Confused about a girl, would like some advice

Rck888746

I matched with this girl on Tinder about 2 weeks ago. We talked a little and she is very nice, we have some things in common, and she was clearly interested.

Last weekend I decided to ask her out on a date, but she had a busy weekend, and said we should do this another day. Fine with me. I even asked her if she thought I was asking her out too soon, she said she doesn't care about this kind of stuff, it was only that she truly would be busy.

Anyway, we talked one more day normally, and then out of the blue she started to not answer me the same way, she was clearly giving me those kind of answers when you don't want to talk... and she wasn't starting the conversations anymore... last Tuesday night I asked her if I had said something to bother her, she answered me "Sorry, I am just not in the mood to talk"... I asked her if something happened, she said "no, just tired" and that was it. We didn't talk yesterday nor today.

My doubt is... do I try something more? She really looks the type of girl I'd like to meet, get to know more, etc... and in the first days she looked very interested too...

I think my move now is to ask her tomorrow if she is feeling better and if she wants to go out for a coffee or something like that... if she says "no" for whatever reason I will tell her that I would be interested in knowing her more, but she should tell me if she isn't, so I can stop trying... would that be a good move? Sounds a little over, but I don't wanna be that guy trying and trying, just annoying her everytime a send a "hi"

Thanks

wiggle16

Hi OP

I know it's not nice to hear, but if she was interested, she would be messaging you. If she was interested and genuinely could not talk for some reason, she would explain that and get back to you once she was able.

And then you think "yeah... but maybe she's just busy, and..." and I'll ask you to look at it this way. You are eager to message her, because you like her. You also have a busy life, but you made time to talk to her, because you wanted to, because you're interested. If she felt like that, she would be doing the same and I would not be typing out this long-winded response at 1:30am. She doesn't feel the same way, so she isn't interested.

It's almost certainly nothing you did, remember. She could be making a go of it with someone else she got chatting with. She has just lost interest, and unfortunately the thing to do nowadays when you've lost interest seems to be to ignore the person or give non-committal answers to questions and hope they just go away, rather than just being decent out straight telling you "look, I'm sorry but I'm not as into you as I thought I was, I'd rather leave it and I'm sorry about that, but no hard feelings and happy hunting" - which would save you all the worry and fretting and second guessing.

Don't bother to message her again, you won't get a useful answer. She probably will not respond, or will turn it back on you for being too intense and that will just make you feel worse. You're not doing anything wrong.

It's a really shítty feeling that could just be avoided if people were a tiny bit more straight forward with one another, and I've been there plenty, as you can probably tell :rolleyes:

Don't waste any more time dwelling on her or ruminating over her, you sound like a really sweet lad and there are plenty of women out there who appreciate that. Unmatch with her and get yourself out there again. Good luck

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I'd leave it for a few more days. Give her some space, then send one more message. If that doesn't get anywhere then leave it.

Don't take it personally though. It's very possible something totally out of your control happened and she just doesn't want to talk about it with someone she hasn't met.

con___manx1

Play it cool dont message her again. If she likes you she will message you trust me. if not leave it move onto the next one plenty more fish in the sea.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should leave this be. Being "tired" and "busy" are the oldest excuses in the book. If she was genuinely interested in meeting up with you, she'd have offered an alternative date.

You have done nothing wrong, by the way. You did the right thing by asking her out before your interactions with her turned into a prolonged penpal situation. There's another thread running here where someone's let an online dating situation drift on for 18 months! Why she ran to the hills is anyone's guess. Maybe she was only using Tinder as a distraction, maybe she met someone else, maybe she just wasn't interested... The thing to bear in mind here is that it's nothing personal. You and she have never met in real life so neither of you actually knows what the other person is actually like.

If you feel that despite the advice given, you absolutely have to give this one more shot, then send one more text. Just one, mind. If you hear nothing back, delete her number. If she replies, set some deadlines/dealbreakers for yourself. Cut contact if you don't have a date set up by X date, if she's "tired" or "busy" again or if she's slow to reply to your messages. It's also worth thinking about what way this'd go if the situation was reversed. If she had asked you out first, what would your response have been? (Clue: Not like hers)

Always Tired

She's not interested dude, sorry. Girls are rarely too tired to talk to guys they really like, especially early on.

Accidentally

No one knows what's going in her life, so it's a waste of time guessing.

Wait a few days and then send her a final message. Just say that you're not sure if she's still really interested, but she knows where to find you if she is. Apart from that id wish her good luck with her life if you dont talk again.

leggo

The only constructive thing I can really think of you maybe shouldn't do is to keep asking people if you did something wrong. Did you ask her out too soon, did you do something etc. Be confident in what you do and, even if you're not, fake it until you make it. If you want to ask for a number, just ask. If you feel it's right to ask them out, ask them. Don't apologise for basic things or look for feedback, it can come across needy.

