I’m falling in love with him…. but would it be fairer to let him go….

I Love My Space

Two years ago my marriage came to an end after 18 years. My ex-husband was and is a brilliant man but he was a complete workaholic during our marriage with the result our relationship eventually frizzled out. On the upside we have a wonderful son who is 13. We are both financially independent so we managed to avoid the all the messy legal stuff and we remain close friends.

Last November, I became friend(lier) with a guy I had known as an acquaintance for a few years. He is 41, he also has a son and has been divorced for four years. Anyway, he was a ‘Good Samaritan’ and came to my rescue one day when I was in need of some help. A few days later he called back to see me and a firm friendship started from there. In the months that followed he volunteered on some DIY projects I was doing in the house and during that time our sons became friendly.

Six months ago we got together properly for the first time and things have continued to develop between us. I like this guy so much, he is handsome (in a rugged /effortless way which I find a massive turn on). He is intelligent, funny, ambitious, hardworking but above all he is a very decent man.

We were away together last weekend for a romantic break, he booked two nights in a small seaside cottage for us and during our time together we talked about everything and anything. He asked me if I would consider re-marrying at some point (he wasn’t asking me ). I told him that I didn’t think I would ever want to marry again. He seemed a bit disappointed. He went on to say that he would love to re-marry at some point in the future (but he doesn’t want any more children).

Since the weekend I have been thinking of little else. I’m definitely falling in love with this man but I’m conscious that it’s only two years since my marriage ended. At the moment we speak/message each other every day so we know everything that is going on in each other’s lives. We usually meet up one night during the week/or we spend some or all of the weekend together. When I’m away from him, I miss him and I am always excited about the next time we can be together. Our relationship is very intense and passionate but I'm not sure I could handle the intensity fulltime (our sex life is pretty incredible!!). However, I also love being on my own (I suppose I was used to being on my own for a lot of my marriage) so now I would find it suffocating if I was sharing my life/home with someone 24/7. Maybe this will change with time but for the foreseeable future I would like us to continue to live separately.

I would like to hear from others who were or are in similar situations. Is it selfish to want a relationship under these terms? Now that I know he wants to re-marry at some point and it’s unlikely that I do. Is it fairer to end it or is it enough to be honest about what I can offer now as this may change in future?

milli milli

Is it fairer to end it or is it enough to be honest about what I can offer now as this may change in future?

I think you’ve been honest and things may change as you said yourself. It sounds like things are going great with you two but it’s still early days and you’re in the honeymoon phase, so no-one can predict the future.

For the record, I would be like you in that I love my independence and would find it hard sharing a home 24/7 with someone else (I have done in the past though).
There is a large demographic of one-person homes now that I’m sure this will be a more prominent thing in the future, now that men and women aren’t as reliant on each other as in previous generations. So we are not the only people to feel this way.
Remember when Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton told the world that they lived in separate houses, despite being married and most people thought it was really odd? I know quite a few people now that think, actually it’s not such a bad idea!
I don’t think it will take over the conventional living together setup but it won’t be as odd.

Anyway you’ve both been honest with each other. If either of ye aren’t happy, in the future, then cross that bridge. Otherwise enjoy what you have together now.

leggo

Yeah I'd agree with the above. I think you'd be mad to call off a good thing like this so early over something that could change (on either side btw) in time. Like this isn't the same as, say, wanting or not wanting children where people can feel very definite about it and it alters the course of your entire life plan if your partner isn't compatible with your wishes. Personally, for me, your attitude is the healthiest way to be about marriage because it's such a huge commitment: the default should be no and if someone comes along who you like so much you actively want to change that? Great! It's a way more sensible attitude than being convinced you want to be married regardless of partner then trying to fit every person you meet into this goal that pre-dates them and may not fit (I'm not saying that's how your partner is btw, just in general).

You're still relatively new to being out of a marriage, it's going to take some time to even be able to think about getting into another. That's totally natural and something you shouldn't even have to think about yet. In time, you could absolutely feel differently, however you shouldn't feel any pressure to change and that'll either naturally evolve or very definitely go the other way. When you know, there'll be no doubts either way what you want. It doesn't sound like you're there yet and just kinda relieved to be getting some independence.

