No confidence

mjv2ydratu679c

Hi,

41 year old male. Had a few relationships but never married. Basically single 4 years. Tried dating apps but they just didn't work for me as I'm in a quiet enough location. Am not bad looking, many people have said so, and am very fit and active and play sports/cycle/run/hike 4 times a week. Have a good job, decent enough car and own my own house. Despite all this I have lost all confidence approaching women in pubs or clubs, don't know how to approach them or what to say. I was always quiet enough but have gone backwards in the last few years. Any advice, I'm resigned to being permanently single?

silverharp

I don't see why, even if you don't go down the pubs and clubs route you should find plenty of social situations based on your activities. Recognise your own value for starters, it sound like you have it going on and that if you are open enough, women will at a minimum meet you half way.

mjv2ydratu679c

silverharp wrote: »

I don't see why, even if you don't go down the pubs and clubs route you should find plenty of social situations based on your activities. Recognise your own value for starters, it sound like you have it going on and that if you are open enough, women will at a minimum meet you half way.

Not really many opportunities based on my activities. I play soccer with other guys and cycle/run on my own and hike with 2 of my friends. I have a lot going on and am fairly rounded just don't know how to approach women or what to say.

silverharp

Ivy Many Catamaran wrote: »

Not really many opportunities based on my activities. I play soccer with other guys and cycle/run on my own and hike with 2 of my friends. I have a lot going on and am fairly rounded just don't know how to approach women or what to say.

join a running club, hiking is another good one if you live near Dublin , there are some hiking groups that have a lot of 20 and 30 somethings that meet up at the weekend and hit the Wicklow mts.

mjv2ydratu679c

silverharp wrote: »

join a running club, hiking is another good one if you live near Dublin , there are some hiking groups that have a lot of 20 and 30 somethings that meet up at the weekend and hit the Wicklow mts.

Unfortunately I am far from Dublin. I can only run for half an hour due to an ankle injury I manage to be able to still play soccer so I can't really join a running club. Thanks for the advice but I'm more interested in advice on how to solve this

Despite all this I have lost all confidence approaching women in pubs or clubs, don't know how to approach them or what to say. I was always quiet enough but have gone backwards in the last few years. Any advice, I'm resigned to being permanently single?

silverharp

Ivy Many Catamaran wrote: »

Thanks for the advice but I'm more interested in advice on how to solve this

“Despite all this I have lost all confidence approaching women in pubs or clubs, don't know how to approach them or what to say. I was always quiet enough but have gone backwards in the last few years. Any advice, I'm resigned to being permanently single?”

Sure, it goes back to what I said, know your own worth. For some reason you see yourself as unworthy to initiate a conversation. You have to turn it around. From what I gather, on paper someone like yourself is as rare as hen’s teeth so you shouldn’t be facing a massive uphill here. You just need to demonstrate some confidence, have the air that life is fun and a wild trip and you’d like to share the journey with someone. You don’t need a clever script or patter, just be genuinely curious about who you interact with and keep it light, people are out for a bit of fun not to discuss the meaning of the universe or the downside of climate change. You should be grand , treat a night out like speed dating, if you aren’t feeling it move on.

Defunkd

If the lack of confidence is only affecting you in how you interact with women, there are a number of easy ways to build it up again but they all involve having to talk with women. Casual chat is different to chatting up a woman. It's easier to improve the former than the latter and has much more benefits.
Speed dating is great. Go with a buddy or two. Dancing, pilates (strengthen the ankle), walking clubs, social clubs, toastmasters...it goes on and on.
If you lack confidence in general, websites can be very useful.
If it's crippling you, doctor.

