Not sure how to fix this

LegacyUser

Tough to write this, but I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this. Me and the wife have, I thought, been getting on ok.

My wife tends to say things she doesn't mean when she's angry. The words don't hurt any less, but it's something.

I've come to realise that when she does get into these moods, there is zero chance of talking her down. She'll escalate and escalate, until she'll vent with something awful.

I got it right between the eyes yesterday.

She hadn't slept well the previous night, which compounded the issue. I was playing with one of our kids, who is just at the learning to talk stage. They're loud at that stage! Any, i'm carrying the baby through the kitchen, and the child is shouting at her, "Hi!", and looking for a reaction of course. Three times he shouted, and got nothing back. This is a normal sized kitchen, not something that could be missed.

I said to her, he's trying to talk to you, could you respond?

She said she'd been concentrating on making a sandwich for one of the other kids.

I thought that was kind of weird, so I suggested we take it easy that day. Said she didn't seem to be in the mood to go into town doing shopping, why don't we stay at home.

Fine.

Jesus wept, I hate that phrase.

Things were most certainly not fine.

Later, on our behalf, she apologised to our other son for his boring, non shopping trip to town day, saying it was outside her control?

I asked what she meant, and it seems she took that as me ordering no trips into town. Which clearly wasn't the case.

I reminded her that she agreed, and I'd only suggested we skip it, because she didn' seem in the mood, as she had ignored the baby trying to talk to her.

That was a red flag to a bull. Seems she hadn't heard the baby. But she only told me two hours later.

So from what I can see, I should have known that she hadn't heard him, and acted accordingly.

She got really angry at that stage. Growling at me, how dare I even suggest she was a bad mother. Note, that didn't happen, but that's what she said.

I said I'd go out for a drive, let her cool off.

That didn't work.

That is seemingly abandoning your family.

And I'm a coward for doing so.

I asked her about that, did she really think I was a coward? (Trying to give her an out).

She said sorry, did I say that out loud.

So she's been harbouring this for a while.

My options seem to be, get growled our yelled at until she tires herself out, or take the cowards way out.

This has been going around and around for years. She gets angry, and I leave to get away from it.

She's even acknowledged that she was wrong this time. She shouldn't have been growling at me. But even so, I'm damned for leaving.

Then she starts sending me messages, saying basically we need to take turns with the kids, to get them used to when i'm not around any more.

This upset me, so I said to her, if you don't want me around, just tell me, and I'll go.

And we're back to my fault again.

I can't go.

My kids need me.

One of them has special needs. Other is a baby. I pay most of the bills.

I feel awful.

I feel sick.

She talking about divorce.

And today is my bithday. She bought me something, but I said I couldn't take it, not with what she's said to me.

Dial Hard

It sounds like she has anger issues, and you both sound like poor communicators. Have you ever tried counselling?

nikkibikki

Leaving the house when she's annoyed at you is not dealing with the issue, can you not see that? If my husband behaved like that, well he wouldn't have been with me long enough to be my husband!

Sort the problem out, don't feckin run away from it. Because that's exactly what you are doing, leaving her to cool off is running away. You are leaving your wife while she is angry and upset so that you can avoid the issue. So that you don't have to deal with her. Did you take the kids for this drive too? Or is it only you that gets to not deal with her?

She's obviously bottling things up and not dealing with issues as they arise either. And exploding then when the lid lifts. Obviously, as I don't know the ins and outs of ye're relationship so I can't say why she does that.

She needs to stop bottling things up and you need to try see things from her point of view and face issues in order to deal with them instead of running away. I would suggest that you both need relationship counselling in order to sort this out or else your relationship will end.

Also, the kids need both of ye, not just you.

B0jangles

She sounds like she's permanently on the brink of snapping and you sound like you can't resist the urge to make comments which push her buttons, then you pootle off in the car until she cools down.

