Worried about the future since best friend's death

LegacyUser

My best friend died six months ago and I really miss him. He was my only close friend (I'll call him Mark but that isn't his real name) and I can't stop thinking about him. I am in my mid-forties, not married and I don't have a girlfriend.
We became friends through football and used to go to matches together. I still go with a couple of friends that were also friends with Mark but it isn't the same. We were friends for twenty years and shared some great times. When I think back on those times now it makes me very upset.
He was married with four children and had a very fulfilling life apart from the friendship he had with me. The trouble is I didn't (and don't). I invested too much in our friendship, I was over-reliant on it as a social outlet. I have a few other "friends" but I use the inverted commas because they are more acquaintances than friends.
I didn't think Mark was going to die, it never crossed my mind. It's kind of one of my worst nightmares really. Obviously not as bad as anything happening to my niece or nephew or my sister or parents etc. but it's still pretty bad.
I am a bit of a sad sack really; it's kind of pathetic to only have going to football matches with your buddy as an interest outside of work but I suppose I am paying the price for it now. I don't have great social skills and I'm very shy and reserved. I always found it difficult to hold a conversation but I do have other interests apart from football (I go to gigs and I like the movies).
I feel a bit cut adrift now and a bit lost. It's not like I can say "Oh Mark is dead, but sure that's alright, I'll just go off and make another friend and everything will be OK". It doesn't work like that of course. He was irreplaceable and I am fairly sure I will never make another friend like him.
So I am really worried about what will happen in the future. When my parents die I will be alone. Mark would have been a great comfort in a situation like that. He was just brilliant that way, so considerate and kind. Apart from our interest in football we talked about things in our personal lives. I knew if anything bad happened to me he would be there for me.
Now that he's not there I am really afraid and pessimistic to be honest.
When I go to bed at night I think about the future and what it holds for me.
I must end by saying if he could come back just for his wife and kids and I could have no contact with him I would accept that no problem. They are the real victims and I am very conscious of that.

Bigbagofcans

I'm so sorry to hear of your best friend's death. What a tough thing to have to go through. Have you much contact with his wife and children since his death?

Your friend will always be irreplaceable but you will hopefully get somewhat close to other friends too in the near future. Do you wish to be close to your friends you call acquaintances?

It's even worth joining meet up groups like football ones, music ones, etc. You'd be surprised at who you could become friends with.

Maybe also try to do more things for yourself instead of over reliance on other people for your happiness.

Xterminator

Hi Op

"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess," said Darcy, "of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done."

"My fingers," said Elizabeth, "do not move over this instrument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault—because I will not take the trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution."

from one of my favourite books, but i think that its very valid here.

before this event you were probably satisfied with having one good friend, and didn't see the need to try to expand your social horizon as it were. now after the event you have suffered a loss and are grieving, but also it has left a bit of a void too in your life. you don't have to justify this by prefacing the fact other may miss him more, or have a better cause to do so. there is no need to measure grief on a scale like that.

The fact you have not got other good friends to rely on has brought into focus that this friendship was your only social outlet, and its gone. I suggest to you that you can make valuable and fulfilling relationships at any stage of your life, if you are willing to make the necessary changes and effort. And that will involve repeated effort on your part. So as the last poster suggested, fill your spare time with social activities. Make great efforts to be more outgoing and than you might usually be, in these scenarios. But at the same time, be patient. And with a little luck you can make some connections that could develop into lasting friendships.

One piece of advice i would give on what activities to choose, is that volunteer activities seem to attract a fair share of nice decent human beings, so whether your cleaning you local church, helping out with the local youth club, working in a charity shop, or looking after abandoned animals etc you would be surrounded by ethically decent people and that cant hurt eh?

Paddy Cow

jack_09 wrote: »

I didn't think Mark was going to die, it never crossed my mind. It's kind of one of my worst nightmares really. Obviously not as bad as anything happening to my niece or nephew or my sister or parents etc. but it's still pretty bad.

Was Mark your brother in law? That makes him family. Losing a friend is bad enough but losing family is even worse. You are grieving and allow yourself to do this. I've read that it can take 18 months to get over the initial shock of losing a close family member. Cut yourself some slack. You need to grieve your loss and let that take as long as it takes. You will never be able to replace Mark but in time you will be able to form other friendships.

