I think I am losing my mind

completedit

I spent over 4 hours today recording myself on my computer. I just counted up and roughly I spent 4 hours of my day recording myself and maybe 2 analysing said photos. 6 whole hours! I feel horrid looking, not ugly, I'm not ugly but just so average, but not just average, unattractive average. My brain is going cuckoo. I feel like Jack Nicholson's character in the shining, if instead of a demonic possession, he just really really cared about his face.... 
One minute I record myself and I look good, the next I look like an absolute troll. My brain is so tired and worn out. I have been like this for a long time, but I haven't been like this for about 5 years. This is the least attractive I have ever felt. I am completely invisible out and about. This is made all the more poignant because for some reason I have certain angles where I can look good in pictures so I seem good online but the reality is I have a **** tier long horse face. Girls actively avoid me, always have, they've never warmed to me at all. I try to be a confident, friendly and open guy, I know if I was better looking girls would be more receptive but it's like in their minds of course I'm going to be nice, I think I think in my head that I'm this attractive guy and girls will be so enamoured by this sweet and pleasant handsome guy, but in the cold light of day I know I look very bad. Very bad tbh. Bad hairline(but not balding, just high up, sort of uneven and a hair type that doesn't suit any haircut), goofy mouth especially when I talk(yikes, I never want to speak again after observing how much of a complete goofball I look while speaking). My only saving grace is I work out but tbh, it's for nothing. I don't even feel good after I workout, I just do it out of habit and desperation(maybe tomorrow I'll be attractive) 
I'm such a loser as well, my personality is cringeworthy because my baseline personality is based off being good looking but without good looks, I just come across like a lame overly excited clown. I'm pretty dumb as well. I'm a pleasant guy and can talk easily with people but I have very poor social intuition. 
I just don't see the point of anything now that I've finally come to the realisation that I'm just an average at best guy. Girls I like will never like me back and I'm going to be alone forever, trapped with these self-hating thoughts. I didn't even mention that even if a girl ever did like me I have a small...you know, so think about I just need a girl to find me attractive, find me endearing, like my personality, get over my dick size and my lack of experience with the opposite sex all at the age of 30. It's so tragic you couldn't make it up. It's like someone created the most desperate sad act you could imagine.

Dalomanakora

All I can really say is that you should really reach out to your GP for some help.


99% of us are average looking. Most of us dislike parts of how we look or even indulge in self loathing.


But what you're feeling goes beyond that and is at the stage where you need help. Please talk to your GP.


For what it's worth, I'm a totally average looking woman in a similar age group to you. I've dated stereotypically gorgeous men, stereotypically unattractive men, totally average men and everything in between, and men with small, average and one guy with a pretty above average sized member. Sex was definitely better depending on how they used their bits, not the size of it.



There's no reason you won't meet a lovely woman. But you won't now tbh. Not while you're so full of self hatred.


Talk to someone, you deserve to be happy. You talk about being average. I'm average, I know I'm average and I'm happy with that! There's nothing wrong with average. You'll be the most attractive man on the planet to some woman in time. We don't all jump for Adonis type lads.

completedit

Sound for the quick reply.
Appreciate you taking the time out of your evening and reading through that.
What could a GP even do that would help me? Maybe they can, I'm fairly broken, but functionally so. I can still smile, laugh with people, socialise and even poke fun at my predicament. But when it comes to a head is when maybe I start to like someone and immediately I have to close myself off because I know inevitably they will have no attraction to me. That really takes a lot to get used to. It's been that way ever since I sort of came out my shell. I developed in a lot of ways(I developed under the assumption my looks got good, my self-growth was based off the fact there's been times I've thought I was actively good looking) but the girls never came. I am a charmless mong though so whatever about my looks, even on my good days, they would need to be into the realm of stand out attractive to overcome that.
I was actually in a fairly good place for a long time, sure I had bouts of doubt and indulgent self-loathing but overall, I was okay. I might get a picture or something that would put me back on cloud 9 before my reserves began to deplete and the process started all over again. However, now I don't even have that as a pick me up.
Most people are average but I have so little in the way of redeeming qualities. My friends have humour, smarts, social savvy, height, frame. My main trait is that I'm 'nice'.

Dalomanakora

What a GP would do would usually be refer you to a psychiatrist for an assessment of your mental health in case there's anything specific wrong, followed by something like counselling or CBT. I personally found CBT amazing for overcoming my self loathing.


