What's my first step? Your advice is most welcome.

LegacyUser

My wife and I are 40 somethings with wonderful kids and are in love with each other but not with ourselves. We both agree that we want to fix ourselves but don't know what to do. We drink excessively every night and both smoke. We both have a range of Health issues from my wifes anxiety to my asthma, obesity, sleep apnoea, diabetes and take lots of medication etc. She minds the children full time and I work part time and am self employed, i work long days and late nights. But finances aren't good and I'm working with the mortgage company to restructure the payments as we are 6 months in arrears. My drinking is starting to effect daily life as I've had a few days being unwell recently because of it. I give out to myself each day And promise that tonight's the night I stop but it all falls apart each evening and I drink again. I want to be here for my kids in the future and we both want to get help together. Stressful situations are starting to really effect me, even the littlest things go round and round in my head and my work life is suffering by not taking opportunities or sabotaging ideas and not following through.

I would welcome any thoughts on where to start. We've talked perhaps about couples hypnosis or counselling. The worst thing is we know lots of counsellors personally but would be afraid to let them know what's really going on. Can friends be effective counsellors? Thank you for any advice you can give.

Rubberchikken

its good that you both want to change and improve things.
a sound family basis means that you support each other and with help you'll succeed.
maybe your gp is the best place to start.
friends are hood and mean well but wanting to be honest about your lives could and probably would impact on the friendships and confidentiality is important also.

start small. cut out/back the drinking. improve your diets bit by bit. exercise. even walking every day is good.
workwise rethink whats happening there.
best of luck

Hey man..getting out of the habit of drinking every evening can be difficult..would you consider going to a few AA meetings?..From your post I feel they could really help..like, you seem to be in the right mindset to try to deal with it..best of luck anyway..

Cash_Q

Fair play for acknowledging the problem and looking to change it.

The money you're spending on alcohol could probably go a long way towards your financial difficulties. If you calculate your spending on alcohol, it could shock you and could motivate you to direct the money to a more important area. I know that's easier said than done and it sounds like you've an addiction to alcohol, but even cutting back slightly could save a lot of money.

I'd avoid using the friends for counselling, you need someone impartial, and when the counselling process ends you need to have those friends to turn to. This could be hard if you feel they know all the ins and outs of your relationship and your personal problems. These friends could be worth asking for advice on accessing services. They could explain different types of therapies that you might choose from. They could also guide you towards low cost services.

Do you hold a medical card? If so you're entitled to 6 free sessions with CIPC, look them up. Unfortunately only available to medical card holdersas far as I know.

Andrea B.

Cash_Q wrote: »

Fair play for acknowledging the problem and looking to change it.

The money you're spending on alcohol could probably go a long way towards your financial difficulties. If you calculate your spending on alcohol, it could shock you and could motivate you to direct the money to a more important area. I know that's easier said than done and it sounds like you've an addiction to alcohol, but even cutting back slightly could save a lot of money.

I'd avoid using the friends for counselling, you need someone impartial, and when the counselling process ends you need to have those friends to turn to. This could be hard if you feel they know all the ins and outs of your relationship and your personal problems. These friends could be worth asking for advice on accessing services. They could explain different types of therapies that you might choose from. They could also guide you towards low cost services.

Do you hold a medical card? If so you're entitled to 6 free sessions with CIPC, look them up. Unfortunately only available to medical card holdersas far as I know.

In reply to a "first-step", to stop drinking on week nights, you need all drink removed from house, shed, car wherever.
Put a chart on wall with both your names and days of week and a tick for every day gone by.
This is assuming it is a habitual problem.
This may or may not lead to craving Friday for a binge, but cross that bridge when you come to it.
You will change because you recognise there is a problem. I think you probably have sunk to where a hangover is a normalness and that may well show itself in your workouts also.

silverharp

Is your Diabetes Type2? On the assumption it is , it is something that can be turned around with diet , article below on Tom Watson ( deputy leader of the Labour Party in the UK) , he lost 7 stone and reversed his Type 2 by following a low carb diet. If you got excited about doing this and saw results it would be motivational plus the sleep apnoea would go away (probably) and you would hopefully see that the alcohol was getting in the way of your goals and cut it out of your life. There is an interesting Penn Jillette (Penn and Teller) video on his weight loss journey, his attitude was that he was facing a much reduced expected lifespan which gave him permission to tackle his diet in a radical way. Long story short , find something that you can emotionally get behind and feel excited about. A doctor giving you a laundry list of suggestions you already know might be overwhelming and you might not get anywhere

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/12/tom-watson-lost-seven-stone-reversed-type-2-diabetes-interview

seamus

Afamilyguy wrote: »

We drink excessively every night and both smoke. We both have a range of Health issues from my wifes anxiety to my asthma, obesity, sleep apnoea, diabetes and take lots of medication etc.

As you probably know, your heavy drinking and smoking means that one of you will probably be dead before you hit 60 (and as the man, it's probably going to be you) and the other in their early 60s will be in and out of hospital with a range of issues, possibly requiring physical assistance to function in everyday life.

Or you could turn it around now and still be able to spend time socialising with your adult children and enjoying life at 65.