Btw, don't belittle your grief by comparing it to other people. Your grief is valid and the dept of it just shows how important Mark was to you. He was obviously a great guy, given how highly you speak of him. Of course he's going to be a huge loss in your life. Have you considered speaking to a bereavement counsellor? They could help you work through your emotions, thoughts and fears.

Rubberchikken

im so sorry youve lost your friend.
6 months when grieving is no time at all so start by going easy on yourself.

i know it doesnt seem like it now but while you'll never forget your friend nor miss his company time will ease the pain to a bearable level.

whenever you're up to it encourage the friendships you have with others. it took a chance and efgort to forge a friendship with your friend and who knows but there could be another close friendship out there just waiting to happen.

take care

LegacyUser

No Mark wasn't my brother-in-law. I have a brother-in-law and he happens to be a complete douche, he couldn't be more different to Mark :-).
I have been to a bereavement counsellor but stopped after a couple of visits. Not because the counsellor wasn't helpful, I don't know why I stopped going really.
I am planning to go see his wife and children before Christmas but I am nervous about it. I don't really want to talk too much about Mark 'cause I want to keep it upbeat but how can I not talk about him because since he died I never really got the opportunity to put across to his wife how much he meant to me.
I haven't lost hope of making a friend as good as Mark again but I think it is unlikely. When I was with my counsellor I said to her that it seemed to be that my life has now been divided into two phases:
1. My life while Mark was alive
2. My life after he died

I said I didn't think there was going to be a third phase (i.e. that I would make another good friend or maybe something else really good would happen to me that made things a little better).
She said there might be a third phase and not to rule it out but I just think I was extremely lucky to have met Mark because as I said I wasn't good at connecting with people.
It's expecting too much to be that lucky twice in your life.
I know a few people that don't have a really good friend and it must have been because they just didn't have the incredible stroke of luck that I had in meeting Mark.
I know you hear all the time about people who have lost husbands and wives after being married for maybe twenty years or something and they were devastated and completely ruled out meeting someone who meant as much to them but it happened against all odds.
That's a different situation but making friends (really good friends) is a bit like meeting a your wife or husband in a way. He or she is your soulmate and someone quite unique to you.
Mark certainly was unique.

December2012

Go back to your bereavement counselling for some more sessions. Or go to 'normal counselling to just with through the rest of your pain

Zorya

People sometimes speak of love as though it can only happen between couples or between parent and child but there can be deep lifelong love in a friendship if we are very lucky. You have not just lost a friend and football buddy, you have lost someone you loved. This will take a very long time to deal with and may always be a great sadness to you.

There is nothing wrong with a part of your whole self being composed of memories and melancholy for a beloved person. In time this part will come to hold a more manageable and appropriate share of yourself but you are still going through grief and so that time is not yet.

You may not meet another whom you will love so well, that is part of the bittersweet quality of life, part of being human. But you can be content, at ease, joyful even by times and you can participate in life in meaningful ways. When you feel more able look for small ways to begin connecting with people, especially, as some have already said, in some areas where you can be of service. Best of luck, just as your beloved friend was good you are good too.

LegacyUser

Zorya wrote: »

People sometimes speak of love as though it can only happen between couples or between parent and child but there can be deep lifelong love in a friendship if we are very lucky. You have not just lost a friend and football buddy, you have lost someone you loved. This will take a very long time to deal with and may always be a great sadness to you.

There is nothing wrong with a part of your whole self being composed of memories and melancholy for a beloved person. In time this part will come to hold a more manageable and appropriate share of yourself but you are still going through grief and so that time is not yet.

You may not meet another whom you will love so well, that is part of the bittersweet quality of life, part of being human. But you can be content, at ease, joyful even by times and you can participate in life in meaningful ways. When you feel more able look for small ways to begin connecting with people, especially, as some have already said, in some areas where you can be of service. Best of luck, just as your beloved friend was good you are good too.

