Dealing with Cancer diagnosis with partner (denial/shock)

The Freeman

Hi there,

I am in a challenging scenario where one of you guys/gals may be able to relate to and perhaps even help.

My partner was diagnosed with Cancer recently, she/he needs to stop smoking ASAP in order to improve current quality of life fundamentally, this came as a recommendation from a doctor when we were diagnosed.

The challenge I have is that my partner seems to be either in shock or denial and is finding it hard to take this recommendation head on.
My partner is not a native speaker of English but speaks it well enough and can comfortably hold a conversation, I have tried recommending Allen carr book + audio etc. but I think the problem is the initial 'coming to terms with the diagnosis' that is tough, and she/he does not want to take the terms on.

I would love to hear from other people that were/are in this same tough scenario, it is a tough spot to be in, and I feel I am limited with what I can do for her/him.


I would appreciate positive constructive answers or proposals as it is a very challenging scenario where I want to try and get a solution ASAP.


Thanks for reading

.......

This is an extremely difficult situation for you both and I have huge sympathy for you.

Unfortunately because smoking is an addiction, you see the same crooked thinking applied as applies in alcoholics and drug addicts. Its extremely difficult to quit smoking, yet its extremely easy - just stop eh?

Im an ex smoker myself. I didnt quit because of any health issue, I just stopped in my 30s because I was sick of being a smoker for quite a few years beforehand. But I had resisted multiple attempts to stop prior to that.

You really ARE limited in what you can do to help, bar be supportive. A person will not quit an addiction because someone else wants them to, they will claim they are quitting and hide it away a bit more, but until they themselves want to stop - they wont stop.

To put myself in your partners shoes, I would justify the choice to continue smoking with the notion that seeing as I already have cancer, sure another cigarette is not going to change things is it? Or I would simply not think about it and push the thought of having to stop away from me.

I know from my own experience that I worried about how I would handle stress when I quit. But then it turned out that smoking itself was stressful and being a non smoker was less stressful. I genuinely didnt know that beforehand. As a smoker you ALWAYS have to think about when you can have the next cigarette, when you can get to a shop to buy cigarettes.... Travelling, extreme weather, indoor events - all have to be subjected to military style planning to ensure you can have opportunities to smoke. When you quit, suddenly you no longer have to go and stand in the cold outside a restaurant alone after a meal, you can simply stay where you are and continue your conversation.

I also worried about the physical act of quitting. How would I not smoke, how would I fight the urge, would I be strong enough to resist. As it happened I came down with a sore throat/cold just as I quit so I treated myself as though I was properly ill for 3 days and after that it was not so bad at all.

The biggest surprise of all for me was how easy it was to quit compared to how difficult I thought it must be for the preceding decade. I had built it up to be this impossibly difficult thing. The reality wasnt nearly so bad. I think many smokers fall into that trap, particularly if they have never made a serious attempt to quit before. Afterwards I have always said that if Id known how easy it would be I would have quit years before. But I was afraid to, so I didnt.

So maybe you might talk to your partner about the things she fears about quitting and see if her articulating those things might help to rationalise them?

Small changes might help too. Agree that there is no more smoking indoors. No more smoking in cars etc... To treat being around it as a health threat for yourself.

I wish you both all the best.

heretothere

Sorry to hear about the diagnosis, thankfully there is a good chance she will over come this. More and more people survive.

I agree with the above, if she doesn't want to quit she simply won't! It doesn't mean you can't try to help but pushing her into a corner is going to the opposite effect she'll start hiding it from you. I work with two people that think they're hiding their smoking from their spouses I don't know how they don't smell it. Those patches are meant to be very good.

Finchie1276

This person is dealing with a life changing, shocking event. They see smoking as a non issue because it is a constant for them and a comfort- a sign that things can be controlled. You understandably see it as an essential part of the treatment and getting better.

I think if you can reframe it as a positive for them as opposed to a 'must do' you may have better chance of them stopping. Not about 'giving up' but about getting better, making better choices etc.

Once we see something as being taken from us we hold on. They have to arrive at the place where they see it as a healthy choice for them to make. I strongly think you need to look at negotiation tactics here and use that to drive the change. Hard but I wish you the best.

tanka006

I am so sorry to hear about the diagnosis.

I was a smoker for the many years (typically 40 / day)

In April i was diagnosed with MS & told by my Doctors that i needed to stop smoking.

After a lot of research i selected "Champix" which is a tablet.

My reason for this choice was there was absoletly no nicotene being taken.

You pick a date to stop smoking & start the tablets - so you are typically still smoking & taking tablets for 10 to 14 days

I picked the day after my birthday to stop

I stayed on the drug (one tablet in morning & one at night) for the 3 months.

I have not had a smoke since May - BUT it was not easy

Good luck - please let us know how it goes

Rubberchikken

I think you need to let this person deal with the cancer diagnosis first.
I realise you are in shock also but focusing on them quitting smoking isnt going to help them.

They meed you to be there to support them. In time if they want to quit they will.

Take care

Zipppy

I don't think you can force them to change..
10 years ago I was told if I didn't give up smoking i might go blind...doc asked woukd i give them up..i said in off then NOW. i haven't smoked since..
the point being...it must come from within..