Dating at 40

CALI

I don’t mean to rehash the same stories of being a single woman and online dating in Ireland. I’m trying to come from another angle.
I haven’t been very lucky in my love life-I didn’t have a lot of self esteem and never felt good enough for a relationship. However in the last four or five years I’ve worked on this and have gone on lots of dates, some “relationships” lasting a couple of months but nothing significant.
I turned 40 recently. I don’t look my age-everyone says it. I’m told I’m pretty and I’m in shape etc. I own my own house, good job and no what you would call baggage. How we it seems since I turned 40 men are turned right off! I don’t get half as many messages online and without being rude the quality of men messaging has gone down.
I know 40 probably is pushing it, I know kids aren’t as likely but I feel a bit like I am washed up now on the dating scene. In my head I’m 25 and I’m so young at heart. But do men not want to give a chance to someone based on their age? I guess I know the answers people will come back with but I’m just feeling a bit low about it all as it’s taken me so long to gain the confidence to date and now it seems like I’m too late. It just makes me sad that I’ve never known intimate love.

Rubberchikken

its definitely not too late.
have you tried a matchmaking company. dont laugh:) it does sound like something from the 50s but they would be able to take your details and match them with suitable dates.
you could join a local group - sport, drama, volunteer, if theres something suitable in your area.

good luck

leggo

I personally know loads of people who've met the love of their lives in their 40's. And that's not just "know of"...no, people I actually know, it's really common like. And, you know what, in seeing all of them it's a great time to meet someone! Yeah kids might be off the table and that can be tough, but also yeah there's obvious positives too like your situation: owning your own home, so likely financially secure, so options to do a lot of cool stuff etc, you know yourself and are comfortable in your skin, less likely to be inclined towards drama than younger people, the list goes on.

The thing everyone I know who met someone at that age has in common was that they were all active, didn't see themselves as their age and just lived their best lives regardless of having someone or not. Then the perfect person just walked into their lives however they do that, which is kinda how it all happens isn't it? You sound like one of these kind of people. You've a lot to offer so know that and I guess the only advice I can give is to not get stuck in a rut and feel down on yourself. That's the only instance I can see your age working against you, because these ruts can take away some of the best years of your life if you let them. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let online dating break your spirit (it's tough for everyone to meet someone perfect for them regardless of age). It'll happen if you want it to and don't give up.

Xterminator

Hi Op

my dad found love again at 60 & remarried. Its never too late.

I think it can be expectations and being to used to your own comforts that can be the greatest barrier.

Berserker

I think forty is a great age to meet someone. You've a really good grounding in life, as you have demonstrated and I know a number of people, just like the poster above, who met lifelong partners in their early to mid forties. Speaking as someone who is not part of the dating scene and gets to observe it from the sidelines, I think the dating game changes at that age. Might be time to focus on something other than the dating sites.

Your remark about the quality of men contacting you interests me. Can you tell us what you mean by quality? Are you talking about looks, professional background or quality of interaction?

ChrissieH

Hi OP, I'm 41 and I know exactly how you feel in terms of not feeling anything like that age!! I too look young for my age and feel very young at heart, so I get what you're saying. I am married though, although only 2 years.

I have a few friends in their late 40s / early 50s who have been single for a while and through them, I can see how difficult it can be to meet men once we're not in our 20s, going to clubs on the pull anymore. But at the same time, there are definitely loads of single people of all ages now in Ireland because people are coming out of marriages and long-term relationships now whereas years ago, people stayed married, so it's definitely a better time to be single than ever before, but I do honestly think that lots of these lovely people don't put themselves online for whatever reason.
I say this because not one of my friends will do it, they feel embarrassed in case someone recognises them, or they just find it too daunting having been securely married before, etc. and while I know they're in their 50s and might have a slightly different view of the online world, they probably still do represent quite a lot of people in terms of how they feel about online dating.

I totally agree with Rubberchikken about the matchmaking service, I think they are an excellent idea and if you Google them, you might find one that jumps out at you for whatever reason, and it might be worth giving them a call.
You're not alone in finding it hard to meet someone, and it's sad that there are so many lovely people out there who are lonely and have so much to give, but how do they meet up? It's difficult, everyone's busy and working, nobody's going out to the pub as much anymore, people don't know their neighbours well enough anymore to know who's single and who's not etc, so it is a genuinely difficult situation unless you're lucky enough to wander into your local SuperValu and a hunky single man has just walked in at the same time, with a neck like a jockey's b*** and walks up and asks you out!!!

