Relationship with brother in law

Maggiesm70

my sister passed away 5 years ago leaving a husband and 5 children, 19 down to 6; we were gutted and miss her terrible, i'm one of 5 sisters and all are married, i'm divorced no children, when my sister was sick i started helping out in the house, cooking, cleaning and getting children ready for school, homework, lunches, etc,etc when my sister passed away i continued on doing this.

i started staying over in their house about 2 days per week, all my sisters are married and my mother is elderly, my brother in law has only brothers and is a farmer so i took it upon myself to take over from my sister. i'm not in a relationship after been unlucky with men, i haven't dated anyone for over 6 years and i'm happy without anyone.

in the last year i've started getting very close to my brother in law he confided in me about some very personal things, he's 6 years older than me, i think we are starting to develop feelings for each other, last week he hugged me and i could tell by the way he held me there was an attraction there, we both touched each other and looked into each others eyes it was as if one of us was waiting for to make a pass

i don't know what to do, i'm thinking did my mother say something to him, does he want another wife and stability for his children with a mother figure, i've always looked on him as a brother, is this a good idea, what will the family say, what will the children say their aunt is now becoming a mother, will it destroy a good relationship

he a quite shy man, spent all his life where he now lives, i did all the partying, the holidays, the boys, maybe i need stability, do i want to be tied down after a failed marriage,

i know that if something does kick off, we will probably be married within the year, i'm not interested in the sexual side, i've done enough of it, i don't think he is either he's been without it in nearly 10 years, it will be more a platonic relationship, soulmates

i just don't know what to do i would loose my free spirit, tension is building up i can feel it its only a matter of time, then i'm worrying will he ask me to marry him, what do i say

HELP

LegacyUser

If it's platonic with no sexual undertones or advancements , then ye'll be no different to how ye are right now.
Certainly it's pointless suggesting or agreeing to marriage if he both plan on remaining celibate.

I wouldn't jeopardise my relationship with my nieces, nephews, siblings& parents. It sounds more like a relationship of convenience, borne out of mutual loneliness, then a grand love affair. Don't sell yourself short. If there's attraction but no sexual attraction, you're just best friends.

lulu1

Do you know for sure what his interests are Could be he has other ideas

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry but this all reads like the plot of one of those Mills & Boon "Marriage of Convenience" novels. Looking at this from the outside, it reads like a car crash about to happen. Your post is full of assumptions, conjecture and fantasy. You're playing with fire here and if you've any sense at all, you should be stepping back from it before anything happens. This is especially pertinent because you're dealing with your own nieces and nephews here. Don't drag them into this.

seamus

This situation is not unusual. And it's not unusual for a new relationship to form in exactly these circumstances; you and your sister were raised in the same household, therefore it's likely that what your sister found attractive in this man, will attract you too.

I agree with Ursus though. You're making an awful lot of assumptions about what other people want. And adopting a "wait and see" approach is dangerous, because this is not a typical scenario of blossoming love. You could realise you "have feelings" for eachother, and within a week one of the kids will see it too, and then you're in serious trouble.

My mother's situation was similar to yours; mother died young, aunt moved in and married her father. With one major exception; her aunt moved in to help, and due to social norms basically had to marry my grandfather or face the wrath of the parish priest.

That doesn't apply here. You have no need to get married, and if you have no interest in a romantic relationship, you have no reason to get married.

You probably need to stop dancing around this and waiting to see what will happen. You need to find a quiet hour to sit down with him and talk. In particular your assertion that he has no interest in sex because he's gone without for 10 years is probably way off. Lay it out honestly; you've found yourself really close to him, you love spending time with him, but like a brother. You acknowledge how easy it is for the heart to get confused by platonic love for a member of the opposite sex, so you just want to lay it out on the table right now, so there are no awkward moments in the future.

3DataModem

Maggiesm70 wrote: »

i think we are starting to develop feelings for each other,

Tread carefully, but remember you are both entitled to happiness and don't always have to put other people's happiness before your own. You are allowed to try and fine love and to maybe fail, just like everyone else. Good luck.

SusieBlue

I wouldn't touch this situation with a barge pole. Its not worth the ructions and upset it will cause.

You don't even really have feelings for this man, you said it would be more companionship than a relationship with any sexual chemistry, so why take the risk of potentially splitting up your whole family for a half marriage to a man you don't feel any spark with?

There is a lot at stake here and it might be worth it if you were head over heels for each other, but you don't even want a sexual relationship with him. Just don't go there.

wiggle16

It sounds like the only reason you are considering this is because you are both in a bit of a bubble and in one another's company so much. Maybe I'm wrong but I get the impression you are both living quite isolated lives. You haven't even spoken about it and you're talking about getting married. But you're not actually attracted to him - seems more like you are motivated by loneliness. That's not a stable foundation for a relationship that is going to be put under strain by your entire family when they find out.

You really need to think about what you actually want here.

