My father has given up on life

TimesArrow

Hello all,
I don't know if I am looking for advice, guidance or just an avenue to vent my feelings on this subject. It's do with my dad. I'll try keep this brief enough.

Where to begin? Basically, I am extremely concerned about my father's overall general health and well being. I am at loss as to what to say or do about it. Up until a few years ago, he was a pretty successful dentist with his own practice. The practice is now failing badly and he has managed to lose virtually all his money. He lives alone in a small apartment and had to sell his car. In the last few years, we had to sell our family home because of this, my father left my mother, his gambling addiction has spiralled out of control and he has attempted suicide at least once.

i am conflicted as my parents have a deeply toxic relationship (for as long as I remember) and even a few years after the separation, the bad blood runs deep. This came more to the fore recently as he's meant to be paying my mother every month and has ceased to do so on the back of increasingly terrible finances. what's more, when his mother dies earlier this year, there was a big fracture amongst him and his siblings, and he is now isolated from them. I have spoken to his now partner (who he left my mother for) and his best friend and they share my concerns very much. He's only 63 but is in terrible health- chain smoker, diabetic, psoriasis, overweight. He has a head in the sand mentality about anything, and if you try to talk to him about these issues he either brushes them off, pretends all is ok or gets ultra defensive.

I want to help him and be supportive, but if he wont accept it, wont make any changes to his own life or take anything on board, it feels like a lost cause. Like the title of the thread says, it feels like he has given up on life, it breaks my heart and to be honest, I am braced for the worst. I should say I am in Canada and not in Ireland but I am moving back next year. I have an excellent relationship with my mother but have never been that close with my dad. We are on good terms and I am going to take him on a trip early next year to try spend some quality time together and give him a bit of a boost. But I don't see his situation at home changing. Mainly due to his unwillingness. I am going home at Xmas and intend to speak pretty frankly but compassionately to him about all this. But I don't expect any positives. It's frustrating because I have other family members dealing with serious illnesses (terminal cancer, alzheimers) and my father is too emotionally stunted and stubborn to address his own issues. My cousin, who was handling his legal affairs, has now stopped. he told me it was too challenging and my father was an expert at laying all his problems at other peoples' feet.

So that's about it. As I said, I don't know what to say or do. At this rate, I don't see him lasting another 4/5 years. Im afraid he's going to drop dead or end up destitute. Extended friends and family have become tired of him and I feel that they are distancing themselves from him somewhat. Im not exactly flush with cash, and i would help him that way (and I will) but I know friends of his have given him loans in the past and he has squandered the money.

Not sure what else to say. Thanks for reading.

Jasper_

Paragraphs?

Ghekko

First off don't make plans to financially help him as you know where the money will go - gambling. Until he addresses this problem I wouldn't hand him a cent. For anyone else who has loaned him money that's their issue and not for you to solve.

While you can make all the suggestions you want, seek out all the help you can with regards to gp visit,counselling, maybe GA etc, there is no point in any of it if he won't accept the support you offer. He needs to want it. If his partner cannot make him see the damage he is doing to himself then you may not either. Be prepared for him to fob you off again and make it clear that this is a last chance effort on your part.

dudara

Jasper_ wrote: »

Paragraphs?

If you have a problem with a post, please report it. If you can't offer advice yourself, then please don't post.

dudara

Xterminator

Hi Op

you know you cannot make him want to look after himself? He is an adult and has the right to make (poor) choices. Don't try to make this man see the light.

I would recommend you change your direction. Let him know you love him and your there for him. Chat regularly, and be there for when he chooses to turn to you. you dont have to make him healthy, or fix his finances.

So dont sour things by preaching. If your offering a trip to stay with you, let him know its not an 'intervention'.

Mod note:

Catmaniac, medical advice is not allowed on boards. Therefore please do not attempt to give a diagnose.

-Woodchuck

AndrewJRenko

Be careful about taking all this responsibility onto yourself. It may be an impossible task. Look after yourself too.