To move in together or not?

MUFC91CS

A situation has come up where I have to leave the property I have been living in for shortly after Christmas. I'am stressing out because for the past while my girlfriend has been saying that she wants to move out of where she is living and I feel she will take it very personally if i opt to look for somewhere else and move in with complete strangers instead. The thing is I' am really unsure if I' am ready to move in with her or not. I think she would be delighted to move in with me if asked but i don't think she'd be expecting it if the situation hadn't presented itself the way it has.

We haven't been together a ridiculously long time, about 7 months, but I do have strong feelings for her. Another thing that complicates issues is the fact that I live abroad and she is not Irish either. I don't envision myself staying in my current location forever and it is not feasible to move to where she is from. I have no idea if she would be willing to live in Ireland down the line. I feel this would be incredibly forward to even ask given how early it is in the relationship.

Am I over thinking things or are these the kind of conversations that need to be had before deciding to move in together? Would it be wise to gamble on living together with such uncertainty or potentially derail the relationship altogether by choosing not to live with her?

tara73

your not overthinking at all, you sound very level headed not to rush into moving in together. you are only 7 month together, that's nothing. as said, it's pretty natural and mature you don't feel ready to move in with her.

Why not tell her as it is if she asks. say you really like her but you think 7 month is not that long to take a big step and move in together. at least that's how you feel and that's all that matters. if she can't accept that, it tells you something about her..

tcif

7 months is still early days and if you're "really unsure" about moving in together then it sounds like you're not ready, which in my opinion is very understandable after such a short time together. Moving in together is a step to take when both people are ready and think the time is right, not just because of a change in accommodation or because one person feels pressured the other will take it personally. Hopefully your girlfriend will understand but if not, just explain to her that as much as you care about her, you're not ready for that next step yet and don't want to put what you have together at risk by moving too quickly.

witchgirl26

My OH moved in with me after about 8 months as his rented house was being sold. That said, we were both quite happy about the situation and yes, might not have lived together as soon if it hadn't happened that way. So I wouldn't solely judge it on the length of time you're together. However if you're really unsure about it, then maybe it's not the right thing for you to do. Just because she's been saying she wants to move out of her place doesn't mean she's hinting at moving in together.

Have a chat to your girlfriend. Tell her that you're just not at the stage where you're ready to move in together yet.

sbsquarepants

I'm going to go against the grain here OP, sometimes life gives you little nudges.

Go for it, what's the worst thing that could happen?

amdublin

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here OP, sometimes life gives you little nudges.

Go for it, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Yeah seeing this as a "nudge" at just 7 months does not sound sensible to me

The worst is they have an awful time, a horrendous breakup and one of them has to find a new place to live.

What's the rush! 7 months!!!

sbsquarepants

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah seeing this as a "nudge" at just 7 months does not sound sensible to me

The worst is they have an awful time, a horrendous breakup and one of them has to find a new place to live.

What's the rush! 7 months!!!

There's no rush, just circumstance has thrown up a situation that wouldn't necessarily have arisen by itself. She likes him, he likes her - what more is there to it at the end of the day?

It will either work out or it won't. It's not like either of them are going to be fundamentally different people in another 6 months or a year. It would either work or it wouldn't then too.

It is a risk, but then again so is trying peanuts for the first time!

zoobizoo

Move in together because you really want to, not because of circumstances.


You both retain independence

You continue to get to know each other

It's a lot easier to split up should you want to

Labcoats and Running Shoes

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here OP, sometimes life gives you little nudges.

Go for it, what's the worst thing that could happen?

I wouldn’t do this OP. I had been with an ex for a few months when her housemate moved out. At that point we were spending nearly every night together and I though “I’m not jumping at this, but economically it makes sense and she really wants to”. It was a complete cluster fck. We ended up having a horrible break up about a month or so after I moved in. I was staying on friends couches for the guts of a month trying to find somewhere to live and it was literally one of the worst times of my life. So I’d say, there’s no rush! If you’re not feeling comfortable or jumping at the chance of moving in together, then DON’T RUSH!

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

I should have taken my own advice here but don’t do it OP. Enjoy the time spent together and apart. Moving in so soon can cause more hassle than it’s worth. Now in saying that, it could work and happy days but from experience and I’ve heard others experience (and I ignored). I previously moved into an ex’s house, or ex fiancé should I say and it went from bad, to terrible to extremely horrible. He wasn’t a nice person over all but looking back now, I should of gone with gut instinct and listened to myself when I said it wasn’t the right time. Although I truly believed that if I moved in then everything would be perfect. But no. Don’t do it. When explained to your partner clearly, they will understand completely. It’s all fun and games at the start then things start to get serious and then the little things start to get bigger

LolaJJ

Honestly - Tell her you care about her and the relationship alot, to the extent that you don't want to put that much pressure on things too soon and risk messing things up.

People should move in together for love, not convenience...

LegacyUser

I think you'll find out if the relationship will work or not pretty quickly when you move in. Ppl that say it ruined the relationship or they jumped too quick..would an extra 6mths living separately really have made their partner more compatible? I don't think so, I think even had they waited that 1,2,3 yrs or whatever as soon as they moved in, they'd be broke up after a few months..but this time, having wasted that extra year or two.

sbsquarepants

Realityhits2 wrote: »

I think you'll find out if the relationship will work or not pretty quickly when you move in. Ppl that say it ruined the relationship or they jumped too quick..would an extra 6mths living separately really have made their partner more compatible? I don't think so, I think even had they waited that 1,2,3 yrs or whatever as soon as they moved in, they'd be broke up after a few months..but this time, having wasted that extra year or two.

That's pretty much the way I see it. It's not like she's going to be a substantially different person next year or the year after.

woodchuck

Realityhits2 wrote: »

I think you'll find out if the relationship will work or not pretty quickly when you move in. Ppl that say it ruined the relationship or they jumped too quick..would an extra 6mths living separately really have made their partner more compatible? I don't think so, I think even had they waited that 1,2,3 yrs or whatever as soon as they moved in, they'd be broke up after a few months..but this time, having wasted that extra year or two.

I think it can be worth waiting an extra 6 months or a year though to make sure you're confident in the decision. While the person isn't going to magically become more or less compatible, you do continue to get to know them better and realise just how compatible you are (or aren't!). A breakup after moving in together is pretty traumatic, so I don't think there is any harm giving it a little extra time to make sure you're ready for that step.

Also, when you move in together things become more "real". E.g the day-to-day things of who's going to take out the rubbish, doing the weekly shop etc. Why not just take the time to enjoy the earlier stages of the relationship before all that sets in?

MUFC91CS

Thanks everyone. Talked to her and it turns out she wasn't remotely expecting me to ask her. Just me overthinking and complicating things.

Going to try and spend more nights together during the week.