Just got engaged. Family issue.

LegacyUser

I very recently got engaged to my partner of 8 years.
I'm so happy, but already worrying about the wedding is stressing me out.
I don't want to invite my sisters and I'm worried about the possible fall out of this with my parents.

I have 3 older siblings - a brother and 2 sisters.
My brother and I have a good relationship but he lives in the UK with his family.
I have a terrible relationship with my sisters. They are very close and there has always been a 'them against me' dynamic to our relationship. We have periods where we can get along but it never lasts too long as something will happen and we'll fall out.

Last February was one of those times and it was the final straw for me.
There was a family event for an aunt and everyone was there, including my bother and his family. My sisters get quite mean when they have too much to drink and they started needling me - dirty looks, bitchy comments. They do this to get a rise out of me. When they do it I just try to ignore it, but that seems to make them come after me more. I left the table to go to the bathroom and they followed me in wanting to know why I was ignoring them. It ended up with two of them shouting at me in the toilets and me walking away and going back to my partner. I was upset by it and myself and my partner left soon after.
Unfortunately they decided to tell relatives that I had started the fight and that I'm "unstable" and "not right in the head". (I was on antidepressants years ago and haven't been for a long time but they like to throw that in my face).
There was another family occasion a few months later that I wasn't invited to, but my sisters were. I found out from a family friend that this was because of what my sisters had said about me. I have talked it over with my partner and I don't want them in my life any more.

My parents are in their 70s now and they don't need to deal with their adult children fighting, but they also tend to just listen to my sisters. I don't blame them, there's two of them and one of me. I try not to bring them into anything and probably don't fight my corner enough.

My concern now is the wedding. We don't want anything big, it'll be close family and friends only, but I really don't want my sisters there. How do I broach this with my parents? They'll be upset and worried about what the neighbours will think. (Small town).
We've considered eloping but we both really want our parents to be there on the day.
Has anyone had to deal with anything similar?

Big Bag of Chips

You could arrange something very small. You could invite both sets of parents our/away for a weekend and get married that way. I know people who organised a birthday lunch and when the small number of guests showed up they were told it wasn't a birthday lunch.

It will cause problems whatever way you do it. But if you are happy to do it low key and with a very small number of people present, then you can make it work.

From now until then have no contact with your sisters. You don't have to attend things you are invited to. If your sisters are that confrontational, then others will see what they're like. They might not do anything to intervene, but they will see what they're like.

Addle

I would suggest having a short engagement, stay small and relatively last minute for the wedding.
Eg. You could marry on Valentine's Day.
Tell your folks that morning.
Are they retired? Would they need to book time off work?
They'll be too shocked to stress.
Have an appointment made at the hairdresser and with mua for your mum.

The important thing is that your marrying your partner, not who'll be there.
And it'll be fab just the two of you sharing a secret like that.

Congratulations!

jimwallace197

Tell your parents the truth but in a calm, non argumentative way.

They may be in their seventies but I’m sure they still know enough about life to know it’s not abnormal for people to fall out & I’m sure they know enough about your sisters to know they are not angels.

Come from the point of view that you are only looking to have a small intimate & peaceful wedding without any aggro or drama. I would be surprised if they are not understanding of this

Totes

Hi
I advise not telling your parents and going the surprise wedding route. Your parents most likely will worry & may feel they should intervene to heal this rift. Your sisters sound like awful people who would enjoy the perceived ‘drama’ of this scenario. Extricate yourself from this vicious cycle & enjoy your wedding, congrats on your engagement.

Zorya

Congratulations.

Elope. Somewhere beautiful. Have a wonderful time with your beloved. Come home happy with your wedding a fait accompli.

70s isn't old anymore, people play on that crap, everyone should cop the hell on.

Congratulations!

LegacyUser

you've 4 choices OP.

1. Surprise wedding. Organise everything but tell people it's a party for something else then spring wedding on them. There is a risk of people not showing if they don't know its a wedding but that's a risk you have to take. You can tell some people and have them help drag others along.

2. Sit down with partner and parents and explain the situation. Having your OH there for support and standing together may help with your parents. There is a risk your parents will feel the need to play peace makers and will talk to the sisters who'll play nice for the parents and you'll be put under a lot of pressure to invite them.

3. Organise wedding and just don't invite them but again once your parents get wind of this they may try and play peace maker.

4. Invite them and take the risk. Honestly I wouldn't even consider this option as it sounds like you'll just be stressed leading up to and during the day.

Addle

If you change the occasion of a party, your sisters will still know about the party.

