Single ad infinitum

LegacyUser

Happy Friday all. 39 year old male here. So last night I had to send yet another “sorry I don’t see this going anywhere” message to someone I went on a few dates with. I’ve been single for 5 years now and this seems to be a recurring theme. Using the dating apps, I’ve never had a problem getting dates, but out of the dozens of dates I’ve been on, I’ve probably only been properly attracted to 2 of them, and they didn’t work out because they weren't into me!

I have tried giving it a chance with a few girls and maybe seen them for a month or two, but eventually it becomes clear I’m just not into it. Even with sex, I don’t think I’ve really enjoyed sex with anyone in the last 5 years. It’s all just been booze enhanced fumbles or going through the motions with someone I didn’t fancy. I was seeing a great girl this year for a few months, but eventually I was avoiding sex and had to tell her I wasn’t into her. I thought I was at the start though, at least a bit. She was upset, but she kind of knew all along, and we’re on good terms now. On paper she was perfect, she liked me with my faults and all. But I just wasn’t feeling it.

So what are you supposed to do? I guess I’ve had 2 proper relationships in my life, and I was totally besotted and fancied the hell out of them when we met. That amazing life affirming feeling when you’re getting to know them and falling in love etc. I guess I don’t seem to be able to settle for less than that. Is that normal? Or am I just being way too choosy? I’m well aware of my flaws and I don’t think I’m God’s Gift or anything but I can’t just go through the motions if I’m not feeling proper chemistry.

Otherwise my life is really good. I’m doing well at work, I own my own house and I’ve no baggage whatsoever. I have hobbies and good friends. I am not in any circles where there are opportunities to meet women however, and most of my friends are coupled up already.
I’m jacking in the dating apps, deleted them this morning. So I’ve come around to accepting I may be single for the rest of my life, and I’m kind of ok with that. I’m just wondering if I’m doing anything wrong, or what I could be doing if I wanted to meet someone. Sorry I know this is a bit of a stream of consciousness but I’m starting to feel like a bit of an oddball, when nearly everyone I know has found their partner but it just doesn’t seem to happen for me.

Am I the only one out there??

ginandtonicsky

Where and how did you meet your exes? Is it a method you can repeat somehow?

E.G if it was through friends - can you look to your wider social circle to people in your peripheral that you kind of know and that may be single? If through college - can you take up some classes, befriend some women with no expectations, see if there's anyone that catches your eye there? etc etc

If the initial "wow" is important to you and you're not getting it through online dating, try other avenues. Think about the women who currently are catching your eye. Figure out if they're single. Find ways of approaching "in real life" when there's someone right there that you fancy. Who do you currently fancy?

I know it's not the "done" thing in Ireland, but clearly the dating app thing isn't doing anything for you, so be open to trying other avenues. The "friends" route can work well, slowly building up to asking someone out by getting to know them casually and without that dating pressure first.

Try not to become too negative about dating, because the danger there is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and the pattern continues. Remember that it's a numbers game! You just don't know when you're going to click with someone and it usually happens entirely unexpectedly.

I feel your pain though. I'm single about a year after a long-term relationship, and while I've had interest from lots of guys it never seems to be the ones I actually fancy! (Which are few and far between)

Just remember - it happened twice before, so it can absolutely happen again. You just have to continue to put yourself out there and stay resilient!

LegacyUser

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Where and how did you meet your exes? Is it a method you can repeat somehow?

I met one backpacking in Chile, and the other on a nightlink. I've been backpacking and on nightlinks in the last few years and nothing has happened! Pure chance.

E.G if it was through friends - can you look to your wider social circle to people in your peripheral that you kind of know and that may be single? If through college - can you take up some classes, befriend some women with no expectations, see if there's anyone that catches your eye there? etc etc

I already take 2 courses at night, and I'm friendly with the girls there, but they are all attached, and even so none of them catch my eye in the slightest.

If the initial "wow" is important to you and you're not getting it through online dating, try other avenues. Think about the women who currently are catching your eye. Figure out if they're single. Find ways of approaching "in real life" when there's someone right there that you fancy. Who do you currently fancy?

There are one or two girls at work I guess. I'm new enough here but maybe I can mingle at the Xmas party. Although I'd rather not get involved with someone at work.

