Can someone please tell me where I am going wrong as I dont want to loose my friend

Sugarloaf12345

My friend and I had planned on going out tonight, I got my 'cycle' this morning which is heavy painful and i feel awful. I told her this and she told me to "suck it up". I have been in bed all day with a hot water bottle and told her I will still go out I just dont want to stay over as we are staying on her sisters couch and I just feel comfortable. I told her I will go out as I promised her but would be going home around 2/half 2 as it takes me 50 mins to drive home and I dont want to be going home that late and she said f*** that shes not going home that early and what difference did it make her sister drives home at all hours when shes out so I responded that Im not her sister this is how I feel.
Am I in the wrong here? I feel I am doing my part by honouring my word but can someone please tell me where I am going wrong as i dont want to loose the friendship

Big Bag of Chips

If you're not one who usually flakes then are you over reacting thinking you will lose the friendship over not being able to go out on a night out? Or not staying out until what, 5am? If your friend is that demanding that you will be on edge all night building up to the time you need to leave it and worrying about having to tell her you're going, then is it worth the stress?

And if she's the type of person to end a friendship over changed plans then you might be as well to let her go.

Friendships are meant to be fun, relaxed, and supportive. This friendship sounds like none of that.

Sugarloaf12345

I was on the phone to a friend in the states for an hour and she called three times and left me a message saying to answer and how she can never look forward to anything with me because I always change plans (which I only did once before I cancelled as I was upset over an anniversary). I also didnt change plans tonight I was still going out even though I didnt want to I just wasnt staying over and going home at a certain time. Im actually really hurt over what she said that she can look forward to anything with me was not that a bit harsh?

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you say that to her? She seems to have no problem voicing feelings to you. So you should feel comfortable doing the same. Otherwise there's an imbalance of power in the friendship and she gets to demand and trample on your feeling and you make sure to march in line so as not to lose this great friend.

dense

She sounds selfish.

Sugarloaf12345

I told her it hurt me and she said im making it out to be a "dirty comment" which I genuinely wasnt. She went on a rant for ages crying and everything saying she is done with me until I eventually calmed her down and said I would go out all because I dont want to loose a friend. the only thing I changed is the time I wanted to go home because I have a 50 minute drive. I think after tonight though I need to rethink this frienship. Is it normal for someone to act like this?

Big Bag of Chips

No.

Edit: Expanded version. She hurts your feelings, then starts to cry and tells you she's done with you. Now she has you agreeing to go out when you're not up to it and is sulking because you're saying you'll go home at 2-2:30?

Sounds like you'll have right craic on this night out. Bet you're really looking forward to it.

Sugarloaf12345

Dreading it to be honest, my stomach is actually turning. More so at her reaction to me wanting to go home a half hour earlier than we normally would. Granted if i cancelled today and said im not going at all yes Id get it then but when I told her I felt sick due to my cycle she told me to "suck it up". A bit harsh really I have genuinely been in bed all day. She said she didnt want to see me at one point then told me to get ready. All a bit too much drama for my liking I have never in all my years of going out with various people have I witnessed annyone behave like this

Big Bag of Chips

Do you're going to drive 50 minutes there and back, feeling shyte anyway and then tiptoe around her for the night so as not to upset her?

Why?

You should at least have it out with her. It won't make for a pleasant conversant, but at least you'll probably be home before 12!

Sugarloaf12345

I did I genuinely did I told her how I felt and I told her it was a compromise I wasn’t feeling best but I’m still making the effort for her as I didn’t want to let her down and she still went on how she’s sick of me always changing plans and she couldn’t look forward to it properly all week because she was afraid I’d cancel. This is because I cancelled one night before three months ago the weekend after my mum’s anniversary for obvious reasons and I also told her one night I was going home early so I could attend a fundraiser for the hospice my mum went to the following day. Again I never cancel on her just asked could I go home early and she goes on a rant. I told her she was taking it was too far and making a big deal out of nothing considering we usually go home at that time anyway. I think I will have to take a step back after this what do you guys think?
I’m really not happy with her “suck it up” attitude it’s a bit rude and disrespectful.

bottlebrush

do you have other friends op? she sounds dreadful - demanding, controlling and manipulative.

Sugarloaf12345

bottlebrush wrote: »

do you have other friends op? she sounds dreadful - demanding, controlling and manipulative.

