Breaking Point?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am with my partner for 3 years and we are engaged.
When we met he was like no-one else I had met before, so interesting and attentive and supportive.

He continues to be like this publicly but behind closed doors it is a different story. This has gradually unfolded and is not standard. He hardly responds when I speak to him and has a horrible habit of just playing a video on youtube or facebook while I am talking, and frequently tells me how disappointing I am as a partner (ie - when he proposed, my reaction wasn't exactly as he had hoped so the moment was ruined for him). When I give him any kind of feedback such as asking him to help around the house, he says he is too tired. Eg- the plumber was calling on Saturday and he said he couldn't let him in because he was drained from supporting me so much lately (I have been unwell and in hospital as a day patient for a minor procedure).

He had a difficult upbringing but constantly references this as if it is some kind of blank cheque that allows him do as he pleases. I have had my difficulties also and I would be very empathetic towards anyone going through personal issues/confronting their past etc but he doesn't same to be able to move on from things.
He complains when I ever want to go out or do something and has taken to totting up items like transactions (eg-I don't want to do anything this weekend because we went to the park last weekend for you).
He sees a therapist every second week but I feel like he is not being honest with the therapist at all.

He is very reactive and once threatened to throw our oil heater out of the window and I hid from him. He has also punched the wardrobe and pillows etc. He accuses me of playing this up but I have been genuinely terrified a few times. We have had terrible rows. He doesn't seem to be able to manage his emotions when they are in anyway heated. For example, even in work, when something has annoyed him he cannot let it lie, he always has to confront the person/issue head on. I would be direct enough and address things/keep the air clear in my work and relationships but I have gotten to the stage where I find myself modifying things all the time to save myself from his reactive stress and anger.

He also told me recently that I am not sexual enough for him and he would like to have sex twice a day every day but instead he watched porn twice a day every day. When we first met we discussed porn as I don't agree with the porn industry and feel it is exploitative and he said he did not use it but he had looked at it before. He threw this at me as a criticism saying I wasn't sexually enough for him and that I made him resort to porn. I recently had a coil inserted which semi-perforated my womb so no I have not been as up for it as normal but that was not about him more about me being in constant pain. If I ever do not want to be sexual that is a big rejection and I am heartless for inflicting that on him.

On Saturday we had a big row and I don't know why but I suddenly realised I would never be equally important to his desire to express his feelings. I packed a bag, took off my ring and headed to stay with my parents.
Today I went through my diary and made a kind of list of all the rows we have had and all of the events he has ruined for me (me being promoted, holidays, me graduating from a course, me being well again, seeing friends, cancelling plans to go out).

Why has it taken me so long to see this? Why have I accepted this?
I feel like I have an enormous task ahead of me with dismantling our life and starting again. I am not 30 yet so I feel optimistic I can create a good life for myself but I feel the time ahead is going to be horrible.
We had attended 2 sessions of couples therapy and he has asked me to attend again this week so we can make a 'mature' decision. I feel he is going to take the opportunity to verbally eviscerate me in front of someone neutral so he can feel he is 'winning' and then badmouth me to everyone in his life.
I feel so angry with myself. I don't think he is fully abusive in terms of controlling me financially/being violent towards me regularly but I feel that my sense of self is completely diminished and I have lost myself.

Any tips from anyone who has done something similar/managed a broken engagement/what to say to people/how not to be afraid to be on my own etc?
I feel like we have a lot of friends in common and they will all find this shocking because outwardly we are good together. Telling my mum and a friend some of the things that have happened they are shocked and keep saying they had no idea. I feel really embarrassed and foolish.
I feel like I know not to go back to him but I need some support. I don't want to be telling everyone all of our sordid business but I feel like I am really struggling, I feel heartbroken. I miss who he was at the start and I feel he has ruined some parts of my life - played with me emotionally with the engagement and wedding and just really hurt me.

wiggle16

MixedUpMess wrote: »

He had a difficult upbringing but constantly references this as if it is some kind of blank cheque that allows him do as he pleases.

He sees a therapist every second week but I feel like he is not being honest with the therapist at all.

Why has it taken me so long to see this? Why have I accepted this?
I feel like I have an enormous task ahead of me with dismantling our life and starting again. I am not 30 yet so I feel optimistic I can create a good life for myself but I feel the time ahead is going to be horrible.
We had attended 2 sessions of couples therapy and he has asked me to attend again this week so we can make a 'mature' decision. I feel he is going to take the opportunity to verbally eviscerate me in front of someone neutral so he can feel he is 'winning' and then badmouth me to everyone in his life.
I feel so angry with myself.

