Keeping your cool while dating!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Not a massively serious one, but would love to hear some thoughts!

I've very recently started using a dating app after about a year of being single following a big breakup that took some time to get over.

The first guy I met we hit it off straight away, ending up kissing a lot and he immediately asked me to meet him the following Sunday for brunch. We text pretty regularly and met again for a third date on Saturday, cue loads more kissing and some great banter.

I like this guy a lot and it's worrying the hell out of me! I'm trying to distract myself with more dates, messaging other guys etc, and work is busy so it's not as if I'm sitting staring at my phone all day. But realistically I'm only interested in him and have this weird fear that I'm going to end up being ghosted, he's going to lose interest, he's lost interest already....etc. Which is ridiculous, it's been like 3 dates and makes me sound like I've got no chill whatsoever!!

Any advice to bring me back down to earth and prevent from getting hurt because I'm getting so excited prematurely?

Unanimous

you are not the only one that feels this way.

But time will tell if it will happen or not so try to relax your mind.

rather than focusing on other dates to distract yourself, focus on things you enjoy (you can still go on other dates cos who knows who you could meet).

Also if he doesnt meet you halfway, then thats a red flag.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks unanimous, I know you're right. I've been very much following his lead on the texting front, and he's been the one to text first / ask to meet again so far. But he's also quite different from me - a pragmatic type of guy, very logically-driven, and not big on texting a lot, so I'm aware that becoming overly emotionally involved etc would massively play against me here. I don't want to scare him off!

Just have to breathe and try to take my mind off him, which is hard given the connection and all the kissing etc! You're totally right - time will tell.

LegacyUser

Stop worrying just enjoy. If he ghosts you after a few weeks then it wasn't to be.

leggo

Alright, first off stop treating it like it's a game and thinking strategically. I know it's easy to fall into that habit to protect yourself but it's a slippery-slope and next thing you know you're playing little games and winding yourself and/or the other person up. Take a step back, breathe and get some perspective. Maybe you've met 'the one' here, the love of your life, or maybe you've met someone you'll think is a bit of an eejit or a dick in a few weeks, you don't know and only time well tell. It's a person you don't really know at all ultimately and all you have is the reflection of themselves they want to give you at this early stage. And you've little control over how or where it'll go, whether they'll ghost you etc. There are no cheat codes to see the future, you just have to live your life and be smart about it all. So enjoy the good feelings that come with potentially meeting someone great but keep all of that in mind too.

I'd echo what was said above about not using dating or texting others as a way of distracting yourself. If this is someone you think could be a keeper, you could be playing with fire there. Many an argument in relationships these days are caused by the revelation of some crossover dating at the start. What if someone else texted at the wrong time and they saw? What if a freakish coincidence happened and they saw you out with someone else? How would you feel if either happened to you? Whether you think they're doing it or not, from experience I'd personally recommend just focusing on them for the time being once you get the feeling they could be a keeper. The rest will still be out there if you learn down the line that they're not.

Lastly the best way to keep your cool really is the simplest: just keep busy. Text the friends you've been putting off and meet them for coffee. Go to the gym or do whatever hobbies you do. Live your life as you would if this person wasn't there but squeeze them in when you can. If it lasts it'll happen naturally that they become a bigger part of your life, let that all happen or not in time and don't start making plans or uprooting everything else for this person. That's how you end up hurt. Whereas if you've barely any time to date and text as is and they do end up ghosting you? Meh, you were busy anyway so it's just a stress off your mind, onto the next one. If they stick around and it goes great? Brilliant.

Unanimous

chilloutchick! wrote: »

Thanks unanimous, I know you're right. I've been very much following his lead on the texting front, and he's been the one to text first / ask to meet again so far. But he's also quite different from me - a pragmatic type of guy, very logically-driven, and not big on texting a lot, so I'm aware that becoming overly emotionally involved etc would massively play against me here. I don't want to scare him off!

Just have to breathe and try to take my mind off him, which is hard given the connection and all the kissing etc! You're totally right - time will tell.