Also with Tinder you have to remember it's fairly cut-throat. You should always assume there's like 10 other guys messaging anyone you're talking to and not get too invested in any one person until you've actually met them, because that's how most other people on it are approaching it. And that's the reality and the sensible move, really: these are literally pictures and text until they're sitting in front of you. You can't like them too much because you've had zero real life interactions with them to know what they're actually like, they could be a 50-year old dude for all you know at that stage. If you come across as getting attached very early on, again it's going to just come across as if you're dying to just meet someone and get attached, which can set off red flags too.

Don't beat yourself up OP, these are all things we pick up along the way and generally the same way you've experienced this. So move on from this one and learn for the next. The plus of Tinder is there are always hundreds more out there you can match with and improve on.

Sephiroth_dude

Had something similar happen to me recently, like you at first she was all talk and seemed interested but then she went all quiet and then I asked her to meet and gave her my number, she txted me and we were chatting for a bit but then she tells me all along she was txting another guy (fair enough) as well before she started chatting with me , I got the impression anyway she wasn't interested so I just left it at that and moved on, I would say just leave it and move on.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't even bother messaging her again, OP. She's clearly not interested. You need to look at this as wiggle suggested. You're not "too tired/too busy/too anything". You like her enough to want to meet, so you made the effort. She's just throwing out excuses because she doesn't have the courage to say she is no longer interested. I wouldn't stress myself thinking about why she doesn't want to meet, if I were you. Bottom line is she doesn't, so delete and move on. Trust me, you'll save yourself a lot of hassle if you adopt a more black and white approach.

Besides, if she had really wanted to meet she would have suggested a different day when she couldn't meet the weekend you suggested. Certainly that's what I would do.

zapper55

I wouldn't message her again either. If she was busy but interested she would have suggested an alternative date and she hasn't. This is disinterest. In online dating you will rarely get someone come out with a straight no, they'll hope you get the hint.

milli milli

OP don’t take this girl’s behaviour personally - apart from people losing interest (perhaps she met someone the weekend you were to meet, an ex came back into her life, she found someone more compatible, etc etc), there is also a lot of people on Tinder just looking for attention and have no intention of ever meeting up with anyone.

Also as someone else said, be confident in your choices - don’t say to a girl, ‘did I ask you out too early?’ (You didn’t. It’s always better to ask out sooner than later.) Be sure of yourself. Self-assuredness is very attractive (second guessing can be a bit of a turnoff depending on the girl).

I’d agree with the others, don’t bother with another message, leave her be and go and look elsewhere. Lots of lovely different girls out there who will appreciate you. Best of luck.

Rck888746

Thank you all for the help, very good input from everyone and unfortunately I think you all are right.

I didn't message her again for now, and she didn't so... I guess that's it. I am still in doubt if I try one more time in a couple of days, but I'll let at least the weekend go and then I see what I do...

In case I try the last shot, you guys think it should be a normal one - "hey, how are you these days?" or I should come out with all the "I liked you and would like to know you more, if you don't, tell me now" stuff?

buried

Don't engage whatsoever and move on. Total waste of your time. Leave it so and keep the search for someone you can rightly gel with, because this one isn't. The more time you spend trying to chase this one and have her on your mindset you could actually miss the chance to encounter someone who is actually worth your time. Keep on doing what you are doing and trust your right instinct on what you know could be worth it.

Tuco88

Imo I wouldn't message again. Move on, if you let it hang the way it is (don't bank on it tho) you might get a message down the road you'd be surprised, the "blah blah blah still up for that date?..." then you'll laugh.

As a girl shes probably getting alot of messages from fellas, every guys a hero online. You'll come across better, she might wounder why and the tables revised?

The positives...
So, for you a good looking girl showed interest at some point and circumstances changed (dont think about it)
All it means you could do it again or better why not?

Online dating can be very confusing...

You dont have to be smart, rich or funny.. dont even have to be all that good looking. Just bulletproof ��.

LegacyUser

Don't mean to be harsh OP but there's absolutely no point in messaging this girl again. If she's interested she'll message you back, but judging by what you've said I'd be very surprised if she did. It's a frustrating but common online dating scenario where the other person starts to reply less and less rather than outright saying they've lost interest.

For future reference I would never ask a girl if you've done something to bother her or if you've asked her out too early, as someone else said above it comes across as needy.

The most important thing is not to take this personally. Just dust yourself down and move on to the next girl.

LegacyUser

She probably met someone in the last two weeks and was initially or still is keeping her options open

Always Tired

why would you message again? it makes no sense. i know you like her but she obviously doesn't feel the same or she wouldn't leave you hanging. not sure why you think another message will turn the tide here.

sending her another message will just make you feel /look pathetic. move on, don't look back.