Losing interest after the chase ☹

jimbob1982

I am a man who is so so sick of this pattern in my love life. First off I met a lovely woman on POF 18 months ago now. We never met physically. She was pretty keen on nothing serious and I was open to whatever may happen.Well I must have made 4 or 5 attempts to ask this woman out and it never wound up happening but however despite the ups and downs I felt over the 18 months, the taking a step back and moving in again. We just had so much fun together online that I was even happy to keep it that way though in the back of my mind hoping we would some day meet. Last July I felt very bad.I think I got too attached when she withdrew for about 3 weeks or so.We used to chat nearly every day.Though we may go a couple of weeks sometimes without contact.I didn't really take heed but this one time, she never replied to 2 messages and I thought she was going off of me. So I told her how I felt and she was gracious with me. She decided to remain friends with me and that she would discuss things further later. Sadly now I've lost interest after she hinting to meet me. I played cool with her so as not to overwhelm her but now I've lost interest just because she showed interest. I'm so gutted.I don't even know what to do. The whole spontaneity is gone and it feels fake.Its like I don't believe it myself.Is it only a phase, is it fear of intimacy or what is it? She only wants to meet up casually for a laugh I'm sure but I'm not sure .I just get the vibe that it's deeper with her but I'm not sure.Has any man felt like this before? I sure could do with help. What is wrong with me? We've had such a wholesome friendship. We've spoken about our demons and had such great laughs and I really admire her and now I just feel something is pulling me away.I hate it.I really don't want to lose the friendship

miamee

Hi jimbob - first of all, I'm not a man so maybe you don't want to hear what I have to say. However I have used online dating in the past and I can relate to what you are saying. 18 months chatting online is not a friendship or a relationship - it is a penpal who you write to online. You haven't mentioned any phone calls or even attempts to meet up in a year and half. She has been a bit wishy washy about it up to now but has thrown you a breadcrumb by showing some sort of interest and "she decided to remain friends" with you. How big of her. She has no intention of meeting up with you, she is enjoying the attention from you when it suits her and ignoring your messages when it doesn't. Been there, bought the t-shirt. No matter how nice she seems, no matter the reason, she is a lost cause and I reckon you losing interest is your own way of realising that this is going nowhere.

I'm sorry to be so blunt about it but it happens quite a bit in the online dating world. If you like someone, ask them out sooner rather than later. If they say no, move on.

tara73

I think you are completely on the right track here and there's no need to be so hard on yourself and questioning you, quite the opposite.

as the previous poster said, she's just fullfilling her needs, get in contact with you when it suits her and ignore you when it suits her.
and then you know nothing about this person, absolutely nothing, she is just an internet aquaintance you've never met, she might be married and getting her emotional attention from you.

This not good for you, I would cut contact. Even for internet dating this is the worst from the worst imo, because you can meet internet contacts quite easily if both are up for it, it doesn't has to be that hard.

Or try to meet people in real life, still possibilities out there...:)

jimbob1982

tara73 wrote: »

I think you are completely on the right track here and there's no need to be so hard on yourself and questioning you, quite the opposite.

as the previous poster said, she's just fullfilling her needs, get in contact with you when it suits her and ignore you when it suits her.
and then you know nothing about this person, absolutely nothing, she is just an internet aquaintance you've never met, she might be married and getting her emotional attention from you.

This not good for you, I would cut contact. Even for internet dating this is the worst from the worst imo, because you can meet internet contacts quite easily if both are up for it, it doesn't has to be that hard.

Or try to meet people in real life, still possibilities out there...:)

I wouldn't agree that she's a lost cause. She has been through a hell of a lot and I can very well understand why she would want to move things very slowly. What I am more concerned about is why I lose interest so quick after someone shows interest.I get all anxious and feel pulled away. Not a way to live my life and I don't want to keep doing this pattern. That woman never said to me that she wanted anything serious but both of us may have crossed boundaries and now when she suggests meeting I don't know whether to view this as just a casual meet up or the possibility of more. When I don't know what she wants I feel in a very awquard position and now the vibe is gone for any kind of friendship or relationship when in actual fact I would be quite happy to have the friendship. She is not good to talk about this kind a thing either.Sorry Tara? I'm replying to both of ye. It just only replies to your one though. Fault in the program here me thinks.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, my advice would be have an open and honest conversation with her, just tell her what’s going in your head. I’m in a similar situation with regard to talking to someone online but not meeting. Talking to a guy I met online for over a year, both of us have expressed a desire to meet up but when I try to make concrete plans he pulls away, It’s a head wrecking situation. The lines between friendship and relationship can be blurred and this leads to a lot of hurt feelings

jimbob1982

Similar situation wrote: »