I would say just relax.
You seem to like him so much and you don't know if he feels same.
Guess what? He doesn't know what you are thinking as well unless you bare it all.
I would advise you to be a mystery as well.
People tend to make effort to get something they don't already have if you get what I mean .

LegacyUser

chilloutchick! wrote: »

I like this guy a lot and it's worrying the hell out of me! I'm trying to distract myself with more dates, messaging other guys etc, and work is busy so it's not as if I'm sitting staring at my phone all day. But realistically I'm only interested in him ?

Stop dating/using other people as a distraction and potentially ruin something good. You’re not giving him a chance while keeping options open. How would you feel if he was doing the same? He probably isn’t, if you both like each other let it blossom without distraction

green shoots

Why are you so excited about the whole thing? If it doesn't work out with him, you could easily go on dates with other guys and you might hit it off. I remember after I had a bad breakup, when I started seeing people again I was desperate for them to like me, so desperate in fact that I'd see them for a while and realise I didn't actually like them, and then have to end it! Eventually I stopped caring so much and realised life can be great on your own too.

Skibunny77

Count the actual hours you have spent in his company. That is a great leveller, in terms of staying measured, or so I used to find. Allow yourself the excitement, acknowledge that you are hopeful you will continue to see one another and then go on and live your normal life. Put your time and feelings for him in context.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. Leggo that's some solid advice there.

Haven't heard from him since Sunday now and I get the sense it's going to either fade or be a ghosting scenario at this point, usually he'd have been in touch by now. Disappointing if that's the case as i really bloody like him and felt the chemistry was strong with this one. im doing that annoying thing of second guessing everything, was it something i said, did we kiss too much, did he just want to get the leg over etc.

Anyway. Went to the gym last night to take my mind off it and have another date lined up tonight. i know someone said it's not a good idea to multi-date, which is probably fair, but i figure what have i to lose. might take this guy out of my head!

LegacyUser

Have you contacted him ?

He might be busy..how dd you end thing Sunday..did he say he'd be in touch..have you more plans to meet up a set date ?

LegacyUser

Messaged him earlier today, ended up unwittingly pocket dialling him so apologised and just said hi, hope his week is going well. No response :-/

So I guess that's my answer. Ugh. This sucks :-(

woodchuck

OP I'd at least give him until this evening before writing him off!! He's probably just busy in work.

LegacyUser

chilloutchick! wrote: »

Messaged him earlier today, ended up unwittingly pocket dialling him so apologised and just said hi, hope his week is going well. No response :-/

So I guess that's my answer. Ugh. This sucks :-(

Has he seen the message ? Whats app ? I agree with the above give him until this evening..

I know how your feeling this recently happened to me..feel for you..

If i was to give you any advice on whats keeping me going. Its another lesson learnt and he wasn't meant for you. Bigger and better out there for you

LegacyUser

Nah the texting cadence is totally off, he usually responds as soon as he's read my messages and he's usually the first to text within about a day. I'd be shocked if I wasn't right here, call it woman's instinct!

must be the most headwrecking thing on the face of the planet, this ghosting lark.

seenitall

Hmmmm... look at your OP again, coc - it seems your gut was telling you something there. It's like you knew what was gonna happen. Weird, huh?

Always trust your gut on these things; in my experience, my intuition never lets me down.

Good luck with this evening's date!

LegacyUser

So bit of an update. He messaged in the end saying he was super busy at work. i kinda knew how things were going though and it was wrecking my head. So I basically replied saying no problem, I enjoyed meeting you and drop a line if you'd like to do it again, no worries if not. Then like a day later i get a "spending the next few weekends with friends and the rugby is on. Nice to meet you!"

