Ex moved on

Amb19

Looking for a few ‘....and I had the last laugh’ stories here I guess, trying to cheer myself up. I’m already seeing a professional for the tears.

Im 33, he’s 32. He left me after 5 years together. We had our own house. I was a good girlfriend to him. Naturally the next step I thought was marriage and kids. This was something we’d both discussed.
He left me the first week in August. Within the following 4 weeks he’s met someone new (younger, arguably prettier version of me), within 8 weeks he’s introducing her to friends and family. I figured it out on social media, asked him and he admitted it. There was no overlap, I know that and I’m 100% sure of it. He literally just met her a few weeks after leaving me and they have clearly hit it off.
I just feel so sad that after 5 years together he could do this without giving me a second thought. He had wanted to stay friends but after I saw how quickly he’d moved on I told him to never contact me again as he clearly had no respect for me. I won’t ever speak to him again and I certainly don’t want him back.
Have you ever moved on that quickly? Or had an ex move on quickly after you? I know there’s a strong chance he had clocked out of our relationship long before he’d actually left me but this just feels ridiculously quickly, and the fact that he clearly has no idea how f****d up it is. Got no apology. Just an ‘I’m sorry you feel this way’. Like it’s my fault that I feel bad that the guy I thought I was with forever has traded me in for a younger model weeks after leaving me? How can he just not give a damn?

nikkibikki

He left you so I would guess the relationship was over in his head long before he had the balls to leave you.

But he is a free agent and I would go as far as to say you are now being unreasonable. It's natural to be upset but he's done nothing wrong when you look at it logically. Can you talk it through with a friend of yours or arrange a few counselling sessions to help you deal with the break up? 5 years is a long time.

Rosepetals85

Hi Op, I knew how you are feeling. I am in the same boat, 10 years, engaged and a child togather. The feeling is horrendous. I try to take every day as it comes. I have good and bad days. One day I can feel well f€&k you I’m moving on and feeling good, the next day I can feel like so low, sick to my stomach and my head is everywhere and trying to put on a brave face . It’s awful. Like I said just take every day as it comes.

Just wanted to add that we were arguing a lot nearer the end. Although he ask me to go to counseling. I didn’t because I was angry with him leaving me less than a year to the wedding. I also was suffering from post natal depression which I have only told him now. At the time of splitting he didn’t know I had it and I wasnt ready maybe embarrassed to tell him I had it. Only now have I told him how bad I was. I adore him and I love him like I always did but he broke my heart, it’s horrific op but hopefully in time you will come out the other side. I’m still healing. Take care. Go on a trip if needs be.

bobsbookcase

Thats tough OP, it does appear cold and if it was me I think I would feel the same. However this guy may have been mentally checked out of the relationship for a long time. He conceivably could have been mulling over this breakup for months, slowly coming to terms with it in his mind and eventually doing it. If that is the case, naturally he will be better equipped to move on a bit quicker than you will because you've had far less time to process it than he has. I could be completely wrong though, it may have just been a spur of the moment breakup but that would be bad too just to throw 5 years away like that.

There does seem to be people out there who move from partner to partner, never having much of a break in between relationships or being single for long. I don't think thats very healthy.

It'll feel like sh*t for weeks and possibly months but a day will come when you will feel better. You'll come to terms with this, you'll move on and be happy and it will all be a distant memory.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

What a horrible couple of weeks for you.

He's not doing anything "wrong" but there's a underlying message in his actions that make it evident he was perhaps less invested in the relationship than maybe you realised, it hurts, and it sucks but he didn't rub it in your face, by your own admission you figured it out on Social Media.

The thing is, you won't actually be able to move on as long as you have have an eye on what he is up to. You'll be so surprised at how much easier it is when you are ready to block and delete. It's hard, at first, but in my experience, real recovery doesn't begin until that person is but a memory.

A last laugh story...

My first ever boyfriend. We were together 5 years, I loved him and would have done anything for him, anything. He was pretty mean to me, selfish, unkind, honestly a bit of a bully.....but he also had a nice side and I adored him.

When we broke up, he said he saw himself ending up with me but we were young and needed time apart (this is a terrible thing for your ex to say, makes moving on incredibly hard). So, we moved to a friends with benefits situation, I was still in love with him and determined we would end up together....infact, even after we were broken up 3 years, I was still answering his calls, sleeping with him, being his confident.....everything. Until one day, he met someone else.