Hi Op, my advice would be have an open and honest conversation with her, just tell her what’s going in your head. I’m in a similar situation with regard to talking to someone online but not meeting. Talking to a guy I met online for over a year, both of us have expressed a desire to meet up but when I try to make concrete plans he pulls away, It’s a head wrecking situation. The lines between friendship and relationship can be blurred and this leads to a lot of hurt feelings

Coming from a man, I think he might be overwhelmed. Women get an awful doing over hormones and all to that but I honestly believe us men have have our emotional demons too. I feel that deep down I do like this person a lot but my fear of getting close overwhelms me and makes me THINK I'm not interested. I think that's what happens to a lot of us men who lose interest after the chase.Im so glad I got my counselling session tomorrow.

IHeartShoes

jimbob1982 wrote: »

Coming from a man, I think he might be overwhelmed. Women get an awful doing over hormones and all to that but I honestly believe us men have have our emotional demons too. I feel that deep down I do like this person a lot but my fear of getting close overwhelms me and makes me THINK I'm not interested. I think that's what happens to a lot of us men who lose interest after the chase.Im so glad I got my counselling session tomorrow.

Why overanalyse so much? Why not just meet her with a view to meeting as friends? Don't think any further than that. You might meet and there might be a spark and you can take it from there. You might meet and she presents totally differently to how she does online (not just physically) and you will have no interest in taking it any further. Or you might meet and there is no actual spark, but she is as funny, interesting and as engaging as she is online and you can build on a friendship.

I am a social person. I like people and their stories so I never view first dates as a waste of time. I have just met someone new and hopefully had an interesting conversation over a couple of hours.

Don't worry about whether you have or haven't lost interest at this point. Just meet.

Best of luck:)

jimbob1982

IHeartShoes wrote: »

Why overanalyse so much? Why not just meet her with a view to meeting as friends? Don't think any further than that. You might meet and there might be a spark and you can take it from there. You might meet and she presents totally differently to how she does online (not just physically) and you will have no interest in taking it any further. Or you might meet and there is no actual spark, but she is as funny, interesting and as engaging as she is online and you can build on a friendship.

I am a social person. I like people and their stories so I never view first dates as a waste of time. I have just met someone new and hopefully had an interesting conversation over a couple of hours.

Don't worry about whether you have or haven't lost interest at this point. Just meet.

Best of luck:)

Thank you so much. That is a big help. Doesn't make me feel quite overwhelmed. I think it's just that with all the toing and froing I need to get my headspace to a place where I can be casual. I really feel it would be an awful Shame to lose the friendship of such a lovely woman just because I needed a bit of space to sort my head out. I sincerely wish you the best in your friendship too I heartshoes and thank you for giving me confidence in this.

Emme

OP if you're not interested in meeting her don't waste her time.

jimbob1982

Emme wrote: »

OP if you're not interested in meeting her don't waste her time.

Either way I'm not going to meet her till I sort my own head out if we're going to meet up. I know it's not fair. What is also very difficult for me to deal with is this this continuous feeling that once the chase is over I lose interest though. That is something I really want to get to the bottom of.

LegacyUser

jimbob1982 wrote: »

Sadly now I've lost interest after she hinting to meet me. I played cool with her so as not to overwhelm her but now I've lost interest just because she showed interest. I'm so gutted.I don't even know what to do. The whole spontaneity is gone and it feels fake

It was fake. Now it's getting real.

If online relationships go on too long without meeting, you are only getting to know a controlled and somewhat contrived version of the other person. Not intentionally. Just the way it is and how people project and are interprepted by the other person online.

Actually meeting - you are on the spot.

You may have high expectations of her which could make you lose interest because she can't match them in real life. You may also be worried about the expectations she has of you. You are in a habit and got stuck communicating only online and got use to it and that is now more comfortable for you than doing what you intended to use it for - meeting people, forming healthy, real casual/serious relationships/friendships.

