is lost because there isn’t someone else there.)

But I think you will be ok. You’re self aware and know that you need to iron out some things. And you have things going on in your life, apart from a relationship which is very healthy - lots of people make their ‘relationship’ their hobby which just has disaster written all over it.

Have you tried volunteering? For charities but also for events like music festivals, sports events, cultural events, etc. - they’re a good way of meeting people.