Apart from that, the one hobby I hear people suggesting as a way of finding romance is a walking group. I suppose because you're spending a lot of time chatting to people as you walk, you get to know the other members quite well, so even if there isn't anyone there that you're interested in, you might meet someone who can set you up with a friend or something like that. And cycling groups are all the rage now, there'd be plenty of men in them! Good luck with it all!!

LegacyUser

CALI wrote: »

since I turned 40 men are turned right off! I don’t get half as many messages online and without being rude the quality of men messaging has gone down.

I wouldn't read much into online dating in general and in your case I particularly wouldn't read anything into this, all it means is that search settings on searches will commonly be 30-39, 40-49 etc, so you've moved from one set of searches to another and you profile is being seen by completely different people and fewer of them.

More importantly, online dating in general is fraught with those common pitfalls of disposability, shallow criteria, fake profiles etc. I'd get out and take up some hobbies and stuff if I were you, the numbers will be lower, but the connections will be better. Good chance to make your friends go bellydancing, table quizzing, hillalking, take up amateur dramatics or whatever you fancy.

Daisy78

To be honest I wouldn't go down the dating agency route. It seems a bit contrived and transactional and that's not even taking into consideration all the horror stories you hear on here about the scam artists who run it.

It sounds like you have lots going for you. I don't think your age is the issue you think it might be. Not every guy is looking for a "younger" woman or wants kids. I think it's just a lot of people are coupled up by forty and it's simply a case of fewer people in that age bracket are looking. I think the thing with online dating is that you have to keep actively using it while you maintain your social life, keep all options open when it comes to meeting someone. I've a friend who has recently (and very reluctantly) decided to give a go. But she gave it up after three months and felt that was enough time to give it. If you applied that same logic to going out to bars/clubs you wouldn't meet anyone. Yes there are duds but there are a few gems in there too, you just need to persist.

In addition to the online stuff seek to expand your offline social life too. Volunteer. Join social and professional interest groups. Join meetup. Keep your online profile up to date. And if you do meet someone you like make your interest known, nothing to be gained by being a wallflower (I'm guilty of this too).

ElizaBennett

Firstly, good on you for not lying about your age. I know plenty who do and I really think it's pointless and a mistake that would catch up on you.
I agree that something happens with online dating when you change age bracket. I found the same. I was on a specific site for professionals and that was more for the slightly older so I still got some dates over 40 but in the end I met someone IRL. I was 41 and we're totally in love five years on. He's also a lot younger than me.
People are right to say you have loads going for you and you're also perfect for someone who already has kids or doesn't want them.
Try not to feel down about it. Yes it's only a number but it does have meaning for men who want kids
Getting out and about and being friendly and open will reap rewards

ginandtonicsky

I can believe this too. I'm 33 and newly dating after a long-term relationship, last time I was on the dating apps was about seven years ago and the attention I got back then was overwhelming compared to now.

I still get a fair bit of interest, but compared to say "real life" where I get a lot of male attention, it feels like no longer being in my 20s rules me out for a sizeable cohort of men. And of course that is their right - online grants us that option of choice and choosiness. The reality is people will exercise that to its full extent and rule out shorter men, older women, less successful men, fat women etc. It's going to often be brutal.

I use an app where you can specify whether or not you'd like to have kids and IME about 90% of the guys I chat to are "open to kids" so you have to be pragmatic and realise that age is going to be a considerable factor to people in their dating choices.

So my advice would be the same as others - explore your offline options as much as possible. Look outside your social circle, join a small class-based gym like crossfit, a hiking club, do more professional networking, think long and hard about single friends of friends that may be in the same situation as you.

Maggiesm70

i know how you feel, been there, the only piece of advice i'll give is the children issue, if you meet someone who has no children, he may want them, if you meet a man with children he may not want any more if you want a child, more than likely anyone you meet at this stage may have baggage and you will need to accept some of his issues

best of luck!

Emme

Maggiesm70 wrote: »

i know how you feel, been there, the only piece of advice i'll give is the children issue, if you meet someone who has no children, he may want them, if you meet a man with children he may not want any more if you want a child, more than likely anyone you meet at this stage may have baggage and you will need to accept some of his issues

best of luck!

This is good advice. You have to make more compromises dating as you get older, particularly if you are a woman. Sit down and review your "list" of requirements if you have one. Addictions and abusive behaviour should always be deal breakers at any age but if a guy is a few inches smaller than you or his hair is a distant memory that shouldn't put you off if he is nice. Be willing to date guys a bit older than you (10 years plus). Be willing to travel a bit more for dates. If he has a family he might not be available at weekends, be willing to work around that as long as he isn't using it as an excuse to hide the fact that he is in a relationship.

