Is this a problem?

LegacyUser

So, in a very happy relationship the last 18 or so months, now living with a very kind and generous man who prioritises me and gives me lots of love and affection.

The thing is, I find myself making a lot of loving gestures which he is always genuinely appreciative and grateful for whether it be going out of my way to pick up his favourite take away or getting his favourite wine, doing his ironing etc...I find myself naturally predisposed to seeking out nice things to do for him and getting loads of genuine enjoyment from seeing his reaction and being able to make him happy.

This is all fine, but, it's not reciprocated at all....he's very verbally kind and he is very generous financially but in terms of actually going out of his way to do nice things for me.....no, he just doesn't. He actually does less house-work etc since we moved in together because he knows I'll pick up the slack.

I guess I'm starting to feel a bit underappreciated, but maybe I have no right to feel that way as he has never asked me to do the things I do for him. I guess what's bothering me is that he doesn't seem to have a natural inclination to try do things that will make me happy or just be really nice.

I haven't brought it up with him as I don't know how without sounding like a moany cow, and also, I don't even really know if he's done anything wrong, his intentions are good, I don't doubt it, he's possibly just clueless. Also, giving out to someone for a lack of gestures would 100% take away from the enjoyment of any future potential gestures anyway.

So, I guess I'm wondering if this is normal male behaviour?

He did make a lot of effort at the start, when he was trying to get me on board but that was ages ago...

seamus

It would be no harm to bring it up with him. There's an obvious argument that if you're doing nice things so that they'll be reciprocated, then you're doing them for the wrong reasons, but at the same time that doesn't mean you're not entitled to feel unappreciated.

You just need to speak to him about it. Is it normal male behaviour? Perhaps. We are certainly raised in general to be strong, silent and self-sufficient. Providing muscle and money is our role. So when we grow up, we have generally not been instilled with a sense that we should make small gestures of kindness on an ongoing basis. Help damsels in distress, help people who need boxes lifted, or a car wheel changed. Picking up a takeaway on the way home, running a bath, don't really enter our heads until after the fact. "Real men" make grand gestures, not soppy little romantic ones. And all that.

You don't have to approach this in a confrontational way, or accusatory way. That is, he's not doing anything wrong, but if he could see how small gestures can make a difference, then he might make an effort to think about it.

Men are often far more task-oriented than women are. So for example when my wife goes shopping, she'll browse around and she might spot something I like, and get it for me.

When I go shopping, I do so to complete a task. I'm going in to buy a pair of jeans, anything else is a distraction from the task at hand. It's not that I'm not thinking about her, but buying her something is not the goal of what I'm doing, so it doesn't even enter my head.

This also speaks to any issues with housework. Women typically see something that needs to be done, and do it. Men won't see it until 3 more days have passed.

But you can use his task-oriented approach to balance out the housework. Split the housework into tasks. E.g. "Whoever doesn't make the dinner, does the washing up". "Hoovering is done every Saturday, regardless of whether it needs to be done or not". "Bins are your job, bathrooms are mine".

And so forth. Having a housework system which consists of "do it whenever it's required", will invariably end up with one partner doing most of it because they both have different ideas of exactly what "required" means.

zapper55

Being in a relationship with someone that gives you loads of love and affection should be a minimum standard for any man or woman. So I don't think that's something extraordinary.

You picking up his favourite takeaway and wine, ok that's something I'd do in a relationship because I enjoy it and while I wouldnt keep track of who did what if it was incredibly uneven it's give me pause for thought.

Why on earth are you doing his ironing as well.as more than your fair share of housework? You make yourself sound like a maid or his mammy. It's not your role.

The relationship seems awful uneven. Does he do any thoughtful things for you?

Like what Seamus said I don't think a lot of this stuff occurs to guys but when they are interested, even living together, in my experience they'll continue to make an effort.

JJayoo

What do you mean by

"very generous financially"

Ghekko

You're creating a rod for your own back by doing the bulk of the housework. Stop ironing his clothes. No doubt he managed fine before you moved in. Pull back on other household chores and see if he even notices. Let laundry build up and see if he puts on a wash, leave the dishes in the sink if you usually wash up. Do this for a day or 2 and see if he does them. If not then have a chat about splitting household chores. He's getting used to you doing things now so you better nip it in the bud quickly. Sure wouldn't we all sit back and let then other half do the housework if they looked happy enough to do it!

As for buying takeaways etc it's lovely that you enjoy doing these things for him but you simply cannot expect him to be like you and return the favour. He's good to you in other ways. Buying him treats is admirable but maybe if you suggest putting a few euro away per week towards a weekend away/holiday instead you both get the benefit and will both have paid towards it.

