I can’t tell if he only wants me for sex

Bumblebee9

We're both 19 & started the same course in uni this year. He's a close friend of one of my guy friends. We got talking while I was drunk (he wasn't) at a Halloween party. I ended up kissing his friend there & got his face paint all over me. Still, he walked me home & didn't try anything.

He's been texting me all day long since the morning after Halloween. He must have sent me 400 snapchats within 5 days. We went to a pub where our mutual friends were playing songs last night. He walked me in & bought me 3 drinks. The nightclubs were all full, so I went back to his apartment for a while. We sat talking for 2 hours until he walked me home. He asked if I wanted to kiss him & so we kissed a bit, but mostly chatted, cuddling outside my accommodation.

This morning though, he asked if I had wanted anything to happen when I was at his. I said no and that I'm won't do that until I'm in a relationship. He asked if that's a possibility for us once we've known each other longer. I feel scared now. I like him, but I'm worried he's only after sex. A few guys have done that to me and it really hurt. He’s asked to meet me for lunch in a few hours and he’s still snapping me a lot after I set my boundaries?

Sephiroth_dude

Bumblebee9 wrote: »

We're both 19 & started the same course in uni this year. He's a close friend of one of my guy friends. We got talking while I was drunk (he wasn't) at a Halloween party. I ended up kissing his friend there & got his face paint all over me. Still, he walked me home & didn't try anything.

He's been texting me all day long since the morning after Halloween. He must have sent me 400 texts within 5 days. We went to a pub where our mutual friends were playing songs last night. He walked me in & bought me 3 drinks. The nightclubs were all full, so I went back to his apartment for a while. We sat talking for 2 hours until he walked me home. He asked if I wanted to kiss him & so we kissed a bit, but mostly chatted, cuddling outside my accommodation.

This morning though, he asked if I had wanted anything to happen when I was at his. I said no and that I'm won't do that until I'm in a relationship. He asked if that's a possibility for us once we've known each other longer. I feel scared now. I like him, but I'm worried he's only after sex. A few guys have done that to me and it really hurt. He’s asked to meet me for lunch in a few hours.

He sounds intense, Go with your gut instinct, its usually right.

sexmag

He seems like he's interesred and is putting the ground work in, if he only wanted sex he would have gave up after the first instance.

Give him a chance id say,he sounds respectful and decent by being open and honest with you.

Bumblebee9

Thanks. I mean I have a good feeling about him but I just have my guard up as I’ve dealt with so many lads that run the minute I say I need time before having sex. His response to it was nice, he said he understood etc. I don’t think I would have kissed me only for I asked him drunkenly, “so are we or....?” a few hours before we kissed.

woodchuck

OP if he's interested in a real relationship with you, he'll respect your boundaries and be willing to wait.

Having said that, the volume of texts he's sending would be a little worrying to me. Often it can be the ones who are extremely intense in the beginning that you need to be careful of. So just make sure to keep your wits about you and don't do anything you're not comfortable with! Always trust your own gut in these matters - it's usually right.

Also just be careful about having one person monopolising all of your time/attention. Especially since you've just started college, make sure not to neglect any opportunities you have to forge new friendship for the sake of a guy!

Bumblebee9

Yeah it seems a bit much. Hopefully he’ll lay off a bit soon. And I totally agree with your last point, while I do want a boyfriend in general, I don’t want one who uses up all my time because I really want to make the most of college and do well academically.

osarusan

Most of his face-to-face behaviour seems fine to me? Doesn't sound like he has been too pushy.

But the 400 snapchats in 5 days is a nightmare and much too intense.

It sounds like you have some...criteria...for want of a better word, before you will be happy to sleep with somebody. That's absolutely fine and I'd advise you to stick to that, don't do anything different, and if he is still there when he meets all the criteria, you should be a bit more secure.