I wouldn't say this is a pressing issue unless he keeps bringing it up and starts putting pressure on you. He's mentioned it now so you can just let that thought work away in the back of your mind, but don't feel pressured or even inclined to make any decisions or act on it unless there's further developments. See how it settles over time then deal with it when you have to and, most important, enjoy this! Meeting someone new and going through this phase is one of the most fun things in life to go through and it sounds like you've a good situation. So just have fun with it and try not to overthink and miss out on that.

jenggg

As someone who is long term single and would love to meet a man I feel such a connection with, I say go and enjoy your relationship. That stuff will work itself out in time. Decent men that make your heart race are hard to find 😊

wiggle16

jenggg wrote: »

As someone who is long term single and would love to meet a man I feel such a connection with, I say go and enjoy your relationship. That stuff will work itself out in time. Decent men that make your heart race are hard to find ��

Exactly this. Does he have a single brother, by any chance?

In all seriousness, you would be mad to end this relationship over this. Absolutely mad. He sounds like a rare find, OP.

By all means you can make your terms clear if you think you are not on the same page, that's just being honest and of course you should be, but it does not sound like there is any urgency to it. Nor is it an insurmountable difference either. You might change your mind. He might change his. Right now, it's academic. I'm not dismissing how you feel, but put it in perspective, you seem to be on the same page about everything else and he is clearly mad about you! Just enjoy it

Xterminator

Hi Op

i think you should allow him the respect of making up his own mind as to whether he would be better off in or out of a relationship.

i understand your good motives, but if you think about it, he is a grown man, with expereince of both good and bad. If he decides his life is better off with you in it, then surely that is all that matters?

you were open and honest, and a man cannot ask for more than that.

ElizaBennett

As the others have said, you've been honest and now it's up to him. I was in a very similar situation though I met my guy only a few months after my husband moved out and we separated. I'm divorced now. I'm crazy about my partner and he would adore for us to get married and would do it in the morning if possible but he knows I'm not into it and may never be. He asks me every few weeks but we just joke about it. Weirdly he's also divorced and had to go to court over access stuff but isn't put off marriage. He's a lot younger than me so may be that's something to do with it.

My advise is to go with it. You have a fantastic relationship right now and you're both really enjoying it. I warn you that moving in together could be a massive challenge for you and beware that circumstances could force it. We moved in together because of financial reasons being honest and I was far happier living apart with an arrangement like yours. But I did adapt and we're getting on brilliantly after some speed bumps.
Take it very slowly and let him make his own decisions. And congrats on finding a great partner

tara73

As I read it, everything seems fine. It's great you feel that comfortable with each other to talk about each others wishes or ideas for the future, especially if they differ.

So I think your thougts about continiuing with the relationship are very unnecessary or intense at this point, because I didn't read it he pressurised you or anything?
But this is the point. As soon as it starts to get pressurising from him, it will become a problem.

Do you feel pressurised now, is he giving you reason to feel pressurised or is it yourself who's putting that upon you?

osarusan

There may come a point in the future when the pull in in different directions becomes a problem, but things might change too. There's no reason to end things prematurely.

You've both been honest with each other so far, and you're both still in the relationship, and happy in it. Stay with it, see where it goes.

If you reach the point where one of you is telling the other they might change, even though they really know they won't change...that's when there is a problem.

stargazer 68

Op I have to agree with the other posters - enjoy it and don't overthink it. I met someone a few years ago - we were both divorced - and he said he would never get married again. Suited me fine - I had no desire to take that plunge again either.

Celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary in August! So you never know.

Ghekko

Keep an open mind. Don't close the door on re marrying. Give the relationship a fighting chance and see where it goes. He sounds like a great guy. You never know how you might feel in a couple of years or even later when your son moves on with his life. Likewise he may also decide that marriage isn't for him at a later stage. For now, enjoy your time together.

I Love My Space

leggo wrote: »

I think you'd be mad to call off a good thing like this so early over something that could change (on either side btw) in time. Like this isn't the same as, say, wanting or not wanting children where people can feel very definite about it and it alters the course of your entire life plan if your partner isn't compatible with your wishes.

OP here again.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my thread, your advice and kind words are very much appreciated.

I suppose I was treating marriage exactly the same as the desire to have children (i.e they're both important life goals and aspirations for many people).

Prior to starting my thread I was thinking of a couple of relations/friends/colleagues who appeared to waste 10 - 15 years in relationships hoping that their partner would change their mind and propose or agree to start a family. I've seen the heartache and disappointment when they realise that they have left it too late to have children. I would never want to be (intentionally) responsible for depriving someone I love of something so vital to their (concept) of happiness.

I suppose at least we are both 100% sure that our baby/nappy changing days are behind us. Our respective sons are a top priority and we share the same values when it comes to helping them in their teenage lives/education etc.

I realise that I have spent much of my adult life anticipating issues when I probably shouldn't have been in such a hurry to meet trouble halfway. I suppose I feel anxious when I feel life is going too well

The truth is I've never been happier, I just need to deliver a message to my brain - that it's ok to be happy

Many thanks again.