Do I give him a second chance?

LegacyUser

I was seeing a guy for four months and things were going really well. I'm early 30s and he is late 20s, 2 years younger than me. I have been with enough guys to know when something is right and I felt we had a great thing going. He was kind, funny, we were really attracted to each other and we got on so well. I was never in any doubt that he was interested in me. We had a city break booked and I was genuinely never so happy with any guy.

I don't want to go into too much detail about what ended things between us but a big issue came up in his life which could have potentially affected him profundly in the future. He told me the issue initially and I was upset and angry for him. Then he ended things quite coldly and never gave any explanation. I contacted him a month after saying I was still quite upset and I heard nothing back. This happened over the summer time. Being honest I thought he finished with me because of what happened in his life as he changed so quick and completely cut me off. He contacted me recently and apologised for his behaviour, took full responsibility for it, and said he felt he couldn't expect me to help him through his issue as we weren't together long enough, he felt that I wasn't going to want to be with him because of what happened him so he just felt that was for the best. In a way I understand it as if the same happened to me I probably would have ended things aswell as it probably was too soon for us to be a burden on each other. He gave me the option to meet up and say anything that I never got to say to him at the time as he never met up with me to end things. I thought about it for a few weeks and wanted to be sure of what I was doing and make the right decision and I felt that I had things to say, 6 months on it still hurt and I felt it would give me the closure I needed.

We met up recently and as I have said he took full responsibility for what he did. I told him how crap it made me feel and how upset I was. He said that he was so happy with me and when the situation he was in resolved he felt so disgusted with himself that he treated me that way. He said things were great between us and he would never expect me to forgive him for what he did. He said he thought we would still be together if it wasn't for him and that's what hurt him the most, was that because of his behaviour we never got to see what kind of a relationship we could have had. He missed me, and us and I said how I was just sad and down over the fact that we would never know how things would have turned out between us.

So ever since we met up I can't get him out of my head. I never did to be honest and even though I was angry and upset over what he did, I still thought of some of the happy memories between us quite a lot. I guess you always hear about second chances never working out and I know I would be so scared that the next time something goes wrong he would do the same thing to me. There was still a spark when we met up which surprised me as I thought when he hurt me so much all the feelings were gone. Has anybody any advice or been in a similar situation?

Big Bag of Chips

Has he asked for a second chance? Your post is quite long and detailed, yet I don't see in it where he specifically asked you if you'd like to try again. It's up to you, and it's one of those situations that you'll never know unless you give it a try. But there's a high chance of you getting hurt again.

If you think he's worth the risk, go for it.

Dial Hard

I agree with BBoC - has he actually asked you for a second chance/to get back together? Because all I can see is someone looking to offload their guilt so they can get closure in their own mind. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Calypso Realm

hessoo wrote: »

Then he ended things quite coldly and never gave any explanation. I contacted him a month after saying I was still quite upset and I heard nothing back.

What happened exactly here, OP? While he may well have been completely overwhelmed by whatever he was dealing with (and this is no excuse to treat you this way) this would be a huge dealbreaker for me. I think you learn more about someones' true character during difficult times and basically he showed you what he's like!

Sounds as if he's having second thoughts now (hence the contact for purely selfish reasons) but he'd need to do some major grovelling before I'd even consider giving someone the time of day, not to mention a second chance.

tara73

that was my first thought at the end of your post too: what was the outcome of your meeting or what was his intention of it? did he suggest to try again? I don't think he did, otherwise you'd have mentioned it.

I don't know, but I'm always suspicious of people who end a relationship martyr like because there's something in their live they don't want the partner to 'burden' with.

I mean, what's a meaningful, fullfilling, trustworthy releationship in addition to the nicer things there for? to stand by your partner and support them in difficult situations.
so why did he not leave the decision to yourself if you wanted to help him with it or not.
if he's so into you, he wouldn't have let you go, no matter what. he could have said he understands if you are not ready for the big burden but why decide for you.

I would tread very carefully here. For me he seems to be a player, opening up the drawer with you in it whenever he feels like and letting you down again whenever he feels like that again.
I'm sure he's aware how much you like him (more than him liking you obviously) so be careful not being used here just for his ego boost.

LegacyUser

I'd think that it would be worth talking to him about the possibility of trying again if that's what you want OP. I think the worst you could say was that pushing you away was a bit immature, perhaps a bit emotionally stunted, but very understandable, especially in the early stages of a relationship. It takes a bit of confidence in yourself and the relationship to allow somebody to share a problem with you and pushing people away is quite common. People live with terminal illness, debt, all sorts of personal issues that they hide from people quite close to them as they want to avoid hurting others, even if that's a misguided approach.
Unless there's something you haven't mentioned, he didn't behave badly towards you, just a bit stupidly. Many a couple got to where you are now and had to restart with a warning and conditions, then put it behind them and ended up happy. If that's what you want, it's worth trying.

Green&Red

I thought the opposite. He seems like a lad that went through a hard time and thought ye weren’t ready for something that hard. You’ve agreed with that.
He’s done the decent thing and come back to apologise, if he was a player or trying to absolve himself of guilt he wouldn’t have done that. It was 6 months down the line, he’d have been over it.

He sounds like a respectful lad, you sound like you like him. Nothing to be lost by letting him know it doesn’t have to be over

TheBoyConor

Sounds like far too much dramatics and baggage for a guy in his 20s. I'd say drop him, block and delete if necessary, and find a guy that is a bit more mature and well balanced. Life is too short to be dealing with these sort of flip flopping drama queens.

.......

Im not really following this at all.