She hadn't slept well the previous night, which compounded the issue. I was playing with one of our kids, who is just at the learning to talk stage. They're loud at that stage! Any, i'm carrying the baby through the kitchen, and the child is shouting at her, "Hi!", and looking for a reaction of course. Three times he shouted, and got nothing back. This is a normal sized kitchen, not something that could be missed.

I said to her, he's trying to talk to you, could you respond?

Like, to my ear this sounds like a pretty unpleasant and critical way of making a simple request


Get counselling - you desperately need to learn how to talk to each other without it turning into a row.

Hannibal_Smith

OP I could feel my blood boiling as I was reading that. It's like you were describing my mother and how she treats my dad. When we were growing up it was really obvious to see that she would blow up out of nowhere and next of all he was all the bad things under the sun etc. You can therefore probably take what I post with a pinch of salt as it's not very objective

It was pointless for my dad to fight back because it would just escalate to crazy levels. She would not budge in her stubbornness. They're elderly now and the way she speaks to him is horrendous. It's not only him btw, it's me too because I stand up to her. We have had 3 blow outs in the last 12 months. Pretty big ones, where she said some awful things to me and I can see she is losing more and more control of her mouth.

I would have loved if someone had pulled her up properly when she was younger. Our efforts were pretty amateur and we really needed a professional to step in. Maybe a couples counsellor for her and my dad where someone actually makes her listen to someone else. Could you suggest it to her?

I bet you are thinking along the same lines as we used to, you can't suggest such a thing while she's mad, because that would make things worse. But you're reluctant to mention it to her when she's in a good mood in case that kicks things off again?

In the meantime I wouldn't engage when she gets irate. It is so hard. You will never win and you will only end up feeling crap after it escalates. Maybe tell her you will discuss it when she's calm. It's may not calm her down and if it's anything like my mother she will get more vicious in order to get a reaction. But i would absolutely not get pulled into the fight she's after. I think it's good you walked out. You will get no where arguing with her.

nikkibikki

Hannibal_Smith wrote:

OP I could feel my blood boiling as I was reading that. It's like you were describing my mother and how she treats my dad. When we were growing up it was really obvious to see that she would blow up out of nowhere and next of all he was all the bad things under the sun etc. You can therefore probably take what I post with a pinch of salt as it's not very objective

Hmmmm seems like totally different scenarios Hannibal so I think you'd be right in saying that you're not being objective. OP's wife, for example, did admit she was wrong to speak to him in that way. But one person being wrong in one action doesn't absolve the other from all wrongdoing.

OP as above, just because she admitted she was wrong to speak to you that way doesn't mean you haven't done something wrong also. You don't seem to have any concept that she might be upset about something. She needs to communicate that to you also, you can't mind read. The pair of you need to communicate a hell of a lot better.

Hannibal_Smith

nikkibikki wrote: »

Hmmmm seems like totally different scenarios Hannibal so I think you'd be right in saying that you're not being objective. OP's wife, for example, did admit she was wrong to speak to him in that way. But one person being wrong in one action doesn't absolve the other from all wrongdoing.

OP as above, just because she admitted she was wrong to speak to you that way doesn't mean you haven't done something wrong also. You don't seem to have any concept that she might be upset about something. She needs to communicate that to you also, you can't mind read. The pair of you need to communicate a hell of a lot better.

It completely depends. The OP may have done something slight, may have done something big or may have done nothing at all. Life with a person prone to moods like that can leave it very difficult to see what went wrong where. It doesn't give them any entitlement to go ballistic and she should be apologising.

Either way neither if us know and I think it's against the rules to discuss between ourselves. Best to give our own take on it and let the op take from it what fits most.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I guess it does seem like I'm running away, but it is with good intent, at least that's what i've been trying. When I don't go, she tends to escalate. She'll say she didn't mean to say x, y, and z.

So I can sit there and be berated, or be a coward.

I'm going to see is she willing to see a marriage counsellor with me.