Kenny B

If you plan staying around, go for it, if you don't back away a bit,

You've made a connection without the physical aspect, got to know them well and describe it as soulmates,

Give it a lash I say.

Dial Hard

I think this is a terrible idea, for so many reasons. But mainly because of how unbelievably weird it would be for the kids. "Hi Aunt Mom!", to quote Modern Family.

I think you need to back off and let the man do his own bloody housekeeping. We're not in the 50s here, why can't he do his own cooking and cleaning???

eviltwin

It's a terrible idea with the potential to hurt people who have been already badly hurt. It might be worth it, maybe, if you were genuinely in love with each other but your not so why go there?

You sound like a great aunt and sister in law but that should be it. It's not your job to step in and replace your sister or save this family. It's not his job to save you from bad relationships and provide you with a ready made family.

Do you not think you're doing a bit too much as is? It's great that you want to help but is it healthy to take over that role by moving in two days a week?

SirChenjin

eviltwin wrote: »

It's a terrible idea with the potential to hurt people who have been already badly hurt. It might be worth it, maybe, if you were genuinely in love with each other but your not so why go there?

You sound like a great aunt and sister in law but that should be it. It's not your job to step in and replace your sister or save this family. It's not his job to save you from bad relationships and provide you with a ready made family.

Do you not think you're doing a bit too much as is? It's great that you want to help but is it healthy to take over that role by moving in two days a week?

Agree with eviltwin.

I know of a situation where similar has happened, ie a sister marrying her widowed BIL. It does happen.

But your post suggests nothing at all about love, and is full of suppositions. Step back would be my advice.

amdublin

I think if you fell in love then fine. This does not sound like that scenario.


I beseech you. Do not proceed to a relationship without sexual chemistry.

Purple Mountain

amdublin wrote: »

I think if you fell in love then fine. This does not sound like that scenario.


I beseech you. Do not proceed to a relationship without sexual chemistry.

Yes even using a phrase about losing your free spirit suggests polar opposites in regard to what kind of relationship it would be.
Sounds like a brother/sister one not lovers.

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder is she planning for them to have twin beds like The Flintstones and every 50s sitcom?

December2012

What this has shown is that you are looking for a connection.

But not settle for your BIL. Take the bull by the horns, be in charge of your own happiness and go look for it elsewhere.

He has had 5 years of your support time to step back and let him look.after himself and his children now and stop relying on you

C3PO

To be honest I think most of the posters in this thread are being idealistic and a bit naïve - many, many happy marriages in Ireland are based on this sort of deep platonic friendship! If the alternative is single loneliness for both parties (which it seems to be) why should they not seek companionship with each other? Don't see why the children and family would be offended either as long as it was handled delicately!

SusieBlue

C3PO wrote: »

To be honest I think most of the posters in this thread are being idealistic and a bit naïve - many, many happy marriages in Ireland are based on this sort of deep platonic friendship! If the alternative is single loneliness for both parties (which it seems to be) why should they not seek companionship with each other? Don't see why the children and family would be offended either as long as it was handled delicately!

Platonic, companionship marriages are of course acceptable and can be extremely fulfilling, if its what both people want.
But the added dynamic of the man in question being OPs deceased sisters husband further complicates the matter.

OP isn't even sure what her BiL wants, and is just supposing. He may want a sexual relationship with her.
However, if both of them are just after companionship, they can continue as they are now without getting married. There would be no need at all.

But OP needs to be prepared to lose members of her family over this.
In particular it could be extremely damaging to her relationship with her nephews and nieces, and she stands to lose a LOT for what is essentially a friendship contract.

As I said before, these sacrifices might be worth it for a chance to be with the love of your life. But anything less than that is just causing unnecessary drama and hurt to people who have already gone through more than enough trauma in their lives.

I think you are grossly underestimating the impact such a thing could cause to an already grieving extended family.

Ghekko

You had a moment where you hugged each other - do you think there could be any chance of sexual attraction? You cannot assume that he is happy to go without just because he's been celibate for a few years. He may be longing for a physical relationship. If you are not interested in one with him, then make sure he knows that if and when a conversation comes up about being together. Don't deny yourself the chance to have it all - love, companionship and a physical relationship - with someone, even if it's not with your BIL.

banoffe2

Enjoy the moment and thread carefully.
Looks like this man has huge respect and appreciation for you and the value he and the kids have on you. If he is a shy as you suggest it may have taken him great courage to give you the hug. I wouldn't read too much into it, sounds as if he and the kids are very fond of you and its great that you all have each other to keep some sense of stability since the loss of your dear sister
Take it easy and the best of luck to all of you X

suicide_circus

seamus wrote: »

In particular your assertion that he has no interest in sex because he's gone without for 10 years is probably way off.

This.

He has 5 kids. This is not a man who is indifferent to the physical side of a relationship.

Maggiesm70

thank you all for your wonderful replies

i think it is right to thread carefully, it may just be a marriage of convenience situation, if things do not work out it will make a massive mess and i would be trapped