As I said, you will have to make some compromises that you might not have had to before so make sure he is worth it and treats you well.

TheBoyConor

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I use an app where you can specify whether or not you'd like to have kids and IME about 90% of the guys I chat to are "open to kids" so you have to be pragmatic and realise that age is going to be a considerable factor to people in their dating choices.

Just a word of caution in relation to the bolded bit. On dating apps that show whether you want kids bear in mind that a great many guys put down that they are undecided or open to kids event when they don't want them or are only looking for casual relationships. They do this as they know most woment want them and to state their true feelings that they don't want them would severely curtail their dating opportunities. It's a bit calculated and dishonest of them but that is the way online dating tends to work. I'll confess I do it myself.
So if a guy's profile says he is open or wanting kids, I'd take it with a pinch of salt until he actually says so in real life.

Emme

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Just a word of caution in relation to the bolded bit. On dating apps that show whether you want kids bear in mind that a great many guys put down that they are undecided or open to kids event when they don't want them or are only looking for casual relationships. They do this as they know most woment want them and to state their true feelings that they don't want them would severely curtail their dating opportunities. It's a bit calculated and dishonest of them but that is the way online dating tends to work. I'll confess I do it myself.
So if a guy's profile says he is open or wanting kids, I'd take it with a pinch of salt until he actually says so in real life.

It's also a way for dirtyoulfellas to suss if a woman is young enough to have kids and therefore shaggable when they're not looking to shag someone their own age.

TheBoyConor

I don't get how that would work Emme....???

Sure don't dating profiles nearly always show the persons age anyway????

GaGa21

Don't think men will rule out all women of 40 due to the kids situation. Women can have children up to their mid forties naturally and also with IVF. Most women are having babies later in life now so that is still an option for you OP. Fostering is also an option for couples.
If you feel you were getting a better selection of profiles, change your age online and go back to being 39! A little white lie about being a few months younger than you are is not going to make any difference to the right person when you tell him early on.

ElizaBennett

I disagree with the advice to 'go back to being 39!' My brother shaved a couple of years off his online profile age and it led to loads of hassle with the woman he was seeing - she rightly questioned everything he said once she found out that was a lie. I told him off majorly for doing it. Really why bother? It's like admitting you have a problem with being 40 and I'm sure you're not that insecure.

Dial Hard

Yeah, big plus one on the not lying from me too. I'd find it hugely offputting if I found out someone had lied about their age, even if it was "only" by a few months. Deception is deception, I wouldn't really care what the reasoning behind it was. Terrible way to start a relationship.

silverharp

it just a numbers game at the end of the day, leaving aside my social circle where I actually don’t know any men who isn’t married, and just going by work, there are about 30 people in my dept where the men who make up about half the dept have “good jobs”, there is rarely a single man in his 40’s, all are married , or have a partner, have kids etc. whereas I could quickly a group of single women that are either late 30’s early 40’s who have missed out on having families, assuming they wanted them, I wouldn't dare ask
For the OP you would at least need to be flexible and not screen out divorced men or men with kids etc. assuming they are good people of course.

silverharp

silverharp wrote: »

it just a numbers game at the end of the day, leaving aside my social circle where I actually don’t know any men who isn’t married, and just going by work, there are about 30 people in my dept where the men who make up about half the dept have “good jobs”, there is rarely a single man in his 40’s, all are married , or have a partner, have kids etc. whereas I could quickly a group of single women that are either late 30’s early 40’s who have missed out on having families, assuming they wanted them, I wouldn't dare ask
For the OP you would at least need to be flexible and not screen out divorced men or men with kids etc. assuming they are good people of course.

Is this rural or urban?

I also think there is a massive imbalance in rural (with more single men) and urban (with more single women). There was another male poster recently from rural Ireland finding few single women in his area.

Emme

salonfire wrote: »

Is this rural or urban?

I also think there is a massive imbalance in rural (with more single men) and urban (with more single women). There was another male poster recently from rural Ireland finding few single women in his area.

In certain parts of rural Leinster such as Kildare, Wicklow and Meath single women often outnumber single men. These are often women who have bought homes in the commuter belt because they cannot afford the city.

I think the male poster mentioned was from Longford or Leitrim.

silverharp

salonfire wrote: »

Is this rural or urban?

I also think there is a massive imbalance in rural (with more single men) and urban (with more single women). There was another male poster recently from rural Ireland finding few single women in his area.

Dublin, its probably common enough in cities these days.