Try not to become too negative about dating, because the danger there is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and the pattern continues. Remember that it's a numbers game! You just don't know when you're going to click with someone and it usually happens entirely unexpectedly.

I feel your pain though. I'm single about a year after a long-term relationship, and while I've had interest from lots of guys it never seems to be the ones I actually fancy! (Which are few and far between)

Just remember - it happened twice before, so it can absolutely happen again. You just have to continue to put yourself out there and stay resilient!

I must have gone on 50+ dates in the last 5 years. So the numbers game is becoming tiring. But yeah, maybe I'll just take a hiatus, and see what happens. But yes my current life offers no avenues of meeting new people, so maybe I need to look at that. It's difficult though because I don't even know anyone who meets new people these days. We're all old and settled now (except me!).
I appreciate your input.

zapper55

I can have written that post. The only difference being that I'm female. I deleted the dating apps. I found it was too much of a distraction having a few options. Also people look great on the apps but in my experience with most of the guys I met photos are 10 years and 2 stone in the difference. Or I just didn't have chemistry with them. The rare few I did we went out a few times and I had the rather odd recurring theme of meeting people with bad drug or alcohol problems.

The way I see it is that I'm the common denominator. Im choosing/attracting these guys online. So i need to change my approach.

I've been proactively chatting to people on my commute. It's way out of my.comfort zone but what I was doing so far wasn't working. When I'm in a bar (which I rarely am) I say hi to guys I find attractive.

Maybe do the same for women you see?

LolaJJ

Hey OP

About 2 years ago I started preparing myself to be single forever. Like yourself, I'd no shortage of interest on the dating apps, so many dates and either I like them and they didn't like me or vice versa.

So I deleted them all, prepared for life by myself, was actually kinda calm about it, loved the fact that no one would ever be able to control my emotions and the possibility of heartbreak was gone forever. I came to terms with it fully.

But I went on Tinder one last time, just to see...

I possibly was in a better headspace, completely unwilling to waster my time on what I knew I didn't want.

I went on one date.

That was 15 months ago and we're now blissfully in love and living in sin

You never know what's about to happen in this life

ginandtonicsky

Giving the dating apps a swerve for the moment is probably a good plan then. "Dating app fatigue" is definitely a thing that happens over time.

However, 50 dates over 5 years and nothing going towards anything meaningful - how much judgement and scrutiny are you exercising when it comes to meeting women? Are you making sure you've got substantial things in common and are on the same page beyond "she looks nice" when it comes to making a decision on who you meet in person?

Personally, I've met too many people who fall in everything from "don't look remotely like their profile pics" to "look great but fcek all in common" to just go out with any guy that asks. IME guys ask really quickly too. I'll ask for more pictures if the photos are sparse or look old, I'll try to build a rapport, see if we have good banter, ask direct questions like "what are you looking for?" etc etc. Above all else, I've got a busy life and not a lot of free time, so although you can't control or plan for having a connection with someone, I want to make sure I'm giving myself every chance of hitting it off with the person I'm setting aside an evening to meet.

Segotias

OP..just out of curiosity is there something specific that makes you think its "not going anywhere"

The fact you haven't had a problem getting dates I'm wondering if theres a self sabotage aspect, do you have a certain criteria thats not met.

I could be way off the mark here and theres just no chemistry with the person and if I am I apologise.

Personally I couldn't get the tide to take me out, I'd told frequently I make myself unapproachable...resting b*tch face and all that.

I have resigned myself to the single life but you seem to have no problem meeting even if it is online

LegacyUser

Segotias wrote: »

OP..just out of curiosity is there something specific that makes you think its "not going anywhere"

The fact you haven't had a problem getting dates I'm wondering if theres a self sabotage aspect, do you have a certain criteria thats not met.

I could be way off the mark here and theres just no chemistry with the person and if I am I apologise.

Personally I couldn't get the tide to take me out, I'd told frequently I make myself unapproachable...resting b*tch face and all that.

I have resigned myself to the single life but you seem to have no problem meeting even if it is online

Well the criteria is that I want to connect with someone romantically and intellectually and be sexually attracted to someone. Is that normal enough criteria? I always have a good time dating and I'm easy to talk to and get along with so dates usually go well, so I'd normally give it a couple of dates to see if it will go anywhere.
The whole thing is very odd, meeting total strangers for a brief few hours here and there. It's no surprise my only proper relationships occurred through more organic ways.