Just go out with her and have fun. Treat it like you would any other first date. If she messes you around, onto the next.

Emme

jimbob1982 wrote: »

Either way I'm not going to meet her till I sort my own head out if we're going to meet up. I know it's not fair. What is also very difficult for me to deal with is this this continuous feeling that once the chase is over I lose interest though. That is something I really want to get to the bottom of.

Every time you chase a woman and when she agrees to meet you and you lose interest you waste her time. I got this treatment all the time when I was on dating sites. A guy would email me for a few weeks, we'd be getting on well and he would ask to meet. If I agreed to meet I wouldn't hear from him again. It put me off online dating forever.

Men can spend time messing around but women don't have as much time to waste if they want a family.

Try meeting women in real life and stay off the internet. Meetup groups are a good way to meet people in real life and there are nearly always more women than men in the groups. If you chase a woman in a group and then lose interest you have to take responsibility for it and other people in the group will get to know about it. On the internet you are anonymous and can do what you like.

You need to date in an environment where you have to be responsible for your actions.

Dial Hard

jimbob1982 wrote: »

Either way I'm not going to meet her till I sort my own head out if we're going to meet up. I know it's not fair. What is also very difficult for me to deal with is this this continuous feeling that once the chase is over I lose interest though. That is something I really want to get to the bottom of.

There is no chase! You've been penpals with this woman for 18 months, she has no intention of meeting you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you're tying yourself up in knots over something that is never going to happen. If she had any intention of meeting you she would have done it a long time ago, so I don't think your current cold feet can be attributed to "the chase" suddenly ending.

I think instead of worrying why you "lose interest once the chase is over" you might be better served by examining why it is you're prepared to talk to someone online for such an extended period of time without ever actually meeting up with them. It kind of reads to me as if it's the very opposite of "the chase" that you're interested in.

You say "Well I must have made 4 or 5 attempts to ask this woman out and it never wound up happening". I'm not sure what that means - did you actually ask her out four or five times and she said no each time, or did you try to work up the courage to ask her out four or five times, but never actually went through with it? Whichever answer it is, I don't think either of them particularly point to someone who actually wants to meet someone. I think you're perfectly happy with extended penpals that you never actually meet. In which case, you've nothing to worry about with this woman, believe me.

wiggle16

OP, if she was ever actually interested in you, she would have wanted to meet you.

If she wanted to meet you she would have met you a long time ago.

That's blunt and sounds unkind but it's true. I'm sorry. You're not wasting her time, she is getting exactly what she wants from this thing and has for the last 18 months. Otherwise she would have taken it further with you. She didn't. She doesn't want to.

The other thing is that I don't know what you mean by the chase. Surely when you meet someone in person who you met online or on an app, that's the beginning, no matter how long the online stuff was going on for?

ManOfMystery

You were an ego boost to her.

There's no rocket science around dating and relationships. If people want to meet, they arrange it. If they don't, but still want that ego boost or to play games, they circle the subject and never commit.

Move on.

Idle Passerby

If two people "meet" via online dating and spend 18 months chatting online without ever meeting its not a budding relationship, its a casual online acquaintanceship.

Your both on POF so presumably you are both hoping to meet someone to go out with in the real world. If she had any interest in that person being you she'd have met you within weeks of making contact. By the same logic, why would you continue online dating for 18 months if the best that has come of it is someone who sends you the odd message.

You havn't been chasing her, you've simply been exchanging intermittent messages. Its petering out now because nothing ever came of it. If shes dangling a carrot now about meeting up its only so she can hold onto having someone to idly message when shes bored and lonely.

Ursus Horribilis

jimbob1982 wrote: »

Either way I'm not going to meet her till I sort my own head out if we're going to meet up. I know it's not fair. What is also very difficult for me to deal with is this continuous feeling that once the chase is over I lose interest though. That is something I really want to get to the bottom of.

What I would love to know is why you put 18 months of your life into this non-relationship. What exactly is it you want? A girlfriend in real life or someone you can chat to online where it's a lot safer?

I too am failing to see a chase in this, by the way.

jimbob1982

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What I would love to know is why you put 18 months of your life into this non-relationship. What exactly is it you want? A girlfriend in real life or someone you can chat to online where it's a lot safer?

