When did you realise a relationship was fizzling out?

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend almost two years and need some perspective if I'm overthinking or not. We fell head over heels and were mad affectionate with each other in the beginning, I know that's the norm for the start, honeymoon phase etc. After the year we settled and calmed a bit, as in we still love each other but its not as intense as it was. I was very happy with things that way but it seems to have somewhat dwindled recently.

I went through a very hard time recently in my personal life and he was really supportive initially. I've been quite down as a result of it all and am building myself back up again. I don't know if he grew tired of my problems or if its just something else altogether, but I sense he's been quite distant emotionally in the last week or two. When I've attempted to broach it one or twice with him he's shut it down, so I feel a bit stupid then. I don't want to be an over paranoid gf.. but I think every girl listens to their gut when they feel they're being kept at arm's length.

He's always said that he's a bit less affectionate and touchy-feely than I am, and again, that's fine with me. But in the last while I've noticed he'll be affectionate on and off with me, it's very hot and cold. One weekend he constantly pulled me over to him on one day, and then kept his distance the next. I know that as a more settled couple we're not going to be going on like teenagers but I feel like I'm on eggshells a bit with it as I don't know what form he'll be in and I don't want to be overbearing, nor disinterested either.

I asked him recently was he happy and he responded something general no-fuss like "I'm happy out". He says that is but his actions are telling me otherwise. I still love him but get a real sense that he's gone off me. I'm afraid to bring any of it up again as I don't want to be the paranoid gf going on, but also am afraid of feeling like a dose on the other side if I keep trying my hardest if he's somewhat checked out of it all. Am I overthinking?

leggo

I don't think you're overthinking, but I don't necessarily think this is a relationship on its last legs either.

It seems the turning point, from your perspective, was when you went through issues and he was supporting you. Now obviously that's what a partner is supposed to do, but the way you described it just reminded of how I can be sometimes with people when they have issues. Some people can lean on you VERY heavily and perhaps don't realise the mental toll it can take on you to show that much empathy. There's a thing called 'empathy fatigue' that might be worth looking into, it's basically what it sounds like where you just get drained from constantly being leaned on by someone. I will switch off with some people and put a bit of distance otherwise I feel like I'm taking on their problems myself and getting the mental health issue. It's not necessarily a reflection of how I feel about them as a whole, it's more a protective thing as in if I give them an inch, are they going to take a mile and start going through this stuff again when I just don't have the headspace? Could that sound like it's a possibility?

Other possibilities could be that he's just settled and comfortable in the relationship and maybe taking his eye off the ball, in which case he might just need a snapping back into reality that yes, you don't have to be all over each other like teens, but there still does need to be intimacy, affection and active love within a relationship. He could also be a bit depressed or down and covering up. I know when I get a bit down, it's completely invisible to everyone unless I don't want it to be and I just seem distant. So it could be absolutely nothing to do with you and it's just as likely that it is as isn't.

Sometimes I joke with friends that the best solution for tiny issues within the friendship is to just go out and get pissed together. Let go, blow off some steam, have a great night like you used to when you first became mates and then have a laugh about it all the next day. The same can be applied to couples too. It's supposed to be fun, you know? We can forget that sometimes in the daily humdrum of it all.

If that doesn't work, sit down and chat with him. Don't let him handwave but also do it the right way: tell him how you feel and be brutally honest, don't accuse or try interpret his feelings for him, don't make it dramatic like the future of the relationship is on the line, so let him feel safe in honestly saying what's wrong and coming up with how you two figure out the next step forward with both sets of needs accommodated.

Calypso Realm

leggo wrote: »

. Some people can lean on you VERY heavily and perhaps don't realise the mental toll it can take on you to show that much empathy. There's a thing called 'empathy fatigue' that might be worth looking into, it's basically what it sounds like where you just get drained from constantly being leaned on by someone. I will switch off with some people and put a bit of distance otherwise I feel like I'm taking on their problems myself and getting the mental health issue. It's not necessarily a reflection of how I feel about them as a whole, it's more a protective thing as in if I give them an inch, are they going to take a mile and start going through this stuff again when I just don't have the headspace? Could that sound like it's a possibility?

This. My first thoughts exactly when I read your post. Not saying you're like this OP but some people are and it's something worth reflecting on. Sometimes we can expect too much of people. We are, after all responsible for our own happiness.

I have to say I can feel exactly the same as Leggo in situations like this. Recently I've been helping a friend who's (still) going through a tough time. Fair enough that's what friends do BUT after spending a whole weekend with her recently, where I was literally bombarded incessantly with statements about the whole situation, over and over AGAIN, frankly on Sunday I couldn't wait to get away from her! Throughout her whole time with me she was so obsessed, to the exclusion of all other topics with her own situation,she was totally oblivious to how (visibly) draining I found the whole experience even though she knew I was very tired after a long, hard week. Ever since then, I have to admit, I've begun distancing myself from her as I can't take hearing any more. Some people can be so draining it can be such a turn-off, so your instinct is to flee!

professore

Good answers. Would add to this that people like this tend to think no one else has any problems other than them and go on about that work colleague to someone whose best friend has just died and get offended when they get no sympathy.

Your partner is not your emotional crutch. It's OK to discuss your problems but ultimately you need to deal with your problems yourself and not constantly burden others with them.

My wife is like this, if she has a problem her natural instinct is it's the first thing she talks about in the morning and the last thing at night. I had to shut her down years ago by limiting her to once a day as it was draining me emotionally and putting me off her. Also it totally stopped me talking about any problems I had - e.g. Something that was a serious medical issue.

rob316

Sounds about normal to be honest

never_mind

Posters above are probably right but to be more blunt about it yes, things settle down. I sometimes just want to be left alone and be in my own and am very touchy feely. Sometimes he might be in a mood himself or just want some space - leave him to it. Welcome to being in an adult relationship! You can be massively in love and just sit there in silence at opposite side of the rooms flicking through the journal and farting. This is reality.