Frustrating and clingy friend

LegacyUser

I just finished college in May and got a graduate job in a new city. I enjoyed college but went from primary to secondary to college with all the same people and have been desperate for a change since I got to go on Erasmus on my own in third year.

My patience has been wearing so thin with a girl I've known a long time, I haven't said anything to her or anyone else about it, and I'm not really sure how to phrase this post without coming across as an awful friend myself. We lived in houseshares together along with others over the years, in my final year it slowly became obvious to me that we are probably only 'friends' because we've been in each others lives so long if that makes sense. I really don't think we have much in common and find her very overly sensitive and quite immature. I feel cruel because for some reason she doesn't see this and would consider me her best friend.

I was delighted with my new job and fresh start but she is constantly looking to move to my city and even applied for a job at my company. She asked if I'd find a new house-share with her so we could live together, I said no I wasn't moving house again and I'm happy in my house-share now. She sends me rooms she 'could rent' close to my address in the city and applies for jobs near where my job is. I haven't encouraged any of this but obviously haven't told her to go away either.

In an effort to deter her I did say that I wasn't planning on staying in this city long and do plan to move abroad hopefully in Spring. Now she's dropping hints about how great it would be to travel and live somewhere new. I'm going abroad on my own and won't compromise on it but I don't know how to say that without sounding so cruel and cold hearted? Even if I did want to go with someone she would be the last person I'd want to do it with, she constantly needed reminding in house-shares about rent and bills, couldn't manage her grant money, wouldn't get a job, didn't know how to clean or wash anything, was always in everyones personal space despite being told about people wanting alone time, and came home from her Erasmus semester after 3 weeks because she couldn't cope on her own and almost destroyed her degree by not telling the college.

I'm trying to keep my plans under wraps and wouldn't actively reach out or message/call her, but she presses and pries a lot. I'm not looking to hurt her or have an argument about this, but is it inevitable? It seems like such a terrible thing to tell someone you've grown apart and I'm frustrated that she can't see it herself...

StinkyMunkey

Sounds more like the annoying younger sibling following you around. It seems you have been the one stable constant in her life, so now that she is out in the big bad world she is gravitating towards you.

Apart from telling her to feck off, all you can really do is slowly wean her off you. Little by little reduce contact and interaction with you. She won't like it, but you don't owe her a life.

Just because your not willing to spoon feed your friend doesn't make you a bad person.

If her past history of room sharing is anything to go by, you don't want her in the same job as you. If it comes to it be sure not to endorse her application if asked by your employer.

At some stage it will slowly sink in your not prepared to hold her hand through life, and she will latch onto the next person.

Good luck OP, this won't change over night.

Addle

You could make it about you rather that her, as in 'I want/need to do this for me', rather than telling her that you don't want her around.

LegacyUser

It may be that you just end up having to say it outright to her. Some people are really bad a picking up hints. Before it comes to that though maybe try turning it around on her. E.g. if she's talking about wanting to go abroad ask her where she's thinking of going? Maybe comment on how empowering it is to travel alone and how brave she'll be to do it by herself. Keep making references to her doing it by alone. If she's trying to suss out your plans keep making references to how excited you are to be doing this by yourself, how you can't wait to start fresh by yourself. Maybe even comment on how happy you'll be that no one will be coming with you. Even say you don't want anyone coming with you. She might start getting the hint if you keep using the word "alone".

rainbowtrout

patiencewearingthin wrote: »

In an effort to deter her I did say that I wasn't planning on staying in this city long and do plan to move abroad hopefully in Spring. Now she's dropping hints about how great it would be to travel and live somewhere new. I'm going abroad on my own and won't compromise on it but I don't know how to say that without sounding so cruel and cold hearted?

You don't have to tell her anything. Just make your plans and go when it suits you. If you reduce contact, so that the only contact is when she contacts you, then that will lessen the problem. If you do maintain some sort of contact in the meantime, just tell her that you've made no concrete plans regarding when you are going or where you are going.

If she does wheedle the information from other sources and is trying to tag along, then you just have to be firm and say that you need to do this alone and you are not travelling with anyone.

Tiddlypeeps

I think you just need to rip the band-aid off and tell her you have grown apart and you don't really want her to be part of your life anymore.

It will hurt her, but so will slowly phasing her out like others are suggesting. The only difference is the later will drag out the hurt over months/years where she questions her sanity, if the friendship really is drifting and questioning what she has done wrong. It also means you having to deal with the awkwardness of constantly having to fob her off and dodge awkward questions/interactions.

The conversation will suck but at lest that will be the end of it, she can move on and invest her energy in other friendships that actually have a chance and you can move out without having to constantly dance around the issue.