He actually shared his excitement with me about how excited he was to have met someone so fabulous, how great she was and how expensive it was wining and dining her, because you know, she was next level classy....

I never had it out with him, but I blocked him and deleted his number. He knew he had pushed me too far...

We wound up getting back in touch through our jobs....we weren't friends but would exchange the odd whatsapp message.

Another few years later -
Me: several failed short term relationships...
Him: Still with the classy girl.

He started messaging me more and more, I didn't get it. It was never sexual or suggestive, always about work or the industry we're both in. He never ever mentioned the girlfriend, only in passing, as in, "we were there once".

So, anyway, I eventually met someone great, fell in love, knew instantly that the new guy was the one and I became the proverbial pig in poop.

Next month he's telling me his relationship is over. Reasons: She didn't trust him, accused him of all-sorts and he had enough.

He invited me over at 12 midnight on a Sat to listen to his problems "No funny business" I absolutely lost the plot with him at the suggestion that I would even be interested in going anywhere near him in the middle of the night never mind how offensive it was for him to assume that funny business suggestions were even remotely acceptable... The next day he apologised, said he always meant what he said about us getting back together one day.

That was over a year ago, we haven't spoken since, his ex-girlfriend is still an ex and regularly views my Instagram stories......

The strange thing is, I didn't really get a last-laugh over it. I felt a bit insulted and violated that the asshole could think I was sitting there waiting for him for almost a decade!!!!!!

The point is, you will move on, and it will be a memory.....and sometimes the people we really love are not the right people for us. Best of luck x

milli milli

There does seem to be people out there who move from partner to partner, never having much of a break in between relationships or being single for long. I don't think thats very healthy.

Serial monogamists. No, it’s not healthy. I think people like this are afraid of being on their own, for whatever reason. How can you process your feelings when you are swinging from one person to another? Although I would say, that they don’t want to process them as a break-up is such a horrendous thing.

As you know yourself OP, he would have checked out of the relationship a long time before the breakup, so it wouldn’t have felt so immediate for him.
But I think you need to stop checking his social media - cut the ties and move on. Not easy I well know, but for your own healing, you need to cut him out of your life. He’s moved on, you know that now.
Be kind to yourself, and do all the things you want to do. I find making a bucket list and doing new things, helps me deal with breakups.
But definitely cut all contact, no more snooping on social media, you’re just picking at a scab, you must let it heal.

mada82

Rebound! I’ve made that mistake myself in the past jump from one relationship to the next.
The good news is it probably won’t last.

I split with my ex 6 months ago. I’m still single and happy and she’s already in another relationship.

Concentrate on yourself. I actually think the longer you stay single after a relationship the better. You start to realise who you are again without compromising or worrying about someone else all the time.

ManOfMystery

It's one of those crappy situations with no real cure other than to just get on with your life.

Technically, he did nothing wrong. You guys were over, he didn't cheat and can do what he wants. As someone above said, he had likely checked out of the relationship in his head long before it actually ended - people don't usually just do a complete U-turn mentally overnight without good reason, it's something that creeps up on them and takes a while to sink in.

This belief that there should be a 'reasonable' time gap between leaving an old partner and meeting a new one is just a courtesy thing, nothing else. No-one is under any obligation to do it. So I understand it sucks and it makes you feel like he didn't care, but you have to accept that your timeframe for this whole saga is probably a bit behind his. A lot of it comes down to the luck of the draw also, if he'd had a headache that night and not gone out he may not have met anyone or been looking for anyone. Spontaneous things happen, such is life.

SozBbz

Yeah... as other posters have said, I'm sure it feels awful but he's not done anything wrong per se.

If anything, to take a positive spin on this, this has probably forced you to face the reality that you're over sooner than you otherwise might have. It feels awful now, but this will pass and you will feel better.

Another valid point that others have said is that typically in breakups that arent caused by outside forces (cheating, betrayal etc) that the person who does the dumping has probably mentally checked out months before the the dumpee gets told about it. There were probably signs if you think back, but they're often missed or considered a rough patch at the time.

