Proposing before living together

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I am looking for some advice. I am 25 and I have been seeing my girlfriend for the past 18 months. I am positive that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The thing is we have never lived together. She is from the country and she is renting at the moment in Dublin and we are spending on average at least 5 nights a week together in her house. Her parents met my parents a few weeks ago as they wanted to meet them and we went for a meal.



We are heading away in April and I am considering proposing to her. But I am looking for adivice as to whether people think it’s a good idea proposing considering we have not lived together

Looking forward to hearing from you.

woodchuck

What's the rush OP? Why not live together first?

Personally I would always advise living together before getting married. The old adage is true: you never really know someone until you've lived with them. If you live together first you'll either (i) be even more reassured about the decision to marry her or (ii) saved yourself from making the worst mistake of your life.

And what about your girlfriend; do you have any idea what she wants?

LegacyUser

I had a partner that proposed to me, I said we should wait as we were young (21/22). I then asked him to move in together when we were 23 which he was reluctant about and dragged his heels. Living together was the worst...we broke up within months. If you want to know someone, go and live with them

hawley

If you are living together for that much time during the week and both get on well with each other, then I'd say go for it. At this stage you know each other well enough and by April you'll be together for two years, so that's definitely not rushing into it. I know plenty of couples who never even lived together before getting married, so you've a headstart on them.

Caranica

I'm with nopenope. I've had two "solid" relationships end after moving in together. It's possible to hide things even staying together 5 nights a week. I wouldn't recommend proposing until you've lived together for at least 6 months.

Arrival

You've received some good advice so far, I just wish to say that I hope you're contributing towards the rent/bills since you're staying over at hers so often lol, would be unfair on her housemates if not

Big Bag of Chips

If you are at her place "at least 5 nights a week" then why not just make it official and move in together. You're all but living together anyway. If she lives alone I sincerely hope you contribute to her rent and bills abd not taking advantage of her. If she is housesharing I sincerely hope you are contributing to the rent and bills and not taking advantage of her and her housemates.

Pop over to the accommodation and property Forum here to see the problem housemates cause when they move their boyfriend/girlfriend in unofficially. It is very disrespectful.

If you want to spend so much time together, move in properly. If you don't want to move in, you shouldn't be spending at least 5 nights a week at her place.

miezekatze

18 months isn't even that long. I would move in together first and see how that goes. I couldn't imagine marrying someone or even getting engaged to someone without having lived with them for a while.

niallers1

Jw1993 wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I am looking for some advice. I am 25 and I have been seeing my girlfriend for the past 18 months. I am positive that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The thing is we have never lived together. She is from the country and she is renting at the moment in Dublin and we are spending on average at least 5 nights a week together in her house. Her parents met my parents a few weeks ago as they wanted to meet them and we went for a meal.



We are heading away in April and I am considering proposing to her. But I am looking for adivice as to whether people think it’s a good idea proposing considering we have not lived together

Looking forward to hearing from you.

If you really want to know somebody you should live with them. Propose in haste repent at leisure.
Totally different dynamic living together.

leggo

I was expecting this thread to be about the deed being done, thank god it’s not!

No, I wouldn’t OP, it’s a bit of a mental notion being completely honest. If someone is for life, there’s no rush to do anything and anything causing you to feel you need to rush, I’ve found, is a mistake waiting to happen.

Living together sounds about right though! Why not broach the sensible option first?

And definitely do not get married, have a kid (if you can avoid it, accidents happen and that’s fine too) or get a mortgage before you’ve lived together. You think you’re sure, but join the queue of people who thought they knew and learned otherwise upon moving in.

Loveinapril

Are you proposing with the intention of planning to get married soon or as a symbol of your future intention to marry at some point? If you have no intention to start planning a marriage (and moving in together) when you get engaged, I would say don't bother. Live together first for a while and enjoy that. It is the first step in creating a joint life. You can get engaged/ married after you live together for a while and are sure you are a good match.

Addle

Propose.
It will be romantic.
And an actual surprise, which is rare anymore.
Big difference between being engaged and being married in the (possibly unlikely) event that it all falls apart after you move in together.

LirW

If you really feel like it, propose to her but make it clear that you'd like to get to the next level and move in together.
Being engaged doesn't mean you have to be married within 6 months. Of course you can be engaged and live together for a while until you get serious about planning a wedding. Still plenty of people out there doing it that way.

I'm positive if you propose the topic of moving in together will be coming up anyway since you'll have quite a lot to talk about. Only you know your relationship well enough to make a call if the time is right.

LolaJJ

Go for it!

You can always agree to live together for at least 6 months before you get married. Living together, you'll find is quite different to doing the 5 nights a week thing.

Weird things cause issues like whose turn it is to buy dishwasher tablets and why are the chocolates I bought my mum open.....so, make sure you guys do get a few months of co-habiting in before you pay the deposit on a wedding venue but if you're sure shes the one then why not!

Rachiee

I just don't see the point in getting engaged if youre not planning to get married in the near future (3 years). Get her an eternity bracelet and say that you want to take the relationship to the next level and wonder would she consider looking for a place together

B0jangles

I wouldn't do it OP - what are you going to do if she says no?

I mean, she might absolutely be as committed to the relationship as you, but just not be ready to take such a big symbolic step forward, but her having to actually say so out loud won't exactly feel great for either of you.

SozBbz

I don't get the rush OP. Why do you want to propose? IMO asking a person to move in is also a big gesture if you want to signal to her that you see a future together.

Staying over 5nights per week is in no way the same as living together. As others have said, I do hope you're both not abusing her housemates hospitality - even if they say they're fine with it, I don't doubt that they'd love to see less of you. Theres a reason why a lot of houseshare adds on daft specify no couples, but I digress.

When you live together, you actually begin to share responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, other domestic chores. You also end up talking about money which is another tricky subject. You've also no real escape from eachother if one of you is having a bad day or whatever. You've no opportunity to really miss the other person. The realities and drudgery of grocery shopping, paying bills, dealing with maintenance issues, cleaning bathrooms, seeing each others weird person hygiene routines etc..... basically there are no end of real life realities that will really allow you to get to know a person. You cannot assume that staying over regularly is a substitute for this.