You obviously have had moments where you felt attractive, but taking your looks out of the equation for a moment - it's not just about looks is it? You mention your personality and how you are in social situations in a negative way too. And that's sad. You don't have to be charm personified or be super social and witty to do well socially and meet women.


Lots of women like nice. By that, I do not mean Nice Guys ©. I mean genuinely nice men. People you can chat to, and feel comfortable around. You don't have to be a social butterfly to be one of those people.



Seriously consider talking to your GP. It sounds to me like you have everything you need physically and socially to actually meet some nice women and what's really stopping it is your self loathing and that loathing can totally be fixed.

completedit

Thank you honestly. You're right btw, somehow, someway I need to get out of this self-loathing phase I've found myself falling into. I think it's because I kinda start developing feelings for a girl recently and when I do that it makes me feel so insecure and vulnerable. Always takes me back to the first girl I really ever liked. Was like something out of a movie. She ended up liking a guy in my group that was basically the opposite of me personality wise; smooth talker, player type. Couldn't make it up. I spent the next 8 years saying that would never happen again, changed my style, hit the gym hard. LMAO messaged her this year after like 6 years at like 3am, she was nice, she replied back but completely sidestepped me. God loves a trier lmao.

Sorry btw, I did the typical denounce the feedback people are actually giving in the previous reply, wasn't really my intention, just wanted to flesh out my current situation a little more.

snowflaked

I'm sorry to read about how you have been feeling. I am a woman, and I went through an intense period of self loathing when I was younger (avoiding mirrors, pictures, close relationships, self sabotaging with food and restriction etc). I can understand how you are feeling, but I came through the other side.
The obsession about your physical appearance has taken complete control of your thoughts and your inner dialogue is absolutely horrible to yourself. The only thing you need to work on changing is your attitude to yourself and your mindset. It is the way in which we view the world, is how the world appears. Your perception. For example- you talked about an uneven hairline- people who have no hair or are losing alot of hair would only love this!
I think you appear to have a lovely personality, you are prob far too modest and hard on yourself.
There is definitely a girl out there just waiting to bump into a guy like you who is kind, understanding, funny and looking for love. I really hope you are looking outwards, open and ready for it when that happens. I would highly reccomend cognitive behavioural therapy for you to get a handle on your thoughts. Eat well, exercise daily (classes are great) and try and be as social as you can. Like the other woman said, girls are not always looking for stereotypical 'gorgeous' men. I think I prefer more average guys, who tbh always appear to have a better personality.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

someyoke

You call yourself a 'loser', 'dumb' and say you have a baseline personality but your posts really contradict that.

You're coming across as very introspective but intelligent. You're expressing you're predicament very well. I'm male, late thirties, would relate to a lot of what you're saying.

I don't really have any advice as I don't really have my sh1t together yet (work in progress!) but as an observation you're far from dumb and have significantly more depth to you than a lot of the player types you referred to.

I'd be a bit more optimistic and I have similar issues plus an extra few years on you;). Also if you think you're good looking bloody believe it. There must be a foundation to that belief. Unfortunately even if you are it's not even half the battle. So put that aside, concentrate on getting the head straight and things could start falling into place. Best of luck, keep pounding!

Rubberchikken

You need to get things straight in your head for everything else to fall into place.
Once you learn how to like yourself others will also.
You sound like a good person. I get a sense of humour coming through your posts.
Try to step away from the mirror/computer and get out there.
Introspection is all well and good but the more we do it the more distorted our vision gets i think.
Take care

Redser87

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Definitely second the advice to go to your GP, they can point you in the right direction to get help for your mental health.

As another poster said, nobody needs to be more than average - if you are looking for a relationship, all you need is for one person to find you gorgeous, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

It sounds like your experience with that girl is becoming generalised for you and the more you think about it, the more it confirms what you already believe about yourself. Try to step away from yourself for a minute and see what she may have thought about the situation (not about you) - maybe she was at a stage of her life then where he was what she needed, 6 years have passed and she has moved on to new things in her life.

Apart from going to the gym, do you have any other hobbies? Something just for yourself that gets you out of your head and that you can look forward to? I enjoy dressmaking and I find that time flies while I'm working on a garment.

While there is no replacement for CBT or therapy with a qualified person, I recommend reading Flourishing by Maureen Gaffney. It gives a good overview of how the brain works and how thinking patterns can sometimes get distorted. A point that she makes quite strongly in it is that we don't have to be happy all the time, but there is a certain level of contentment at which we start to flourish or flounder. Worth a read.