Porklife

You sound like a martyr to be honest. You're not doing 'sweet' things because you care about him so much, you're doing it because you want him to love you more. You're doing it for accolade and reciprocation and because you're not getting that it's making you feel underappreciated and bitter.
Stop making these so called kind gestures. They're not genuine. Doing his ironing? What are you Mrs Doyle?! I'd be turned off if I was him tbh. You sound like a doormat. Get some self respect.

osarusan

Porklife wrote: »

You sound like a martyr to be honest. You're not doing 'sweet' things because you care about him so much, you're doing it because you want him to love you more. You're doing it for accolade and reciprocation and because you're not getting that it's making you feel underappreciated and bitter.
Stop making these so called kind gestures. They're not genuine. Doing his ironing? What are you Mrs Doyle?! I'd be turned off if I was him tbh. You sound like a doormat. Get some self respect.

Pretty harsh. I don't get the impression she does these things simply to get something in return.

Seems to me like doing these little things for him comes naturally to her, but the problem is that they don't come naturally to him. So even if they talk about it and he changes his ways, there will always be the doubt about whether it is naturally or not.

It's one of the endless variations of this thinking process: "I do these things because I want to make him happy, as an expression of my feelings towards him, so why doesn't he do these things for me too?" The problem is that not everybody behaves in the same way to express their feelings towards their partners.

To the OP, this might just not be the kind of person he is, and you might just have to accept that. It seems like apart from this, he is loving, affectionate, and generous in other ways...just not in this one way.

So you may have to decide just how much weight this issue carries in comparison to the rest of the relationship.

Is this something you wish was different about him? Yes.

Is it something so important that it needs to be addressed? You need to answer that to yourself.

Unanimous

You seem old fashioned and so does he.
He is generous financially and to him he is bringing something to the table.
I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he is doing more than you in the relationship just as you feel you are doing more than he is.

People have different love languages and yours is diff from his. Ask him what his is and tell him yours. Open his understanding to the fact that you are not just cleaning up after him but are doing it cos you care. You may even realise areas that he feels you are lacking. You both need to balance it out.

with my recent accommodation arrangements, I happened to share a house with a man and his wife. Lovely couple. They were having issues one time and I heard him give out to her for not having his fav jeans washed and he needed to travel.

That's what happens when you go too long with an arrangement like this in your relationship.
They become rightfully entitled to it.

Have the convo and with the outcome, cut back on some things and show love in other ways

Unanimous

Porklife wrote: »

You sound like a martyr to be honest. You're not doing 'sweet' things because you care about him so much, you're doing it because you want him to love you more. You're doing it for accolade and reciprocation and because you're not getting that it's making you feel underappreciated and bitter.
Stop making these so called kind gestures. They're not genuine. Doing his ironing? What are you Mrs Doyle?! I'd be turned off if I was him tbh. You sound like a doormat. Get some self respect.

People are different. No need to insult Her with insensitive comments that don't help.

witchgirl26

OP honestly if it makes you happy to do these gestures and you're genuinely doing them because you love the reaction and not doing them in the hope of reciprocation, then keep doing them. However if you're doing them because you hope he'll see and learn and reciprocate, then it's not really being generous at all.

I do little random things for my other half but he doesn't do them as much. It's not because he loves me less but he genuinely just doesn't think along the same lines as me so doesn't think to always do them.

If you want a few more though, you do have to bring it up to him that you'd like if he treated you with little things like your favourite chocolate bar etc sometimes. It's not being moany or doesn't mean it lessons the gesture - he just doesn't seem to have noticed.

Definitely bring up the housework if you feel you're doing more than your share of that. That's a different thing all together.

Porklife

Unanimous wrote: »

People are different. No need to insult Her with insensitive comments that don't help.

Wait a minute.... People are different?! Stop the press!! I thought everyone was the exact same!

It's my opinion that the Ops gestures are disingenuous and she's doing them for recognition and attention. That's what I think and I'm entitled to my opinion. Maybe I have helped her.

leggo

Ghekko wrote: »

You're creating a rod for your own back by doing the bulk of the housework. Stop ironing his clothes. No doubt he managed fine before you moved in. Pull back on other household chores and see if he even notices. Let laundry build up and see if he puts on a wash, leave the dishes in the sink if you usually wash up. Do this for a day or 2 and see if he does them. If not then have a chat about splitting household chores. He's getting used to you doing things now so you better nip it in the bud quickly. Sure wouldn't we all sit back and let then other half do the housework if they looked happy enough to do it!

