Difficulty ending my relationship

Mummyburr

Hi all,
I'm looking for some help..
I have been in a realtionship with my partner for 3 years now. I fell pregnant at around a month in and have a beautiful 2 year old boy.
I started to suffer from extreme anxiety very early in my pregnancy.
He lived 2 hours away and moved in with my as soon as we found out I was pregnant. Very shortly after, I started to notice his drinking was very out of control. (On at least 7 occasions throughout the 9 months, he was carried home unconscious from drinking)
But I stayed because I was so terrified to be on my own.
We started renting a proper house together when I was due. This would happen every month or so, to the point that I refused to drink anymore as I just ended up babysitting him on the odd occasion that I would have a chance to go out. He smokes weed as well. Around this time last year, I think I started to throw in the towel. He kept lying to me about weed and money kept going missing. No matter how many times I had sat him down and told him that if the lies,drinking and weed don't stop that he could leave. He continued to do it. My trust was ultimately broken and I can't come back from that. I feel like my whole relationship is me waiting for the next mess up. From this time last year I started to be vocal with my family and friends about what was happening and all that I've been staying quiet about. This summer, on about 3 occasions I've walked home for my lunch from work to find my child still in his cot, awake for 4 hours while his father slept. (I'm so sorry that my story is jumping left and right but there's so much and I can't keep my brain straight) on MANY occasions, I and my family have walked in with him having gone back to sleep on a couch and my son left in a high chair for hours. On top of all of this, his personality is horrific. I've asked him to try to change. He has another beautiful son with his ex who is six, he has seen him maybe 6-7 times throughout our relationship. He won't travel the two hours to see him, so only sees him when his parents bring him up. It breaks my heart.. I work two jobs but my day could never be as hard has his as he had to mind my son and clean the kitchen. When he worked, I could never understand what real work was and he would DIE to do my job as it was easy. (I work retail and cake decorating)
He constantly runs down my family although they have done and would do anything for me and my son. He gives out because they visit too often. Or that they take me out of lunch and he doesn't see me for an hour or so. I also haven't had a sleep in in about a year. He sleeps until 3-4 in the day and waits up all night playing video games.
So we've reached a stage where he actually hasn't drank in about 2 months and hasn't smoked in a month. He appears to be getting up in the morning. He makes dinner every night and cleans. (Even though he still talks about it like my job is inferior to this)
But I literally get angry when he starts talking to me. He says one thing about my family and I want to run. I feel so ill when he even puts his hand on me or asks for a kiss. I've felt this way for a long time. I honestly thought the lack of drink and weed would change how I felt but I can't stand him. This is where the anxiety comes in, whenever I try to talk to him about it, I can't. I want him to leave but I can't tell him. My psychiatrist and therapist say that he's the main cause of my anxiety. I also suffer from very low self esteem so my brain puts his needs first. He's meant to start a new job next week that he's so excited about and it's almost Christmas. And I feel like I'm being the biggest (Grinch) in the whole world by leaving him. Even if it leaves me feeling like this 24/7. I just don't know what to do. My son isn't being taken care of properly at all, and he's my life. Why can't I leave him if he's treating my son like he's second best to his lifestyle? Sleep, gaming, drinking and weed are way higher on his list of priorities than my baby. Idon't even know what help I'm asking for. I partially wanted to vent but maybe some unbiased opinions on my situation.. congrats if you made it this far. I'm so sorry it's so jumbled and long.

ginandtonicsky

He’s an absolute waster loser and your instincts are totally right, leave and don’t look back. Your son will have a much better, happier, healthier life without this guy influencing him for the worst.

Mummyburr

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

He’s an absolute waster loser and your instincts are totally right, leave and don’t look back. Your son will have a much better, happier, healthier life without this guy influencing him for the worst.

Thank you, it feels good to hear I'm not insane. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes and that my friends and family are just telling me what I want to hear. I just don't know how to do it. I'm finding it so hard to get the words to come out of my mouth without triggering an anxiety attack.. and I feel that writing a letter at this stage is a bit petty. I've managed before to start the talk but I'm never strong enough to go through with it. So when he says we shouldn't, I just go silent and it's taken as "ok, we'll stay together"

rainbowtrout

You're not going crazy. You haven't said a single positive thing about him. Aside from your relationship with him, he is neglecting your child. You owe him nothing. Given that the pregnancy came so soon into the relationship I imagine that you didn't know him very well at the time and these behaviours weren't apparent. He is making you miserable and it is not a good environment for your child. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him, Christmas coming or not.