If you tell your parents about anything in advance, you're going to make things difficult for them. Don't do that.

Quiet and last minute is best, IMO.

Redser87

Congratulations OP on your engagement. Small and last minute may be the way to go, and focus your energy and money on the honeymoon.

zoobizoo

Would your sisters travel abroad if you decided to have it abroad?

Or bring your folks away for a weekend in Italy / Spain, you could have everything organised before going and then get married when you're there.

woodchuck

I get what people are saying about a short engagement, surprise wedding, eloping etc. But OP, is that what you actually want? There's a big different between a small wedding and a surprise wedding. Don't go down the surprise wedding route just because of your sisters - your parents will probably have a problem with them not being invited either way anyway.

You should get to plan the wedding you and your partner want. Most people like to involve their family/friends in the excitement of the planning, so sneaking around planning a surprise wedding may not be an appealing option.

I think the best thing to do would be to sit your parents down and explain to them calmly that you won't be inviting your sisters. They'll probably try to talk you around, so just be prepared for that and stick to your guns.

Loveinapril

Congratulations!! I completely agree with Woodchuck. Plan the wedding YOU BOTH want and then tell people the arrangements. You may want to sit your parents down and tell them you have made this decision and why. Don't be swayed or show any insecurity about your decision or they may think they can change your mind through further conversations. Your sisters will probably kick off so prepare for that too. If anyone mentions your sisters, have a phrase that you continue to use and don't engage in any further chats about it, like "we don't get on and I just want to be surrounded by love on the day" or "this is the decision WE have made". I didn't invite a sibling to my wedding but I suppose it was somewhat easier for me as we hadn't spoken in a few years. When questions/ comments came, I just said that we had no relationship and I only wanted people at my wedding that was a part of mine and my husband's lives. I was so clear in my wording that it didn't invite further discussion.

Ghekko

If it's a thing you only plan to have a small wedding anyway, then I agree that you organising it now and not telling anyone til nearer the date is the better option. Your sisters would have a field day beforehand if you don't invite them, making out that you are the bad one. Give your 3 months notice to the registrar now and then make plans for any date following that. Book a restaurant. Invite your brother from U.K. nearer the time and ask that he keep it to himself. Then tell your parents you are taking them out for dinner on the day. And don't make any excuses afterwards for the way you organised it. Tell them the truth, that you did not want your sisters there or for them to have any part in ruining your special day. As regards your partners family, give them notice if there is no chance of them telling your sisters.

TimesArrow

Congratulations! agree with a lot of the comments here. Ultimately, it's about what you and your partner really want. many families/siblings ( I know this!) just don't along unfortunately and I would say you are under no obligation to invite your sisters. I've been at weddings where all family members were not there for one reason or another. If I were you, I would certainly tell your parents and while they may be upset or disapprove, it's your wedding day and really that's all that matters. As the for the "small town" thing, don't get me started! This is one thing I don't miss about Ireland. Ask yourself, do you really care what the neighbours think? I would say most people are caught up in their own lives anyway. Best of luck with everything

DeiseMoll

DeiseMoll wrote: »

Last February was one of those times and it was the final straw for me ... I have talked it over with my partner and I don't want them in my life any more.

Plan the wedding you want. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. Talk to your brother and your parents and explain the situation.

I wouldn’t give your sisters the satisfaction of trying to do a “secret wedding” just because of them. In fact, if it was me, I would take great pride in doing what I want and excluding them. And the parents would just have to deal with it. They are at least partly responsible for creating this situation in raising these two nasty pieces of work.

Xterminator

Hi Op

would you consider getting married abroad? It makes for a wonderful wedding, and can remove the whole whos invited stress.

then when you get back you can invite the parents out for a family dinner, without being seen to exclude anyone & not asking parents to take sides.

OP its possible make plans that suit you, and don't cause you stress.

What i would never recommend you do is make plans to settle scores as your better off taking the moral high ground.

LegacyUser

Congratulations OP on your engagement!

I was in a similar situation to you 4 years ago. I had a very bad falling out with one of my sisters and decided I couldn’t possibly invite her to my wedding.

I can understand the reasons why you want to exclude you sisters but be aware that the fallout could potentially be very damaging and far reaching.

In my case my decision not to invite one sister has contributed to our family being ripped apart and the biggest losers were my parents who are in their early 70s.

When I made my decision to exclude one of my sisters from my wedding, the rest of the family took turns on a weekly basis trying to persuade me to invite her. In the end another sister who I’ve always had a great relationship with came to me and said that she understood it was my wedding and I could invite or exclude who I wanted but she wasn’t comfortable with our other sister being excluded and wouldn’t be attending my wedding with her husband and three children. I don’t have any bad feeling towards this sister as I believe she honestly felt torn between two sisters and perhaps she thought that I might change my mind and invite our other sister.