In regard to whether I did anything, she's admitted herself I didn't do anything wrong, bar leaving when she started getting angry. No quick solutions to this one I think.

LirW

You mentioned you have a few kids and one of them is a baby, is she at home with the kids or looks after them mainly because she works shorter hours?
Could it be that she's a bit burnt out? I know kids that age are really tough work, some are worse than others, I have a toddler in that stage at home too at the moment and even though I'm not working at the moment I sleep badly and are just wrecked in the evening.

Here are the two things I'd do:
First I'd seek counseling together, you seem to have communication issues. Even though you only mean good by going off, it would drive me crazy and honestly she probably can't see the good intentions either. And she needs to learn to not lash out when she's having a crap day, you're not her punch bag. She seems aware of it and I think she's capable getting it under control, you might just need a bit of help to get back on track.
And secondly please take that woman out. Get someone to watch the kids and treat yourselves with a nice meal, some drinks and maybe a movie or so. Dress up, be a couple for a night and maybe make a ritual out of it.

It seems that you do cherish her and you love her, beside the bad run you're having.

I feel for the both of you and I wish you all the best!

nikkibikki

Another thing to consider OP is hormones. Us women, our feckin damn hormones can make us crazy. My PMS is def waaay worse after my second pregnancy. Your wife seems to acknowledge that you did nothing wrong and she did wrong in the way she spoke to you. Maybe she could benefit from a chat with her GP about it, get bloods done maybe.

You both seem to have what's needed to fix this. Love for each other and desire to fix this blip.

I'd echo what another poster said about getting out together, just the 2 of you. Be a couple. You two are the anchor of the family. Look after ye're relationship coz if ye break up, it breaks up the whole family. Sometimes needs to happen and is for the best, but with a bit of maintenance, who knows, it could prevent a break up.

Wesser

I think your wife sounds very immature and very reactive. If it means anything... I want to say I think it sounds like you are a great dad. Suggest you get some couples counselling

Im not am I

Im not am I wrote: »

My wife tends to say things she doesn't mean when she's angry. The words don't hurt any less, but it's something.

She'll escalate and escalate, until she'll vent with something awful.

I got it right between the eyes yesterday.

Later, on our behalf, she apologised to our other son for his boring, non shopping trip to town day, saying it was outside her control?

She got really angry at that stage. Growling at me, how dare I even suggest she was a bad mother. Note, that didn't happen, but that's what she said.

I asked her about that, did she really think I was a coward? (Trying to give her an out).

My options seem to be, get growled our yelled at until she tires herself out, or take the cowards way out.

I feel awful.

I feel sick.

Hi OP, look at what you posted. This is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get help immediately. No one has any right to subject you to such abuse that you feel awful to the point of feeling sick. Contact a solicitor to discuss your options about getting legal support if counselling doesn't work out. You need to know your rights. It may be that she is trying to turn your son against you (by blaming you for his "boring day"), it isn't clear (and I sincerely hope I'm misreading what her comments meant).

You are on the clock now, you need to protect yourself and your children from this abusive relationship.

I hope counselling works, I really do, but you need to open your eyes to what you (and your kids) are going through. Genuinely, good luck.

MissShihTzu

I'd stop with the blame game. It's not doing anyone any favours...

Accept this is a joint problem in that you need to learn to communicate better and resolve to fix this TOGETHER. I appreciate how tough it must be with two small children, one of whom has special needs. Your wife is busy and worn out. Equally, you too mus be worn out working, paying most of the bills and all that goes with family life.

I strongly suggest you try to talk to your wife calmly and without accusation on either side. Listen to what she says in the same way she must listen to what you say. Make up your minds to go to counselling togther - I really think it would help. If she doesn't agree, maybe you could go by yourself. But I think you both could benefit from it hugely.

I hope it works out for you all.

wiggle16

Im not am I wrote: »

Then she starts sending me messages, saying basically we need to take turns with the kids, to get them used to when i'm not around any more.

