Bully aunt - what to do?

LegacyUser

I have an aunt who I suspect has some sort of personality disorder, she's viscous, belittling, obsessed with money and an over all awful person. Every encounter I have with her consists of subtle and not so subtle digs, judgmental comments and nasty remarks. She's been this way as long as I can remember. She bullied my mother from when they were small and continuous to belittle her, says hurtful things, starts conversations with the intentions of getting under her skin or to get a rise out of her through bringing up certain topics that she knows upsets my mother and makes judgmental and vile comments about me and my siblings. She genuinely enjoys causing hurt. She has this smug look on her face when she's saying something nasty and you can hear the pure glee behind her voice when she's making digs.
I avoid this woman like the plague, I avoid going anywhere where she might be but sometimes seeing her is unavoidable.
Every time my mother speaks to her she comes away upset and angry, ive told her not to engage in conversation with her, ignore her and don't get into conversations regarding issues that she finds upsetting - I've told her to walk away from her when she starts to get nasty but she doesn't listen. Every time she sees my aunt she's friendly and desperately tries to get this aunt to like her, if this aunt say's or does something nice - which is rare and only because she wants my mother on her side for one reason or another or she's looking for something, my mother comes and tells me about it, delighted with herself that her sister showed a little bit of respect towards her - this always turns out to be a tactic by my aunt and my mother falls for it every time, she's even reduced herself to belittling me along with her sister in an attempt to get her to like her.
My mother has a tendency to act like her sister (although not as bad) until she's stood up too, ive been at the wrong end of it a number of times, she bullied me for a number of years when I was younger which resulted in me having a suicide attempt. - This goes to show how nasty they can be but that said my mother has never been as vile as her sister, she's on her own level.

I understand that its her business, I don't interfere - Ive only ever told her to walk away from my aunt/avoid her when she's been upset after an interaction with her. What gets to me though is how defensive my mother is regarding her sister and how fearful she is of saying anything negative about her - she fears their mother is looking down and will send her bad luck for talking negatively about my aunt.

Now my aunt is currently in the process of destroying something my mother has been talking about doing for awhile now, she openly admitted this to myself and my mother in a previous interaction. A few days after this she showed up at a family event on my fathers side, when I saw her I couldnt help but give her blank stare and turn my back. She had no reason to be there, I asked my mother why she turned up but my mother became very defensive and said she was glad she was there. - I didn't get into it with her just said ok and left it at that.

Everytime this woman belittles, insults, or takes digs at me I remain calm and leave the room but this is becoming increasingly difficult for me to do and one of these days I am going to tell her exactly what I think of her but what really gets to me is how much of a doormat my mother is when it comes to this aunt. I wouldnt care only its beginning to effect something my mother has hoped for and has been working to make happen, her sister is actively interfering just to cause annoyance and hurt.
Im just wondering what others would do in this situation?

strandroad

I would do nothing, they are both adults. You're not going to protect your mother if she won't protect herself.
Continue avoiding the aunt, it seems to be working.

Kevin Finnerty

From reading it I think there's some event in both their lives that they both haven't acknowledged yet. It happened to both of them at the same time and shouldn't have, but your aunt is holding sway over your mother regarding it.

Definitely something they need to sort out or stay away from each other for good.

Could be completely wrong no harm intended OP.

Emme

Your mother is an adult and old enough to make your own decisions. I don't know who bullied you to a suicide attempt when you were younger but it is shocking.

Your aunt definitely sounds like a narcissist and your mother is naturally deeply affected by it. So are you. The book "Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride may apply more to your aunt than to your mother but I would recommend that you read it.

If you can afford it consider getting counselling.

Take care of yourself and let your mother take care of herself.

wiggle16

Familyissues123 wrote: »

Everytime this woman belittles, insults, or takes digs at me I remain calm and leave the room but this is becoming increasingly difficult for me to do and one of these days I am going to tell her exactly what I think of her [...]

I don't know how you haven't done this already.

Don't get me wrong. You are completely right to ignore her, and you should absolutely continue to do so. You have no relationship with this horrible woman. She has no problem belittling you. You are doing right by simply avoiding her and you have the patience of a saint.

I take it you are afraid of pushing your mother towards her and away from you if you stand up to her crone of a sister, but to be honest it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your mother when it comes to your aunt, anyway. She does not defend you, does not call her sister out on it when your aunt gets at you and has even joined in.

She knows by now that every time she has an interaction with her, she comes away upset and angry.
She knows by now that her sister doesn't care about her happiness or feelings.
She knows how your aunt treats you, and how you feel about your aunt as a result, but still defends her. And joins in. Therefore she does not see this behaviour towards you or towards her as a problem.

Your mother, God knows why, wants a relationship with your aunt. Let her. She has already shown that she will let her sister away with anything. That's not going to change until she finally decides she has had enough. You can't decide that on her behalf, as much as you might want to. She will have to realise that herself and at this stage is going to realise the hard way. There's nothing you can do to expedite that.

leggo

There's no point in engaging with these people and telling them what you think. You think it'll feel good and they'll end up being so upset or angry that they'll learn the error of their ways, but it'll backfire every single time. Think about it: the one 'skill' this person has devoted their lives to having is to be toxic and horrible to others. They're better at it than you, by virtue of you being a decent person. If you snap back (even when provoked) in front of others, they'll make a big scene and drama and play victim so you look and feel like the bad guy. If you engage them privately, they'll love the drama of it all and will hit you with stuff so low you wouldn't even go there. If you 'beat' them, they'll spend their lives trying to get you back ten times worse, talk about you behind your back and try turn people you care about against you. This is all they have. Play the game on their terms and they'll win.

The way you win is by getting away from them and living a happy life. By totally refusing to engage in any way and not getting dragged down. It's actually the best advertisement to others that this person is wrong too, they'll see you happy and rid of all of their ****e and twig it for themselves eventually that removing this person from their lives could be good for them too. Try push or force them too if they're not ready, though, and they won't.

Trust me, stay away. All of the good things you think will happen by confronting them will not work out how you think they will.

iamwhoiam

There is only one way to get away from toxicity and that is to avoid it , ignore it and do not engage with it . There is no point in telling toxicity that its toxic as this feeds its effect
Turn your back on her and her toxic harmful need to feed her own poison