So that essentially ends that. Can't pretend it doesn't hurt, i really liked this guy, which has pretty much not happened since my breakup over a year ago. And we kissed a LOT and all the signs of physical attraction were there. He's in a complicated situation with a recent divorce and a young kid so i know it's better off in the long run and maybe not even about me here. But it sucks

Does anyone have any advice for these dating app situations for a relative newbie??! I know I got way too invested in this guy without knowing him well enough, but in retrospect I don't know how I could've behaved differently - it was three dates all initiated by him, each lasting almost entire days/nights, i didn't sleep with him, let him lead on the texting and initiating dates for the most part, he kissed me etc. How do you not develop feelings when you have a connection with someone in those circumstances?

ginandtonicsky

I'm with Seenitall. I know what it feels like to just know that something doesn't have potential, that person is not able to give you what you need to progress things etc.

Maybe he is just busy etc, but whenever i've had this kind of inkling about a guy early on it's always been proven right, so I'd say leave the ball in his court and get on with your life. He knows where you are if he wants to get in touch.

I'd also say try to do less kissing on these early dates! Nothing wrong with a cheeky kiss whatsoever, but if you're anything like me it can be a bonding experience that creates a false sense of intimacy before you even know the lad. I have yet to kiss someone and not suddenly decide I really fancy them! Spend the time getting to know the guy instead and seeing if there's enough there beyond the physical to keep you both interested

Hold out for someone that adores you! He's definitely out there :-)

milli milli

it was three dates all initiated by him, each lasting almost entire days/nights, i didn't sleep with him

Maybe keep the dates shorter in future, if you don’t want to get too attached?
Even if you don’t sleep with him, you’re sharing a bed, lots of cuddling, maybe a bit of everything-but-sex going on?
For the first few dates, you’re getting to know him, keep them short and sweet, have him wanting more. You have your own life, you’re busy, you’ll spend more time with him when things are progressing more.
And keep the first few dates fun & light. Don’t be having big emotional disclosures about problems and woes.

I totally sympathize with you OP. I get attached even when I’m trying desperately not to. For me, keeping a bit of physical distance (without being prudish) and trying not to have really long dates in the early days. Purely so I won’t get too attached.

Oh yes and will agree with everyone about the gut instinct - listen to that thing even when your heart & head are writing love poetry!

seenitall

I'll just reiterate a couple of things from two excellent posts above: the key to avoid getting emotionally embroiled too soon is keeping the course of getting-to-know-you stage of things as close as possible to the course of things that happen organically (meaning: outside of the online dating environment).

Act as if you have just met a new acquaintance with some potential, not as if you are after the most amount of kissing possible with, let's face it, a stranger, in the least amount of dates spent record! And yes, keep the dates shorter for the first while. Anything else has a potential to get messy when people have easily aroused feelings.

tl, dr: 1) keep it short and sweet, 2) less of the endorphin-inducing activities, more general chatting and slowly and calmly getting to know each other. Steady pace wins the race.

ETA: my guess is that the guy got what HE was after here; a short term thrill and an ego boost - and on to the next one. I may be wrong, but honestly, this is why I don't do online dating any longer; too many chancers and time wasters on these sites, and I am much too, ahem, "seenitall", to have patience to sift through the mud to get to the diamond

Which doesn't mean there aren't any diamonds there - so good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks Milli Milli. There was no bed sharing, we spent the days out and about in pubs, cafes, restaurants, parks etc. All very PG - not even any groping or any of that.

In hindsight he did introduce some innuendo and comments about how sexy I am etc over text, tried to come home with me on the third date, which I rebuffed with "I'm not like that" and the fact that he suddenly went cold suggests maybe he was just looking for one thing which he realised he wasn't going to get easily, who knows.

I guess I did make some rookie mistakes with the ridiculously long dates, did talk a bit about my breakup on the third one which is obviously not the best idea...! That's good advice though about keeping them shorter - I think we covered so much ground in getting to know each other and then all the kissing and affection...made me feel closer to him that I was I suppose.

Anyway. Live and learn eh.

P.S Went on a date with this other fella on Tuesday, he lobbed the gob too unexpectedly at the end. What the hell is it with fellas doing that?! He was nice and attractive so I went with it, but don't exactly want to see him again. I obviously need to be a bit more firm and exercise more boundaries in these scenarios because I don't think I can handle kissing every first date that I meet off this bloody app, sounds bloody exhausting!