We had a lovely wedding day but if I’m brutally honest the big talking point amongst the guests was my sisters absence and how sad it was for the whole family, particularly my parents. There were a few upsetting times during the day like when my husband was having a photograph taken with his entire family. I chose not to have a picture taken with my brother and parents. The speeches were difficult too, when my father welcomed my husband to our family I had to fight back tears. My mother ended up crying in the middle of the dance floor later in the evening because she felt in someway to blame for now being able to reunite us all.

It’s been 4 years since my wedding and my relationship with my parents and brother has changed. If feel they hold me partly responsible for the mess our family has become. For example:

There have been births, communions, confirmations, special birthdays and only half the family attend. Little cousins don’t meet at birthday parties etc. My parents are beyond devastated.

Looking back now, I wish I had done things differently. Now that I have two young children I miss having my sister(s). I speak occasionally to the sister (who opted out on principle) but there is so much hurt on all sides, things will never be the same.

You have a big decision to make, I don’t envy you. Take your time and think very carefully. If I was getting married over again, I would have invited my sister to attend (but I’d have excluded her from the important roles - Matron of Honour, readings etc). I would also have given a foreign ceremony more thought Sit down with your fiancé and write an honest ist of pros and cons for inviting or excluding your sisters.

Good luck OP, I wish you and your fiancé years of health and happiness.

Zorya

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

would you consider getting married abroad? It makes for a wonderful wedding, and can remove the whole whos invited stress.

then when you get back you can invite the parents out for a family dinner, without being seen to exclude anyone & not asking parents to take sides.

OP its possible make plans that suit you, and don't cause you stress.

What i would never recommend you do is make plans to settle scores as your better off taking the moral high ground.

Absolutely. Anything else would blight your own happiness. Agree totally

baby and crumble

One thing I will say OP is if you have the wedding here in Ireland it's entirely feasible they might show up. A wedding ceremony here is open to the public, that's the law. We had randomers from my wife's local area come to our ceremony even though they weren't invited, and there wasn't really anything we could do about it. They heard about it and decided to come for a gawk. It's what was traditionally done when there were local weddings in the local church, some people have serious neck though - considering we literally planned for our guests and no more in our hotel. They ended up putting extra chairs in whcih meant our aisle was way smaller than we'd practiced with lol. The afters is different as it's a private party, so you can get the hotel or restaurant or whatever to ask them to leave then.

Just something to be aware of.

valoren

Hi OP.
My wife and I had a similar situation.

To cut a long story short, my brother married a toxic bully who managed to split apart my relationship with him via lies and manipulation. I had met my wife via the same sister in law. She started working in the same office as my wife who had been there for years, we met on a night out. They became friends but this didn't last, The sister in law, a serial bully/victim, bullied and harassed my wife and when this was confronted it lead to a welcome split between us all. My brother, himself abused by his wife, backed her up completely, believed the lies he was told, smeared my wife's name and we haven't spoken since. Toxic people can only be dealt with as it were by not dealing with them. I've detailed the toxic history elsewhere but needless to say we were both finished with them.

On my wife's side of the family, her older brother has a daughter from a broken relationship he had 20 years ago. He has married since and has 3 great kids. He still tries to maintain a relationship with the daughter but it was strained at best. They were always fighting, the poor girl is a little messed up understandably. She is however close to my wife's family. After we got engaged, I was coming under misguided pressure at home to ensure that at a minimum my brother was invited so that we didn't fall out e.g."You have to invite her or he won't go", "If you invite him alone, he won't go without her" etc. It was head wrecking and unwelcome.

His wife was 100% persona non grata as was he himself was. We'd already fallen out but no one seemed to listen or accept that. The idea of playing happy families/nothing to see here was expected. On the flip side, during our wedding planning, my wife's niece was asked to be a bridesmaid. After hearing this her brother, a guy with a serious chip on his shoulder, decided that our wedding could be exploited to achieve some closure with his estranged daughter. He pretty much gave an ultimatum to us creating childish, unnecessary drama, the message, which was cowardly filtered to us through his wife, which was that he was furious that his daughter hadn't been and wasn't particularly interested in making time for his kids. If she was to be a bridesmaid and if things between her and them all wasn't sorted out come the wedding then they wouldn't be attending the wedding. Needless to say, such **** stirring nonsense wasn't welcome. The poison was that it was up to us to talk to his daughter and enable peace between them. To hell with that. We were now presented with the prospect that 5 core invitees were in all likelihood not going to the wedding. This would have upset my wife's parents, they'd have been crushed if their 3 grand kids were kept away intentionally. Like yourself, we weren't planning a big wedding, it would have been 50 people max as it was.

