New girlfriend past

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a girl for a few months and we get on great, but there is one thing that causes me some discomfort. She's not a party girl really, but she's lived in cities like LA and Miami and it comes up that she's taken party drugs a few times in her life - she says she never really liked it and won't do it again. Now I've never E or Coke - I know they're really normal, but it's hard for me to shake a real seedy image of her taking them from my mind. I think I also feel uncomfortable because I feel sort of left out?

Is there a method people use for coping with things in their partner's past that they feel left out of. If I just did it one night would it help me understand that it's not a big deal, and make me feel part of it?

Xterminator

Hi Op

I would just like to say, i think this issue is 100% yours.

So 1st of all, i think you should adopt dont ask dont tell policy. You don't ask, she doesn't share spontaneously.

don't allow yourself to obsess, look for more detail, cyber stalk your partners old social media etc. Dont look at old photos and wonder is she out of her head etc. develop a routine where you distract yourself if you start heading down that road in your head. EG Do something else that will distract you.

Its hard to tell if you are close to needing professional help. If you think you might, you should look at a self help book, and see if the techniques there help. there's loads of books but check out The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

LegacyUser

Atlanta123 wrote: »

Is there a method people use for coping with things in their partner's past

"Coping with"? Coping with what? At best, you're very much overreacting, she took drugs, she wasn't a dealer. The fact that she had to explain and defend herself and give you this commitment not to take them again tells me that either your judgement was apparent, even if you imagine you hid it, or you were openly critical and judgmental. Either way, get over it, there is nothing to see here and I suggest you forget her past if you want to be part of her future.

woodchuck

@Arrival, I've deleted your post as it's not appropriate for PI

LegacyUser

Appreciate the first and third answer.

Second answer, I was just asking what generally people do to cope with aspects of a partners past they don't like. I know you're judging me for what I don't like (which is fine, I partly posted to be told I was wrong). But I'm actually just asking what others do. I'm young and I don't really have mates with partners who have had previous lives.

I'm not that hung up on it so I don't think I know pro help or a book. I think just don't ask don't tell is a good solution.

Pelvis

Xterminator wrote: »

Its hard to tell if you are close to needing professional help.[/I]

The guy's a little uncomfortable with the fact his girlfriend used to be a coke head. I'd say many would have the same issue. It's a bit much to even insinuate he might need professional help.

rainbowtrout

Pelvis wrote: »

The guy's a little uncomfortable with the fact his girlfriend used to be a coke head. I'd say many would have the same issue. It's a bit much to even insinuate he might need professional help.

He said she took drugs a few times and didn't like it. Hardly a coke head.

OP, she experienced something in life and didn't like it. It's not something you've experienced. It's not a make or break situation. It doesn't define her whole character.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Hey guys

Just a gentle reminder to posters that while all advice is welcome in PI, please remember that advocating drug-use or encouraging the OP (or anyone) to try illegal drugs is strictly not allowed. It's against both the charter and common sense - and above all else, it's dangerous. Reference to your own experiences, where relevant, is of course fine, but advocacy is not. Posts which contravene same will be removed.

Thanks

Pelvis

rainbowtrout wrote: »

He said she took drugs a few times and didn't like it. Hardly a coke head.

OP, she experienced something in life and didn't like it. It's not something you've experienced. It's not a make or break situation. It doesn't define her whole character.

Maybe coke head is exaggerating, though she may well be understating her usage. But the fact is some people have a serious problem with this kind of drug use, and would not be happy discovering a partner used to partake, and that is their right. Based on what the OP has said, it's patently ridiculous to suggest he may need professional help.

tony1kenobi

Watch Chasing Amy all the way to the end.

baby and crumble

There’s probably going to be something in every single persons past that don’t sit well with a new partner. Whether that’s drink, drugs, sex, politics, whatever. You either have to get over it and realize a persona past does not dictate their present or their future, or you decide you can’t, and move on.

Eric Cartman

Wgat would you rather OP, that she told you or that it remained hidden .

The amount of women (and some men, although lads don't tend to care as much in my experience) who spent most of their undergrad years off their head on every substance they could get theor hands on, experiementing with drink drugs and sex who are upstanding members of society now who would never admit to their partner that was their past,

People do these things, you found somebody comfortable enough with you to admit it, I think throwing a partner out because of this is a little silly, the chances are you'd just end up with somebody else who did the same thing only now will lie about it

.......

On feeling left out:
No one has the same set of experiences as someone else.

Every partner you meet is going to have previous life experiences that you may like or dislike and that you may feel a bit left out of. You will also have experiences that they didnt share. Thats just how life is.

If you want to have new experiences, then go have them. But if you just want to have them so you dont feel left out - well thats not a good reason to do anything.

You have to live your own life.

On judging your partner on her past:
Judging your partner on her past is a different ball game.

If there are things that are going to upset you about someones past, particularly relatively benign things, then dont go asking questions that might have answers you dont like.

Its different is a person is actively hiding something they know you dont like from you. But something that happened in the past, its the past. Its over now. And they werent with you, knowing your views when they did it. And you werent in the persons shoes when they made the choices they made either so you have no idea why they made them. So dont judge.

Overall - as you get older and meet other people and your experiences widen you see that lots of different people do and have done lots of different things, some of which you might not agree with.

Its up to you to rationalise whats a deal breaker in a relationship. Taking drugs for parties in LA is very small beans in the scheme of things - in MY opinion. An it probably wouldnt be a deal breaker for most people. But if it IS a deal breaker for you, thats ok too. But be aware that its something a huge number of people will have tried and not suffered negative consequences from.

woodchuck

@green shoots, I've deleted your post. As per the mod warning above, encouraging the OP to try illegal drugs is strictly not allowed.

professore

....... wrote: »

If there are things that are going to upset you about someones past, particularly relatively benign things, then dont go asking questions that might have answers you dont like.

