Single father/Bitter Ex/ Access? Any advice appreciated.

BigJay

I'm 25 and have a daughter that is nearly 3 years old with my now ex girlfriend. We have been broken up basically since my child has been born. A lot has happened in those 3 years. But she basically has made my life nothing but hardship since we broke up.

It started when I got a job in a fast food place right after my daughter was born because I knew I needed to provide for her. I was making roughly 350 a week and paying 50 maintenance. Then after a while my ex said she needed another 50 so I gave it to her for few months because I thought my child needed it.this was cash in hand to as I was none the wiser knew nothing about legal stuff or anything just thought was doing the right thing.

I soon found out it was way more than what people usually pay for maintenance and have since sorted it all.
I always had to go see my kid at her parents house. Everything was always on her terms. We would end up arguing and I wouldn't see my daughter for a few weeks or months because I couldn't be around her or her family. She would constantly put things up about me on Facebook. She would call me in work telling me the child's sick or she at doctors to leave work and come over. Even half the time there was no need for me to be there. She would over exaggerate things. Tell me I'm basically not for to be a father just put me down about being a dad.

She tried to get a safety order against me which judge threw out. Then applied for another and we were getting on at the time so I forgot all about it. Then she would argue with me over text calling names and I'd call her names but of course because she had a safety order requested she was granted it because she showed our text argument in court.

I said to my solicitor I can't be around her anymore how can I see my child because the family law granted her supervised access months before she got me arrested or put in prison so I was scared to be near her but I was told the only way I'd see my daughter atm is if I stay going to access. I know bring a witness every week.

The safety order was put in place for two years and ever since that she has got me arrested 3 times over making false accusations. And only recently got me falsely imprisoned in a remand prison for 3 days and only for cctv footage and being caught out on lies in court I would have been put in prison for 3 months.

I have only currently finished all my court dates for the all her false claims and arrest of me which thank God the judge seen were lies and dismissed the cases. This was some of the most stressful things iv ever had to go through especially going to prison.

My access is currently every Thursday and sunday for 3 hours in a public area. Until I go back in December to try get my own time with my child. I just feel like I can't live my life with this girl I constantly get anxious when I'm near her or get a message off her about my child.
I feel like I can't do anything with my life because she will go mad.
She says she is in fear of me and got me arrested but yet wants me to spend more time with our kid even though she caused all of this.

There is so many more things she has done but I can't make this any longer than it is. I just constantly have anxiety about this and I see other separated couples where the man gets there kid every second weekend and they have no problems. I just don't know if it's bad that it would be easier if I asked for access every second weekend or even if the court will grant me that.

I just feel like she is out to ruin my life since we broke up she seems so bitter and I just don't want to be near her after December. The stress nd anxiety of what she done and is still doing is killing me. Its getting to the stage where I feel like I need to walk away. I don't want to abondone my child but if the courts don't give me my own access. After all her lies I don't know what to do. Iv had to do parenting courses and anger management courses and everything that I didn't even need to do.

She has knocked me completely and just want to know has anyone else sealy with a toxic ex like this.
Sorry for such a long story btw and that it's kind of all over the place but I didn't even know where to start. i just feel lost.

singledad1979

Really sorry to hear your story. I can only offer a few pointers on how to communicate with difficult people. None of it is rocket science but it does work but you have to be consistent.
1. Think of your child first all the time. If an argument erupts when the child is there just take a breath, say that this is not helpful for the child and leave the situation
2. Communicate only by email. If she texts/WhatsApp you etc unless it is an emergency don't reply by text. Make a note of it and email her later with your reply. Or better still if there is no reply needed don't reply. Set up a new email account only for her.
3. Try and sort out your access formally/legally.

4. Get a note pad and record everything. Refusal of access, money you spend on your daughter, who was there on your access, abusive texts, everything. This information will likely never be seen in court but will allow you to demonstrate key points to your solicitor and if a judge does request to see your diary it will show you are organised and really care for your child.
5. If you say you are going to do something (access/payments/trips/school etc) make sure you follow through.

6. Turn up for your access at the agreed time and place (irrespective of the extended family/your ex). Your child needs to see you and you to be in her life. Make it as pleasant as you can.
7. Try and pick your battles. Toxic people thrive on conflict. So if there is a small issue (being 15 mins late for example) just take in on the chin, record it and enjoy your time. The conflict is a source of food for these people so starve them.
8. This should be higher up the list but get a good counsellor. Accord are very good and cheap. Make time for this each week. The constant conflict is draining and being able to offload to an impartial person will help I promise.

The most important pieces of advice I can offer you is take care of yourself and be consistent. DO what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. It is hard now and it will get easier I promise. Please go see a counsellor (if you aren't already). You sound like you would really benefit from it. I know I did and still do. I too have a toxic ex (Message me privately if you want some more detailed information on how I coped)

TheBoyConor

Set up an email account for her to communicate with you about issues to do with the child and access etc. Nothing else. All communication should go through this and don't respond or entertain any "out of scope" topics she might raise on it.

Then block and delete her from your phone and any social media.

Honour your visitation and maintenance obligations but do not engage her in conversation or arguments. As said, she is a drama queen and feeds off of drama. Starve her out of it.

JustMe,K

I really cant stand people who use their kids as pawns.

Maintenance should be paid directly into an account in her or the childs name so there is no dispute over what you are or are not paying.

When you go back to court for more access, make sure you deal with birthdays, christmas, easter, holidays etc at the time and have it all written into the access order there and then.