I too am failing to see a chase in this, by the way.

What I mean by the chase is when are finally decides to meet up, I lose interest SUDDENLY

Ursus Horribilis

Would you have been happier if this just stayed as penpals?

Idle Passerby

jimbob1982 wrote: »

What I mean by the chase is when are finally decides to meet up, I lose interest SUDDENLY

You are beating yourself up for loosing interest but its unnecessary. This doesn't sound like it was ever going to go anywhere. You invested far too much importance in A correspondence with a girl that was never that pushed about being in contact with you and isn't all that pushed now.

You havn't SUDDENLY lost interest. This wishy washy correspondence dragged on for so long that you lost faith in her commitment to ever meeting up. I'm surprised that after she turned you down multiple times, ignored you for weeks at a time and clearly told you she wasn't interested, that you still held out hopes that this would eventually become a relationship.

You've lost interest in even being friends with her, I don't blame you Surely you want better friends than someone who cant be bothered to meet you for a year and a half.

Passtheremote

Losing interest after the chase usually involves meeting and typically sleeping with someone, maybe a few times, and then deciding youre not pushed after all. And bailing.

What youve described is 18 months of online messaging thats pettered out....perhaps out of the shear boredom of messaging for that long without meeting.

LolaJJ

I find it alarming that you were able to maintain an interest in someone you have never met for 18 months!!!

Ask yourself why you went on POF? Was it to make a meaningful connection with a real live human being?

Or to engage with someone virtually and never actually meet, commit to eachother etc.

Too many people waste too much time on dirt track distractions and lose complete sight of what it is they actually want and need.

OP - Removing this person from the equation, ask yourself what you actually want from a potential partner and then figure out if this girl can give this to you?

Sometimes it's easier and cleaner to start again

jimbob1982

LolaJJ wrote: »

I find it alarming that you were able to maintain an interest in someone you have never met for 18 months!!!

Ask yourself why you went on POF? Was it to make a meaningful connection with a real live human being?

Or to engage with someone virtually and never actually meet, commit to eachother etc.

Too many people waste too much time on dirt track distractions and lose complete sight of what it is they actually want and need.

OP - Removing this person from the equation, ask yourself what you actually want from a potential partner and then figure out if this girl can give this to you?

Sometimes it's easier and cleaner to start again

And you're right.It is alarming to me too and I have said it to her too.I have said " if you'd told me 18 months ago that we would have such a wholesome friendship with so much fun still , I wouldn't believe it".
So you're right.It is amazing but this woman and I really clicked so well that I had gotten comfortable just chatting to her. I always kinda knew one day she would want to meet. She has had it so rough.You have no idea. I can understand her reasons for taking it so slow. And there are times I'm filled with anxiety and that horrible feeling of being pulled away but I really don't think we just get turned off by someone at the drop of a hat and for me it's my own insecurities and fear of intimacy that's driving me away. Maybe I love her too much to be in a relationship because I don't think either the two of us want to lose each other.

Dial Hard

jimbob1982 wrote: »

And you're right.It is alarming to me too and I have said it to her too.I have said " if you'd told me 18 months ago that we would have such a wholesome friendship with so much fun still , I wouldn't believe it".

I think you've entirely missed the point of what LolaJJ was actually saying.

miamee

jimbob1982 wrote: »

And you're right.It is alarming to me too and I have said it to her too.I have said " if you'd told me 18 months ago that we would have such a wholesome friendship with so much fun still , I wouldn't believe it".
So you're right.It is amazing but this woman and I really clicked so well that I had gotten comfortable just chatting to her. I always kinda knew one day she would want to meet. She has had it so rough.You have no idea. I can understand her reasons for taking it so slow. And there are times I'm filled with anxiety and that horrible feeling of being pulled away but I really don't think we just get turned off by someone at the drop of a hat and for me it's my own insecurities and fear of intimacy that's driving me away. Maybe I love her too much to be in a relationship because I don't think either the two of us want to lose each other.

What happened to losing interest in her after the chase?! Now you think you love her.

I really think you need to take a long look at yourself and what you are doing here. Unless she lives on another continent there is no real reason not to have met in the last 18 months, is there? It seems to me that the pair of you are just enabling each other to feel like you are pursuing a relationship when in reality neither one of you are interested in one.

professore

jimbob1982 wrote: »

She has had it so rough.You have no idea. I can understand her reasons for taking it so slow.