Its different is a person is actively hiding something they know you dont like from you. But something that happened in the past, its the past. Its over now. And they werent with you, knowing your views when they did it. And you werent in the persons shoes when they made the choices they made either so you have no idea why they made them. So dont judge

I have a big issue with this advice OP.

You should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner, without having to tread on eggshells in case you ask the wrong question. This is a horrible way to live.

And "don't judge" is ridiculous... Everyone judges everyone else, most of all people who say "don't judge".

If someone is only not doing something because they think you will disapprove, it's only a matter of time before they do it again. This is a dishonest way to approach a relationship. It also indicates someone with no moral compass of their own and only does something because someone else expects it of them or says it's OK. This type of person can be talked into doing literally anything.

By the way I don't think your girlfriend is like this, she was open and honest about her past. She sounds like a decent woman to me.

Personally it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not you. If you don't like it, better to find out now than down the line with a huge mortgage and 3 kids. Of course you could marry a woman who portrays herself as innocent as the driven snow and she might be a huge party animal in the past. I'd prefer honesty every time.

<SNIP>

eviltwin

professore wrote: »

I have a big issue with this advice OP.

You should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner, without having to tread on eggshells in case you ask the wrong question. This is a horrible way to live.

If someone is only not doing something because they think you will disapprove, it's only a matter of time before they do it again. This is a dishonest way to approach a relationship. It also indicates someone with no moral compass of their own and only does something because someone else expects it of them or says it's OK. This type of person can be talked into doing literally anything.

By the way I don't think your girlfriend is like this, she was open and honest about her past. She sounds like a decent woman to me.

Personally it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not you. If you don't like it, better to find out now than down the line with a huge mortgage and 3 kids. Of course you could marry a woman who portrays herself as innocent as the driven snow and she might be a huge party animal in the past. I'd prefer honesty every time.

<SNIP>

Talking about it is one thing, carrying it around and obsessing over it or using it as a stick to beat your partner with is another.

I think most people have done things in their youth they would cringe over. Part of being young is taking risks and making bad choices. She sounds like she's left that part of her behind so I can't really see the issue, it's not like she can change it.

If you can't come to terms with what someone else has done then you shouldn't be around those people.

.......

professore wrote: »

I have a big issue with this advice OP.

You should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner, without having to tread on eggshells in case you ask the wrong question. This is a horrible way to live.

And "don't judge" is ridiculous... Everyone judges everyone else, most of all people who say "don't judge".

If someone is only not doing something because they think you will disapprove, it's only a matter of time before they do it again. This is a dishonest way to approach a relationship. It also indicates someone with no moral compass of their own and only does something because someone else expects it of them or says it's OK. This type of person can be talked into doing literally anything.

By the way I don't think your girlfriend is like this, she was open and honest about her past. She sounds like a decent woman to me.

Personally it wouldn't bother me, but I'm not you. If you don't like it, better to find out now than down the line with a huge mortgage and 3 kids. Of course you could marry a woman who portrays herself as innocent as the driven snow and she might be a huge party animal in the past. I'd prefer honesty every time.

<SNIP>

If you cant handle the responses to questions, then dont ask those questions. Its pretty simple really.

The issue here isnt with a reasonably normal thing that someone did in their past, its with the OP unable to handle the knowledge of it. This girl cant change her past.

Perhaps you yourself are judgemental therefore you assume everyone judges everyone else. Im not. So I dont.

Its entirely possible to be non judgemental - just takes a bit of practice thats all.

I dont think recommending someone "smokes a joint" is a mature response to the OPs issue.

leggo

How did it come up OP, out of interest?

I mean, two things come to mind for me:

1) I've tried some party drugs in my past. Outside of weed, you're talking literally a handful of times. Weren't for me. And I know for a fact I wouldn't do them again because they aren't something I've any interest in, even mildly. And I'd be much like yourself in that it'd be a massive turn off if someone I was seeing did them, even the sight or thought of them hoovering coke into their nose or off their face on pills would put me off. But I've tried them myself so I can't really judge someone who did the same in their past, as long as it would be in their past.

2) Then again, I remember an ex just kinda dumped on me once on a second date that she used to be big into coke, but wasn't anymore. It felt odd, kinda like a confession or feeling me out. I took her at face value but it was so strange a thing to just come out with in that moment I made a mental note of it. Long story short, the story ends with me discovering it wasn't a part of her past and very much a part of her present. I've said it before here but there's a bit of a code of secrecy around this stuff, in that people who do use it are aware they may be judged, so they'll go in saying "I don't do this now... but what do you think?" then gauge you from there to see if you're someone they can do this with or if they need to keep it a secret from you. Since this ex, I can spot it a mile off now.

What are your spidey senses telling you this is, option 1 or 2, with all that in mind?

Augme

Pelvis wrote: »

Maybe coke head is exaggerating, though she may well be understating her usage. But the fact is some people have a serious problem with this kind of drug use, and would not be happy discovering a partner used to partake, and that is their right. Based on what the OP has said, it's patently ridiculous to suggest he may need professional help.

Professional help is a bit OTT but not a million miles of to be fair. Theere is a big difference between not being happy with a partner having taken drugs because you don't agree with drug taking verus being unhappy because you are jealous of her having had those experiences.

beertons

Just forget about it. Everyone has a past. If you can't do that, say goodbye.

daithi7

For me, it would be a major red flag tbh. Taking any drugs, especially unregulated, so called, 'recreational 'drugs, is dangerous and has serious side affects. These can be both short term & longer term.

There's also the fact that this was her scene for a period in her life. I wouldn't be happy with that either but each to their own.

<snip>

Mod note:

daithi7, if you cannot post and be civil, do not post