Interfering mother in law

Farmerstatia

Hi everyone.
Just looking for advice really as what to do .
So I usually have a good relationship with my in laws.
But the last while things turned a bit sour to say the least.

So my husband only has one sibling a sister.
I have a 13 yo boy from a previous relationship and my husband is in the process of adopting him.
We also have a 4 mth old boy that had to be conceived through ivf.

Now we run a farm and the baby goes down to mil each morning so I can do the farming which takes about 2 hrs .
My sil lives in London.
So the last while when ever she comes home it's very turbulent to say the least.
She the sil picks him up when I say no please don't cause he going to sleep.
If he is asleep both mil and sil stick heads in buggy keep talking really loud and nudging buggy to try wake him so they can hold him ..
Even though I say no please leave him alone..
They are critical about what I feed him saying I'm choking him..

The other night they blew up both of them to my husband..He was called a bast××d a c×nt and lots of other hurtful names the mil kicked doors and went to throw plates..
What they said about me holy moly..
I'm stopping them seeing the baby.
I'm sour towards them.
I'm trying to turn him against them.
We only use mil when it suits us to mind baby.
Because my mum doesn't talk to me I'm a bitch.
I'm no good.
I only try a choke my own baby by giving him ****e food.
I went off to an app and they said I just did that so they couldn't see baby.
My own mother was right about me whatever that means...


Now we don't know what to do..
Do we just forget it all and let them see the kids or do we stand our ground and say no...
My husband had to go away for a few days with work so I'm on my own with the kids and I no they will come around expecting to see the baby cause sil going back to London today and she will want to have him...So confused never mind so angry with it all..

I feel so bad for my fil cause he didn't say anything but did chat to my husband after and said don't mind them at all

suicide_circus

if you dont have an alternative to the mil minding the baby so you can work then you may have to swallow it unfortunately. are there any similarities between the animosity your own mother has towards you and your mil and sil are having. may be worth looking at that to see if there's a pattern.

Farmerstatia

suicide_circus wrote: »

if you dont have an alternative to the mil minding the baby so you can work then you may have to swallow it unfortunately. are there any similarities between the animosity your own mother has towards you and your mil and sil are having. may be worth looking at that to see if there's a pattern.

When the sil comes home they enable each other...just after I had posted this morning I got a knock on the door and I opened it I had baby in my arms and sil standing there..She said can I see the baby and I said I don't think that's a good idea with what you said to my husband and the stuff you .said about me and she said well u have got what you have wanted and your nothing but a tramp!!!

Loveinapril

A grown woman kicking doors and attempting to throw plates? That is certainly not an environment I would put myself in, let alone my kids. Find alternative childcare arrangements. Is the mother in law someone you could have a conversation with? She obviously harbours a lot of resentment towards you. If you don't feel you can talk to her, then let your husband visit with the children and you take a break from it. What does he think of their behaviour?

Edited to add that I would absolutely stop the sister in law from coming to my home with that sort of abuse.

Farmerstatia

Loveinapril wrote: »

A grown woman kicking doors and attempting to throw plates? That is certainly not an environment I would put myself in, let alone my kids. Find alternative childcare arrangements. Is the mother in law someone you could have a conversation with? She obviously harbours a lot of resentment towards you. If you don't feel you can talk to her, then let your husband visit with the children and you take a break from it. What does he think of their behaviour?

Edited to add that I would absolutely stop the sister in law from coming to my home with that sort of abuse.

I don't know why she hates me now cause we always got on so well..
She thinks I'm stopping them seeing and holding baby but if he asleep or going to sleep then common sense prevails and you don't go near him

Loveinapril

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I don't know why she hates me now cause we always got on so well..
She thinks I'm stopping them seeing and holding baby but if he asleep or going to sleep then common sense prevails and you don't go near him

But she sees him every day while you are working on the farm, no? How are you communicating your wishes to her? Like when you don't want the baby being held, how are you telling her? My mother would have a tendency to think I am a bit controlling or bossy with my baby so I say things to make her think I am just wondering/ learning/ trying this new thing etc. Like, I might say "oh i noticed that he is harder to settle if he has too much activity before sleep so he seems to doze quicker if I don't touch him/ chat to him right before his nap" as opposed to me just saying "leave him alone, he is going to sleep". If your mother in law is a bit defiant or argumentative you might "ask" her advice so ahe feels involved. This is all separate to her behaviour the other day though, that needs to be addressed first.