If he is just after sex with somebody, anybody...he will probably fall away before that.

zapper55

That amount of Snapchats is crazy intense. You were relieved that he was still snapchatting after your chat. But you would be well within your rights to set another boundary saying that you want less snaps, or messages etc.

roosky

He actually sound good hearted......he is doubting himself and i do this too so know why he is asking did you want something to happen......he doesn't mean "why didn't we do it" he is pretty much doubting that your into him and hes a bit unsure of himself and its his way of reassuring himself that hes not building up to a fall!

Hes nervous/excited hence all the snaps etc and that will settle...maybe you could say i do like ya lets see how things go over the next few weeks but try to relax and be less intense with snaps etc

Bumblebee9

Thanks guys, I phrased this question poorly, in that I actually meant to write we’ve exchanged about 400 snaps in the last 5 days. Still a lot, but I’d be more accurate in saying he sent 250ish snaps

wiggle16

It sounds like he likes you a lot. I wouldn't assume any ulterior motives with him, it doesn't sound to me like he's given you any reason to think that he is anything but mad about you. Don't judge him by the behaviour of other guys. And as others have said, if he was only interested in sex, he would probably not be putting this much effort in.

I don't think there's an objective, standard amount of engagement that's appropriate. What one person finds intense is not enough for some other people. What's appropriate is up to you.

He asked if that's a possibility for us once we've known each other longer

- this just sounds like he wants to know if you are actually interested in him.

As for only wanting you for sex, to be honest, there is only one way to find out :rolleyes: :P

You're 19. Have fun!

Bumblebee9

Thanks guys. It’s too early to know for sure yet, but it seems like he actually likes me.
There is that chance he only wants me for sex, but I feel like it’s a lot of effort if that’s all he wants.

Dial Hard

Is there something deeper at play for you here? Because you seem to be really, really forensically examining amd overthinking this.

completedit

Honestly you say guys just have wanted you for sex but tbh, most guys aren't really like that tbh. Most guys just want a girl they can hit it off with and will enjoy being around them, this nonsense about guys being after one thing is like born out of 1990's movies with characters like Stiffler or some ****

milli milli

Dial Hard wrote: »

Is there something deeper at play for you here? Because you seem to be really, really forensically examining amd overthinking this.

Ah let her off. She’s 19 and women tend to overanalyze these things anyway.
It just sounds to me like the OP is keeping her guard up after getting hurt from previous men.
I remember being your age OP and had just gotten my heart broken for the first time and was moving very cautiously with a new guy. I was so afraid of getting hurt again that I was a bit too cool and questioning everything the new guy was up to. It turned out he was a decent guy & he was being respectful - we ended up in a relationship but at the start I was just waiting for him to drop the nice-guy act.

It sounds hopeful OP, hope things work out for you two.

Bumblebee9

Thanks guys. I think he’s a good guy, it’s just that two bad experiences I’ve had recently have caused me to be a bit jaded about lads. We’ve sat around campus chatting for 3 or so hours everyday this week. He walks me hone every evening too as it’s dark. We’ve gone in 2 dates already and he said when I want to be official I should just say, as he doesn’t want to rush me. He’s told his friends and parents about me. There’s always the chance it’s an act, but I really doubt if now.

GingerLily

completedit wrote: »

Honestly you say guys just have wanted you for sex but tbh, most guys aren't really like that tbh. Most guys just want a girl they can hit it off with and will enjoy being around them, this nonsense about guys being after one thing is like born out of 1990's movies with characters like Stiffler or some ****

I don't agree, not for 19-21 year olds, that's just my experience.
Most men that age were either up front about their intentions (e.g. Not looking for a relationship), or trying to imitate one of those guys you described. The second kind were cry easy to spot!!

Bumblebee9

Uh oh, this is the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear haha

Calypso Realm

OP, it all sounds good to me! Listen, while guys (and girls) of this age won't be looking to settle down , neither are they ALL just out for sex and nothing else. Some are of course, but it's worth remembering even those that want relationships (and many do) will also want sex! The ones that won't stick around once it's taken off the table are the ones you appear to have come across before.

