Friends in relationships- I'm not and I seem to be forgotten

LegacyUser

I find myself in a predicament at the moment that I am unsure of where to go next or what to do. I'm 32 and in the last two months all of my friends have become settled down and I'm the only single one amongst a few different groups of friends.
This comes with it's own issues as I find myself increasingly lonely and down about things, both my own single status and the fact that I find myself on my own at weekends with nobody to go for even a coffee with. I live quite rurally so it's not that easy to join groups and clubs but I have met up with a group from girl crew but it's over an hour of a drive and there is nothing more local to me. There is a group of girls planning a weekend away soon and I am going to join that group and hopefully it will lead to more.
Slowly over the past six months I have watched every one of my friends settle down and while I am genuinely delighted for them, part of me wonders if they could make a greater effort to keep the friendship going. One friend in particular was someone who I have been quite close to and she would text me during the week and we would make plans for the weekend whether it was going to the cinema or going hiking. She is the last of my friends to be single and since she met her boyfriend over the last few months, she has no interest in meeting at weekends anymore and I hear from her very rarely.

I understand that when people meet boyfriends and settle down that things change and there is less time for friendships but part of me wonders if my friends could make more of an effort. I wouldn't even dream of asking them to go on a night out as I know what the answer would be but it just seems that in the space of less than a year, they don't even have time for even a walk or meeting up for lunch. This probably comes across as bitter and petty and that I am jealous and I'd be the first to admit that I probably am. It is hard watching all of your friends pair off and being the one left there. One of them asked what I was doing for New Year's Eve and while I hadn't thought of it again, I will probably be sitting in on my own or else booking a night away. I have booked two nights away for myself in February as I put up in our groups if anyone was interested in going away and when they weren't I went and booked myself. The friends who weren't interested in going away are the same ones who asked me "why I was going on my own", and "is there nobody else who would go with you".

I realise it is a difficult situation and there isn't much else I can do apart from keep myself busy and do my own thing. It does upset me that these friends seem to have moved on and I'm the one left behind. Part of me would love to mention something to them but how do I do that without coming across as bitter and jealous? If I said something to them they'd probably only be making an effort with me then because they feel they have to, not that they want to. I probably come across as pathetic writing this and I am trying to make changes in my life to make it easier to meet new people and have been looking at changing jobs as my job at the moment doesn't allow that. It's not like I am sitting around doing nothing except moaning but I just find the situation quite upsetting and would like to deal better with it.

PawneeRanger

OP, I feel for you. I have been in your shoes more than once and it's crap.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns here and tell your friends how you're feeling. It can be very easy to get swept up in the early days of a new relationship but an effort should still be made to maintain friendships, particularly at your age (I'm assuming your friends are around your age?).

I've been with my partner for almost 15 years and we both make sure that time is made for our friends, both separately and together. Conversely, I had a very close friend completely disappear last year due to her relationship. It's unfortunate and sad and I did try to discuss it with her but she didn't want to put any effort into the friendship so I left it be.

Suggest that night out with your friends and if you don't get any takers tell them that you feel like you haven't seen them in ages and you'd love to catch up. It doesn't need to be a big confrontation or an argument, just be honest about how you feel. You miss your friends. I know it can be emotionally draining to feel like you're always doing the asking and the rejection can be very hurtful but, if the relationships are quite new, then I do think some leeway should be given.

That being said, don't be taken for a mug and if you're still getting nowhere after you've told them how you feel you may need to walk away. In my experience, they usually come back after a while, either because the relationship has ended or because they realise that there is life beyond their partner. It would be up to you then to decide if you welcome them back.

Joining GirlCrew is a great idea and well done for taking that step. It can be so hard as we get older to put ourselves out there to make new friends despite their being so many in the same boat. Take this weekend away with the group as an opportunity to build some more friendships beyond your current ones.

Best of luck OP.