ElizaBennett

I wonder are you having the same issue as my brother.. i.e. impossibly high standards? Do you have 'a type ' and only someone like this will do. My father was also like this and only dated beauties and held out till middle age till he met my stunning mother. My brother is now 40 and desperately wants a partner and children but only beautiful women with perfect figures need apply. It's so annoying to witness as he doesn't get that it has very little to do with future happiness. Id have walked past my partner in the street and not noticed him but I adore him now that I know him and fancy the pants off him.
Is this possibly your issue? I don't know the solution if it is but being aware that you're thinking this way could be helpful.

buried

I'm the same sort of situation as you OP, but maybe not the same I dunno, I go on a lot of dates, been on a lot of them this year but it never seems to work out after a while. You can feel it's not going to work straight from the get-go. I'm the same age bracket as yourself and I find a lot of the ladies I go on dates with, actually all of the dates this year that I've been on, ones with women around our same age group, they really haven't gotten over their former relationships. They constantly bring up the ex from the get go, a little bit right at the start then more and more as you try to build something. That's when my intuition says "nah, this isn't going to work". I don't call things off straight away, I try to see if it could work but it doesn't with these women, the ex gets mentioned more and more and in the end these ladies end up calling it off anyways!! But at least I'm prepared for it, I half know it's coming! You can't compete with someone whose been with them for however many years and that person is still there in their heads, whereas you've just arrived in their space. I dunno, maybe they don't dig me anyways without any though of their ex or whatever, but this is constantly happening to me on the dating scene. Don't know if its the same for you or what, just thought I'd put it up here, as I'm seeing this a lot. It's also really put me off dating too, which is the ultimate point I'm trying to make!

Trevdk

There's definitely a personality among certain daters where they're attracted to what they can't have. You very often hear the same line "I'm not into the ones who like me, but liked a few who weren't into me, I'm so unlucky"

But it's not the people who aren't into you that you like, it's how their rejection or coldness makes you feel about yourself and this often heightens all your emotions as you desperately want to prove you're good enough for them, that feeling while electric isn't healthy and not conducive to a content life.

dellas1979

Well, first of all, fair play for stepping up, and letting the women know what is going on for you/the deal when its not working out (and not doing a houdini).

Am same age as you (female tho). A lot going for myself too. Hate dating apps.

Am I picky? I dont think so. I know myself very well. What I like, and dont like in a person. What am attracted/not attracted to. Just makes me more sure minded.

I've met: Emotionally unavailable men (I stay well clear - total drainers), married men (no-am not into having affairs-no advantage to me), men who dont look after themselves (and am expected to be impressed-woah jump on me now with your halitosis breath yeaaa), egoists, liars, players, no match sense of humor-wise, too young for me (last time I was asked out, he was 29), an ex-monk (yea-really), another spitting out their food while eating, someone with BO.

Despite all the nuttiness and craziness, I havent given up, just yet. I figure Ive at least another 30+ years left on the earth. So, am going to enjoy myself regardless of meeting someone or not.

Daisy78

Would it be the worst thing in the world if you were to remain single? Having high standards is great but if you haven’t found anyone suitable in 50 dates then I think there might be something amiss. Most people, (particularly in our age bracket) date knowing that some element of compromise may be needed, not on the important stuff like kindness, honesty, smarts, etc But maybe on the superficial stuff, the stuff we tend to base that chemistry on.

Having chemistry with someone isn’t necessarily a good indicator of a future happy relationship. You say you had it with your exes but if those relationships were such a success then they wouldn’t be exes!

I guess you never really should give up looking but if you have been proactive about it and it hasn’t yielded any results now might be the time to take a step back. Looking for love can be draining at times and you can spend a lot of energy and focus on it that could be better directed elsewhere, I.e hobbies, friends, work. Maybe it is ok to say look I tried and it didn’t work out and for now, at least I’m going to give my time to other things that bring me joy.

zapper55

I agree with most of what Daisy78 said. But chemistry i.e fancying your partner is a pretty fundamental part of a relationship. If it's not, one side of the relationship will get pretty frustrated and demoralised. Look at the number of threads on here about sexless marriages.