Yeah you are right, it is possible to love your best friend. I wouldn't say it to anyone because as a heterosexual male (which I am) it's not considered very masculine to talk that way about another man but yes I did love Mark, he was that special to me.
I am going to visit his wife before Christmas but I am nervous about it. It's a sensitive situation and I want to say the right things.

Ursus Horribilis

I've seen your other posts about Mark as well. I'm sorry for your loss and can't even begin to understand how you feel. While there's nothing wrong with mourning his passing, I hope you don't fall into the trap of thinking your life is over.

You are very hard on yourself and I think that's feeding into your troubles. Mark liked you enough to be his friend so you must have something going for you. You probably shut yourself off from making other friends because you knew you had Mark. If you stopped judging yourself so harshly, you might find yourself getting better at meeting people. Have you ever been to counselling? Perhaps your insecurities are so deep-seated you need some professional help. Nobody's future is set in stone and there are lots of things you can do to change yours. Mark wouldn't want you to be alone and friendless for the rest of your days.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen your other posts about Mark as well. I'm sorry for your loss and can't even begin to understand how you feel. While there's nothing wrong with mourning his passing, I hope you don't fall into the trap of thinking your life is over.

Sometimes it does fell like my life is over to be honest.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You probably shut yourself off from making other friends because you knew you had Mark.

It wasn't really that, I just wasn't good at making friends. It was OK as long as Mark was alive but now he's gone it's a bit of an issue.

Ursus Horribilis

So do you want to make other friends?

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So do you want to make other friends?

I do want to make other friends but the trouble is every potential friend is and will be judged against Mark. You can't replace the irreplaceable. I was friends with Mark for twenty years and just feel it will be impossible to build up that level of friendship with a person again at my age (I'm 45).
I do try to be positive and I recognise there are people in far worse situations but I feel a bit hopeless now. The sense of emptiness is overwhelming. I am quite depressed and have been since his death. Maybe after time I will come out of it but right now I feel fairly low.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you getting professional help?

S.M.B.

I lost my brother 10 years ago then my father a few years later. Was fully functional for a year or so afterwards but knew I needed some sort of professional help. Worked through my grief, social anxieties and disorders over a good 2 year period. I am now getting married in two weeks which is something I could not have imagined 5 years ago. I'd urge you to get some professional help. Whatever you are going through is complex and challenging but with some help things will improve.

LegacyUser

S.M.B. wrote: »

I lost my brother 10 years ago then my father a few years later. Was fully functional for a year or so afterwards but knew I needed some sort of professional help. Worked through my grief, social anxieties and disorders over a good 2 year period. I am now getting married in two weeks which is something I could not have imagined 5 years ago. I'd urge you to get some professional help. Whatever you are going through is complex and challenging but with some help things will improve.

I'm so sorry for your loss. When I read something like that it makes me think I should really snap out of it (Mark was not a family member after all). I wish I could but I can't.

S.M.B.

jack_09 wrote: »

I'm so sorry for your loss. When I read something like that it makes me think I should really snap out of it (Mark was not a family member after all). I wish I could but I can't.

I was hesitant when writing my last post as I was a little worried you would respond by downplaying your situation and saying it in no way compares to losing a family member. That wasn't my intent. I wasn't trying to make you feel like you needed to 'snap out of it'. I reached my low point after my father died. He wasn't a young man. I also felt that I should 'snap out of it' as I had plenty of friends and relations who lost a parent and seemed to handle it reasonably well.

Losing a best friend of 20 years is going to take its toll, I myself can't imagine exactly what you are going through right now. Just know that with a bit of grit, determination and help (be it professional or not) you'll come out the other side.

weldoninhio

You’ve said a few times that you are not good at making new friends. But there is no real secret/trick to making friends. You say your brother in law is a douche, but I bet he has friends who are douches too. Just like if you put yourself out there, you’ll meet people who click with you and will have the same interests etc.

The other thing is not to think of them as a replacement for Mark. No one will replace him and the good times you had with him will always be in your memories. Everyone is different and will have different quirks and traits. No one will ever be the same as Mark, but that is ok. No one you meet now will have that link of 20 years of friendship.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone and even at the football, try to have a chat with someone you wouldn’t normally. You never know who’ll you’ll meet who has the same interests.

never_mind

jack_09 wrote: »

Sometimes it does fell like my life is over to be honest.