We had the venue booked. The church was booked. All the planning was well underway and we were presented with the above situations. One day after determining that the budget was now over 20k, we, initially and privately resolved to elope. We had gotten engaged in New York and we decided with excitement that we would get married there too. We would also go alone. As a bonus from the second we decided to do that, the bull**** drama created by others which was stressing us out dissolved immediately. To spend 20k plus on what was effectively a party but have it effectively held to ransom and sullied by disgruntled family members coupled with the fact we're both private and would have hated it anyway was an immense relief.

We booked the church in Manhattan for a private ceremony, they provided the witnesses etc. We booked a class hotel for the week, the chauffeur to the church through Times Square, we had a photographer hired for pictures, we booked the Caribbean cruise as the honeymoon and, unbelievably to me, everything went to plan. It was fabulous. When we came home we booked a private room for dinner with immediate family only (minus my brother and my wife's brother obviously). Sure some were disappointed there wasn't a big day but the interesting thing is that they really didn't mind. We did what we wanted to do and they were happy that we were happy.

That's my experience. Obviously your own will be different but my advice would be to elope. Broach the idea with your fiance. Do it yourselves or with the closest family members. Perhaps after returning you could have a private dinner at a high end place with both your parents. Make a day of it to celebrate your marriage? Do what makes you both happy. Pleasing others and going to a large expense in order to do so will inevitably lead to regret. We're married 3 years now and looking back it was the best thing to do. The money we saved in the difference helped us out when getting a house.

Nothing it seems would delight your sisters more than ruining your day particularly after you've both gone to the expense of it. Remove them from the equation and save yourself the stress and worry. Remember, you can only deal with toxic people by not dealing with them. If they get disgruntled, cause drama and trouble over getting snubbed then take it from me, that is a very positive thing as you no longer care about those people.

LegacyUser

Instead of causing strife why don't you tell your sisters what they did, tell them their behaviour isn't OK and let them apologise for their behaviour instead of ignoring them. They had drink on them, which doesn't excuse their behaviour but for you not to discuss their behaviour with them since February is even worse. Sounds like you don't want to fix things between you and your sisters.

There's two sides to every story and this is just yours. I have a sister who is leaving me out of her life as well and it's the most hurtful thing ever. She came home in a foul mood, kept it up for days and she wouldn't tell me what was up. She turned around and said she didn't have an issue with me while removing me from Facebook. A few days later she sent me a nasty threatening text message. Theres way more to what she did to me. She used my reaction against me and said it was all my fault. She dismissed me when I tried to fix things between us. I found out that she's getting married. No doubt I'll be left out of it. She's always been jealous of me so it's no surprise how she's acting towards me. She cannot stand my guts due to jealousy, she can't hide it anymore.

.......

Myself and my husband eloped partly because our idea for a small wedding was being hijacked by both his mother and his brother and they kept coming up with more and more stressful scenarios such as the mother inviting 12 people and expecting us to accommodate (this with only 30 people planned originally) and the brother sticking his oar in re speeches and outfits/photographer etc....

Neither of us were interested in entertaining any baloney so we told everyone we were having a short holiday 2 months before the wedding as work/college would prevent us from having a honeymoon afterwards. Then we phoned them from our wedding day and told them it was done.

Everyone was delighted for us, except the mother and brother. She still gives out. But you know, she would still be giving out no matter what we had ended up doing, thats just how she is.

TimesArrow

reason

Jgghj ff wrote: »

Instead of causing strife why don't you tell your sisters what they did, tell them their behaviour isn't OK and let them apologise for their behaviour instead of ignoring them. They had drink on them, which doesn't excuse their behaviour but for you not to discuss their behaviour with them since February is even worse. Sounds like you don't want to fix things between you and your sisters.

There's two sides to every story and this is just yours. I have a sister who is leaving me out of her life as well and it's the most hurtful thing ever. She came home in a foul mood, kept it up for days and she wouldn't tell me what was up. She turned around and said she didn't have an issue with me while removing me from Facebook. A few days later she sent me a nasty threatening text message. Theres way more to what she did to me. She used my reaction against me and said it was all my fault. She dismissed me when I tried to fix things between us. I found out that she's getting married. No doubt I'll be left out of it. She's always been jealous of me so it's no surprise how she's acting towards me. She cannot stand my guts due to jealousy, she can't hide it anymore.