You should not feel embarrassed or foolish. At all. See how everyone is shocked at the person he is behind closed doors? See how all your friends will find it unbelievable? They're not foolish either. He is someone who consciously puts on one front out in public and has a difference face behind closed doors. He has hoodwinked everyone, not just you. You don't have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. This is not a reflection on you. You know that.

OP I wouldn't see any point in going to further counselling with him. He's not going to change. The person he "turned into" is the person he really is. There's no changing that. This is all about his ego, nothing else. All you are doing is counselling him: going to counselling together is just affirming to him that you of course are the problem, and he will just make you feel small in front of someone else to boost his own self-esteem and wear yours down. He's an abusive, windy bully.

I don't think he is fully abusive in terms of controlling me financially/being violent towards me regularly but I feel that my sense of self is completely diminished and I have lost myself.

People don't have to be violent to be abusive and they don't have to control the money to be abusive. Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse. In some ways it's almost worse because it's so insidious and it traps you in with it - if someone hits you, you know that they are in the wrong; if someone tells you you are not sexual enough for them, part of you wonders if they are right. It chips away at you.

You aren't even 30 yet, you are not married to this d*ck, you don't have kids with him. You are having a lucky escape! You should break and run now and don't look back. I'm sorry this happened to you but you need to get away from this pathetic excuse for a man for good. Leaving was the best thing you could possibly do, I would stop engaging with him entirely.

Take care OP x

punisher5112

Run and never look back.....

cannotlogin

You're free and never have to go back.

Don't. Cut all contact.

Tell one or two confidents why you left so they can talk sense into yoy if for any reason you start to waive.

Don't bother with counselling - that's only for people who have something worth saving.

Ghekko

Congratulations on realising that this was an abusive relationship - no physical violence needed. He was aggressive and emotionally abusive and that is plenty! You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If anyone badgers you for reasons you left I would simply say things were not working out for you. Elaborate to those who matter and can support you if you feel you want to. I agree, no more counselling. He needs counselling but let him off and sort himself out. It's nothing to do with you anymore. If you have stuff to collect make sure you bring someone (or a few people) with you. Get in, get your stuff and get out without engaging if possible. I only hope you don't have a mortgage together. But even if you do get legal advice to sort things out. You have really dodged a bullet so be grateful that you realised it in time.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the others - don't even think about going to that counselling session. Couples counselling is for people who want to save their relationship. It's telling that you feel he'd use the session to verbally eviscerate you. He wouldn't dare do that to his friends or his boss I bet - so why would it be OK for him to do it to his life partner? The person he supposedly cares about the most.

I'm delighted to see that the scales have fallen from your eyes in time. I felt sad and angry as I read down through your post. At least you've only given him 3 years of your life. Please don't relent and waste more of your life with this man. He has shown that he's well able to turn on the charm when he wants to. I'm sure he'll be doing that to reel you back in, before reverting to his old ways.

I think you should stick that list of things he has ruined somewhere that you can read it again and again. Put it into your purse or take a photo of it and keep it on your phone. I've no doubt you will panic, wonder have you made the right decision and wish you were back with him again. Now is the time to stay strong and make sure you stay gone. Instead of going to couples counselling, you probably could do with talking to someone yourself.

Perhaps in the short term, giving Women's Aid a call wouldn't be a bad idea. You're not the first woman who has fallen for a tosspot like this man and they'll understand what happened in a way most of us can't. No woman starts out thinking they'd like to meet a man who'll frighten them, verbally abuse them or hit them. It often creeps up gradually on them. If you were handed that list of things he had done to you on the day you first met him, would you have embarked on a relationship with him? For some reason, the frog in boiling water analogy sprang to mind. This blog post is worth a read if you have time.

nikkibikki

Assuming you stay broken up (please don't go back to him) it's nobodies business why you broke up. Tell who you want and tell everyone else it's private.

You don't have to go to that session to make a decision. You can make it yourself. Without him. If you do go, I would advise that you print off what you've written here for the therapist, and add in anything not included. If he's just ranting at the session, hand the print out to the therapist and ask them to read it.

It sounds as if you have decided that this is over. I really hope you have. It will not get better. Only worse. A house devil and street angel my granny used to call those kind of people. Dangerous people.

Sephiroth_dude

You are well rid, do not go back to this person, sounds like wreck head!

okiss

There are so many warning signs with him - always willing to fight over the smallest thing and your affraid to mention anything to him as you don't want him to kick off. He acts like the world s greatest boyfriend and your friends think he is wonderful but behind close doors he is putting you down and making little of you.
He is complaining about you meeting friends and in time you could find that your losing contact with friends as your trying to keep him happy. The only way he will be happy is controlling you and in the process end up making your life a missery. The fact is that he is hitting the pillows and the wall suggests that in time he might not be able to keep his anger in check so he could hit you sometime.