Addle

This to me reads like something minor that has gotten completely out of hand through bad communication, and I think your actions have escalated the issue.

Your child was being well cared for in your absence.
Why didn't you just leave them be?

Johnson_76

If I were you I would go "no contact"

Google it, lots of people do it to help their mentl health when dealing with people of narrcisistic tendencies.

In a nutshell. Never answer a text, a phone all , never acknowledge them again.

Or else continue the way it is and end up on medication and frustrated beyond belief .


So what if they say, " she is a wagon" or whatever . You need to protect yourself and your child.


Best of luck

Farmerstatia

Addle wrote: »

This to me reads like something minor that has gotten completely out of hand through bad communication, and I think your actions have escalated the issue.

Your child was being well cared for in your absence.
Why didn't you just leave them be?

Yes my son located for when I'm working for the two hours but I do ask can he be put on a blanket to roll on the floor or he has a sore bum he needs to be changed more and these things are not listened too ...
I don't think it's too much to ask for certain things to be done my way in my absence ..
I'm very understanding and when my baby came home the other day screaming cause he wanted a spoon feed and he had a massive dirty nappy up his back I did not say anything to her or give out I just brought him home changed and fed him and he settled straight away ..
I'm being made out to not know what to do and That I'm controlling and I'm not I have no prob what so ever for anyone to pick him up and play with him when he awake and not when he asleep or going to sleep

Loveinapril

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Yes my son located for when I'm working for the two hours but I do ask can he be put on a blanket to roll on the floor or he has a sore bum he needs to be changed more and these things are not listened too ...
I don't think it's too much to ask for certain things to be done my way in my absence ..
I'm very understanding and when my baby came home the other day screaming cause he wanted a spoon feed and he had a massive dirty nappy up his back I did not say anything to her or give out I just brought him home changed and fed him and he settled straight away ..
I'm being made out to not know what to do and That I'm controlling and I'm not I have no prob what so ever for anyone to pick him up and play with him when he awake and not when he asleep or going to sleep

If you are not happy with how your son is being cared for, then you need to find alternative arrangements.

nikkibikki

Loveinapril wrote:

If you are not happy with how your son is being cared for, then you need to find alternative arrangements.

Yes, I would rather pay a creche than be indebted to somebody who won't respect basic wishes. And definitely wouldn't let her have him unsupervised with her after her latest outburst. You don't have to let anybody in your house that you don't want to. Your husband can bring them for visits but he should not allow either of you to be bad mouthed when the kids are there. He needs to be prepared to stand up and leave the house if they start.

Neyite

They are verbally abusive. To you and your husband. Do you want your child to be screamed at and called vile names when he's a toddler in their care? When he's old enough to hear granny and auntie having a good auld rant about what an awful mother and father he's got?

They don't have ANY right to see your child. None at all. It's a privilege that they are taking for granted and being abusive in exchange. And now that there's been a big bust up it's the perfect opportunity to get childcare elsewhere - someone who isn't verbally abusive, someone who listens to the parent's wishes and puts a baby's needs before theirs. MIL will come crawling back to offer to mind the baby when you've all made up but hold firm. He's not a dolly she gets to play mummy with. He's a baby with needs that need to be met by the caregiver.

And from now on, every time you are called a name, walk out the door or walk them to the door. You and your husband have to be a team on this. He needs to defend your corner and you need to have his back as well. Zero tolerance. It sounds like MIL might come around in time if she sees that her behaviour is costing her time with her grandchild, and if she comes onside, then she'll be more aware that SIL can bugger that up and be more likely to call her up on it herself.