I think you were right to cut contact. Make sure you block/delete on social media, as seeing him moving on in his new relationship will only be like picking a scab. You need time and space to heal. Put yourself first, create a bit of distance and slowly but surely you'll start to feel better. Keep yourself busy and let your friends be there fore you.

Time heals!

ChrissieH

Hi Amb19,

I am one of the people you asked to hear from; I left a long-term relationship and met someone else within weeks. I'm a woman in my early 40s and this happened 10 years ago. I since married the man I met after leaving my ex.

I know you're asking for an "I had the last laugh" story and what I've just written doesn't sound like that, but guess what, my ex got married 2 years before I did! So everything worked out for the best for everyone involved!

As you said yourself, and some other posters reiterated; your ex probably had been thinking about ending the relationship for a while, hence his apparent ease at moving on so quickly. That's not to say that he wasn't as invested or that he didn't love you as much as you loved him, or anything of the sort; I've left 2 long-term relationships where I was 100% committed and in love for years, but things changed that caused the love to fade and therefore caused me to re-evaluate and ultimately, leave.
In a nutshell, in both instances I felt that my partners were pushing for things that they wanted, which is understandable but when it gets to the point where you feel that the things you want are just being ignored completely for a long period of time, then what else can you do but leave.
(Just FYI, in my case the first issue was to do with my boyfriend pursuing a career in a place that I absolutely hated living - I stuck it out for 2 years without any sign of compromise from him, so I left - and in the second instance, my ex was pushing for marriage and kids despite my very vocal and obvious opinions that it wasn't something I wanted)

I know you said that you'd discussed marriage and kids with your boyfriend so obviously as far as you're concerned, everything was going according to plan but who knows if that's what he really wanted - he might have been doing what I did for years; tried to fit into the traditional mould that everyone else seems to easily fit into. I tried to conform and to do what everyone else does, but it just wasn't for me; I don't care about owning a house or being married or having kids but I felt that I should do all these things so I tried to want to do them but in reality the prospect of marrying my ex just pushed me into making a decision to leave, even though I'd been so happy with him up to the point that he proposed and started talking about planning a wedding.

It was the hardest thing to do, just because I happened to meet someone quickly didn't mean that it wasn't still an awful time - I was absolutely wracked with guilt, I lost 2 stone over the few months after I left my ex and I felt like an absolutely terrible person for months, feeling that I had led him on, I felt that I had ruined his life and wouldn't be seen in public with my new boyfriend (now my husband) for ages because I just felt so guilty. BUT having said that, I still knew I'd done the right thing. It was horrible and sad, I second-guessed myself for the first couple of weeks, it would have been a lot easier to stay, as we had financial commitments together and of course lots of plans for the future that all had to be cancelled and sorted out. It was embarrassing and upsetting and I asked myself if I just had cold feet, I berated myself for letting things get to the stage they did, but the bottom line was that I did love my ex very much, but realising that he wanted a life that I didn't want, meant that I had to let him go to do his thing while I had to do mine!

And I completely agree with ManofMystery - spontaneous things happen, you can be sure I didn't go out with the intention to meet someone else so soon after leaving my ex, but it happened! I was out with friends, trying to cheer myself up, he was out with friends because of a birthday, and we got chatting.. simple as that. It wasn't malicious or intentional; he was just the tonic I needed to move on and make myself feel better, and it just so happened that we ended up staying together.
For my ex, it was different, I know he had a couple of short relationships before meeting his wife, but that's irrelevant, everyone has different paths in life and I hope you can focus on the world of possibilities and fun that has now opened up to you rather than thinking about him being with someone else.

Green&Red

OP,
I was engaged to a girl, dated for 5 yrs. there were insecurity issues on her side that over time ground me down. Lovely girl but her mother had cheated on her dad repeatedly and it impacted her. Eventually I broke it off, devastated but I’d probably been preparing myself for a long time. About a month later met a girl, the complete opposite, very sure of herself, started dating her. Terrible idea, went out for two years, she was a waste of space, completely selfish. The exact opposite to the girl I broke up with, crucially though she hasn’t that insecurity. Eventually saw sense.
For what it’s worth, with hindsight I can see how much my actions must have upset the first girl but that’s how people are after a break up, trying to look after themselves

She married a few years later and had a kid now and I’ve met the girl I was meant to marry