Ellie2008

changingtimes wrote: »

I find myself in a predicament at the moment that I am unsure of where to go next or what to do. I'm 32 and in the last two months all of my friends have become settled down and I'm the only single one amongst a few different groups of friends.
This comes with it's own issues as I find myself increasingly lonely and down about things, both my own single status and the fact that I find myself on my own at weekends with nobody to go for even a coffee with. I live quite rurally so it's not that easy to join groups and clubs but I have met up with a group from girl crew but it's over an hour of a drive and there is nothing more local to me. There is a group of girls planning a weekend away soon and I am going to join that group and hopefully it will lead to more.
Slowly over the past six months I have watched every one of my friends settle down and while I am genuinely delighted for them, part of me wonders if they could make a greater effort to keep the friendship going. One friend in particular was someone who I have been quite close to and she would text me during the week and we would make plans for the weekend whether it was going to the cinema or going hiking. She is the last of my friends to be single and since she met her boyfriend over the last few months, she has no interest in meeting at weekends anymore and I hear from her very rarely.

I understand that when people meet boyfriends and settle down that things change and there is less time for friendships but part of me wonders if my friends could make more of an effort. I wouldn't even dream of asking them to go on a night out as I know what the answer would be but it just seems that in the space of less than a year, they don't even have time for even a walk or meeting up for lunch. This probably comes across as bitter and petty and that I am jealous and I'd be the first to admit that I probably am. It is hard watching all of your friends pair off and being the one left there. One of them asked what I was doing for New Year's Eve and while I hadn't thought of it again, I will probably be sitting in on my own or else booking a night away. I have booked two nights away for myself in February as I put up in our groups if anyone was interested in going away and when they weren't I went and booked myself. The friends who weren't interested in going away are the same ones who asked me "why I was going on my own", and "is there nobody else who would go with you".

I realise it is a difficult situation and there isn't much else I can do apart from keep myself busy and do my own thing. It does upset me that these friends seem to have moved on and I'm the one left behind. Part of me would love to mention something to them but how do I do that without coming across as bitter and jealous? If I said something to them they'd probably only be making an effort with me then because they feel they have to, not that they want to. I probably come across as pathetic writing this and I am trying to make changes in my life to make it easier to meet new people and have been looking at changing jobs as my job at the moment doesn't allow that. It's not like I am sitting around doing nothing except moaning but I just find the situation quite upsetting and would like to deal better with it.

I’m very sorry OP. It’s really admirable that you are honest about feeling jealous. However, don’t be too hard on yourself. I would be annoyed if I were you, your friends were happy to spend time with you until they each found a man, it doesn’t suggest that they value your friendship. It’s a classic mistake on their part & one which they may regret.

In my view friendships are to be cherished. I love spending time with my friends as does my OH. A lot of my parent’s friends are alone coming into old age & their friends are very important to them. I can’t imagine where some of them would be if they had only spent time with their OH. Plus they have shared many experiences throughout the years.

My advice is to put yourself out there & arrange something like a lunch or dinner out. I’d phrase it haven’t seen you guys in ages, I’d love to catch up!
If you bring it up be honest, tell them you are a bit lonely & while you completely understand that they are in relationships you would love to see a bit more of them.

If I understand your post correctly did you say one of your friends has been in a relationship for months & already you see less of her?! Maybe it’s the feminist in me but I can’t help but sigh inwardly at that!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things & by the sounds of things you sound change jobs. A move to a more urban area would open up other possibilities. Also, keep in mind you are not alone, if you were Girlcrew wouldn’t be as successful as it is!

santana75

OP I think you may have seen your friends true character by whats happened and often in life this is the case, that when it comes right down to it, when someone gets what they want i.e. they are loved up in a relationship, they will forget about everyone else. I think the only thing you can do is wish them well and let them go. Dont try to hold onto them, they've made their decision and you have to look after your own life now. Dont allow bitterness to poison you because then you lose double time. I know its a kick in the teeth, you think you have a tight group of loyal friends but when it comes right down to it, they left you hanging. Its not nice and all you can do is never be that person to anyone. Be loyal and honorable, and if others arent these things then leave them to it.
You'll be ok. If you are a good friend and a decent person then things will work out, have faith in yourself and dont worry.

