Are my parents using me?

LegacyUser

Im 36, single man no dependents and a very good job plus an apartment I rent for 800 a month. My parents are 76 and live nearby, my other brother is abroad with his family so I see the folks a lot more obviously. We were and are a fairly toxic family- my mother is a pure alcoholic, knocks back several whiskeys every day and my father was always distant with me. never accepting me as being gay but love prevails I suppose and we do love each other in some form. Ive always been very generous to them with money since I started working (they never had much money) and now I think im just being used by both of them but im too guilty to change it, as ive always believed "Look after your parents in their late years, they did plenty for you"..maybe its a foolish and naive though but heres what I do for them:

Pay ALL the bills for their home- electric, phone, dads car insurance and the house insurance, all paid by me and all direct debits in my name.

Treat them to a fancy dinner every sunday, drive them there and back- in fairness, they usually pay their own dinner and give me petrol but I often stupidly offer to pay and they gladly accept. They usually have 4 drinks each and get a bit merry and sometimes hurl abuse at each other and im the moderator trying to calm them down.


I bring them both on two holidays around Ireland each year, usually 5 star hotels, again my expense and plenty of drink. Sometimes they are well behaved other time my mother makes a drunken fool of us all.


I pay local contractors to do the garden and painting of the house, plus ive paid out 5000 in the last 2 years for various upgrades to the house. They always say "Oh ill definitely put something towards it I don't want you doing it all" but they never contribute hugely in the end.

Luckily for them, I haven't a social life really-I just work and come home, work and come home etc. I try to head on one holiday a year with some old friends but im always budgeting for my parents needs and my needs don't get a look in. Even as I type this Its obvious they are using me for money right? And im enabling their behaviour? But how can I just stop now, your parents are always your parents and people are always saying to me oh youre so good to your folks, how can I change my life so that im not cutting them off altogether but still making room for me? Thanks for reading!

messy tessy

If you are offering to pay for meals, refusing petrol money and taking them on mini breaks I can hardly see how they are using you.

woodchuck

OP I wouldn't necessarily say they're using you for money, since you're the one who is offering to do all these things. If you're no longer comfortable paying for all of these things, it's up to you to stop. However if they call you out on the fact that you're no longer putting your hand in your pocket for them, then you'll know where you stand with them.

If it was me, I'd probably start gradually cut back rather than stopping everything at once. E.g. when you bring them out for dinner, let them pay for themselves if they offer. Don't suggest going on holidays together - if they bring it up, say you can't afford it or can't get the time off work or whatever due to other plans (and MAKE other plans - for your own sake!).

The_Honeybadger

OP it sounds like you created this issue for yourself but your parents have taken full advantage of your generosity. Taking them on holidays to 5 star hotels is just unnecessary. Cut that out for a start. Make plans on Sundays and take them for that meal monthly instead of weekly.

If there is an expectation that you now pay all their bills it might be difficult to pull back from this without a very difficult conversation. Without being in the situation and knowing the family dynamics it’s hard to advise here. I suspect it’s a case that they drink every penny that comes in from their pension or whatever income they have?

Lastly, try to work on your own happiness and social life there is a big wide world out there. Take a singles holiday to somewhere interesting, join a club or activity that you think you’ll enjoy etc. You say you just work and come home. Everyone is interested in something in my experience.

rainbowtrout

You don't have to do all of that. However they are not taking advantage of you if you have offered to pay for all of this stuff. Can't imagine anyone would turn down that offer. How did they pay all the bills before you got this good job and started paying for everything?

Like some of the other posts said, it might be easier to cut things out gradually. You don't even have to tell them that you are no longer doing the 5 star hotel holiday with them, just don't bring up the topic in conversation. If they bring it up, tell them you won't be doing it this year, for whatever reasons you want. You don't even have to have a reason.

Presumably they have their pension coming in every week. Where does all of this money go if you are paying all the bills? Does the fact that you are paying for all the bills mean they have more money for discretionary spending.... does this mean there is more money to spend on alcohol?

ManOfMystery

I don't think they are using you as such. I've heard of much worse stories where parents have actually swindled their children or stole from them. But I do think they are abusing your generosity.

Ultimately, you are enabling them to a large degree and if this constant expenditure has become an issue for you then you're going to have to learn to be more assertive and stop offering to do pay for so many things. And to say 'no' sometimes.

I completely understand the mentality that "our parents make sacrifices for us, thus we must look after them in later years". However I think you're taking it to an extreme; this is not looking after them as such (paying for care and so on) but is mostly wanton expenditure on trips, food and alcohol. Looking after parents doesn't have to be financially-based - there are numerous other things you could do on a Sunday for example which would give you quality time with them but not involve alcohol or expenditure.

I am close to my parents and they were more than good to me and my siblings when young, but they would never dream of accepting dinner/drinks every weekend, 2 holidays a year, plus me paying a number of their bills. Their mentality has always been that they would be good to their children and family, and we in turn will be good to our children and their families, and so on - always taking care of those we're responsible for below us until such time they can do it themselves.

Ursus Horribilis

You say you're renting. Is your shelling out all this money to your parents stopping you from buying? Or do you want to rent forever?

Xterminator

Hi OP

if your parents have space could you move in with them.

Save the 800 euro a week, then the rest of the expenditure wouldn't grate on you, as it would be for your benefit too?

I'd probably wean them off the 5* holidays all the same.

woodchuck

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

if your parents have space could you move in with them.

Save the 800 euro a week, then the rest of the expenditure wouldn't grate on you, as it would be for your benefit too?

I'd probably wean them off the 5* holidays all the same.