Sorry to be harsh but ....

She is a DRAMA QUEEN who loves ATTENTION. This is a common ploy to tell someone you want to hook the horrible things that have happened so as to elicit empathy in the other person. I would wager at least half the things she told you aren't true and the rest wildly exaggerated. She sees you are going off her and now wants to meet up to keep you hooked.
I also bet she is off meeting up and sleeping with guys she actually fancies, and they get NONE of the drama you get.

Get out in the real world and meet some real women. Please don't waste another 18 months on chatting to time wasters like this again.

milli milli

jimbob1982 wrote: »

What I mean by the chase is when are finally decides to meet up, I lose interest SUDDENLY

OP I think this is more that you are afraid that reality will destroy the fantasy that you’ve built up around this woman, when you finally meet up.
Quite a number of people indulge in this fantasy type ‘relationships’ for whatever reason - fear of intimacy, wanting someone on-call without the effort of an actual relationship, etc.

I have no idea what your relationship history is like, perhaps you don’t have much experience, perhaps you’ve been burned badly and don’t want to get too close to anyone again?
You can build this women into any image you like. A lot of the ‘relationship’ actually plays out in your head too.
Also you really have no idea if you’re being catfished which opens up another can of worms.

Maybe you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you want this situation?
I think it might be comfortable for some people but it’s ultimately unfulfilling. The reason these things peter out, is a relationship happens when two people meet and date and spend time together. Physical intimacy, touching - you can’t do that through a screen. You have no idea if there is a spark between you in real life. Image & fantasy are very powerful but it’s the real flesh & blood that brings the better rewards.

wiggle16

jimbob1982 wrote: »

And you're right.It is alarming to me too and I have said it to her too.I have said " if you'd told me 18 months ago that we would have such a wholesome friendship with so much fun [.....] Maybe I love her too much to be in a relationship because I don't think either the two of us want to lose each other.

No offence OP but it's like you're replying to completely different post. LolaJJ didn't say anything remotely related to any of that.

I know how invested people can get in online relationships and I do understand that. But you are completely overthinking this. Online dating/dating apps are great, but they are supposed to be temporary. They're a way to meet people, not a way to have a relationship with people. This is someone who you have never met, but who you text a lot. As another poster put it, she's a pen pal.

With any given problem the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, but you are contriving complicated excuses for her not meeting you and inferring things that you cannot possibly know, such as her feelings for you etc. It's not that she loves you too much to ruin your relationship by meeting, it's that she isn't arsed enough to meet up with you. If she was, she would have done so.

You have got way too invested in someone who does not want to meet up with you. She could have got pregnant and given birth TWICE in the amount of time you've been talking to her. If that doesn't put it in perspective I don't know what will. This is someone who you've been talking to for a year and a half, but has never wanted to meet up with you - the fact that you are now not bothered meeting her either makes perfect sense.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if this seems harsh OP but you need to get a grip here and open your eyes. To chat to someone online for 18 months without meeting them is beyond ridiculous! If you were really that interested in each other you'd both have found the time by now. You don't love her and please don't tell yourself that you do because you'll only end up hurt. You need to cut this woman off TODAY and then perhaps you could have a look online to try to find someone that would actually be interested in meeting you.

For future reference I'd try and meet anyone you start chatting to online within two weeks, three max.

Tuco88

Has she given you a personal contact like a phone number in this time..???

Id ask no more than twice to any girl, and never stayed chatting more than 2-3wks if we havent met. Burn the bridge fact of the matter.

If you think of it, in 18 months she hadn't the decency to give you 10mins of her time to say hey in person. Not cool at all.

As said before its ment to be temp thing meet asap imo. Shes definitely been chatting to other blokes in this time. You should have been chatting to other girls.

Personally id have to meet her at this stage. You have built an image up for so long I wouldn't be surpised if youre disappointed in person.

Anyway, there is always some other nice girl. Nothing Lost only lessons gained...

Trevdk

Don't feel guilty about it OP, you won over the fair maiden eventually and its normal to lose interest when she actually wants to meet in real life- ugh what's that all about, dating a real life person, can see why you went cold, I mean the chase was over.