It wasn't really that, I just wasn't good at making friends. It was OK as long as Mark was alive but now he's gone it's a bit of an issue.

I’ve seen your posts over the months, OP. I don’t want to cause offence at all and I only say this to see what you think... but did you have feelings for mark?

Ursus Horribilis

never_mind wrote: »

I’ve seen your posts over the months, OP. I don’t want to cause offence at all and I only say this to see what you think... but did you have feelings for mark?

I have to admit the same thoughts crossed my mind. There's something so intense about the way you write about him, it's more like you've lost a life partner than a friend.

Reesy

jack_09 wrote: »

...I am going to visit his wife before Christmas but I am nervous about it. It's a sensitive situation and I want to say the right things.

In my limited experience, asking open questions & letting them talk is the best approach. Let her share her pain, and share yours.

I'm sure there are decent resources online for comforting the bereaved. Look after yourself though, don't take the whole burden on yourself.

LegacyUser

S.M.B. wrote: »

I was hesitant when writing my last post as I was a little worried you would respond by downplaying your situation and saying it in no way compares to losing a family member. That wasn't my intent. I wasn't trying to make you feel like you needed to 'snap out of it'. .

Oh I know that, I know you weren't trying to play down my situation. I didn't think that for a second. Don't be worried

never_mind wrote:

I’ve seen your posts over the months, OP. I don’t want to cause offence at all and I only say this to see what you think... but did you have feelings for mark?

No it was nothing like that, I can assure you I am 100% heterosexual (not that there would be anything wrong with it if I wasn't). That was another thing about him;even though he was married I could joke to him about "hot" birds I knew ("She is smokin' hot, I'd have to be dragged off her" etc.) So funny when I think back to those things now.
It's just that I don't cope well with traumatic situations. I am prone to depression and anxiety and have been on medication for it with years.
It's possible there are others who were closer to Mark and knew him for longer than me but are coping with his death better than me (e.g. relatives, lifelong friends). I don't have many other friends so I was a bit too reliant on this one person. So it leaves a massive void now he isn't there anymore.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you spoken to your GP or sought out extra help since Mark died? Therapy of some sort? You've got these underlying issues and losing your friend/social outlet is a huge trauma. Maybe you don't have the tools to deal with this alone. Even if it's just to get bereavement counselling. You sound like you need to do something different. You're posting on boards (nothing wrong with that btw) but that indicates to me that you have a need to reach out to someone or something to deal with your loss. There is only so much any of us can do to help. We can try but we're not trained professionals.

delly

Hi OP. I've just read this thread for the first time, so am sorry for your loss. There has been a lot of good advice given already, so forgive me if I repeat something that may have already been said.

I'm 40 and have some acquaintances, but zero people who I would call good friends. I do have a loving wife and daughter however, and they are my world. I'm happy in myself however, I don't necessarily need friends, but even if I did, I would agree that making good friends of the level you describe would be difficult at this age. I think what you had with Mark was unique and may have served in lieu of a relationship with a lifelong partner. There is nothing wrong with deciding not to have a lifelong partner, or not meeting the right person, but think from your grieve and agony that you do need someone in your life.

If I asked you how you felt about finding a partner instead of a friend, how would you feel?

never_mind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you spoken to your GP or sought out extra help since Mark died? Therapy of some sort? You've got these underlying issues and losing your friend/social outlet is a huge trauma. Maybe you don't have the tools to deal with this alone. Even if it's just to get bereavement counselling. You sound like you need to do something different. You're posting on boards (nothing wrong with that btw) but that indicates to me that you have a need to reach out to someone or something to deal with your loss. There is only so much any of us can do to help. We can try but we're not trained professionals.

Agree.

OP, read that above a few times. I wonder what you’re hoping to glean from another thread here when this is an ongoing issue that isn’t changing. It’s time to get up and engage in something real and not just vent on online forums (which is fine as Ursus says!)

hawley

You need to write down what you want from life. The most important thing in your life is trying to overcome your depression. That has crippled you and is probably the cause of you being so dependant on Mark. Unless you can improve your mood and get a more positive outlook on life, then you're going nowhere. If you draw up a plan of things that you want to achieve over a certain time frame, it would help. It could include initiating contact with people one a week, taking up a night class, going for a walk every evening. I hope that you start to feel better, you're going through a tough time.

