No Connections but Content?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I suppose I'm just looking for some advice and re-assurance.

I'm a late 20s male, I've always been an introvert, preferring my own company to the company of others. I find being around people can be quite hard work. I'm naturally quite quiet and that can make it even harder. I feel like I should be putting talk on people when all I want to do is be left to my own devices. It's draining, especially for long periods of time. I'm grand in a 1-2 hour meetup, but beyond that my feet start getting extremely itchy.

When I was at school and college, I had all the time in the world to recharge my batteries alone and then meet my friends at the weekends. Since I started working and got married, I feel like I have little to no free time for myself. Any free time I do have, I like to spend with my pregnant wife or alone doing my own thing. However, I often feel tremendously guilty about this as most weekends, someone is trying to arrange something or other. Be it a family gathering, friends going out for drinks etc. So I'm constantly making excuses not to go.

As an example, I've been busy the last several weeks (new job, sick wife, etc.), and expect to be for the next 2-3 also. This is my only real weekend of respite. However, a family friend is back from his travels for a week and wanted to meet up with a few of us. I've heard nothing from him for over a year (radio silence), which suits me, but they met up a couple of nights ago and I just made some excuse about not being about that night. This weekend, one or two of my family members have made a jibe about me not meeting him, and that maybe I should come in (I live an hour away) to meet up with him for a while, which has made be feel guilty for not meeting him, and doubly so for lying about it.

Truth be told, I'm much more content in my own space and with my wife. Most of my friends are still single so even if I did want to meet up for a while, it usually involves a night of drinking and a sleep over. Which, I really couldn't be arsed with. It makes me feel like a selfish c*nt when I put these barriers up, esp. given that I actually like them, I just hate the pattern of booze, sleep over, late morning (and this is unavoidable as they're generally young single lads that are mainly interested in piss-ups, footie, and pulling girls, so they wouldn't travel this far for a coffee and catch-up.)

Is it normal to be completely content having no friends? Generally, I'm ok with who I am for the most part, but I do struggle some times with other peoples judgement of it. Especially if it's family. I feel like the family dynamic I grew up in made me the introvert I am, and now I'm being judged for it.

Eimee90

There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you keep pushing people away, and making excuses not to attend, people will eventually stop trying. I guess it’s up to you if you are ok with the posibility of losing your friends.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response.

To be honest, I think I am ok with it. Obviously I don't want to lose contact with my family, but I feel in a very different place to my friends. They're single, looking to go out most weekends on the lash, and pull. I have absolutely zero interest in those things. I'd gladly meet them for a pint or two during the day or some food, but they are more interested in all night affairs. And once you go for one, you end up being harangued to stick abut for the night

Rubberchikken

i never understand how people cant accept that others dont always want to do things or go places.
if youre happy doing your own thibg and spending time with your wife then kerp doing that.
occasionally if you feel you want to then maybe spending time with friends or family could feel good too.
but ignore the guilt that others are trying to make you feel. if thats the only reason a person does thibgs with others then its hardly enjoyable imo.

Tell me how

Eimee90 wrote: »

There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you keep pushing people away, and making excuses not to attend, people will eventually stop trying. I guess it’s up to you if you are ok with the possibility of losing your friends.

This is true. You like your isolation at this point but it may change and then it can be difficult to form meaningful relationships when you have become very accustomed to being on your own.

Could you maintain contact at a pace and timing which suits you? I'm not suggesting you just keep people on hold but you find something that works in the relationship for you both. You could initiate meetings for coffee or lunch or attending a show or something else if what they suggest is not to your liking.

It's similar to people getting sick of being asked do they want to find a partner. It can be annoying, but it is worse when people stop asking and you are now in a position where you would like one and if people were aware of that it might actually lead to something a lot more than if they think you have no interest.

Dial Hard

ContentLoner wrote:

To be honest, I think I am ok with it. Obviously I don't want to lose contact with my family, but I feel in a very different place to my friends.

Tell me how wrote:

This is true. You like your isolation at this point but it may change and then it can be difficult to form meaningful relationships when you have become very accustomed to being on your own.

