Self worth at an all-time low

Decode84

Im a female, early 30s & I've consciously struggled with low self esteem and depression since I was 19 (struggled before that but didn't know what was wrong with me then).

I've been in & out of therapy over a decade, have made lots of progress in some areas but feel completely and hopelessly stuck when it comes to my lack of self worth and self esteem. It helps me to self sabotage my relationships constantly.

I push people away all the time, particularly potential romantic relationships. I give the wrong people too many chances and am terrified of letting the good ones in. I've been told I'm worthless and unloveable, and I believe it.

I feel everyone judges me on how I look and yet have been told by 2 close male friends (one guy who wanted to date me) that it's my low self esteem is what is unattractive about me. I believe them too, I just don't know how to fix it. I've worked hard in therapy to better myself and to improve my self worth but somehow I'm stuck on this all the time. I'm afraid of continuing to self sabotage and not letting myself live my life to the fullest because I hate who I am or who I could be. I reject others before I give them a chance to reject me. I feel I live in some distorted reality but it's what I know so it's safe. But its miserable.

And yet there is a part of me that knows I'm a nice woman, I'm smart, work hard and really care about my friends and family. I have love to give, I just don't know how to give it or receive it. I'm willing to do anything to stop feeling this way. I just don't know how. Can anyone help?

TimesArrow

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear all this. I felt and sometimes still do feel the same way. Throughout my teens and twenties I felt worthless, was ultra self critical and was generally miserable all the time. You say you've been in and out of therapy, what kind did you do? Personally, I gained a lot from CBT and continue to do so. It definitely requires work. Self compassion and self care does wonders too I find. And being true to yourself. Honestly, I used to think people judged me all the time, but it was mainly all in my head. I still have issues re self sabotage and pushing potential romantic partners away, and that's something I am trying to address. Have you talked to a GP about medication of other treatments? Anti anxiety/ medication worked for a while but I didn't want to rely on it and ceased taking a few months ago. I really do think little things go a long way, taking time for yourself, spending quality time with friends (even if you only have a few really close ones like I do). I hope you don't think you are alone because you most certainly are not. Coming into 30s is kind of brutal. Im 36 and still trying to put it together, but feel im making some progress on my self esteem which has improved most aspects of my life. Best of luck with everything and mind yourself

For what it’s worth OP, you come across quite well in your post.

I’m 40 and still grapple with these issues.

Liv2Luv

Hey Decode84

Do you spend much time alone and how comfortable are you when you are alone?

There is no better person to raise your self esteem and self worth than yourself,
it might sound cliche but it's the truth.

We are always told that we are social beings,which of course has it's benefits,but for a person to truly develop their character and understand who they are,you need to be alone every so often and to enjoy it.

Be more comfortable with your own thoughts for one,i think a lot of people are afraid to be 'in their own head' so to speak,but really it's the only way to progress who you are.

Find out your own skills and desires,i'm sure you have some that are undiscovered,
discovering yourself is key in building your character and confidence.

Once you become more comfortable with yourself,what others think becomes less important.

Take care,wish i could be more helpful.

santana75

I cant remember who said it, but this line comes to mind: "Theres nothing wrong with you only the belief that theres something wrong with you"
It really is all about self acceptance and the resistance to do so. Shame is massive and I would guess Op that you carry a deep reservoir of shame around inside of you. Not shame about anything you did, but shame about who you are, or who you have been led to believe you are. John Bradshaw wrote a great book on the subject called, Healing the shame that binds you. I think it would be worth you checking it out.

Decode84

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the kind words and suggestions.

I will have a look at John Bradshaw and I definitely agree that shame is my issue, I just don't know why or for what reason. It's something I've explored in therapy many times. Nothing terrible has happened in my life - for which I'm grateful- and yet I feel hollow, and worthless. I grew up in a fractured family and recognise that I'm hugely codependent.

As I said before I have family and close friends, and yet I'm so lonely. I'm good in my own company but feel I have no one I can turn to. And yet I'm the one that everyone turns too.

I don't feel like trying anymore. I've tried for years to overcome how I feel, assert boundaries, be more selfish, be less selfish, chose relationships more wisely, lower my expectations, engross myself in what I love, help others etc. But I always come back to this place. Too cowardly to live, and don't want to hurt anyone by choosing not to live...not to be too dramatic about it. I'm just stuck and tired of it.

I don't feel broken, I feel irreparable. And I don't understand what I have to offer people without giving myself completely away