CALI

I’m 40 and my friends and I lament that men just do not come talking to you anymore in pubs. And that’s usually where I see cute guys-I’m not really going to clubs. So sometimes I could be sitting in a nice cosy pub with a couple of friends and I meet see a table of men. One or two might be cute but I’ve no way of knowing if they’re single and I couldn’t approach them anyway. There are women who’d love a guy to approach and have a simple chat with. When she’s at the bar, coming back from the loo, out smoking etc. I just think you sound like you have a lot going for you and women are out and about just hoping that cute guy will be interested in them.

buried

Sounds like you got plenty going on with good hobbies and interests and all that, people can tell if a person has things going on for themselves that they enjoy and you have plenty of that. Just keep the talk lighthearted and don't put too much pressure on yourself or worry you might get 'rejected' or whatever. Plenty women would be really interested to learn more about a guy that likes going on hikes and travels around the place at weekends or whenever. You have to find the right one for yourself too, not just anybody. Just keep telling yourself you hold the cards for a good experience with or without anybody anyways and just keep going for it. If you want it you'll get it. Good luck man

mjv2ydratu679c

Hi thanks all for the advice. i don't lack confidence about anything else just this. next time i'm out i'm gonna force myself to go up to a few girlls and just say Hi, how is your night going?

completedit

I don't think you go up and introduce yourself mate, that's creepy, you go up and dance and give them the nod.

Dalomanakora

What? There's absolutely nothing wrong with introducing yourself or saying hello! That's far, far less intrusive and creepy than "giving someone the nod" and throwing yourself into dancing with them!

December2012

"Hi how's your night going " is a perfect opener! Going up and talking to women is a great idea.

Make the most of every opportunity you gave to chat with a woman. Not necessarily to pull them, but to get used to breaking the ice, building confidence in yourself and practising your conversation skills.

The dance thing?- That's a no from me!

Katgurl

Mid-40's, looking to meet someone, no kids, hobbies, happy, working, not badlooking?

Hello. Go outside and say hello to a woman. Then another and another till you find one you like. You have loads to offer.

GingerLily

December2012 wrote: »

"Hi how's your night going " is a perfect opener! Going up and talking to women is a great idea.

Make the most of every opportunity you gave to chat with a woman. Not necessarily to pull them, but to get used to breaking the ice, building confidence in yourself and practising your conversation skills.

The dance thing?- That's a no from me!

This is great advice! And definitely just try for the first few occasions to just have a nice chat, doesn't matter if their single or not, as long as they are happily engaging in conversation!

I'm married and still like a nice old chat sometimes with a new person, especially if I'm visiting the area or its an event rather than my local.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like you are doing all the right things OP. i hope you get some success.
You say you are pretty good looking but I would caution that even if you are fit and handsome something else that comes into it in a fairly big way is height. Even if a guy has a non-ideal personality being tall gives a significant advantage.

Another word of caution. I strongly disagree with the suggestion of Pilates as a means to meet or chat up women. I often see this advice doled out that people should go to the gym or exercise classes to meet women/men. I think its very inadvisable - people, especially women, go to gym and fitness classes to get strong and fit - not to get chatted up or creeped on by men. To chat up a women or creep her in the gym is a tremendous faux pax and heavily frowned upon in most gyms. You are also letting yourself open to allegations or harrassment or to being labelled as "that leery guy in the gym" which no-one wants.
Also, its dangerous. People in the gym are concentrating on lifting and their form. Putting them off with your witty chat up lines can distract them and could result in injury.

Keep the romance outside of the gyms.

mjv2ydratu679c

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Sounds like you are doing all the right things OP. i hope you get some success.
You say you are pretty good looking but I would caution that even if you are fit and handsome something else that comes into it in a fairly big way is height. Even if a guy has a non-ideal personality being tall gives a significant advantage.

Yes I agree but I'm 6 1, cheers.

TheBoyConor

Then, along with everything else you've said, you're starting off with a full complement on advantages . You should make good progress if you inject a little wit and playfulness and teasing into your conversation. It is important though, not to come across as keen. Be interested but play it cool, like you're not bothered if you get their attention or not. Few things are more off putting that someone who is too keen or seeming desperate.

mjv2ydratu679c

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Then, along with everything else you've said, you're starting off with a full complement on advantages . You should make good progress if you inject a little wit and playfulness and teasing into your conversation. It is important though, not to come across as keen. Be interested but play it cool, like you're not bothered if you get their attention or not. Few things are more off putting that someone who is too keen or seeming desperate.