LegacyUser

delly wrote: »

If I asked you how you felt about finding a partner instead of a friend, how would you feel?

That would be nice I suppose if it happened but if it doesn't I am not too bothered. You can't plan these things anyway, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. I think it's more the way of life I had when Mark was alive that I miss more than anything (that's not to say I don't miss the person himself, of course I do).
That way of life (going to the matches with him) was a massive crutch for me and now it's been removed it's like having the rug pulled out from under me.
I have been pro-active in finding other things to take the place of that way of life. I don't want to say what in case someone reading this guesses who I am. I find it hard to be enthusiastic sometimes because I am thinking "this is nowhere near as good as the times I spent with Mark" but I am trying.
I feel a bit silly about posting the thread now. Sometime when you are going through a difficult spell you go and post something online out of I don't know, desperation I suppose.
It has helped a bit I suppose, just to see people responding is a help.

December2012

Could you still go to matches? Is there a supporters club for the team you follow that you could meet up with? Or do they have a boards group that you could meet up with?

delly

jack_09 wrote: »

I feel a bit silly about posting the thread now. Sometime when you are going through a difficult spell you go and post something online out of I don't know, desperation I suppose.
It has helped a bit I suppose, just to see people responding is a help.

Well that's the one thing that this thread isn't in my view, seems like a very real world problem with lots of differing life experienced views to try and assist you. I would say that your situation is rare, but that's not to say that is in any way not a very real and difficult situation. Hopefully by seeing the broad range of insights, it will give you some strength to take some new steps, be it further counselling, or joining new social groups.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Could you still go to matches? Is there a supporters club for the team you follow that you could meet up with? Or do they have a boards group that you could meet up with?

I still go to the matches; with friends who were friends with Mark. That tells you why I thought so much of him; even after he died I am still in debt to him; I couldn't make friends by myself, I had to rely on him to make friends for me. So now I have his friends while he is dead.
They are really sound and great company (but they ain't Mark; I don't expect them to be though).

December2012

Was yoir confidence always this low? I'm sure you were a lovely person before you met Mark.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Was yoir confidence always this low? I'm sure you were a lovely person before you met Mark.

You mean I am not a lovely person now? I know that's not what you meant. I was always a very shy and reserved person. I suppose my friend's death has exacerbated that and now I am even quieter.
Look, I may have come across as a bit self-centred in my post and that's the last thing I want to be seen as. There are others in far worse situations (some of them probably reading this who would gladly swap places with me) and are able to cope.
Maybe I am just weak. I have to accept my friend's death and try to make the best of life, somehow.

Ursus Horribilis

No you're not weak but the way you are lashing yourself here is saddening to see. I have asked the question already on this thread but you haven't answered it from what I can see. I'm going to ask it again now Have you sought out any professional help since Mark died?

By that, I don't mean a doctor prescribing pills for you to pop. Have you gone for bereavement counselling? Or indeed, have you ever had therapy to deal with your anxiety and low self-esteem? I'm sure you have a lot going for you but your lack of self-confidence is wrecking everything. If you want to have a better life and make other friends (ones not on the pedestal you placed Mark on) you can do it. You have to want to do it though. Do you?

December2012

jack_09 wrote: »

December2012 wrote: »

Was yoir confidence always this low? I'm sure you were a lovely person before you met Mark.

You mean I am not a lovely person now? I know that's not what you meant. I was always a very shy and reserved person. I suppose my friend's death has exacerbated that and now I am even quieter.
Look, I may have come across as a bit self-centred in my post and that's the last thing I want to be seen as. There are others in far worse situations (some of them probably reading this who would gladly swap places with me) and are able to cope.
Maybe I am just weak. I have to accept my friend's death and try to make the best of life, somehow.

Your confidence seems on the floor. You appear to not believe anybody else likes you. You talk as if your life is over too.

You must have some good things in your life.

Grief is horrible but it does sound now like it is affecting your function in a very strong way.