The very worst thing you can do is gloss over it because that's only confirming to them that you are a doormat to be trampled over.

whelan2

Bring the child with you out to the farm. Coincide it with his sleeps. I have done it. Put him in car seat in car or jeep. It is not ideal but needs must. Are you paying mil for looking after him?

lawred2

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Yes my son located for when I'm working for the two hours but I do ask can he be put on a blanket to roll on the floor or he has a sore bum he needs to be changed more and these things are not listened too ...
I don't think it's too much to ask for certain things to be done my way in my absence ..
I'm very understanding and when my baby came home the other day screaming cause he wanted a spoon feed and he had a massive dirty nappy up his back I did not say anything to her or give out I just brought him home changed and fed him and he settled straight away ..
I'm being made out to not know what to do and That I'm controlling and I'm not I have no prob what so ever for anyone to pick him up and play with him when he awake and not when he asleep or going to sleep

If you're not happy with the free care them you'll have to find paid care that you're happy with.

Looking after your children is doing you and your husband a big favour.

Sometimes it's appreciation that's missing.

However throwing plates and insults about is not the work of a rational grown up. So maybe paid professional care is more appropriate.

What exactly does your husband say about so this?

Farmerstatia

whelan2 wrote: »

Bring the child with you out to the farm. Coincide it with his sleeps. I have done it. Put him in car seat in car or jeep. It is not ideal but needs must. Are you paying mil for looking after him?

I try to bring him with me as much as possible but when I'm jumping in and out of tractors and walking down fields it's not really possible esp when it's raining but as of now I will have him with me all the time on the farm..thanks for the advice

Farmerstatia

lawred2 wrote: »

If you're not happy with the free care them you'll have to find paid care that you're happy with.

Looking after your children is doing you and your husband a big favour.

Sometimes it's appreciation that's missing.

However throwing plates and insults about is not the work of a rational grown up. So maybe paid professional care is more appropriate.

What exactly does your husband say about so this?

I always said thank you for minding him..I always appreciated it I never gave out to her at all and it's not only our cattle I'm feeding but my in laws cattle also in that space of time she was minding the baby..

My husband made me let the sil see the baby today after she called me a tramp but since I talked to him and explained how belittled I felt over it he understands a bit more..He just wants no division in the family

whelan2

How about timing the feeding of the cattle for when your older son is home. He could look after him then

MissShihTzu

No way would I put up with that. Free childminding or not! Because your MiL minds your baby, it does not give her or your SiL licence to speak to you as they like in your own house. Oh - and the relationship with your mother is none of their bloody business, so for that alone, I would have them without salt!

I would fire them out. Take the baby with you when you work. He's small enough that he can sleep in the car once he's fed and settled, and you could easily work whilst he does. I would also have serious concerns about the care the MiL gives the baby - who in their right mind would leave the little one with a bulging nappy and not change him?? And if they're giving out to you about the food, then I would also question what he is being fed whilst away from you.

If you can't take the little one to work with you, then pay someone to either drop in and mind him whilst you're gone or find a creche. I wouldn't be letting either of them near the child again until they recover their manners.

Oh - And I would also tell your husband to grow a set and stand up to his biatch of a sister. If he's so desperate for her to see the baby, let him take him to his Mum's. She can see him there. I would not be having that woman darken my door again!

Farmerstatia

MissShihTzu wrote: »

No way would I put up with that. Free childminding or not! Because your MiL minds your baby, it does not give her or your SiL licence to speak to you as they like in your own house. Oh - and the relationship with your mother is none of their bloody business, so for that alone, I would have them without salt!

I would fire them out. Take the baby with you when you work. He's small enough that he can sleep in the car once he's fed and settled, and you could easily work whilst he does. I would also have serious concerns about the care the MiL gives the baby - who in their right mind would leave the little one with a bulging nappy and not change him?? And if they're giving out to you about the food, then I would also question what he is being fed whilst away from you.

If you can't take the little one to work with you, then pay someone to either drop in and mind him whilst you're gone or find a creche. I wouldn't be letting either of them near the child again until they recover their manners.

Oh - And I would also tell your husband to grow a set and stand up to his biatch of a sister. If he's so desperate for her to see the baby, let him take him to his Mum's. She can see him there. I would not be having that woman darken my door again!

My husband is not confrontational and just wants peace like us all really....He not happy or impressed with the whole situation..I've told him I'm keeping the door locked and I won't be letting mil in...don't have to worry bout sil cause she gone back to London.