Yeah thanks, I dunno what it is I just have a mental block about it. Next time I'm out I'm definitely just going to go up and chat to a few people.

cannotlogin

I think you need a reality check!

As a single woman in my 30s, I can confirm men like you (single, no baggage, decent looking, keeps fit, appears to have a life of your own etc.) are like gold dust.

If you weren't living in Cavan/Leitrim (sorry for posting history stalking!), most of us single women would have asked you out!

You have the upper hand in the dating game at the moment - just go for it. Even if the women you approach aren't interested, most will be flattered.

HamSarris

I think your loss of confidence could be attributed to using online dating. The majority of men just don’t do well online. If you live in a rural area and are over 35 then it’s even worse. So these apps have artificially reduced your perception of your own self-worth.

You’ll do far better in the real world but I wouldn’t advise cold-approaching women. They will have no idea you’ve got lots going for you and may see you as a bit weird and awkward. Ideally you want to ask someone out who knows you – a friend, work colleague, someone you know from a group meet-up.

One last piece of advice is to be wary of women in their 30s and 40s telling you you’re special. I hear this so often – there’s no normal men left after 40, they’ve all baggage, alcoholics, convicts etc. I’d love if the census did a survey on single men to dispel this myth. Women say this because it makes them feel better about being single – I can’t get a man because all the good ones are taken.

It’s important not to believe this myth because you’ll feel resentful when dating becomes difficult, even though you’re told you’re the archetypical perfect man. Have no doubt, women are very picky at every age and dating will always require effort and an ability to overcome rejection.

amdublin

Ivy Many Catamaran wrote: »

Hi thanks all for the advice. i don't lack confidence about anything else just this. next time i'm out i'm gonna force myself to go up to a few girlls and just say Hi, how is your night going?

Great idea! If they're receptive to the chat (single or not) - super you've had a nice chat. And if they're not (which is ok!) you say "have a good one" and.move on

Good luck!!

Ps. Stick with the apps - you never know!

Sheog

As a single woman in my mid 30s (happy/ own house/ car/ no baggage/ great life etc.) I'd love it if men approached woman more in pubs, or even just when out and about. I don't think it comes across as creepy in the slightest!

All it takes is a friendly smile with a bit of eye contact, and if they reciprocate then follow up with a simple 'Hi, how are you' or 'Are you having a nice night' as suggested by others. Some may not be single or might not by interested, but you'll never know unless you go for it.

I wish I had more confidence to approach men actually! Plenty of my male friends (all in relationships) used to complain that it was unfair that men were expected to do all the work/ chasing.

I think I am stuck under the 'illusion' rut mentioned by HamSarris, that most men in my age group are already taken!! : /

Segotias

Definitely approach and say hi, plenty of conversations to be had standing at a bar waiting to get served. Also gives both parties and escape.

As another single woman here in her early 40's we should probably approach more ourselves but in my case I'm usually pretty sure they wouldn't be interested so don't do it. Blokes aren't as easy to tell if they're single so potentially women out there see you but don't approach cos they're unsure.

The worse you'll lose a few mins on someone.

Second on NOT dancing towards woman...creeps us out!!

pgj2015

i wouldn't say hey hows your night going?, i would say something funny and different, most women like a guy who can make them laugh.

<SNIP>

Emme

Ivy Many Catamaran wrote: »

Hi,

41 year old male. Had a few relationships but never married. Basically single 4 years. Tried dating apps but they just didn't work for me as I'm in a quiet enough location.

OP You seem to have a lot going for you otherwise so I can't understand why decent dating apps (not hookup apps like Tinder) don't work for you. Do some research and find an app where you can find genuine women. Some of the paid dating sites/apps might bear fruit.

Even if you're in a quiet location a genuine woman should be willing to drive around 10-20km to a half-way location to meet you. Single women live in quiet locations too. Good luck.