Really not enjoying college

avb00

I started college in September with a mixed bag of emotions for how I would find it. I don't really know if it's okay to say the name but it might help so it's located on Aungier St.

I expected I would enjoy and find it relatively easy enough to study most of my modules i.e. marketing theory, consumer psychology etc, bar accounting and statistics as I'm not good with maths and I hoped I would have a small friend group. Its November tomorrow and it hasn't turned out that way at all.

My course has two groups, A and B as there are quite a lot of numbers and the lecture theaters in this college aren't enormous like Trinity/UCD hence why there is a split. There is roughly 40 or 39 in my class.

In the first and second week everyone was making the effort to talk to one another as nobody knew each other and I did make three friends who I sat with in lecture theaters.

However, at lunch time we didn't meet up and as the third week set in they talked amongst themselves and I struggled to feel included in their conversations. They also made other friends in the class and there wouldn't be enough seats left in the rows for me to sit with them so I would sit by myself in a row.

I did try to get to lectures early and sit in the seats they usually sat at for various subjects but they either sat a row above or below and I realized these people weren't the right friend group for me.

There isn't anyone else or a group I can connect with. The shy boys stick together and the popular girls are together. Then there are a few people in between who have friends that they knew before college.

I suffer from severe social anxiety. When I was in secondary school it reduced immensely as the years went on and I wouldn't have a problem talking to others or participate in classes.

Unfortunately everyone in my class would be big into the club/pub/drink/smoke scene and would binge drink and club regularly often missing lectures during the week. I don't have an issue with going to a pub and having a drink but drinking really isn't for me- I just never get a buzz from it and can't seem to ever get drunk no matter what I drink mostly due to having IBS.

I knew before starting college that drinking is a big aspect of college but I was hoping there would be a few people who would be shy and not into drinking.

I don't have any friends at all in college and I just go to lunch by myself and apart from the small lecture rooms where everyone has to sit together, I am sitting by myself or people sit two seats away from me. I have joined societies and I do have roles within them but I still don't connect at all with anyone there, mostly due to the committees being mature students or knowing others really well already.

I feel like a lot of people in my class aren't taking the degree seriously or don't appear to be. They leave studying until last minute and use their phones in class. It's an honours degree and four years long and quite tough but a good few miss lectures or come in at random times of the day etc.

These negative traits of others along with me feeling so disconnected and lonely is causing me to do the same. There hasn't been a week that I haven't missed one lecture. Usually around Thursdays and Fridays I struggle to make the morning lectures due to traffic and being so exhausted.

I have IBS which causes me to feel a lot of stomach pain and I lose a lot of energy so studying is a problem for me.

I find it fine to study the subjects I thought I would hate like accounting and quantitative methods, but then the heavy theory subjects I can't keep my eyes open for. I've tried writing notes but it is far too time consuming and I can't stay focused when I read and highlight. There's only two subjects I find I can study and know what I will be examined on.

I'm struggling to stay awake in most of my lectures due to the notes all being online and having to just listen to the lecturers speak. I don't know what bits they say are relevant and what are not.

We have reading week now and I've done no studying whatsoever which I know will make me so anxious as the exams approach- I just can't motivate myself to study or keep focused. I don't know what I want to do when I leave college, I have no goal and I feel like there are so many years of studying ahead.

In secondary school I had perfect attendance and I was always acknowledged as the person who worked so hard when it came to studying and I couldn't be anymore different now. I don't feel college, especially the one I chose is for me but of course I can't drop out.

I've been so unhappy that I even deactivated my studygram blog on Instagram(a platform where you share pictures of what you study and talk to other Irish students). A lot were unhappy I left but my heart wasn't in it and I'm not studying to the extent I should be so I couldn't continue with my account.


Since college started, it has also massively affected my relationship. It is long distance, him living in Cork but I still expected we would be in touch on the phone and text at various points every day. That hasn't been the case at all and I have spoken to him about this but he says he is so busy with college work and clubs every day and that there isn't a problem, we both just need to focus on college( he's studying computer science and is very studious ). We seldom ever text every single day and if we text, the max would be 7 or 8 texts each- no affection, no 'I love you' etc just short snappy forced messages 'yeah, that's good' etc. He is beyond absorbed with college and has no time to be in contact.

So sorry for such a long post, basically I can't motivate myself to study/when I do study it isn't effective and I have no social life/my relationship is on the rocks.

I have talked to a counselor today which wasn't extremely helpful and I didn't feel he was very supportive as he basically said 'it's yourself that's stopping you fitting in' and he asked me many times where are my friends that I would go out with at weekends despite me telling him I don't have any. I've been put on one of those long waiting lists as per to see someone better suited to help me.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I literally don't know how I'm going t survive four years of college being so unhappy. One of our lecturers said there's only 600 days left and that doesn't seem like many but it can for those who are unhappy and I couldn't agree more!