I had a brill relationship with them till the baby has bin born and since that it's just gone down hill...Now a few small tiffs over the years but nothing too major really but since baby it just seems to me that all they want is my husband and baby to themselves don't want me or my older son around at all..

Farmerstatia

whelan2 wrote: »

How about timing the feeding of the cattle for when your older son is home. He could look after him then

When we get the cattle into the sheds that's a perfect solution but at min we have them all out in the fields and they spread right around !!!! I have a baby sling/harness so that will be getting a lot of use plus I won't be doing there feeding for them

valoren

Your husband is the key here. As other's have mentioned he needs to back you up completely and utterly. It sounds to me that he is in denial, doesn't want drama or trouble. That he hasn't been in contact with your SIL after calling you a tramp and lambasting her tells me he is being a doormat, one his mother and sister are happy to exploit. Ask yourself this. Would she have said that if your husband was a no nonsense type, who would be furious that his wife was insulted so disgracefully? There is fertile ground (pardon the pun) for these abusive people to fester and it seems they have. They've gotten away with it and with zero repercussions it will get worse. It is a time of upheaval for you with a new baby and work to be done. Now is not the time for conflict and it looks to me like they've picked their spot so to speak by drawing this up while you are busy.
Minding and caring for an infant is stressful as it is and they ought to know better than to start trouble.

A line was drawn in the sand when the mother went crazy attempting to throw plates, calling her son a 'bastard', a 'c*nt' and attacking you verbally. My own mother was right about me. That's precisely the kind of innuendo such people use to provoke trouble. They'll tease and taunt you into a reaction and then when you explode it all becomes your fault. You become tarnished as the trouble maker whereas in reality you are simply standing up for yourself. You need to explain this pattern of behavior to your husband. He needs to get it in his head that his sister calling you a tramp is not only uncalled for but grounds to cut her out completely. A genuine apology is a minimum expectation from her but I guess you'll be waiting a long time to get it. Your husband needs to speak to her about that.

No doubt she'll either deny saying it or say you are making it up to smear her as a liar. Take it from me, no matter how civil or patient you can be with people like that, they have a deflective excuse and an answer for everything. If she denies it, explain to your husband that his mother called you a 'bastard' and a 'c*nt'' so it's no stretch to imagine his sister calling you a tramp. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

They are never wrong and so apologies are not needed. Your husband needs to trust your word on this and take charge and if there is a stalemate then the necessity to cut people off will be required. It will incur additional expenses, but the peace of mind that your child is cared for and safe coupled with the no stress interactions with a pair of vindictive clowns will be worth it.

Trust me, they will never see their own part in causing you both to do this, as mentioned their deflective excuse will be to place the blame solely on your shoulders. "She turned you against us" etc. They will manipulate him with lies and emotionally blackmail him "We only wanted to help, how could you be so nasty to us?", so be prepared.

Your husband is their immediate family and he will need to contact them with an ultimatum. He can explain that what has been happening over the previous weeks has been unexpected, surprising and disappointing. Explain that he doesn't want to take the decision to deny access to your baby but if there is so much as a hint of trouble and poison from either of them going forward that they will no longer enjoy access to your child and that if they fail to take heed of that warning they will only have themselves to blame, that you as parents do not want your child exposed to such toxic and hot headed behavior. Email it, text it, cc his father so everyone is on the same page. Visit them and say this face to face as well.

It really isn't difficult to interact with adults in a civil and respectful manner. None of us are perfect either. We all act like fools and do and say hurtful things from time to time. The key difference is most of us have the emotional capacity and common sense to apologize for being a fool. The toxic people like these think that calling family 'bastards', 'c*unts' and 'tramps' is acceptable behavior and have no qualms about saying it. After all, there has never been any consequences, they know your husband is a passive door mat and it will continue unless it's confronted.

If there is further trouble (and there likely will be so be prepared), then you'll know they have zero respect for either of you and have no interest in maintaining any semblance of civility. At that juncture, you can both go no contact with your conscience clear safe in the knowledge that you gave them a chance but they didn't take it. When they inevitably start 'hoovering' back with moves to make amends, then stand your ground. They'll play the victims but don't be gullible to fall for it. Go no contact permanently.