Some big issue came up in this guys life that caused him to totally ghost you because he didnt want to burden you with it, yet just a few short months later the whole issue is resolved and you are wondering if he is worth a second chance?

Eh, no. From how you originally outlined it I thought it meant he had a big accident that would leave him permanently disabled or something. But whatever it was, its done with now?

Relationships arent fair weather. If you are into someone you share the good and the bad with them.

This more sounds like he is only into you when it suits him. He clearly didnt think much of you if he was able to ghost you so easily?

I think you should move on, try to look after yourself here. He has now hurt you twice, once the original ghosting, and now to come back months later to say "oh dear, Im sorry, I was wrong". Too little too late IMO.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like he had another birdie on the go and trotted out this excuse to fob you off, now his bit hasn't worked out and he is crawling back trying to get back into your pants.

Porklife

Bottom line is if you like someone enough you won't let them go for fear they'll meet someone else or just move on. For me anyway, if I'm into someone it would take one helluva an obstacle to stop me finding a way to make it work.
Sounds like it's not up to you to give him a second chance anyway. It doesn't sound like he was asking for one, more like he was absolving himself of guilt and probably for a bit of an ego boost to see if you're still fawning over him and unfortunately you are.
Time to let go I reckon. Unless you know for sure that he really wants you back, in which case I would give him a second chance. Everyone deserves one second shot I reckon but it doesn't seem like he asked for that.

Larbre34

See how it goes, but remain in control of developments and take it slowly, don't let him mess you around.

My concern would be his ability to emotionally react proportionally to stuff that comes up. Life has challenges, your relationship would have challenges, if his emotional intelligence is poor then what do you feel that might bring in terms of securing a future together, maybe children and big financial commitments?

tara73

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sounds like he had another birdie on the go and trotted out this excuse to fob you off, now his bit hasn't worked out and he is crawling back trying to get back into your pants.

as harsh as it sounds, you should be aware this is a not so unlikely possibility.

I know you don't have to tell, but as said, whatever happened, nobody forced him to end it with you.

and I think him not asking you directly to give him a second chance, just initiating this meeting could also be intentional: he's waiting or hoping now for you to ask whether you should try again because if he has enough again, he's not to blame, you were the one who wanted it!

kateee47298

I would give him another chance. However, I would make it clear that if another similar situation arises again, that would be it. Everybody makes mistakes and handles situations incorrectly but if he learns from it, I think he deserves another chance

Calypso Realm

Porklife wrote: »

Bottom line is if you like someone enough you won't let them go for fear they'll meet someone else or just move on.

Yes, with few exceptions, this is usually the case. Combined with this, what I can't reconcile is the way he treated the OP so coldly. This is not something you do to someone you truly *care* about. If he apologised shortly after, then I'd view things differently, but he didn't!

leggo

I think some people are reaching in the absence of salacious information and letting their imaginations run wild, e.g. I see no evidence he had another girl on the go. Just because something could happen doesn't mean it did.

I'm trying to fill in hypothetical blanks myself to see if there's any excuse for his behaviour, because it's quite bad form. If he found out he had a life-threatening illness in his 20's for example...then yeah, I could kinda understand how he'd totally freak out and drop a relationship of four months, his explanation fits and it's not the kind of thing that's going to come up maybe ever again so it'd be worth another shot. If he lost a job or the likes...less excusable, because that's just someone running from a setback. They're going to happen from time-to-time and how people deal with issues like that consistently. It's a horrible trait in a prospective partner, one you're not likely to ever change, and you should run a mile if you see it. I'm not asking you to tell, but judge it yourself based on that scale.

Also worth considering: how much do you trust him after this? Not in terms of if he'd cheat, but more could you trust him not to do this again? Have you got acceptable evidence that the thing he said happened actually happened, beyond his words? Or would you have to fill in some blanks because you like him and want to trust him? If you don't trust him fully (and why would you when you already thought he wouldn't do what he did to you), I'd just leave it and start again fresh. It won't be the relationship you remembered it as without that and will quickly become a nightmare.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, if you do decide to start things with him again (though you should prob just leave it), take it very slow and don't get swept up with things. To give you an example - I had a similar experience to you, came back to me several months later full of apologies and saying all the right things. I gave him a second chance and it wasn't long before I was being pushed away again, hot/cold behaviour. That's when I said goodbye for good.

Second chances can work, but rarely. People are who they are and tend to default back to learned behaviours. I'm glad I gave the second chance if for nothing else that it allowed me to fully move on. Sometimes you need that second time round to cement in your mind that they are/aren't worth it. But again, proceed with caution if you do and at the first hint of any nonsense behaviour, cut and run!

tara73

leggo wrote: »

I think some people are reaching in the absence of salacious information and letting their imaginations run wild, e.g. I see no evidence he had another girl on the go. Just because something could happen doesn't mean it did.

I said explicitly it's a possibility not so unlikely! I didn't state it as a fact. So I don't know what's your point?

as always, OP asked for advice. As from the original post, I see chances are there for this possibility and it's considerate to point it out.

leggo

tara73 wrote: »

I said explicitly it's a possibility not so unlikely! I didn't state it as a fact. So I don't know what's your point?

as always, OP asked for advice. As from the original post, I see chances are there for this possibility and it's considerate to point it out.

You’re taking it as if I was addressing you directly, I’m not, after checking your own post it was quoting someone else who said it too. And yeah, it is worth saying and adding to the mix. But it’s also such a small possibility that it’s also worth someone else coming along and saying “there’s no evidence of that though.” Then OP can decide on the balance of that. Relax, I wasn’t having a dig at you.