Your sleep apnoea, diabetes and obesity are basically one issue. Deal with your weight and the other two become less serious or go away completely.

But first and foremost, this has to be a joint effort. You both have to agree that this is going to change, or nothing will. There's no way your wife can sit there having a drink in front of the telly while you don't. Or you can get a takeaway for yourself while she has a sandwich. You need to support eachother in this to be successful.

Baby steps are also important. If you change everything overnight, you will fail. As others say, go with the drinking first. Stop drinking at home. Do not have alcohol in the house. If either of you comes home at the end of the day with alcohol in a bag, it's the duty of the other to take it and pour it down the sink. Both of you will have weak moments, the other needs to be strong at exactly those moments to stop the whole thing from crashing down.

Once you have some semblance of control over the drinking, you can move onto tackling the other issues. You will also find it easier without the consistent drinking; Alcohol is a depressive. It is making you anxious, short-tempered and low on motivation.

This all takes a long time. Don't visualise yourself next summer being a healthy weight, not smoking and only enjoying alcohol socially. That's probably unrealistic and when you get to May and you're still smoking and have "only" lost a stone, you'll get demotivated. Baby steps, small goals, realistic timelines.

Dial Hard

First step is the GP, for both of you. If you're habitual heavy drinkers you may need to do a medical detox with Librium, stopping cold turkey can be unpleasant to dangerous.

They'll also be able to advise you on the rest of your health issues. My main advice to you is not to try and do everything at once - it'll seem like an insurmountable challenge and you'll fail before you even start. Pick one thing to work on first - the drinking, say - concentrate on that, and once you have that sorted, move onto the smoking, then sort the diet, and so on, etc etc. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Best of luck.

Ghekko

Well done for admitting that you both need a bit of help to change your lifestyle. Operation Transformation will be starting on tv after Christmas. This might be a way of following a diet and getting exercise - pick a leader you can relate to and find out about local groups who may be hosting exercise classes or partaking in the 5 km weekly walks. This can help with weight loss and in turn other health issues.

The over consumption of alcohol may be more difficult. I stopped over 2 years ago, for a year initially (to see if I could) and haven't touched a drop since. It wasn't easy but got easier as time went on. You need a lot of willpower and support. With both of you giving up it would be better as you wouldn't bring alcohol into the house. My husband was supportive but still drinks at home at times. It doesn't bother me now but at the beginning it was tough.

If you would try AA it could be a great help. Link in with your gp to address the sleep apnoea, diabetes etc and get blood tests done for liver function. Speak to gp or your pharmacist about quitting smoking and to get on top of your asthma management. They are there to help.

The financial benefits of no alcohol and hopefully no smoking will be instant - this will in turn help with financial stress of the mortgage payments. Things will then start to look better all round. You'll have more energy, sleep better, be more productive at work.

Stand up for yourselves now and support one another. Your children need you both to be healthy and believe me they will notice the effects of the drinking! Do it for yourselves primarily, for each other and for your kids. Rope in family for support - don't be ashamed to tell them you need to stop drinking (maybe avoid confiding in those who you believe would not support you though). The more support you have the better. There's a non drinkers thread on boards - have a read through it and see if anything resonates. Facebook has a page called Sobermummy which may help. There are many books which may help too - 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace gets good reviews. You have taken the first step by posting here so that is a good start.

SirChenjin

Lots of good advice there OP. I'm not going to add much more except to say, you have made the very first step by posting here.

As others have said, start with one thing, kicking one habit, and probably the best one to start with is to stop the drinking.
Then start to work on the others. If you and your wife try to change everything at once, it will be very easy to become discouraged and fall back into old habits.

There are lots of resources, as has been mentioned upthread.
Keep the counselling separate from friend situations would be my advice.

Remind yourselves that you do both want to be there for your kids, as you have said.

Start small steps, start today, and best of luck.

Bobtheman

Have you been To MABS about mortgage?

Your wife needs counselling for anxiety-arrange that.

You need to moderate or eliminate drinking as its not helping. Might give impression it is-but it isnt
Try reading Two options for booze -both quite different
Moderation Management web site

https://www.moderation.org/

or Jack Vale " how to quite drinking easily" (book)

Both are different approaches than AA. AA can be quite miserable and doesnt have a high success rate. Doctors knee jerk send you to it or programmes based on it without any figures for success rate.
Write down your issues and what you are doing about them when you. get too stressed. Trust me-it works. It settles you.
An Action plan-follow it up.

LegacyUser

Andrea B. wrote: »

In reply to a "first-step", to stop drinking on week nights, you need all drink removed from house, shed, car wherever.

This, 100%. Never mind AA or the like as s first step. First step: remove all alcohol from the house, every bit. Second, avoid all places where alcohol is sold - at least until you are stronger. You're going nowhere on your current path. Nowhere. It's a form of slavery - and make no mistake about that. I was where you were in 2014. I did the above and giving up alcohol was much easier once I moved myself into a different environment. I do not miss it in the slightest now. You both need a new environment, and you both need to protect the sanctity of that environment forever more. It should be much easier together.


Have a look at that Jack Lemmon film from 1962, Days of Wine & Roses to see the sort of pernicious destruction alcohol abuse inflicts on a loving couple.