Finchie1276

Hi,

I think your counsellor meant well but had poor expression - but the only person responsible for what happens to you is you. So, if you are in control of how you feel you can make or break a situation.

From your post you sound stressed, the IBS is not fun (been there and fixed that). You have high and very specific expectations of people and if they don't meet them they are seen as a bit lacking. Its everyones business to get to college, go to lectures etc. It's none of yours so why waste energy on how other people are doing.

A bit more relaxed attitude would help you - not so focussed on where people are sitting and who is with who.

From my observations of people in lots of situations the people who fit in are the ones who are super casual, happy to fit in and out of groups and are the ones with an interest outside of college. They are also the ones who go and chat with everyone with no expectations - almost like its for fun.

Maybe the above will help.
I did a fair amount of worrying about friends in the college days and then stopped worrying and it came together - not mr popularlity but had good friends.

Good Luck!

Finchie1276

Sorry - had to add:

(QUOTE - I don't feel college, especially the one I chose is for me but of course I can't drop out - ENDS) Q - Why not???

(QUOTE - These negative traits of others along with me feeling so disconnected and lonely is causing me to do the same) - Q - Just because people decide not to go to college does not mean you do, they are not negative traits - that is just how they are, feeling disconnected and lonely is hard but workable. Break it all into small pieces to sort out.

professore

Is there no group project work or labs? I found this a great way to meet people in the course. Then again STEM is actually very good for working in pairs or groups.

valoren

Hi OP.

College is more than your class mates. I did a similar degree in UCC, Business Information Systems. I struggled with the tech/mathematical aspects but breezed through the theoretical material. I certainly didn't apply myself as much as I should have.

I would suggest that you primarily focus on studying and becoming confident in your knowledge of the material. With courses like this which are a mixture of modules from other degree programmes the best approach is this. Get as many of previous years exam papers as you can now. Just like the Leaving Cert, you master and perfect your answers to the questions. Don't wait for the lecturers to cover them in the weeks and months ahead. Get them now and dedicate your study to the exam papers. Typically a lecturer when nearing exam time will drop hints as to which areas might be examined (hint, hint). Revise and refine your study then.

The exam setter's will typically regurgitate the same examination questions from past papers. Once you're capable of showing them you get it then there are no worries. The examiners can detect the spoofers a mile off come exam time. I would also perhaps get into contact with the lecturers and garner what core areas are the most important (the subtext here being, what will we be examined on). The lecturers always say they have an open door policy, my advice is to use it or at a minimum do so by email. That should cater for your course work. Once you are content that you've got the actual work on the go then you might feel less stressed and anxious.

On the social side, you aren't interested in drinking much. What are your hobbies and interests? The concept of the college societies is to facilitate socializing and fraternizing between students from different courses. Perhaps you could set up a society for areas you are interested in. There will be others I am sure who share your hobbies and interests.

As for not knowing what you want to do, let me say that I am currently in QA engineering. A whole 45 minute lecture in 4th year covered the concepts of software testing, UAT testing, performance testing, regression testing etc. 45 minutes in 4 years. 45 minutes on an area I've worked in for the past 12 years.

You have 3.5 years to decide what you want to do, you don't need to know that yet.

cloudatlas

Can you talk to your personal tutor/lecturer and get advice on the best approach to the course, how to use the tools available, they are there to advise you, take advantage of that.

College doesn't have to be about drinking etc., it sounds like joining a board game society or something a bit quieter and during the day might be more your kind of thing than clubbing societies or tag rugby type things.... don't give up on social activities just be more choosy.

woodchuck

Just on the drinking thing, I wouldn't be a big drinker myself OP. I did go through a phase very early in college, but got sick of it (literally...) very quickly. However I recognised that if I wanted to spend time with my college friends, I would have to go with them to a pub/club as it's just the done thing. I didn't get drunk and stay out all night though. I might just have a couple of soft drinks and get the last bus home - you still get a few good hours of socialising in that way.

Once you feel you're developing a connnection maybe you could suggest other activities. Even just getting a bite to eat and the cinema! I'm sure a lot of people would be happy to do something different for a change.

Also you've only just started the course. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that you need to make best friends in the first week and stick with that group for the next 3-4 years. In reality it doesn't work like that though. It can take a while to make some good friends and it can often happen over time as you get assigned to work on group projects etc. And the different groups can evolve over time too. I didn't meet some of my now best friends until I was in my 3rd year! I still kept in touch with the old crowd for a while, but people naturally end up drifting between different groups over time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep making the effort with societies etc, but don't exclude yourself from your actual class as well. Why not just walk up to some of your classmates at lunch time and ask to sit with them? Sometimes we can feel like we're being exluded by others, when actually we're just isolating ourselves.