Farmerstatia

valoren wrote: »

Your husband is the key here. As other's have mentioned he needs to back you up completely and utterly. It sounds to me that he is in denial, doesn't want drama or trouble. That he hasn't been in contact with your SIL after calling you a tramp and lambasting her tells me he is being a doormat, one his mother and sister are happy to exploit. That's fertile ground (pardon the pun) for abusive people to fester and it seems they have. They've gotten away with it and with zero repercussions it will get worse.

A line was drawn in the sand when the mother went crazy throwing plates and calling her son a 'bastard c*nt'. My own mother was right about me. That's precisely the kind of innuendo such people use to provoke trouble. They'll tease and taunt you into a reaction and then when you explode it all becomes your fault. You need to explain this pattern of behavior to your husband. He needs to get it in his head that his sister calling you a tramp is not only uncalled for but grounds to cut her out completely. A genuine apology is a minimum expectation from her but I guess you'll be waiting a long time to get it. Your husband needs to speak to her about that.

No doubt she'll either deny saying it or say you are making it up to smear her as a liar. Take it from me, no matter how civil or patient you can be with people like that, they have a deflective excuse and an answer for everything. If she denies it, explain to your husband that his mother called you a 'bastard c*nt' so it's no stretch to imagine his sister calling you a tramp. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

They are never wrong and so apologies are not needed. Your husband needs to trust your word on this and take charge and if there is a stalemate then the necessity to cut people off will be required. It will incur additional expenses, but the peace of mind that your child is cared for and safe coupled with the no stress interactions with a pair of vindictive clowns will be worth it.

Trust me, they will never see their own part in causing you both to do this, as mentioned their deflective excuse will be to place the blame solely on your shoulders. "She turned you against us" etc etc.

Your husband is their immediate family and he will need to contact them with an ultimatum. He can explain that what has been happening over the previous weeks has been unexpected, surprising and disappointing. Explain that he doesn't want to take the decision to deny access to your baby but if there is so much as a hint of trouble and poison from either of them going forward that they will no longer enjoy access to your child and that if they fail to take heed of that warning they will only have themselves to blame, that you as parents do not want your child exposed to such toxic and hot headed behavior. Email it, text it, cc his father so everyone is on the same page. Visit them and say this face to face as well.

It really isn't difficult to interact with adults in a civil and respectful manner. Nobody is prefect either. We all act like fools and do hurtful things from time to time. The key difference is most have the emotional capacity and common sense to apologize. The toxic people like these think that calling family 'bastard c*unts' and 'tramps' is acceptable and have no qualms about saying it. After all, there are no consequences, they know your husband is a passive door mat.

If there is further trouble (and there likely will be), then you'll know they have zero respect for either of you. You can both go no contact your conscience clear as they'll have been previously warned to cop themselves on. When they inevitably start hoovering back with moves to make amends, then stand your ground. They'll play the victims but don't be gullible to fall for it. Go no contact permanently.

Thank you f0r the advice I really do appreciate it. You made very valid points which I will be discussing with my husband .

Paddy Cow

Farmerstatia wrote: »

My husband is not confrontational and just wants peace like us all really....He not happy or impressed with the whole situation..I've told him I'm keeping the door locked and I won't be letting mil in...don't have to worry bout sil cause she gone back to London.

I had a brill relationship with them till the baby has bin born and since that it's just gone down hill...Now a few small tiffs over the years but nothing too major really but since baby it just seems to me that all they want is my husband and baby to themselves don't want me or my older son around at all..

Most people don't like confrontation but your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up for his family ie you and the two children. Your MIL and SIL aren't just being confrontational, they're being abusive. As long as your husband lets this behaviour slide, they will only get worse. He needs to put the foot down and put a stop to this. I can't believe that he wanted his sister to see the baby after she called his partner a tramp. I know that if I treated my brother's girlfriend like that he would tear me a new one (not that I would).

Your husband needs to establish clear boundaries. He sounds like his father who just wants a quiet life and buries his head in the sand when the women go off on one. This stands out to me

I feel so bad for my fil cause he didn't say anything but did chat to my husband after and said don't mind them at all

I don't feel sorry for your FIL. "Don't mind them" is what you say when children are squabbling over toys, it's not something you say when grown women are being abusive. He's dismissing their behaviour and by default is belittling your feelings.