Ellie2008

santana75 wrote: »

OP I think you may have seen your friends true character by whats happened and often in life this is the case, that when it comes right down to it, when someone gets what they want i.e. they are loved up in a relationship, they will forget about everyone else. I think the only thing you can do is wish them well and let them go. Dont try to hold onto them, they've made their decision and you have to look after your own life now. Dont allow bitterness to poison you because then you lose double time. I know its a kick in the teeth, you think you have a tight group of loyal friends but when it comes right down to it, they left you hanging. Its not nice and all you can do is never be that person to anyone. Be loyal and honorable, and if others arent these things then leave them to it.
You'll be ok. If you are a good friend and a decent person then things will work out, have faith in yourself and dont worry.

I’d echo a lot of this, I agree that in a way it seems your friends almost used you to fill a stop-gap until they met a man. In my experience men tend not to drop their friends when they enter a relationship as easily as a lot of women do. I think that’s really sad.

That said, I find most people are far from perfect. I wouldn’t be inclined to completely exclude these girls from your life but rather downgrade them to acquaintances you can meet up with from time to time. But your primary focus should be moving on yourself & in a non-bitter way don’t go out of your way for one of those girls again. I like the phrase/motto - holding a grudge is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to die. So I would try to let any anger about the situation go, but don’t let them fool you twice as such either.

zapper55

It's lousy behaviour from your friends. I think it shows awful insecurity on their part that they can't bare to be away from their man.

One of my friends experienced this with another group of friends. I wanted to shake some sense into them.

When I've been in a relationship I've made sure to keep meeting my friends. Most of my friends are married/have kids and they still make the effort. I don't think it's jealously on your part at all.

Ellie2008

zapper55 wrote: »

It's lousy behaviour from your friends. I think it shows awful insecurity on their part that they can't bare to be away from their man.

One of my friends experienced this with another group of friends. I wanted to shake some sense into them.

When I've been in a relationship I've made sure to keep meeting my friends. Most of my friends are married/have kids and they still make the effort. I don't think it's jealously on your part at all.

I’d say something more than insecurity. A lack of self-worth perhaps? It is as you said lousy behavior & I really really hate when women behave like this. I love my OH but I’ve no wish to ditch my friends & he’s off like roadrunner when he gets a chance to spend time with his.

OP your story is not uncommon. I’ve been ditched by friends in different circumstances & it hurts like hell. I dont think I’ve been ditched for a relationship, or I can’t remember, but it’s not uncommon. It does as I said really annoy me in this day & age are women so desperate for a man that when they land their prize they ditch their previous life? Do they really place so little value on other women’s company? Grrr.

Birdsong

changingtimes wrote:

I wouldn't even dream of asking them to go on a night out as I know what the answer would be

I think this is a little unfair to your friends to be honest. Why don't you take the I have bull by the horns and suggest meeting for brunch or coffee at the weekends. I'm sure they'd be well up for it.

You have to take some control in the relationship you have with your friends & if you consider it worth maintaining.

witchgirl26

OP you say this has happened in the past couple of months. I know, from both sides of the fence, that the first couple of months in relationships for people are all about the relationship and less about the friendships. It's a bit crappy, course, but it does settle down then. It's tough when it seems to be all your friends at once but I don't think it's being done out of malice towards you, rather just not thinking.

Birdsong is right - have a chat to them and ask them for a night out. You don't know for sure what the answer would be. They might love the idea of a night out with just friends but have been in the bubble so much they haven't thought of it themselves. Tell them how you're feeling, if they're real friends, they'll completely understand and make more of an effort.