Just keep doing what you're doing, watch and observe and let things take their course. Good luck.

leggo

OP the simple solution here is to not have sex with him until you’re ready and sure his intentions are clear. Don’t use it as a weapon, some people will dangle sex as a carrot to try ‘trick’ people into catching feels for them and coax them into a relationship, which you don’t want to be doing either as it’s toxic behaviour. But as a rule you should never have sex with someone until you’re ready anyway. That could be within hours of meeting them or months if you like. There’s no rule you should feel bound by, you get to set your own rules.

Also, there’s no one size fits all solution here. He could have genuine feelings, then you have sex, then later he loses interest for reasons nothing to do with sex. Nobody here can tell you whether he’s going to stick around or not, that’s just the risk we all take when meeting someone. Just look out for yourself, do what you want when you feel happy and comfortable, then see what happens. And don’t forget to have fun and not let all this thinking ruin that!

Bumblebee9

Thanks guys. I’m just going to chill out. I hate just assuming the worst and this guy must feel pretty degraded the way I keep reminding him it’ll be a while till anything happens. There is no sure fire way of knowing and it’s just a risk I have to take.

GingerLily

Bumblebee9 wrote: »

Uh oh, this is the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear haha

Sorry I meant of guys that don't want relationships, there's still a fair amount of college aged guys that do, trust your gut!

Dalomanakora

Bumblebee9 wrote: »

Thanks guys. I’m just going to chill out. I hate just assuming the worst and this guy must feel pretty degraded the way I keep reminding him it’ll be a while till anything happens. There is no sure fire way of knowing and it’s just a risk I have to take.

I respect you saying he must feel bad about you reminding him about having to wait. That's actually really mature of you to recognise that, beyond your years.


Look, the guy has asked you on a few dates, told his parents about you, told his friends, said he's happy for exclusivity when YOU'RE ready, walks you home, texts lots.


Honestly? He sounds like a nice young man that's mad about you and making sure to respect your boundaries.


You've made it clear that sex isn't on the cards and he's still making sure to treat you with care, respect and kindness. Sounds like an absolute keeper to me.

professore

He's probably been burned himself by girls in the past and is being cautious. If he just wanted sex he'd have lost interest by now. At this point he's probably wondering if you are into him at all.

Calypso Realm

professore wrote: »

HAt this point he's probably wondering if you are into him at all.

Really? OP has already told him she doesn't have casual sex, preferring instead to wait until she's in a relationship. Do guys not understand this?

professore

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Really? OP has already told him she doesn't have casual sex, preferring instead to wait until she's in a relationship. Do guys not understand this?

This morning though, he asked if I had wanted anything to happen when I was at his. I said no and that I'm won't do that until I'm in a relationship. He asked if that's a possibility for us once we've known each other longer. I feel scared now. I like him, but I'm worried he's only after sex. A few guys have done that to me and it really hurt. He’s asked to meet me for lunch in a few hours and he’s still snapping me a lot after I set my boundaries?

That's not what I was getting at. The bolded could be interpreted as "I don't do casual sex and am waiting for the right guy for a relationship who isn't you"

Bumblebee9

Little update guys- he asked me to be his girlfriend last week. He’s really sweet, we spend 3 or 4 hours a day together and he video calls me over the weekend when I go home. He’ll even hold hands with me when his mates are slagging him. He hasn’t pressured me into anything yet either, but I’d be willing to do more at this point. He said I can take as long as I want because he’d feel terrible if I did something just to please him, so I should just initiate it.

Thanks guys x

wiggle16

I think that's a good place to leave it so, OP.

I'm glad things have worked out the way they have, he sounds like a keeper, and besotted too

I'm going to lock the thread, you can PM me OP if you have any objection.

Thanks all who posted. grma