There is a clear cycle here. FIL pretends nothing bad is happening for a quiet life so says nothing. Husband wants a quiet life and instead of standing up to his mother and sister is expecting you to put up with their behaviour for a quiet life. Is this the example you want to set for your own kids?

As someone else said, the main problem here is your husband. He needs to man up and tell those two wagons to cut the crap. Until he does that you are fighting a losing battle.

Teyla Emmagan

They sound horrific. There is no way I would stand for anyone carrying on like that in my house. And no way I would let someone near my child if they spoke go me like that. Are they absolute savages? That's appalling abusive language, not to mention the violence and disrespect towards you. I would refuse to let them near my family if I were you. No matter how hard it is to bring a baby farming it would be better than being beholden to that woman and having her feel like your baby is an object for her to show around as she likes. I would not open the door to either of them again to be honest.

spaceHopper

I get it, you can't fit the farm work in when your baby is asleep, the cattle have a time table and he has one to. I would be very careful bringing him with you while you work. That could be used against you, they could say you are exposing your son to danger or risk.

I'd call what your MIL and SIL did bullying, give it a name it will shame them and make them think twice.

Talk to your husband and see if your Father in Law can help you feed the cattle or even spend time in your house with his grandchild, let him know it's not that hard he'll be fine, as you said some of them are his cattle. Or else can he do the farm work even if it was just two or three days. Can you get a local farm hand to do it. Or a local lady to come up and mind the baby while you do it. Maybe push it out to 4 hours one morning so that you can do the family shop or even just get some head space for yourself. I know it's extra money but it might be worth it for the peace and quite.

I'd tell the MIL yes because of her bullying from now on you are stopping her seeing the child, until she's given you a honest apology she's not welcome in your home and even after that you will need time to get over her behaviour - things might never be the same between you but that's her own fault. Same applies to SIL. From then on if you say no - it's because you have a good reason and they will have to accept it.

Farmerstatia

So I chatted briefly to my husband and I told him I felt s0 belittled and undermined by him allowing sil to see baby before she jetted off ..
He understands where i are coming from and is ashamed of himself that he didn't consider me in it at all.

When he comes back from his trip he a lorry driver we will hash it out and set down the rules regarding our sons..
Tbh though they only want the baby and not the 13 yo but that is another kettle of fish..

This is not really the first outburst either of them have had but is the worst by far and I'm not saying this lightly but I want the mil to see and get mental health advice etc before and if ever she sees the kids again cause I honestly think she needs help.

They are both bullies I know but I honestly think it's something more with the mil.
With the sil I think she is just a drama queen used to getting all her own way and That she is jealous of what I have and That she doesn't have any of that.
But anyway thanks all for the advice it did help ..I'll post what the outcome and direction we are taking when himself comes home!

WarpAsylum

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I don't feel sorry for your FIL. "Don't mind them" is what you say when children are squabbling over toys, it's not something you say when grown women are being abusive. He's dismissing their behaviour and by default is belittling your feelings.

There is a clear cycle here. FIL pretends nothing bad is happening for a quiet life so says nothing. Husband wants a quiet life and instead of standing up to his mother and sister is expecting you to put up with their behaviour for a quiet life. Is this the example you want to set for your own kids?

Either that, or the poor man is in an abusive relationship. But that's neither here nor there in relation to the OP, that just stood out to me.

LirW

I'm keeping it quite simple: get a professional childminder/crèche to have the baby for 3 hours a day. The money is worth the peace of mind, you can always move on from a professional service if you're unhappy with it, not the same with relatives though.
You don't trust them around the baby, there's no point in forcing it, chances are they simply won't tell you anymore if anything is wrong because it could blow up again.
Not worth the hassle.

banoffe2

you mind yourself OP - the behaviour and comments of the MIL and SIL are a reflection on them and not on you. Don't give them the power to hurt you just because they are hurting themselves

Congratulations on the gift of your beautiful baby, cherish what you have and try to focus out of the negative energy, not easy but it can be done. X