You won't come across bitter or jealous at all if you say that while you're so happy for them, you do miss sometimes meeting up with them for lunch or a walk. That's not jealous at all, that's honesty and genuine. You don't sound like you begrudge them the relationships or the happiness from them but you do sound like you've completely resigned yourself to the fact that because of those relationships, you don't have those friendships anymore. That doesn't have to be the case. The friend who asked you what you were doing for New Years might have been reaching out.

Emme

OP your friends sound really insecure. They are probably hanging onto their new partners for dear life and don't want anyone or anything to get in the way. They certainly wouldn't want to introduce an attractive female friend to their new partners.

If they're going to be like that forget about them. One or more of them will come crawling back when their relationship breaks down and they want a single wingwoman to go on the pull with. Don't be that wingwoman.

I would say join a meetup group but if you're in a rural area that might not be so easy. Rural life is really tough, particularly if you're a single woman over 30. People can be really ignorant and backward in their attitudes in rural Ireland. Could you consider changing job and moving to a place where there are more opportunities to socialise?

witchgirl26

Emme wrote: »

OP your friends sound really insecure. They are probably hanging onto their new partners for dear life and don't want anyone or anything to get in the way. They certainly wouldn't want to introduce an attractive female friend to their new partners.

If they're going to be like that forget about them. One or more of them will come crawling back when their relationship breaks down and they want a single wingwoman to go on the pull with. Don't be that wingwoman.

God that's a bit much! There's no evidence of that at all in the OP's post that the friends are really insecure and terrified to let their partner out of their site. And the comment about crawling back is just mean. There's nothing to say that these relationships won't last. And maybe the OP doesn't want to just "forget about" her friends.

Seriously, the OP needs to have a chat to her friends as maybe it's a case that some, especially those only recently in relationships, haven't noticed that they haven't met up as often or been as available as they used to be. It happens. People's lives change. But unless the OP actually makes a move and talks to them or invites them out (without automatically assuming they'll say no) then course the friendship will fail.

Is it fun to be the one who has to do the organising and asking when you're the single one and others are in relationships? No of course not. I've been there. I talked to my friends. They felt terrible and efforts were made on both sides - theirs to meet more often and mine to understand that the friendship was no longer priority number 1.

SusieBlue

I think everyone is being really unfair to the friends here, particularly the comment about not them wanting to introduce an attractive single female to the new boyfriends :eek:
Suggesting they are insecure is just nasty.

I've also been on both sides of this and can completely sympathise, its a really cr*p situation.
But you need to take some personal responsibility here too. They are your friends and you love them and they you. They won't know you feel like this unless you tell them.
Talk to them about how you're feeling.
I guarantee it isn't even intentional on their part, and there certainly isn't any malice in it, they're just wrapped up in the honeymoon love bubble and can't see beyond that.
If you won't even suggest meeting up, how can you expect them to know how upset you are?

Explain how you feel and ask to organise a brunch/coffee/whatever outing. Hopefully they will see where you are coming from and will make more of an effort and be more sensitive to your situation.
If not, then at least you'll know where you stand with them and can be rid of them.

For what its worth, when I starting going out with my last boyfriend, one of my only single friends completely dropped me.
I was suddenly extremely boring now that I was no longer single, every time I asked her to go to the cinema or for dinner etc. she was busy or wouldn't reply.
She had absolutely no interest in being my friend any more. Three years later when the relationship ended, she was all over me like a rash again.
So it works both ways.

December2012

You've got some great advice already, so just to add...


It's not your friends fault you live in a remote place with not much to do. It's not your fault. But it just is what it is. It's therefore not your friends fault that youre lonely.

As you said you're trying girl crew so it's up to you to fill your time.

When your friend asked about new years eve, could you have made a plan with them? Your friends think you have other friends (as evidenced by their thoughts that you've got somebody to go away with).

Are they all hanging out in a group without you? Is there a way to socialise with them, their partners and friends?

Why not just ask them to hang out? Maybr they yhink youre happy doing yoir own thing. What have you got to lose?