Whatever about moodswings and poor communication, this is not on. What a horrible thing to say to anyone.

It really doesn't sound like you did anything to provoke the treatment you've received from her. Her reactions aren't proportionate and she sounds hell-bent on provoking a row with you - and then you get in the car and you leave to avoid a row. And then you get back and she starts a row about that. Seeing a pattern here?

It's one thing to run away from your problems or start ignoring an issue, that's not healthy - getting in your car and going for a drive in the hopes that cooler heads will prevail when you get back is another thing entirely, especially if there are small children in the house.

And I never, ever say this, but I genuinely think that in this instance if the shoe were on the other foot the reactions in this thread would be far different, and rightly so.

You cannot have a situation where one partner bullies and dominates the other, regardless of what the root cause of it is or which gender is doing the bullying. Nothing excuses it. Her behaviour is not acceptable - even if she is "burned out", being "burned out" is not an excuse for treating someone else poorly. I can't say I know many women who constantly bully their partners because they find raising kids to be tough. It simply has to stop and that has to come from her - you should not have to coax her into treating you with a bit of decency, by taking her out for example. Whatever is causing her to behave like this, she needs to identify it, own it and get a handle on it.

Ask her to sit down with you and talk about it calmly, explain how you feel and how her behaviour makes you feel, and that you are willing to work on it together with her. See if she will agree to go to couple's counselling.

Some posters are going to say she's abusive, others that she's not. She certainly knows what buttons to push and what to say to get under your skin and she has no problem doing it when she feels like it - and she's done it for years. I don't think it matters what we call it, either way you don't have to accept this behaviour nor should you adapt yourself to it.

Keyzer

nikkibikki wrote: »

Leaving the house when she's annoyed at you is not dealing with the issue, can you not see that? If my husband behaved like that, well he wouldn't have been with me long enough to be my husband!

Sort the problem out, don't feckin run away from it. Because that's exactly what you are doing, leaving her to cool off is running away. You are leaving your wife while she is angry and upset so that you can avoid the issue.

Why should he sit around and take this crap from her? Kids are exhausting at the best of times but her behaviour is irrational and borderline abusive. If the roles were reversed he'd be heavily criticised for treating his wife like this.

As others have said, go to a counsellor and try to sort this out.

johnmaggie11

Im not am I wrote: »

Tough to write this, but I don't have a lot of people I can talk to about this. Me and the wife have, I thought, been getting on ok.

My wife tends to say things she doesn't mean when she's angry. The words don't hurt any less, but it's something.

I've come to realise that when she does get into these moods, there is zero chance of talking her down. She'll escalate and escalate, until she'll vent with something awful.

I got it right between the eyes yesterday.

She hadn't slept well the previous night, which compounded the issue. I was playing with one of our kids, who is just at the learning to talk stage. They're loud at that stage! Any, i'm carrying the baby through the kitchen, and the child is shouting at her, "Hi!", and looking for a reaction of course. Three times he shouted, and got nothing back. This is a normal sized kitchen, not something that could be missed.

I said to her, he's trying to talk to you, could you respond?

She said she'd been concentrating on making a sandwich for one of the other kids.

I thought that was kind of weird, so I suggested we take it easy that day. Said she didn't seem to be in the mood to go into town doing shopping, why don't we stay at home.

Fine.

Jesus wept, I hate that phrase.

Things were most certainly not fine.

Later, on our behalf, she apologised to our other son for his boring, non shopping trip to town day, saying it was outside her control?

I asked what she meant, and it seems she took that as me ordering no trips into town. Which clearly wasn't the case.

I reminded her that she agreed, and I'd only suggested we skip it, because she didn' seem in the mood, as she had ignored the baby trying to talk to her.

That was a red flag to a bull. Seems she hadn't heard the baby. But she only told me two hours later.

So from what I can see, I should have known that she hadn't heard him, and acted accordingly.

She got really angry at that stage. Growling at me, how dare I even suggest she was a bad mother. Note, that didn't happen, but that's what she said.