You have to talk to a professional about your mental health. With your lack of confidence you won't have the tools or mechanisms to get better alone.

.......

Hi OP,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time since your friend passed away.

Its not easy to lose a good friend, we do love our friends - itd be weird if we didnt! When you share a close relationship with someone and think so highly of them of course you love them platonically.

I dont think this thread is silly at all. The truth is that there is no easy way to "snap out of" grief. The only answer is that you need to go through it and come out the other side. The trite old "time heals" is actually true, but also you may need professional counselling to help you get through it.

I can see from your posts that as well as missing your friend for who he was, his death has thrown your own existence into sharp relief for you. Perhaps it was easy to just ignore aspects of yourself that you are not fond of while he was alive because his presence eclipsed them but now that he is gone they are there looking at you.

The good thing about this and the positive thing to take from Marks passing, is that now you have an opportunity to work on yourself and change these things that you dont like about yourself. Im sure Mark would want you to be happy and want you to feel confident and have other good friends.

So take this opportunity and try to build something positive out of it.

1 - You need to work on your self confidence.
2 - You need to work on your social skills.
3 - You need to work on making new friends.

You were friends with Mark for 20 years. I guarantee you if you put a solid effort into the above three items for just 5 years, there will be positive differences in your life.

But only you can put the effort in.

For what its worth, you come across as a lovely person in your posts so I am quite sure that you are capable of finding and making more friends.

Mark cannot be replaced, but he may have given you the gift of a kick in the behind to address your own issues and thats his legacy to you.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Perhaps it was easy to just ignore aspects of yourself that you are not fond of while he was alive because his presence eclipsed them but now that he is gone they are there looking at you.

Yeah that is definitely true. I notice things missing from my life a lot more now that I wasn't bothered about before. Not having anyone else to confide in, not having other social outlets etc.
It's a wake-up call and I have to listen to it or else the rest of my life will be spent just drifting along, brooding and reminiscing on "the good old days" when Mark was alive.
Are there days ahead for me that are going to better than when he was alive? I doubt it but maybe there will be. If there aren't then I accept that; life can be cruel and harsh sometimes.
But I can still have some good days, I have to believe that. To the person who asked have I been getting bereavement counselling, yes I have but I stopped. The counsellor was lovely and made some suggestions (that I have acted upon) but I felt a bit silly and decided I should "man up". I go to a group meeting (for people with depression) every week (I have been going for years). I find it a help and it lifts my spirits for sure.
I will go back to the counsellor if my mood doesn't improve, there's no point expecting things to get better without taking action.

Ursus Horribilis

Please stop saying your problem is silly and that you're weak and should man up. There is nothing trivial about what you're going through and the sooner you stop minimising your problems the better. Is it easier to say your issues are silly so that you can avoid dealing with them? i think you should go back to your counsellor and continue your counselling. Perhaps you have made some improvements to your life but your thought processes are still alarmingly negative. Like other people on this thread have noted, you sound like a lovely guy. You still have a lot to offer and a lot of life to live if only you'd allow yourself to.

.......

jack_09 wrote: »

Are there days ahead for me that are going to better than when he was alive?

I want you to take this thought and promise to re-examine it in 40 years time, along with the promise that you will endeavour to have good days.

When you look back along your life in your 80s there will be a period that Mark was in and you remember fondly. There will also be other great times, if you allow yourself to have them. Life is a whole series of good times and bad times. If we never had any bad times we would never know that we were having good times. But one thing is absolutely certain in life - things change. Nothing ever stays the same.

LegacyUser

OP, I strongly urge you to go back and continue with the counselling.
You have suffered a big loss. It takes time to process anod come to terms with it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a genuinely nice, decent person.

From my own experience, albeit for a different issue, I found counselling enormously helpful.

There will be days you will feel it's all sorted as you leave the session. There will be days when you think you are back to square one.

It can take a long time, but it is so worthwhile. Nothing will change what has happened, but long term, you will find the strategies that help you to cope.

Mind yourself, watch your physical health, make sure to eat properly and get exercise. It can be easy to let those things slip, after a bereavement.

Grief is a strange thing, and it affects everyone differently. Take care.