I agree with Tell Me How. You might be happy to let your friends slip away now but once those connections are gone, it's very hard to rekindle them. I would also consider the future burden you're potentially laying on your wife by lining her up to be your only social & support outlet. I've been that person for a deep introvert and believe me, it's not fun.

dartboardio

I could’ve wrote this. For some reason I have left every friendship I’ve ever had, I’ve stopped bonding with people too. I only ever spend time with my Mam and boyfriend. I should have many long term friends but randomly stopped talking to them over the years and distancing myself from people. I hate feeling pressured to converse and interact with others but I’m fine f I bump into them

It’s embarassing sometimes, like you I can bond temporarily and quickly with people but cannot sustain friendships or move onto the next step of friendship (the jump from formal to close) it’s so embarassing when I see them all bonding and I’m still talking to them like a stranger ‘hey, how are you’ ... sometimes I think I could be autistic or something but who knows, I do come across as normal all this stuff exists in my own head I guess, and in my actions

My boyfriend is my only social outlet as someone mentioned above, and I’ve seen instances where he is better friends with people I should be better friends with, for example making plans for us with people I would have known for years and should be considered great friends, because I don’t bother to communicate or text with anybody.

Another one is I could form relationships and friendships then once I’m not around these people anymore I’ll completely cut ties. I worked in a place for two years a family business, left in February and I won’t even walk passed the place to say hello because I feel so awkward even though these are people I and them would consider to be fairly good friends... it’s like I’ve a hidden agenda.

Ursus Horribilis

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert (I'm one myself so I'm biased) but the downside of that is that you can isolate yourself too much. It's very easy lose contact with friends you don't see very often and, as already been mentioned, reconnecting is harder to do. At the moment you and your friends are in different places but that'll change as they start to settle down and have families of their own. Some of the others will mature too. I sometimes have to make an effort to catch up with friends. Not because I don't enjoy spending time with them (I do!) but because it just seems like too much effort at the start. It's a form of laziness and it's not something that's good to succumb to.

Is your wife OK with you just using her as a social outlet? Have you considered that you could become a drain on her? Or that she would like you to get out of the house sometimes and go do stuff with other people? It's a very short-term sort of thinking.

Ghekko

Friendships change as you get older. People are doing different things, getting married, having kids, maybe at different times, so it's completely common that the old school/college bonds will fade. You may find you meet and make friends with other people in similar family set up to yourself as time goes by. I did keep in contact with some school pals and we'd meet up occasionally up to about 5 years ago, but I haven't seen them in ages now and wouldn't make a huge effort to do so either. Don't feel bad and don't feel guilty - very childish of anyone to try and even make you feel guilty. If you are content with your life then that's great.

Supercell

OP i read somewhere that as teenagers we really care about how people think about us, in our 30's we wonder if people think about us and in our 60's mostly we dont give a damn what anyone thinks of us!
As someone in their mid 40's I'm definitely on track! If you are content with your family only as company so be it, your life, live it the way you want to.

zoobizoo

ContentLoner wrote: »

I'm grand in a 1-2 hour meetup, but beyond that my feet start getting extremely itchy.

Since I started working and got married, I feel like I have little to no free time for myself.

If I did want to meet up for a while, it usually involves a night of drinking and a sleep over. Which, I really couldn't be arsed with.

Is it normal to be completely content having no friends?

I don't know if it's normal to have no friends but I do know that my life would be less fulfilling if I didn't have a few people I could call or see every so often. And I would hate to lose touch with them.

Since we had a baby earlier this year I am much more choosy about the nights I go out and have even started to meet my friends (who are male - as am I) for coffee, brunch or lunch and then the odd night, I'll go out for dinner and pints but won't go on a big night because like you I can't deal with the next day.

Why not just do the 1-2 hour meet up? Like you, my night isn't going to get better 2 hours in and I prefer quality over quantity.

It's sounds like you want to hang onto your friends but you just need to find a better way of meeting with them - one that is more suitable to your situation.

Defunkd

If you don't put in effort, you will be begrudingly invited to family/social events and eventually excluded all together. That might sound okay now but what when you or circumstances change? You are going to need human support and company and if all bridges have been neglected, what then?

Your family/friends want to see you. If company tires you out, say so. Tell them you'll stay for half an hour and motor on after.