If you can have a separate phone to deal with your ex from its helpful also because you can just switch off when you need to.

Foggy Jew

singledad1979 wrote: »

Really sorry to hear your story. I can only offer a few pointers on how to communicate with difficult people. None of it is rocket science but it does work but you have to be consistent.
1. Think of your child first all the time. If an argument erupts when the child is there just take a breath, say that this is not helpful for the child and leave the situation
2. Communicate only by email. If she texts/WhatsApp you etc unless it is an emergency don't reply by text. Make a note of it and email her later with your reply. Or better still if there is no reply needed don't reply. Set up a new email account only for her.
3. Try and sort out your access formally/legally.

4. Get a note pad and record everything. Refusal of access, money you spend on your daughter, who was there on your access, abusive texts, everything. This information will likely never be seen in court but will allow you to demonstrate key points to your solicitor and if a judge does request to see your diary it will show you are organised and really care for your child.
5. If you say you are going to do something (access/payments/trips/school etc) make sure you follow through.

6. Turn up for your access at the agreed time and place (irrespective of the extended family/your ex). Your child needs to see you and you to be in her life. Make it as pleasant as you can.
7. Try and pick your battles. Toxic people thrive on conflict. So if there is a small issue (being 15 mins late for example) just take in on the chin, record it and enjoy your time. The conflict is a source of food for these people so starve them.
8. This should be higher up the list but get a good counsellor. Accord are very good and cheap. Make time for this each week. The constant conflict is draining and being able to offload to an impartial person will help I promise.

The most important pieces of advice I can offer you is take care of yourself and be consistent. DO what you say you are going to do when you say you are going to do it. It is hard now and it will get easier I promise. Please go see a counsellor (if you aren't already). You sound like you would really benefit from it. I know I did and still do. I too have a toxic ex (Message me privately if you want some more detailed information on how I coped)

Sound advice!!

Maxbing

BigJay wrote: »

I'm 25 and have a daughter that is nearly 3 years old with my now ex girlfriend. We have been broken up basically since my child has been born. A lot has happened in those 3 years. But she basically has made my life nothing but hardship since we broke up.

It started when I got a job in a fast food place right after my daughter was born because I knew I needed to provide for her. I was making roughly 350 a week and paying 50 maintenance. Then after a while my ex said she needed another 50 so I gave it to her for few months because I thought my child needed it.this was cash in hand to as I was none the wiser knew nothing about legal stuff or anything just thought was doing the right thing.

I soon found out it was way more than what people usually pay for maintenance and have since sorted it all.
I always had to go see my kid at her parents house. Everything was always on her terms. We would end up arguing and I wouldn't see my daughter for a few weeks or months because I couldn't be around her or her family. She would constantly put things up about me on Facebook. She would call me in work telling me the child's sick or she at doctors to leave work and come over. Even half the time there was no need for me to be there. She would over exaggerate things. Tell me I'm basically not for to be a father just put me down about being a dad.

She tried to get a safety order against me which judge threw out. Then applied for another and we were getting on at the time so I forgot all about it. Then she would argue with me over text calling names and I'd call her names but of course because she had a safety order requested she was granted it because she showed our text argument in court.

I said to my solicitor I can't be around her anymore how can I see my child because the family law granted her supervised access months before she got me arrested or put in prison so I was scared to be near her but I was told the only way I'd see my daughter atm is if I stay going to access. I know bring a witness every week.

The safety order was put in place for two years and ever since that she has got me arrested 3 times over making false accusations. And only recently got me falsely imprisoned in a remand prison for 3 days and only for cctv footage and being caught out on lies in court I would have been put in prison for 3 months.

I have only currently finished all my court dates for the all her false claims and arrest of me which thank God the judge seen were lies and dismissed the cases. This was some of the most stressful things iv ever had to go through especially going to prison.

My access is currently every Thursday and sunday for 3 hours in a public area. Until I go back in December to try get my own time with my child. I just feel like I can't live my life with this girl I constantly get anxious when I'm near her or get a message off her about my child.
I feel like I can't do anything with my life because she will go mad.
She says she is in fear of me and got me arrested but yet wants me to spend more time with our kid even though she caused all of this.

There is so many more things she has done but I can't make this any longer than it is. I just constantly have anxiety about this and I see other separated couples where the man gets there kid every second weekend and they have no problems. I just don't know if it's bad that it would be easier if I asked for access every second weekend or even if the court will grant me that.

I just feel like she is out to ruin my life since we broke up she seems so bitter and I just don't want to be near her after December. The stress nd anxiety of what she done and is still doing is killing me. Its getting to the stage where I feel like I need to walk away. I don't want to abondone my child but if the courts don't give me my own access. After all her lies I don't know what to do. Iv had to do parenting courses and anger management courses and everything that I didn't even need to do.

She has knocked me completely and just want to know has anyone else sealy with a toxic ex like this.
Sorry for such a long story btw and that it's kind of all over the place but I didn't even know where to start. i just feel lost.

I'm alot older than you, I live alone, my 2 kids are doing ok but are abroad, basically I ring them but hardly ever see them. And to cap it all I have some serious health issues. I have enough money but everything else is ****.th

And this is as a result of sticking around instead of forgetting about it all and walking away. You have buckets of time on your side. Forget about this butch. She'll never change. I can state that as a fact.. Grab your life back. Nobody will ever thank you for being a martyr.