Cockadoodledoo

I found that first year was very unsettled due to excitement and independence for many but as the group matured, it completely settled and by the time I was leaving college there wasn’t really any small groups, the whole class were friends. Maybe I was just lucky though.

It’s still early days. You will find that once assignments are due people will start asking others for opinions. You can use that as an ice breaker. If people are sitting behind you, turn around and ask how they are getting on with X. If you are struggling with something ask someone for help. If someone else is struggling and you know, offer to help.

If you distance yourself from people then they will think that’s what you want. I wouldn’t get to the room early. I would arrive when it’s almost full and sit in beside somebody. Choose different people every time, say hello and ask questions about course content, did they have a good night out etc.

There will surely be a Christmas class party. Go along to it and don’t drink. There was a girl in my year who went out with the group all the time and just had a mineral. Nobody even noticed.

The library is there for some alone time.

Don’t feel awkward. I always found it was 50% people in groups and 50% people alone in college (eating/studying etc). You just feel like you are the only one.

I’d you don’t approve of people’s behaviour/attendance/attitude then keep your opinion to yourself. At the end of the day it will be you sitting an exam. When it comes to that aspect everyone has to worry about themselves.

It was third year before I realised what career path I wanted to pursue and I only discovered it by accident.

College is as much about your own personal development and mapping out where you want to go. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, all will become clear in its own time.

Best of luck OP

.......

Cockadoodledoo gives excellent advice above.

I think that your anxiety is at the root of a lot of the issues you are experiencing.

What is being done for your anxiety? Are you under medical care for it, not just a counseller?

Its feeding on itself, IBS is a typical symptom of someone who is anxious all the time (ive had it for the same reasons), physically you are clenching your guts and peristalasis is being interrupted hence you get a bad stomach all the time.

Its affecting every aspect of your life, you are over thinking things, things that might be worth worrying mildly about are seeming much bigger to you. This in turn is causing more worry and the anxiety is increasing.

Can you access mental health services in the college itself?

Cockadoodledoo

....... wrote: »

Cockadoodledoo gives excellent advice above.

Thanks

I think a lot of my ‘wisdom’ is from experience because I was very shy and young when I started college. You have to push yourself into these situations and out of your comfort zone. The more challenges you set and overcome the more confidence you will grow and the less anxious you will be.

I remember standing outside of a room in college trying to pluck up the courage to open the door and make an announcement. It took me about 10 minutes of fretting, thinkings of ways to not do it etc before I just put my hand out and opened the door. It was all over in about 10 seconds and I walked away thinking wtf did I get so worked up over.

If you can imagine yourself in a boxing ring. It’s your body versus anxiety. If you crouch in the corner then the anxiety wins. If you fight back and take control then you win. It really is mind over matter. I had very bad anxiety and found my ‘cure’ in a 2 minute YouTube video offering unbelievably simple advice on how to overcome that horrible feeling. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I used to even say “NO, get back” in my mind when the feelings set in. It sounds crazy but it works. Take control of your mind and your feelings.

Also I never responded to the relationship part. OP, relationships and friendships can go in very different directions once you start going down the adult road. There are some people who i was best friends with through school and I have absolutely zero in common with them and they fizzled away. If the relationship isn’t working then cut ties and start fresh. If it’s meant to be, you both will realise within a short space of time and you’ll be back together in no time.

Rubberchikken

You were an achiever in secondary. Is the different subjects/study/note taking etc putting stress on you and exacerbating the ibs?
This will affect your energy too.

Have you spoken to your gp? Or any gp?.
I also agree with going in just before class starts and sit beside different people. Ask some questions. But mostly go easy on yourself.
First year is hard. Its about getting used to things.
Good luck

DesperateDan

When I started first year I was two weeks late because I couldn't get accommodation near enough. Ended up in Drogheda and the college was in Dundalk. Bit of a disaster, everyone knew each other by then and had clicked. They all drank together etc., joined clubs and I couldn't even go drinking because I had to get home in the next town. Never liked drinking anyway, there's always a couple of d*ckheads that do nothing but drink. I couldn't do clubs because I was working the full weekend. I spent up until at least Xmas sitting up front on my own.

4 years later I was living with 4 class mates and we were tight as anything. A year after that I lived with another doing a masters.

College naturally shoves you into group projects so you are forced to get to know each other. Half of your class mates will be gone by 3rd year I promise you that. The ones that actually care will be the ones you end up gravitating towards. Our class started with 40 kids and ended with 12 of us.

Take it easy, you shouldn't be in any rush to make friends because you won't know each other very much at all until second year. There is nothing wrong at all with keeping your head down until you naturally befriend people of they do with you.

One more thing I would say is that the college system in general is a bit of a joke in terms of the modules everyone does. There's always roughly 30-40% nonsense and boring boll*x you just have to regurgitate to pass. Identify and force yourself through those classes by doing the bare minimum in the process so you can enjoy the useful, fun stuff.

woodchuck

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