KevinCavan

I think you are being very hard on yourself. It’s clearly confidence you lack in general and particularly with women. It is you as a person you need to work on. Maybe reading some self help books and going to therapy would help. Also get off the computer and stop taking photos of your self for now, that obsessing about your appearance is not helping.

ManOfMystery

As someone has said above, the vast majority of us are average. Unfortunately we live in a modern time where looks appear to be everything - at least, they are if you allow yourself to get sucked in by celebrity culture, media, TV, etc.

I've seen people from all walks of life and all shapes and sizes in happy relationship. Slim, fat, old, young, ugly, beautiful, etc. You do not have to be stunning to get a girl.

What helps most is personality, being confident and happy and balanced. And not being overly obsessive about one thing or another. That's what you need to work on at the moment, and try and get a little perspective on things also. Imagine you had spent that 6hrs in front of the computer doing something more social where you were actually engaging with members of the opposite sex and opening up the potential for more to happen? You and you alone control the odds in your favour.

Arrival

OP, have you been frequenting sites/forums like MGTOW and The Red Pill or whatever? This is very like what is seen on places like that and you need to be warned if you do frequent them that they're genuinely harmful places to browse if you're any way inclined to take them seriously. People shouldn't spend their free time analysing their faces and **** like that. You need to seek counselling because this type of thinking is going to push you towards dangerous territory

completedit

I'll reply to earlier posts in the morning. Thanks for your input.
I had a really really really bad day today. I went for a haircut and the result was pretty bad so spent the day again fixated on that. I tried getting over it, was due to go out but in the end, I ended up blocking out all calls and messages and going to sleep. I just woke up a few minutes ago. I didn't feel like I could just switch it on and socialise. 
I think I have OCD with regards my looks. I'm sure someone could explain what causes me to go through these phases whereby I am obsessed(I always care but in last week or two it's been amplified) I mentioned a girl I like and the vulnerability that brings about, maybe the obsession with recording and analysing my looks is to do with that. Within the confines of my room, it's just me and the camera and I can make judgements about how I look, be it good or bad(and believe me sometimes part of my outlook is because I see myself as being conventionally handsome ) and I'm not at the whim out outsiders perspective.I notice that it causes me to shun even basic social interactions. I can't bear the thought of being open to ridicule or even just any comments.

Zorya

You are in a thought loop. Or groove. An obsessive repetitive mental cycling.

It just happens to be your looks you are focusing on. It could have been something else, like your heartbeat, or breathing, or if the oven is switched off. It could have been anything. Don't worry about what you picked to obsess on - don't even bother to give yourself a kick about that.

The obsessive thought looping is a symptom of something else, some deeper unhappiness or anxiety.

I know a lot of people are really into getting to the root of trauma. Personally I am uncertain of the advantages in this approach - it can reinforce grooves, identify us as suffering or as victims, make a monument out of troubles, make one even more self-obsessive, use up years and years of one's life.

Fact is, simple happiness or contentment assuages most trauma and traumatic behaviour. What will cure you is being happier. Seems obvious, huh. But it's true, the very moment you are genuinely feeling content, you will not feel this suffering.

What will make you happier is to focus less on yourself. By this I mean the narcisstic self, the limited egoistic self, the self that focuses inside your head. Turn outwards to the world. To absorbing activities outside of your head. Surf, climb, dance, canoe, act, sing in a choir, volunteer, anything.

The help you need most now is to understand the cycling of obsessive thoughts, especially about your appearance - to notice them as they arise, to actually see them form, and to essentially dismiss them because you recognise they are not the definition of you. That is why you might like to try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it could help you with that. Please try that before any form of meds - I just say that in case your doctor is lazy that way.

You are not your thoughts. Very, very few of anyone's thoughts are important enough to warrant much attention. It's mostly gibberish. But sometimes we anchor into the gibberish and make ourselves really unhappy. Learn not to anchor. It is a simple skill. Nothing esoteric. Just see the thoughts arise and watch them and know that they are not essentially you. And move on past the thought. Again and again until the thoughts you amplified are just trivial background noise again.

There will than come the day when you will check yourself in the mirror on the way out, give yourself the thumbs up for being groovy you, and then forget about how you look and just go out and have a pleasant time.