Segotias

dellas1979 wrote: »

I've met: Emotionally unavailable men (I stay well clear - total drainers), married men (no-am not into having affairs-no advantage to me), men who dont look after themselves (and am expected to be impressed-woah jump on me now with your halitosis breath yeaaa), egoists, liars, players, no match sense of humor-wise, too young for me (last time I was asked out, he was 29), an ex-monk (yea-really), another spitting out their food while eating, someone with BO.

That really is one interesting repetoire of men :D

I thought my past list was interesting but never a monk!!!!

Fair played to you for continuing at it. The whole process has me extremely jaded and its been a few years since I've been on a date. All my offers come from married or attached men...and as you've said theres no advantage there

LegacyUser

Daisy78 wrote: »

Would it be the worst thing in the world if you were to remain single? Having high standards is great but if you haven’t found anyone suitable in 50 dates then I think there might be something amiss. Most people, (particularly in our age bracket) date knowing that some element of compromise may be needed, not on the important stuff like kindness, honesty, smarts, etc But maybe on the superficial stuff, the stuff we tend to base that chemistry on.

I don't think 50 dates is that much over the course of nearly 5 years.
Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world at all to remain single. I've a good life. I play sports and have plenty of friends. I keep quite busy. Sometimes I just wouldn't mind having someone around, and regular sex. I tried the compromising thing you're talking about with a girl this year, she was perfect, but sexually it just wasn't there for me. Eventually she was upset and so was I, so I guess I just can't compromise on the sex/fancying thing.

Having chemistry with someone isn’t necessarily a good indicator of a future happy relationship. You say you had it with your exes but if those relationships were such a success then they wouldn’t be exes!

I wasn't quite ready to settle down in the past and my most previous recent relationship, the attraction was always there, but she had some serious issues I just couldn't deal with any more. Getting away from her was the best thing that's probably ever happened to me.

you can spend a lot of energy and focus on it that could be better directed elsewhere, I.e hobbies, friends, work. Maybe it is ok to say look I tried and it didn’t work out and for now, at least I’m going to give my time to other things that bring me joy.

Well yeah that's what I've been doing mostly, but I guess it's only human for me to miss female contact.
Was just looking to get a few things off my chest on this thread really. I'm too old for bars/clubs etc and online dating is getting very tired for me, so yeah maybe I'll just try and forget about women and love and all that for a while. There's always chemical castration.

dellas1979

Segotias wrote: »

The whole process has me extremely jaded and its been a few years since I've been on a date. All my offers come from married or attached men...and as you've said theres no advantage there

And that was the short version (of the list!!!).

I think its all hilarious. A bit of craic. You do meet a lot of weird and wacky people along the way. Heart breaks. Tears. I wouldnt change it for anything. Because I've learned so much along the way.

My mam always drilled into me "there is no such thing as a problem, its how you look at things." When things become tough, I choose to look at it from a different angle. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. If something goes wrong or not my way, I will take time to digest, and move on. If something goes really really wrong (rejection or something - has happened us all), I do something nice for myself.

I've travelled, made some wonderful friends, building a house - really lots of things I would have maybe depended on a partner for.

The "process" (I think), is putting yourself out there (to some degree - I mean, placing yourself in a position to meet someone) and luck. Lots and lots of luck.

I also believe that what you put out there, you will attract. So, if you think lowly of yourself for example, youre going to attract that.

Life definitely hasnt stopped because I havent met someone. In fact, my life got better when I became single. If/when I meet someone, I will look back on this time with very rose tinted glasses.

Segotias

dellas1979 wrote: »

The "process" (I think), is putting yourself out there (to some degree - I mean, placing yourself in a position to meet someone) and luck. Lots and lots of luck.

I also believe that what you put out there, you will attract. So, if you think lowly of yourself for example, youre going to attract that.

Life definitely hasnt stopped because I havent met someone. In fact, my life got better when I became single. If/when I meet someone, I will look back on this time with very rose tinted glasses.

You've a great attitude to it all and I know having someone is not the be all and end all, life is good as it is.

Though I do wonder what I "put out there" to attract the attached men