I assume from your OP that your family have a clear idea of the kind of relationship you have presently, and they are supportive of you. Perhaps you can arrange to stay with them for a few weeks or months if necessary until you get back on your feet and find a new home and sort out childminding arrangements. You can't stay in this set up.

Anne_cordelia

Your son deserves better. What’s he doing to the child is neglect. If you can’t leave for yourself, then leave for your child. You are doing everything right by working with a therapist etc. I hope you get the strength to leave and realise you deserve better too.

amdublin

I'm not sure what you asking. The post is all about how awful he is (and he is) and how awful the relationship (which it is).

But I don't actually see anything about you trying to end it unless I'm wrong?

Mummyburr

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You're not going crazy. You haven't said a single positive thing about him. Aside from your relationship with him, he is neglecting your child. You owe him nothing. Given that the pregnancy came so soon into the relationship I imagine that you didn't know him very well at the time and these behaviours weren't apparent. He is making you miserable and it is not a good environment for your child. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him, Christmas coming or not.

I assume from your OP that your family have a clear idea of the kind of relationship you have presently, and they are supportive of you. Perhaps you can arrange to stay with them for a few weeks or months if necessary until you get back on your feet and find a new home and sort out childminding arrangements. You can't stay in this set up.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself. If he's so mad about this job, then he'll start it no matter what happens and that it's just one Christmas. I have a very very close knit family who are all extremely supportive, they can't stand him anymore because of how were treated and would do anything to get me out. How I see it playing out is hopefully with me keeping my house and him moving home. His family and friends are Midlands. I'm west and his new job is an hour between both places so it's the same. I have my aunt, sister and mum ready for babysitting duties. I have my lone parents forms signed and ready to go. I just can't seem to pull the trigger. He acts so oblivious to it all and that doesn't help. He has to know this is coming. He also has attempted suicide in the past and during our last break up attempt, said that he wouldn't survive without us and that he was in THAT dark place. So I couldn't do it. I know I can say its not my fault if it happens, but I would still feel like it was.

Mummyburr

amdublin wrote: »

I'm not sure what you asking. The post is all about how awful he is (and he is) and how awful the relationship (which it is).

But I don't actually see anything about you trying to end it unless I'm wrong?

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking. I'm want to know how to get past my anxiety and end this. It seems impossible. I have everything in place for this to end. If it were to end right now, I have finances, sitters, daycare in place. I'm just finding it difficult to actually start that conversation as I start to panic and then can't talk. I'm also afraid of the aftermath as he has had previous suicide attempts in the past(not in OP)
I'm sorry, my brain is everywhere right now and what I'm really looking for is a push or other people's experiences with this kind of thing...

rainbowtrout

Mummyburr wrote: »

That's what I keep trying to tell myself. If he's so mad about this job, then he'll start it no matter what happens and that it's just one Christmas. I have a very very close knit family who are all extremely supportive, they can't stand him anymore because of how were treated and would do anything to get me out. How I see it playing out is hopefully with me keeping my house and him moving home. His family and friends are Midlands. I'm west and his new job is an hour between both places so it's the same. I have my aunt, sister and mum ready for babysitting duties. I have my lone parents forms signed and ready to go. I just can't seem to pull the trigger. He acts so oblivious to it all and that doesn't help. He has to know this is coming. He also has attempted suicide in the past and during our last break up attempt, said that he wouldn't survive without us and that he was in THAT dark place. So I couldn't do it. I know I can say its not my fault if it happens, but I would still feel like it was.

But nothing changes and you still end up in a crap relationship which is having a negative effect on your child. As the previous poster said, you have to do this for your child if not for yourself.

I wouldn't worry about who gets to live in the house for the moment (if it is rented). If you follow through and break up with him, he's not likely to stick around if his job is not close by and he has no other reason to be in the area.

It is not your job to keep the peace over Christmas when he is making you miserable.

nikkibikki

He is putting your child in serious danger. He shouldn't be left look after him.

About his suicide attempt, give Pieta House a call on how best to deal with that but his problems are in no way your fault.