I said I'd go out for a drive, let her cool off.

That didn't work.

That is seemingly abandoning your family.

And I'm a coward for doing so.

I asked her about that, did she really think I was a coward? (Trying to give her an out).

She said sorry, did I say that out loud.

So she's been harbouring this for a while.

My options seem to be, get growled our yelled at until she tires herself out, or take the cowards way out.

This has been going around and around for years. She gets angry, and I leave to get away from it.

She's even acknowledged that she was wrong this time. She shouldn't have been growling at me. But even so, I'm damned for leaving.

Then she starts sending me messages, saying basically we need to take turns with the kids, to get them used to when i'm not around any more.

This upset me, so I said to her, if you don't want me around, just tell me, and I'll go.

And we're back to my fault again.

I can't go.

My kids need me.

One of them has special needs. Other is a baby. I pay most of the bills.

I feel awful.

I feel sick.

She talking about divorce.

And today is my bithday. She bought me something, but I said I couldn't take it, not with what she's said to me.

There is definitely something else bothering her. I'm a female and I know how differently males and females use their brain. For example, you think that going for a walk to let her calm down is the right thing to do-WRONG. To a woman this means you cannot deal with your own feelings, never mind hers . This is pushing her away. Sit her down when you're both alone and free to talk. If she refuses, ask her to set a time when you can talk. Explain how important your relationship is to you and tell her you'll do anything to fix it. Ask her what it is that's really bothering her and most importantly how she feels about it and the relationship. By walking out in the past (to let her calm down) , she thinks if she tells you the truth about what's going on , You'll walk out on her.
If you like to read , get the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. This will explain a lot . Hope this helps.
Maggie

LegacyUser

Minor update, I've told her I wasn't aware of how much me leaving when she's upset is further upsetting her, and that I will try to change that behaviour. Didn't get anything back in response, but she not good at apologies.

I'm still going to take the advice of some kind of couples counselling, will arrange in a few days maybe.

Thanks all

rizdub

Im not am I wrote: »

Minor update, I've told her I wasn't aware of how much me leaving when she's upset is further upsetting her, and that I will try to change that behaviour. Didn't get anything back in response, but she not good at apologies.

I'm still going to take the advice of some kind of couples counselling, will arrange in a few days maybe.

Thanks all

i think u might find it helpful to read about narcissism and how to live in a relationship with a narcissist partner ..
it seem to me that, her behavior is very close to narcissism as they like to escalate smallest of things to big fights and then ask for breakup.... and they rarely accept mistake or apologies..

Bigbagofcans

It's annoying when people turn this into 'oh it's just a female thing' and blame it on mood swings. So if a man gets angry you'd blame it on his testosterone? I think not.

No it's not a gender thing, it's as the above poster said narcissism.

Whatever the OP's wife is going through she is treating the OP like sh1te. No excuses for treating and berating someone like that for years.

Johnnyhpipe

Does she have a history of abuse?

nikkibikki

Im not am I wrote:

I'm still going to take the advice of some kind of couples counselling, will arrange in a few days maybe.

Please do seem out some form of counselling. If your wife doesn't co-operate with it, arrange some for yourself. Other posters here are concerned you are being abused, only you can determine that really, nobody here on boards can say either way, but a counsellor will help you with that.

Good luck OP and fair play to you for taking control of the situation and looking to get it sorted.

meeeeh

You didn't handle this well at all. Instead of saying to your child 'mummy is busy' you gave out to her for ignoring the child. Then you decided to cancel the trip to town because she is in a bad mood and later you left the house so she can cool off. Did you take the kids with you or did you leave them with your wife for her to take care of them (after you accused her of ignoring her child).

I'm not saying your wife is blameless but this kind of condescending behaviour would drive me bananas. You don't respond to what she is saying you just imply she is tired or unreasonable. I don't think it's surprising she completely overreacted. You both need to change how you communicate.