I do but not many that go out as they are in relationships or living away. I do get on well with her mostly but anytime I suggest anything different like going somewhere different different times etc she looses it. Sometimes I feel like she’s only mates with me to have someone to go out with as she only ever goes out with me and one other girl

Big Bag of Chips

You shouldn't have to ask her permission to go home early. You are an adult, I assume. She is behaving like a child. And you are like a jaded parent trying to placate her. I'd stop. And I wouldn't stop after this night out. I'd stop tonight.

leggo

You said you only changed plans once for an anniversary, am I right in saying you posted about that friend here then too OP?

If so, two threads in PI about one friend within a short space of time alone is enough to say this probably is something you’re better off leaving. Stay at home and mind yourself. If you lose her that’ll probably be something you’re alright with in a while.

bottlebrush

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I do but not many that go out as they are in relationships or living away. I do get on well with her mostly but anytime I suggest anything different like going somewhere different different times etc she looses it. Sometimes I feel like she’s only mates with me to have someone to go out with as she only ever goes out with me and one other girl

You could be right. but in what sense is she a friend to you - would she put herself out for you., for example, if you needed her would she be there for you or would she change plans to facilitate you in a time of need. do you other activities together or do you just go out?

Sugarloaf12345

We do some activities together like going for dinner together for example. But I just feel like she comes down on me like a tonne of bricks and puts huge pressure on me. I will stand by my word tonight as I did say I would go out and she is on her way. I don’t like tension so after tonight I plan to bow out gracefully.

Your right sometimes I do feel like a child, I almost half expect her to text to see am I ready and if I say no that she’d almost tell me to get ready now. I seen a different side to her tonight, a selfish childish brat like side as if she threw the toys out of the pram because she wanted to go clubbing but me going home early put that out for her. All I heard was ‘i’ on The phone all about her.

She is always there when I need her I would ring her a lot and speak to her a lot about daily trivialities. I have lost a lot of people in the last 12 months so I am slightly afraid of loosing more and if I loose her then I won’t have anyone to socialise with. Sad but true.

Another example, I am working a Saturday over Xmas a 13 hour shift starting at 7:30 am and I told her I wouldn’t go out after as i finish at 8:30 and takes me 50 to drive to the city we go out in, plus I am always exhausted after the shift but again she told me to ‘suck it up’ and I have to go out as I’m “long enough dead”.

Cockadoodledoo

OP if I was in your position, I’d have my pyjamas on and be comfy on the couch. If my friend had an issue with the fact that I was genuinely unwell then they could jog on. You’re not well and that’s the end of that.

If you were my friend, first of all I’d feel bad if you were going out just for my sake and secondly, what craic will you be if you’re not feeling great

Ghekko

She sounds like a right bossy cow. Who does she think she is telling you that you have to go out after a 13 hour shift? I'd loosen the ties now before that night comes up. Stand up for yourself and say no. It's quite liberating once you get used to it and it will put her in her place. She doesn't own you but is treating you like a puppet on a string! Try to get involved in things in your community - yoga class, swimming, running groups for ex. - and you may find new friends who will respect you.

StinkyMunkey

I'm sorry OP but your friend is one self centered nasty piece of work. The trouble is your feeding into it. From what you have said, it's her way or no way.

Was she spoiled as a child, does she have any other "friends" who put up with her antics?

No matter how you approach her or tell her how you feel, it will always come back to being about her. Some people are inherently selfish and will remain that way throughout their life.

If I told a friend I wasn't feeling well and couldn't go out, then got the reaction you got, that person would be dropped like a hot snot. If they apologised I could forgive. But I would never entertain that sort of carry on.

You have 3 choices 1. Continue to put up with it 2. Cut her loose 3. Or show her you will not be walked over like a door mat. Personally I'd go for no 2, at the very least no 3

Being a true friend is showing empathy for someone you care about and taking their feelings into account. You may see her as a friend, but from what you describe she is nothing but a selfish person who cares nothing about you or how you feel.

Take a stand OP - good luck

SirChenjin

...told me to ‘suck it up’ and I have to go out as I’m “long enough dead”.

Not the words of a friend, IMO.
You are handing over your independence and free will to a 'friend'. You don't have to do what she decrees.
Think about it.

Judes

So sorry to hear your story - but more importantly PLEASE go to Doctor and get a Gynaecologists appointment too. I went through physical pain / exhaustion like you for years - and eventually discovered Endometriosis. If your suffering that much through your cycle - get checked out - sooner you do - sooner you can get on the road to feeling more alive again. As for your friend - a loosely worded term methinx. A friend supports you not shuns when you're in pain. J X