Your lucky to have realised what he is like. You have given him several chances to change but nothing is changing. At this stage I would end things with him. Block his phone number and block him on social media. I would be honest with a few close friends and tell them what he is like as they will help you. Write down what he did and said in the past as he may come back promising to change and put on a charm offensive but the reality is that nothing is going to change on his part.
Just be thankful that you did not marry or have children with him.

Even if you have a mortgage with him it can be sorted out if you end things with him. Even if you have paid money toward a wedding venue this can be sorted out also. Don't worry about what people think when they hear things have ended between you as you and your close friends/family will know the truth.
I had a friend who ended a relationship a few weeks before she was due to get married due to a number of things she noticed like you. It was the best thing she ever did as she went on to meet a decent, kind man who she is now married to and had the family they both wanted.

igCorcaigh

Not right, and you should not put up with this.

Im sorry to say, but you have to leave.

People like this do not change. Believe me, been there done that.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.

We don't have a mortgage together, just a lease and a joint bank account. I have elements of our wedding organised but I think I can cancel these without major loss. He is certainly not someone I would feel safe legally attaching myself to at the moment.

I am financially ok with the support of my parents. I have a nice job, albeit not permanent.

I have this feeling of owing him something. What if he is in real distress and having a mental breakdown and genuinely unable to see the wood for the trees? Or is that just me being manipulated? All very confusing.
I probably seem really stupid and uncertain where it is obvious to outsiders that I have to leave him. I have put so much into this that it feels like an overwhelming loss. Is that silly? I have loved him.
But reading that link about the frog in hot water and some of the other posts I can see his behaviour leaping off the page. Not everything mind you but a lot of elements.
He has called me abusive before and also accused me of being controlling and speaking to my mum she said that it sounds like he accuses me of his behaviours. I have this feeling of guilt still, what if I am also abusive?
I do see a therapist myself, I have had some difficulty with depression myself but the last month's have just been about how to cope with him in my sessions rather than working on me.

Whatever happens I cannot be living with him at the moment. I feel like I am saying things like at the moment to lessen the blow to me.
Trying to focus on everyday now to keep turning up to work and things. Finding it very hard to eat and feeling a lot of anxiety at odd times.

Neyite

MixedUpMess wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.
We don't have a mortgage together, just a lease and a joint bank account. I have elements of our wedding organised but I think I can cancel these without major loss. He is certainly not someone I would feel safe legally attaching myself to at the moment.

I am financially ok with the support of my parents. I have a nice job, albeit not permanent.

Brilliant - then you can just pack up and leave. FWIW, my abusive ex refused to close the joint account. When we set it up we added a rule where we both had to sign for it. We've 40e in it for nearly 20 years now :rolleyes: Meh. Best money I ever spent.

wrote:

I have this feeling of owing him something. What if he is in real distress and having a mental breakdown and genuinely unable to see the wood for the trees? Or is that just me being manipulated? All very confusing.

It's you being manipulated. There are some elements where he may not realise what he's doing or why - a lot of it is learned behaviour from an abusive parent. But it doens't matter because you have no obligation to damage yourself in order for him to potentially, maybe, probably never, change.

wrote:

I probably seem really stupid and uncertain where it is obvious to outsiders that I have to leave him. I have put so much into this that it feels like an overwhelming loss. Is that silly? I have loved him.
But reading that link about the frog in hot water and some of the other posts I can see his behaviour leaping off the page. Not everything mind you but a lot of elements.

Of course you will grieve the relationship. That's natural. Beware of the sunken costs fallacy though. You tried your best with him and you can walk away knowing that and feeling sad that it didn't work out and still know it's for the best.

wrote:

He has called me abusive before and also accused me of being controlling and speaking to my mum she said that it sounds like he accuses me of his behaviours. I have this feeling of guilt still, what if I am also abusive?

My ex accused me of all of the above. I'd never been abusive in all previous relationships, nor since, but he had me convinced that somehow I was. Part of the abuse is about goading you and prodding you until you flare up and react so that they can accuse you of that behaviour. Google Transference and see this for what it really is.

wrote:

I do see a therapist myself, I have had some difficulty with depression myself but the last month's have just been about how to cope with him in my sessions rather than working on me.

Very often when we remove ourselves from difficult or stressful situations we find that our own mental health improves no end. Women's Aid do not recommend joint counselling with an abuser for the reasons you mention - you open up emotionally in a session and they twist it all and then use what was said in the session as further 'evidence' against you. At only three years in and planning a wedding you should be sickeningly in love, not attending marriage counselling. That's not what a healthy relationship looks like

wrote:

Whatever happens I cannot be living with him at the moment. I feel like I am saying things like at the moment to lessen the blow to me.
Trying to focus on everyday now to keep turning up to work and things. Finding it very hard to eat and feeling a lot of anxiety at odd times.