Xterminator

One observation. if you are dating someone, and they know you are still active on tinder etc, they will take that as a sign you are not overly interested in them. You know well the feeling where you are trying to figure out, does he like me, etc, and its exactly the same for them too.

So distracting yourself on tinder etc might be counter productive if you actually like the person your dating.

ElizaBennett

Must have been very disappointing with the guy you liked but my advice from bitter experience is to avoid the ones with young children. Why get into all that needlessly. I've been in nightmare scenarios that I would have avoided if I'd known how hard it can be. Console yourself that you dodged that bullet.

LegacyUser

Yeah that's probably true generally when you've met someone who's really into you about not spending night and day on the dating app at the same time (it's a different one to tinder btw), but retrospectively I feel like this guy had no intention of getting into something serious from the offset. It's clear to me now that he was very physically attracted, but it probably didn't go beyond that for him.

It's funny because I previously would've walked away swiftly from a man with a young child / divorced, but with this guy I was a bit blinded by how much I liked him. I'm pretty sure he's still living with his ex, and he's essentially a full-time dad from the sounds of it, it probably would never have gotten off the ground...

But the rejection is hard to take, especially as it's my first real dating encounter in over a year. It took a long time to get my self-esteem back in place after my previous relationship and it's so rare for me to meet someone I'm THAT into, so kinda sucks. I know if I stay with the online dating I'll probably meet a rake of guys that I don't click with which will make it harder, so not quite sure if I'll continue with it right now.

Trevdk

Mod note:

Trevdk, keep things civil or don't post at all

LuckyLloyd

chilloutchick! wrote: »

P.S Went on a date with this other fella on Tuesday, he lobbed the gob too unexpectedly at the end. What the hell is it with fellas doing that?! He was nice and attractive so I went with it, but don't exactly want to see him again. I obviously need to be a bit more firm and exercise more boundaries in these scenarios because I don't think I can handle kissing every first date that I meet off this bloody app, sounds bloody exhausting!

If you go on a date and have a nice time with an attractive person it's nice to have a kiss at the end of it. I think many people would associate it as a normal part of an enjoyable first date. Totally the right thing for you to set boundaries you're comfortable with, but attractiveness, kissing and ultimately sex is a big part of the early stages of dating. Don't feel you can't have long dates, or a bit of shifting or a bit of sex throughout the process of dating so long as you're comfortable and having fun and your partner is comfortable and having fun.

seenitall

chilloutchick! wrote: »

P.S Went on a date with this other fella on Tuesday, he lobbed the gob too unexpectedly at the end. What the hell is it with fellas doing that?! He was nice and attractive so I went with it, but don't exactly want to see him again. I obviously need to be a bit more firm and exercise more boundaries in these scenarios because I don't think I can handle kissing every first date that I meet off this bloody app, sounds bloody exhausting!

I think you're doing the right thing. Never let anyone pressure you into any intimacy unless you're well and ready for it. With some fellas, exercising the boundaries seems to be a full time project - so you'll at least easily know that type is not for you!

If he isn't ready to wait until you feel comfortable enough to take it further, he is simply not worth it.

Remember to concentrate on building a good social life and making connections with people in an organic and steady manner, it will serve you much better.

ginandtonicsky

Ah sorry OP, that’s disappointing. Agree with others on keeping the dates shorter (and would add: with less booze if that was a factor)

I’d also say you dodged a bullet in the long term. Dating a divorced man with a young child would take a fair amount of compromise, not that it can’t work but I’d say you’d have had a lot to overcome and a lot to take on if things had progressed with him.

Try to take what you can from this experience - although it sounds like there’s nothing you could’ve done here, I sometimes find it helpful to be really frank with myself about my own dating behaviour to make sure I’m giving myself every best chance. That might mean going with shorter dates and not getting too involved and leaving the emotions aside in the early stages. And at least you’re moving on from your ex - that’s a plus!

Remember online dating is a numbers game and it can take a while of meeting guys you don’t click with or guys that fancy you and you don’t feel the same etc before you meet the right person. Just so happens that this time you’re on the other side of it.