Passed on an STI and I’m overwhelmed with guilt

Whitethread

I have herpes and I passed it on to someone and the guilt is killing me.

I entered into a relationship with someone with depression and anxiety but before we slept together I told him about the herpes, I told him that it can be hard to live with and how I struggled with my diagnosis, but he liked me and I liked him a lot so he took his chances. Unfortunately the relationship broke down after time, and he had also developed herpes by this stage.

Since the relationship ended he has told me that what I did was wreckless and unfair and that I’ve ruined his chances of having another relationship or even being able to have a family. He said I infected him then left.

I was up front and he consented at the time but I am absolutely wracked with guilt because I should’ve known better than to pass this on to someone who already had their own issues. I am just devastated that I passed on this hideous virus. The only time I feel better now is when I drink, which I’ve started to do heavily every night. I feel so low and I want this terrible guilt and shame to go away. Please don’t be too hard on me with this as I’m really struggling.

never_mind

OP, Herpes is not a death sentence and he knew very well what he was getting into. He is not some child you some how manipulated into sleeping with you. I was given multiple STDs (including warts that I had several operations on) by partners through the years - it’s the risk you take and you were upfront and open.

Let him deal with this issue himself - this is not your cross to bear.

woodchuck

OP you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were completely up front about it and he made the decision to take the risk. He's regretting it now and taking it out on you, which is completely unfair.

Emme

OP you were upfront and told him about your diagnosis. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Could you go to your local well woman clinic or an understanding GP? Tell them what happened and see if they can recommend counselling.

leggo

I'm red flagging the word "left" there. Is it possible he's trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty and coming back to him? Because OP, as others have said, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. And if my suspicions are correct, not only should you not feel guilty, you should feel proud of making a really good call and getting rid of this lad.

Whatever about the herpes, that's a ****ty hand life has dealt you, but in the decisions you can control you've handled everything perfectly and shouldn't feel like you've done a single thing wrong.

GingerLily

https://m.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/health-features/you-can-still-pass-on-herpes-even-if-you-are-practicing-safe-sex-irish-doctor-on-the-common-virus-herpes-simplex-36016090.html

Ignore the Usher part, 80% if Irish people have been exposed to it, so many people have this virus or have been exposed to it, it's ridiculously common. If it was a different STD I would possibly be more critical but this virus is everywhere, don't beat yourself up about it, you were open and honest and he accepted the risks.

seamus

For whatever reason, he's trying to pass on the blame to you, and he has succeeded. Maybe he's trying to feel better by blaming someone else but himself, maybe he's trying to guilt you into coming back, who knows.

The only thing you have to remember is that this is neither your problem nor your fault. You were more upfront and honest about this than anyone would normally be.

You say it yourself - "he took his chances". It's difficult to see how you can be the one who is reckless, as if engaging in sexual contact was entirely down to you.

He was reckless. But clearly he's unwilling to accept that.

You have not ruined anyone's life. This is not your fault.

Ensure that he can no longer poison your mind - remove him from all social media, block his number(s) - and move on with your own life. We can only be responsible for our own actions, not for the actions of others.

If you just can't shake it, then counselling might be the way forward.

smelly sock

Its Herpes not Aids. FFS.

BattleCorp

Whitethread wrote: »

The only time I feel better now is when I drink, which I’ve started to do heavily every night.

Forget about feeling guilty, you gave him the full facts and he was happy enough to continue the relationship.

Secondly, please get help if you are drinking to excess. Don't delay, do something about this today please.

LegacyUser

It’s not the big deal either of you’ve built it up to be. He could have gotten it elsewhere for all you know. You could have passed it on unknown to self or unwittingly if you hadn’t been diagnosed. You were upfront he knew the story. Stop beating self up STDs are fact of life and can be passed even with protection. Literally the only way they can be avoided is celibacy. Enjoy the rest of your life, love life and sex life. Don’t let a bitter ex ruin you.

professore

Quite frankly depression and anxiety aren't his problem, being a dick is. He knew you had herpes and had sex with you, you were honest and upfront with him. He sounds like he never takes responsibility for his own actions. Forget about him and live your life.

sj_jj

You couldnt have been more honest OP so stop feeling guilty. If he told you he had herpes and you consented to sex knowing theres a high chance you could get it, then you in fact did contract it would that be your own responsibility to protect yourself no?

Plus, what is to say he wont meet someone else have a random night of passion and end up with Syphilis? Happens all the time so stop beating yourself up over it

antix80

Time to move on op. It's not your problem any more.

Spencer Winterbotham

I would love to see the responses to this if the genders were reversed.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Spencer Winterbotham, please note that generalisations about men and women are not welcome in PI. You should only post if you have advice for the OP.

BattleCorp

Spencer Winterbotham wrote: »

I would love to see the responses to this if the genders were reversed.

The OP was upfront and honest at the outset of the relationship. She told him that she had herpes. He began a sexual relationship with the OP knowing that she had the virus. He knew full well in advance of any sexual activity taking place that he was taking a risk and he went ahead anyway. That's why posters on here are sympathetic with the OP. She didn't trick him into sleeping with her.
I can't see the advice being any different if the roles were reversed.