Kidchameleon

He seems to have recently turned a corner. No drinking, no weed & new job. Is there no chance you guys could work things out now? How much of this is down to your family wanting him gone? Its a shame he does not see his other child

Mummyburr

Kidchameleon wrote: »

He seems to have recently turned a corner. No drinking, no weed & new job. Is there no chance you guys could work things out now? How much of this is down to your family wanting him gone? Its a shame he does not see his other child

I really don't think so. He has stopped before for small periods like that but they're never permanent to him. Once he starts the job and has his extra money, it will start again. This is his 8th job this year. He doesn't seem to be trying any harder with me or our son though. And I can't trust him. I don't see us working through this. I've been asking for this for so long that even if he is changing for good, I feel it's too little too late.

Kidchameleon

Ah I see OP well in that case, ending it would probably be better for everyone in the long run. It will be difficult to do as he will claim he has changed but you will need to stand firm. The first few weeks of a breakup are the hardest. Try to stay friendly with him as much as possible, its the best way to be for your child

hawley

Mummyburr wrote: »

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking. I'm want to know how to get past my anxiety and end this. It seems impossible. I have everything in place for this to end. If it were to end right now, I have finances, sitters, daycare in place. I'm just finding it difficult to actually start that conversation as I start to panic and then can't talk. I'm also afraid of the aftermath as he has had previous suicide attempts in the past(not in OP)
I'm sorry, my brain is everywhere right now and what I'm really looking for is a push or other people's experiences with this kind of thing...

Do you have to get him to leave your accommodation/what are his rights here? I think you need to set a date by which time you will have broken up with him. It would be easier to do it now rather than closer to Christmas time. There's not going to be any easy way to say it. I wouldn't even have the child in the vicinity. Maybe have a friend or relation call over very shortly afterwards, so that you have company and feel safe. You need to start planning how you are going to carry it out.

never_mind

OP, with how you described how he looks after your child I would go as far to say that you are enabling him and putting your child in danger. You are being complicit in what looks like a very uncaring and dangerous parent.

ennis81

My heart goes out to you, terrible situation
At the end of the day, life is too short, save yourself and your son and move on with your life, contact his family and tell them he needs support
Be brave and mind yourself

Aufbau

Mummyburr wrote: »

I have everything in place for this to end. If it were to end right now, I have finances, sitters, daycare in place. I'm just finding it difficult to actually start that conversation as I start to panic and then can't talk. I'm also afraid of the aftermath as he has had previous suicide attempts in the past(not in OP)

I can understand that. But there's no need to have a conversation, OP. You've had all the conversations and he's heard it all already. Say nothing at all. Just step out the door when you're ready.

Wouldn't be grand, while he's out, to just take your packed bags and your child and get into a taxi to your family? You'll need time to think it out, maybe move stuff gradually like paperwork, birth certs, passport, summer clothes etc. Then on the day, have some family to come help (in case he comes back) and off you go.

Once you're away from it all and things settle, then you can figure the rest of it out as things begin to change. You can't see the wood for the trees from where you are.

Put the suicide threats aside - you can't control whether he will or won't try it again. I know someone who had that - the threats to try to make her stay. The threats stopped when she left because it couldn't stop her anymore. If after you've gone you're still worried that he might do something, let his family know so they can help if needed.

You don't need to talk to him at all.

Until after you're gone.

TheBoyConor

I would say she doesn't even need to talk to him at all after she's gone.
Just as with any bad ex, block and delete from everything.

Fol20

Have you tried couples counseling. Sometimes. People are oblivious to problems or are in denial. If you have a mediator, it might open both your eyes and his eyes on how both of you are feeling. He might be going through some form of depression or a phase and sometimes a nudge in the right direction might help. That orelse he could just be a waste of space but it moght be worth trying for the sake of your family

Paddy Cow

Mummyburr wrote: »

I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking. I'm want to know how to get past my anxiety and end this. It seems impossible. I have everything in place for this to end. If it were to end right now, I have finances, sitters, daycare in place. I'm just finding it difficult to actually start that conversation as I start to panic and then can't talk. I'm also afraid of the aftermath as he has had previous suicide attempts in the past(not in OP)
I'm sorry, my brain is everywhere right now and what I'm really looking for is a push or other people's experiences with this kind of thing...

Could you and your son move in with your family for awhile, even just a month until you get rid of him? If you can't/he won't let the break up conversation happen, then simply remove yourself from the situation so that he gets the message loud and clear.