This is a horrible way to deal with it and will only end up leading to the OP winding herself up to breaking point. She wouldn't be communicating the issue, just setting up a routine in the house then breaking it for effect, expecting him to read her mind (spoiler: he won't because that's not how life works) and deliberately setting him up for failure. It sounds great on paper (because, yay, no confrontation) but in reality it's passive aggressive, game-playing and toxic behaviour. If you're in a healthy relationship you can just talk things through. If you can't then the problem isn't who does the ironing.

ElizaBennett

It's a shame he's not doing sweet and considerate things for you as you do for him but I'd say it's entirely natural and to be expected that you would be different in this way. You're both just being yourselves.
That doesn't mean he can't improve a little and you should suggest small things you'd like just to get the ball rolling. My partner never noticed housework that needed to be done and probably still doesn't but he knows it makes me happy when he Hoovers when he's off work so he does it. If he loves you he'll want you to be happy and will do his best once you discuss it with him.

woodchuck

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tara73

seamus wrote: »

You just need to speak to him about it. Is it normal male behaviour? Perhaps. We are certainly raised in general to be strong, silent and self-sufficient. Providing muscle and money is our role. So when we grow up, we have generally not been instilled with a sense that we should make small gestures of kindness on an ongoing basis. Help damsels in distress, help people who need boxes lifted, or a car wheel changed. Picking up a takeaway on the way home, running a bath, don't really enter our heads until after the fact. "Real men" make grand gestures, not soppy little romantic ones. And all that.

so why was he able to make a lot of effort at the start? didn't really add up with your theory, i.e. leaves some bad characteristics with this man in the open. typical egoistical, selfcentered behaviour. making all the effort at the start to achieve his goal and after reaching it succumbing to being pampered and leaving all the nice actions aside.

it's difficult OP. I would hate to talk to somebody about it, means asking him to appreciate you more. I was once in a position like this and it feels really stupid to ask for it, there's something fundamentally wrong then.

Honestly, I would just stop doing and buying all this nice things for him. I would also ask him to do his fare share of housework. How come he thinks it's only your responsibility?

Arrival

zapper55 wrote: »

Being in a relationship with someone that gives you loads of love and affection should be a minimum standard for any man or woman. So I don't think that's something extraordinary.

You picking up his favourite takeaway and wine, ok that's something I'd do in a relationship because I enjoy it and while I wouldnt keep track of who did what if it was incredibly uneven it's give me pause for thought.

Why on earth are you doing his ironing as well.as more than your fair share of housework? You make yourself sound like a maid or his mammy. It's not your role.

The relationship seems awful uneven. Does he do any thoughtful things for you?

Like what Seamus said I don't think a lot of this stuff occurs to guys but when they are interested, even living together, in my experience they'll continue to make an effort.

How do you know? My last ex loved ironing and looking after both our clothes, she'd only ever allow me to help her take the things from the washing machine to hang them to dry. Maybe OP is the same, you don't know.

Dial Hard

Arrival wrote:

How do you know? My last ex loved ironing and looking after both our clothes, she'd only ever allow me to help her take the things from the washing machine to hang them to dry. Maybe OP is the same, you don't know.

Because it's just a weird dynamic. Nobody's partner should be infantilising them to the degree that they're only "allowed" to take the clothes out of the machine.

LegacyUser

Porklife wrote: »

You sound like a martyr to be honest. You're not doing 'sweet' things because you care about him so much, you're doing it because you want him to love you more. You're doing it for accolade and reciprocation and because you're not getting that it's making you feel underappreciated and bitter.
Stop making these so called kind gestures. They're not genuine. Doing his ironing? What are you Mrs Doyle?! I'd be turned off if I was him tbh. You sound like a doormat. Get some self respect.

Apologies for your diminished levels of comprehension and good luck for the future.

Thanks everyone else for your helpful feedback.

I guess I was just trying to figure out if his lack of natural inclination for romantic gestures meant he cared less than me......that was my worry. But yea, we had a chat last night and I feel better about things. The love currency thing resonates strongly with me.

He's in an extremely comfortable situation financially so he doesn't allow me pay for anything if we're out unless I manage to get to the bill before him. I do insist on paying him rent though as I want to feel like it's my home too but he accepts that under duress.

I'll continue doing lovely things for him because I get lots of enjoyment from that.

Have a lovely weekend all!

Kidchameleon

Does he own the house? Does he pay the rent? Does he contribute the most financially? I think picking up a few items and a bit of cleaning is not too much to ask. You seem to both be contributing equally in your own ways