Don't know how to feel after breakup

LegacyUser

Last week I broke up with my first boyfriend, we were together for 18 months and are both early-mid 20s. We started off spending nearly all our time together and were hardly apart for the first year. He was lovely to me the majority of the time, he was very affectionate and caring and we always had fun together.

As time went on I noticed that he was inclined to drink a lot. Whenever we drank together at the start he would often pick on me about other boys that we know who I had kissed or went on a date with, asking why I was involved with these people because he didn't like them. As a result of this I didn't want to drink with him at all, and as a young couple it didn't help us. I told him how much it upset me and he stopped doing it. So we starting casually drinking with each other again. Then a few months later, he went out with his friends one night, he rang me and I met him and he was off his head drunk and crying so I brought him home. When we got home he went crazy and had an awful temper tantrum, he was like a lunatic shouting and pushing things around. This turned out to be caused by him having depression and soon after he went on anti-depressants. I thought after this I should break up with him, but he was in a bad state and was very apologetic about it all. I loved him so I stuck by him.

His moods improved after this but I was terrified to have a drink with him for ages. He often would suggest having a few drinks in his (parent's) house, and for a long time I didn't because I was afraid of him kicking off again especially in front of his parents. Again as time went on, his behaviour improved so we started going on nights out again. But he would often drink way too much and would start fighting with me about the smallest things like if I told him I didn't want to drink too much when I had work the next morning, or if I asked him to turn down the music if it was late at night.

It then got to the stage were he would drink nearly everyday (maybe a few cans of cider at night). I was beginning to think he was an alcoholic and asked him if he thought he had a problem with alcohol. He would get very annoyed and just say no I just want a few drinks to relax. This went on for a few months and he would always say that I was judging him for drinking, when I actually wasn't. I had accepted it as the few cans weren't exactly making him drunk.

I would often suggest that we go for day trips, and he would nearly always want to go for a drink wherever we went. Even if he did or didn't have a drink there would almost always be an argument, he would blame me and say that I caused it. It was mostly due to me making a small comment that he would always take the wrong way. Like once we were on holiday and walking through the train station, I asked him to slow down as he was walking so fast and it caused a huge argument.

In the last couple of weeks I could feel that we were beginning to drift apart and were feeling miserable when we were together. He never wanted to go anywhere and would argue with me over nothing. Last week we had a falling out because he cancelled plans to meet me with barely any notice and still wanted me to collect him to bring him to where his friends were. I refused and left him to walk. I told him that he must think that I'm a doormat, he said that I shouldn't have a problem driving him. After this he told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore, so I finally decided that we should break up.

He told me that he felt that way because I was very negative, as in I never wanted to do anything with him. That is because all he ever wanted to do was go for nights out and his past behaviour put me off drinking too much with him. We would meet up most days and I would often suggest other things to do if we were off work like walking, or cinema or whatever but he rarely went for it. I said I would be up for a night out as he seemed to be handling himself better. But he still wouldn't want to. He also said that he didn't think we should stay together because all the arguments we would have. In my eyes the majority of them were caused by him.

I know all this must make him sound like an awful person, but there was another side to him. He could be so nice, funny, decent and charming. I honestly think that he loved me and we had a lot of good times together too. I was really crazy about him and loved being with him for the most part.

I'm sorry for rambling on but when he said that he didn't think we should be together anymore because I was negative and judgemental towards him, he made me feel so bad because I wanted to it work and feel like I will never be so close to anyone again. I feel bad too because I always tried my best with him and would help him and do loads for him, often with little in return. I just feel like such an idiot because I know this all sounds so bad that I should have left him earlier. Also I can't help but feel on some level that I caused it.

Honeydew3456

Hi OP, that's called gas lighting. Look it up. You were in an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling bully. Be glad he walked away. Be very, very glad. People like him prey on decent, genuine, thoughtful people like you.

Keep as much distance between you both now as you can until you have rid him from your system. Do not allow those thoughts in your mind that all of this is because of things you said or done. Even now he is trying to mess with your mind.

I promise you, you have had a lucky escape. You are young, much too young to have your life held captive to this person. If you go back to him that kind, charming side you remember and think of will eventually disappear as his behaviour gets worse (get worse it will) and suddenly you will wake up one morning, completely out of love with that man and wonder how you wasted so many years on someone that did not deserve you.

Please stay well away from him. Toxic to the core!!!!!

You will find plenty of guys out there with charming, caring, affectionate qualities that do not have a dark side to content with.

Rubberchikken

im guessing hes blaming you because thats easier than admitting his own faults and failings.

i think in time youll look back and be glad you got out of this unhealthy relationship.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, you've had a lucky escape from someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive. Be glad you got out now. I can guarantee you that he will contact you again wanting to get back together. Don't.

StinkyMunkey

Sometimes a relationship can be one sided, this is exactly how you describe it. He is all take and no give, you all give and no take.

Regardless of him being a selfish dick, that doesn't negate the feelings you have for him. Tbh you sound like a really caring and giving person and the fact is you deserve better.

Too often a person people like yourself are taken for granted and not given their true worth.

Because of the person you are you cannot emotionally disconnect at the drop of a hat. Time is a great healer, move on with your life and put this down to experience. Never give yourself over to someone who doesn't fully appreciate you.

Good luck OP.