Eh, probably not a great idea since the OP stated:

We were and are a fairly toxic family- my mother is a pure alcoholic, knocks back several whiskeys every day and my father was always distant with me. never accepting me as being gay

Moving back home would be a disaster! OP you need to start living your own life and putting your own needs first.

Emme

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

if your parents have space could you move in with them.

Save the 800 euro a week, then the rest of the expenditure wouldn't grate on you, as it would be for your benefit too?

I'd probably wean them off the 5* holidays all the same.

The OP says in his first post that the family have always been fairly toxic, his mother is alcoholic, his father is distant towards him and they aren't happy with him being gay. So I don't think moving in with them would help unless it's a very big house. If he moved in with them he'd probably find himself doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of everything else. Moving back with his parents would be huge retrograde step.

He is enabling his mother's alcoholism by paying all their bills and sending them to 5* hotels where she is sometimes too blotto to notice her surroundings. If he really wants to help his parents he would be better to try to get his mother to properly address her alcoholism and stop enabling her by paying all their bills.

He should sit down and have a good look at his finances with a view to saving properly for a place of his own.

In the meantime he could start weaning his parents off their dependency. Send them on one holiday a year instead of two. Meet them for lunch every fortnight instead of every week. Stop paying all the bills - the phone would be a good one to stop and let them pay it themselves.

I think the OP should invest in counselling for himself to get to the root of why he feels he has to do so much for his parents. This is imperative for him. If he doesn't address this now he will find himself 50, single, having had little or no life outside of his parents and possibly caring for his parents to the detriment of his health and career. He may find rage and resentment towards his parents bubbling up from deep inside of him for no rational reason but making its presence felt nonetheless. Good quality counselling NOW could help him deal with his obligation towards his parents beyond what is normal and help him wean his parents off some of his help in a reasonable way.

Good luck OP.

Who will look after you when you are old OP?
Do you have a pension?
How badly off are they exactly, do they have pensions themselves, do they own property?

I don't think they are taking advantage of you but they are taking you for granted.

lulu1

Op I don't think your parents are using you at all and I would agree that we should look after our parents as they get older

As in look after I mean help them out with jobs around the house, maybe take them to hospital appointments ect all the normal things

I would stop paying their bills bit by bit and tell them that you cant afford it any more. No need to lie about it .

If they object of argue about it then you have your answer

Ursus Horribilis

I’m going to expand a little on the comment I threw out earlier about you renting. It ties into other comments here about your long-term plans.
If you’re 36, have a good job and appear be earning enough to rent an apartment and have all this money left over, perhaps it’s time to start making plans to buy your own place. I’m not someone who believes that rent is always dead money but I also think Ireland is a cold place for anyone who spends their entire life renting. If you retire, where will you find the money to continue shelling out for the rent on your accommodation? We know the current rental market is a bit of a dysfunctional mess; sadly I can’t see that changing any time soon. Your rent is quite low but what’ll happen if your landlord decides to sell or ups the rent? Wouldn’t you rather be spending all those €800 per months on something that you own yourself, not paying someone else’s mortgage?

You’ve been very good to your parents but it’s time for you to get selfish. When the time comes to make big decisions about your parents and their care, you’re not going to get much help from your brother. I’m long enough in the tooth to know that when this tricky subject comes up, siblings who can run to the hills run to the hills. You’re the male equivalent of the usual person to whom these responsibilities usually fall – the (single) daughter who lives nearby. Now is the time to be laying down markers and setting boundaries. That while you are willing to help, you’re not going to give up your whole life to help your parents.

if you think you’d like to buy your own place, getting the money together for the deposit would be a great “out” for you. No more expensive holidays etc. As the others have said, gradually cutting back on things is the way to go. You’re not being unreasonable in this either – you’re paying for far more than most people do. I don't believe they are using you but you have put yourself into the position where you're bankrolling them. It's time to call a halt to that and look after your own future.

Ghekko

You are going way above and beyond the call of any duty here op. You have set them up to expect this lavish lifestyle and you need to start pulling back a bit and living your own life and more importantly saving towards your own future. As suggested, cut out the holidays, go away with your own friends and don't feel a bit guilty. Tell them you are reviewing your financial status and it is apparent you are being left short for your own needs.

There is absolutely no obligation on an adult child to fund or help a parent. Parents choose to have kids and look after them, however they should never expect to be financially assisted by their children in their elderly years. We all need to ensure that we provide for our own future financial needs. Have you a good pension plan/savings?

By paying all your parents bills etc you are enabling them to have the funds to then drink their money away. So step back, call off the Sunday dinners for a month or so and then bring them out once a month if it suits. Book your own holiday and if they ask about a holiday tell them you are not available this time but suggest they go and book their own break away - don't offer to pay. Suggest that they visit your brother abroad - let him feed them for a couple of weeks.

BrokenArrows

From your description your parents are not using you as you are doing all of this stuff on your own.

To me it sounds like you are trying to buy your parents love. (My other half has the same issue. Gets treated like **** and then offers to buy expensive stuff for them)

My 2 cents:

1. Tell your parents that you need to start saving money for a deposit and that you will be SIGNIFICANTLY cutting back on the money being spent.

Feel free to bring your parents out for dinner but it doesn't need to be every week and it doesn't need to be fancy. Nothing wrong with a pub lunch.

Nothing wrong with bringing your parents on a holiday occasionally but 5* hotels is excessive. Stay in a 3* or B&B. Also twice a year might be too much.

Dial Hard

Forgive me if you've said and I missed it, but *why* are you doing all this for them???