I dont want it to be over…

nousernameused

To start I should say that I always have been very defensive around men, not getting two emotionally involved as I didn’t want to get hurt…. In a word I treated them with some contempt. This is in part due to the fact that in my early twenties I was seeing a guy for about 2-3 months and he turned into a complete psych, threatening to kill me and turning up on the doorstep of my parents’ house without them knowing who he was. I suffered PTSD and severe anxiety for about 10 years after that experience.

I am now forty years old and thankfully my anxiety has resolved itself in the last few years… I can now see how much I have missed out having boyfriends and romance… I have come to realise that I need to be more open and trusting if I want a real relationship. I want a real relationship. I want to experience love and companionship in my life. The door is closing fast on my chances of having a child, but regardless I want to love and be loved. I have been in relationships, but I kept a high defensive wall up, only allowed myself to get involved sexually but not really emotionally with my x partners.

I was seeing a guy for two years. In the start he was into me but I was being my usual defensive self, keeping my guard up. After 6 or so months I started to fall for him, at which point my behaviour towards him changed. I started to care about what he thought of me and what I said and done around him, up to that point I didn’t really care. I became insecure… in a way changing who I was. I have had a setback career wise (due to anxiety) and this impacted on my self-esteem and behaviour around others also. Its normal to ask a person what they work at and I really dreaded that question when being introduced to his friends/neighbours. About one year in my x decided to end it. But I talked him round to giving it another try. He didn’t talk about emotions, instead reacting to my behaviour. He is a hard worker, a person who does things rather than just talking about doing them… I on the other hand am very slow to get things done, always procrastinating. Or being late when I was meeting him, or changing plans at the last minute. This used to drive him crazy.

In retrospect I did talk to me about things, what annoyed him… I didn’t listen, I just wanted to talk about feelings. Over the last few months he has officially ended it, but we kept in touch and continued to sleep together on and off. I think at one point (based on his behaviour) he was thinking of giving it another try, however I kept looking for clarification ect and I ended up driving him away. It turns out we both have joined the same online dating site and it makes me so sad to come across his profile. Some days I am ok and feel ready to date again and then every now and again I wake up and miss him so so much. He did kinda treat me like crap in the last year, but that was because he wasn’t seeing any improvement in my behaviour.

As I say we keep in touch and last Sunday week I was really upset and missing him and then he sends a message asking if I want to call down to his place… naturally I was delighted to hear from him and really wanted to see him.. however since he is now officially dating online I realised that I could be having sex with him one night and have to watch his chatting up other women if I see him out.. I have continued to meet him in the lost hope that he would reconsider but it hit me last Sunday week that I am only disrespecting myself. So I replied to his text saying I would love to call down but I didn’t think it would be good for me. He responded with “ok. I understand”. I think he has gotten more distant since I decided not to sleep with him again.

Today I have been feeling low and really want to send him a message saying I miss him.. I want to ask him to give us another chance… am I only making little of myself.

I have plenty going for me and with luck could meet someone else, but I don’t want anyone else. I love him and want to be with him.

Apologies for the long post and your thoughts would be appreciated.

leggo

I think you’re putting a lot into this guy because you went so long without anyone that he seemed to become your knight in shining armour, but that’s blinding you to some simple things.

For a start you don’t seem compatible: when you say you like to talk about feelings but he doesn’t...that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with liking to talk and you shouldn’t feel there is if that’s how you deal with things. I’d be a talker myself and have tried it with people who aren’t, you just end up banging your head against the wall trying to change them and trying it their way will only leave you anxious and unhappy. It doesn’t work.

Secondly, it seems pretty clear to an unbiased person that the past while he’s been using you for sex. You say you push him away when you seek clarification, that’s probably because he’s got no good answers for you. During my young, single (and perhaps insensitive) days we used to have a phrase: “**** me til you love me” girls. Women who’d think if they just continued to have sex and give you what you want, one day you’ll magically turn around and want things to change. It doesn’t work. If anything the more they do it, the less you’re ever going to want them. And then when they try and turn things around by doing stuff like not having sex to make a point, it comes across as playing games and you lose more interest. The respect is gone at that stage, the ship has sailed.

I may be sounding very bleak, but step back away from this lad for a second and your situation isn’t that bad. You’ve learned a lot from where you were and accepted that you want a relationship. That’s big! Now learn from this and get back out there away from this fella (it hasn’t worked, it’s not going to) and look for lads you’re compatible with based off what you’ve learned here. You can still end up happier than you’ve ever been because of all this.

SeptemberBaby

I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know it can be really hard to work through trust issues and I hope you are proud of yourself for how far you have come. Well done for saying no to this guy. There may have been love there and it is sad it has come to this but you made the right decision saying no. Unfortunately this ship has sailed.

Be kind to yourself, take your time with the dating. It is ok to feel up and down about it all. You overcame that horrible experience in your 20s, you will overcome this too.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Sorry you have had a tough run of things. I think you might be giving a bit too much thought to things, too much blame on yourself for dynamics in relationships.

When you find the right person, your conversation topics don't become annoying to the other person, they have a way of making you not feel insecure.

Just be patient and wait for the right person to come along, it will all make sense then....

x