My appetite when to sh!t during that time too -smoothies are your friend. I also had to get signed off work for a while. It's worth having a chat with someone in Womens Aid because quite often the abuse can take a different form if he thinks you are pulling away or trying to free yourself from the relationship. My advice would be to plan everything without him knowing and then just pack up and leave in a clean break while he's at work. Any other way will be very upsetting and stressful for you. The very best of luck to you. It's way brighter on the other side.

Porklife

MixedUpMess wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

We don't have a mortgage together, just a lease and a joint bank account. I have elements of our wedding organised but I think I can cancel these without major loss. He is certainly not someone I would feel safe legally attaching myself to at the moment.

I am financially ok with the support of my parents. I have a nice job, albeit not permanent.

I have this feeling of owing him something. What if he is in real distress and having a mental breakdown and genuinely unable to see the wood for the trees? Or is that just me being manipulated? All very confusing.
I probably seem really stupid and uncertain where it is obvious to outsiders that I have to leave him. I have put so much into this that it feels like an overwhelming loss. Is that silly? I have loved him.
But reading that link about the frog in hot water and some of the other posts I can see his behaviour leaping off the page. Not everything mind you but a lot of elements.
He has called me abusive before and also accused me of being controlling and speaking to my mum she said that it sounds like he accuses me of his behaviours. I have this feeling of guilt still, what if I am also abusive?
I do see a therapist myself, I have had some difficulty with depression myself but the last month's have just been about how to cope with him in my sessions rather than working on me.

Whatever happens I cannot be living with him at the moment. I feel like I am saying things like at the moment to lessen the blow to me.
Trying to focus on everyday now to keep turning up to work and things. Finding it very hard to eat and feeling a lot of anxiety at odd times.

Op, I could have written your post right down to the cancelling the wedding part. Walking away was the best thing I have ever done. My ex was exactly as you've described and it almost destroyed me until one night I had enough and I packed my bags in the middle of the night and went to a hotel.

It was really hard for a while but I knew with time I'd heal and my life would be better and lo and behold it is! My ex would punch walls, pull the duvet off me while I was sleeping, drag me out of bed by the hair or ankles, kick holes in doors, tell me to shut up if I spoke about my dad who had just tragically died (that was the night I walked, my dad had died a few weeks earlier and he told me to 'stop banging on about it'). He tried to isolate me from all my friends, called me abusive, called me a ****, told me he hated my tattoos and if I got another one he'd leave, banned me from wearing certain clothes. The list goes on.

For the first few months however, he was so charming and funny and I was really happy to have found him. The abuse and horror I've written above insipidly crept up on me. Deep down I knew he was a psychopath but for reasons I can't explain I stuck around. I'm telling you Op, leave him. If alarm bells ring you have to listen to them. Please trust me on this. Things will only get worse. Punching pillows is how it starts. I ended up with a punched face. Please don't let that be you. My ex also told me I was the abusive one, not him. It's insane. Do yourself a big favour and leave. You're really young and you'll meet the man of your dreams who you will never have to write a post about or seek councilling over.

TheBoyConor

cannotlogin wrote: »

You're free and never have to go back.

Don't. Cut all contact.

Tell one or two confidents why you left so they can talk sense into yoy if for any reason you start to waive.

Don't bother with counselling - that's only for people who have something worth saving.

I fully agree with the last line there. I would extend it to say that I think it is ridiculous for couples who are not yet married to engage in counselling. A bf and gf going to counselling is just, imo, an indication of their unwillingness to face up tot he fact that they are not suited and should just break up. If it clearly isn't working before marriage then there is nothing to save. Cut loose and move on.

And OP, you should absolutely dump him on the spot. He is an abusive head wrecker and you would be in for a life of misery, manipulation and abuse if you marry him.

Explain to him that is is over, you've your mind made up and you're not changing it. Have another person with you or waiting outside if you are in fear. If that's not possible then do it over the phone.

Then block and delete him from everything and block and delete all his family and closest friends in case he tries to use them as "flying monkeys" to talk you into coming back.

You are still in your 20s. Go off and enjoy yourself. You're far too young to be getting wrapped up in troubled relationships and counselors. Talk of counselors is is way off the wall unless you have children, a marriage or a mortgage - you have no serious ties so if it isn't for you you have the luxury of being able to simply dump and cut him loose like a bad boyfriend.

Curry Addict

He has a lot of narcissistic traits. Breaking up will be a lot easier than you think and surprisingly will be a big relief. He deceived you initially and you gave him a shot at a relationship. You now know the real him and discovered you are not compatible. You own him nothing. He will want to create fallout so disconnect fully to spare yourself from any further drama.