No offence, but this comes across as a pretty hostile post towards the OP. Seems like your own family issues are influencing your comments towards the OP. And I really dont see why the onus should be on the OP to try repair or discuss things with her sisters..

Zorya

....... wrote: »

Myself and my husband eloped partly because our idea for a small wedding was being hijacked by both his mother and his brother and they kept coming up with more and more stressful scenarios such as the mother inviting 12 people and expecting us to accommodate (this with only 30 people planned originally) and the brother sticking his oar in re speeches and outfits/photographer etc....

Neither of us were interested in entertaining any baloney so we told everyone we were having a short holiday 2 months before the wedding as work/college would prevent us from having a honeymoon afterwards. Then we phoned them from our wedding day and told them it was done.

Everyone was delighted for us, except the mother and brother. She still gives out. But you know, she would still be giving out no matter what we had ended up doing, thats just how she is.

I did something similar, got married abroad, without telling anyone, because they didn't like himself (an understatement!). Later we also had a small gathering in a registry office which my parents refused point blank to attend. The only acknowledgement after that was my mother changed the addressee on the letters she wrote to me to Mrs and my married name. No mention has ever been made of my marriage in 30 years, and when my brother got married years later my mother wept loudly to the aunties at the thoughts of the first one getting hitched in the family. Hahah, gotta love Irish families!

evolving_doors

Op Your brother will probably be made to choose sides just to stir the pot too.

Save yer money and elope abroad during your honeymoon. You'd be getting no peace in yer head if it's in Ireland.

LirW

I agree with Team elopement.
If the wedding just feels you with dread there's no point. Pack your stuff and have the day YOU as a couple want.

I also have a difficult family with difficult dynamics and we were also planning a small wedding and had no joy in the process. Once we decided to scrap it all and elope we can't stop talking about it. It really might be a thing to suit you and the options are endless.
I think a wedding shouldn't be overshadowed by family troubles, it's your day and it certainly shouldn't leave a bitter taste.

Congratulations and good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all of the responses.

I think we do need to have a sit down together and decide how best to approach this.
While I don't want to upset my parents, I also don't want to have to compromise our wedding to facilitate two people that don't care about our happiness. To be perfectly honest, I doubt they would want to come at all but me refusing to invite them would fuel their fire which seems to be what they want.

I don't think I would want to elope as my partner is very close to his family and he would want them there, as would I. I would also love my brother and his family to be there too.

Thanks to I Was In Your Shoes and valoren, especially. You've given me a lot to think about from your experiences.

I also wanted to respond to the below post...

Jgghj ff wrote: »

Instead of causing strife why don't you tell your sisters what they did, tell them their behaviour isn't OK and let them apologise for their behaviour instead of ignoring them. They had drink on them, which doesn't excuse their behaviour but for you not to discuss their behaviour with them since February is even worse. Sounds like you don't want to fix things between you and your sisters.

You're right, I don't want to fix things with my sisters because this has been a repeated cycle for literal decades. This wasn't the first time I've been cornered somewhere by them and had to take them shouting in my face because I wasn't engaging in their nasty behaviour. If you think me removing myself from that toxicity is "worse" then I think we have extremely different ideas on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

To be clear, my sisters don't apologise. They are never in the wrong. They needle and dig and make bitchy comments until they some sort of reaction from me. If I shout back I'm the one being aggressive, if I remove myself from the situation I'm being rude and stubborn.

Jgghj ff wrote: »

There's two sides to every story and this is just yours.

Yes, it is. And it is an honest account of what has been going on for years. These two people been related to me doesn't mean its ok for them to be horrible to me and it definitely doesn't mean I need to let it keep happening.

Jgghj ff wrote: »

I have a sister who is leaving me out of her life as well and it's the most hurtful thing ever. She came home in a foul mood, kept it up for days and she wouldn't tell me what was up. She turned around and said she didn't have an issue with me while removing me from Facebook. A few days later she sent me a nasty threatening text message. Theres way more to what she did to me. She used my reaction against me and said it was all my fault. She dismissed me when I tried to fix things between us. I found out that she's getting married. No doubt I'll be left out of it. She's always been jealous of me so it's no surprise how she's acting towards me. She cannot stand my guts due to jealousy, she can't hide it anymore.

With the greatest of respect, that has nothing to do with my situation and it sounds to me like you should maybe start a thread of your own.

deisemum

OP I've nothing to do with my mother and some of my sisters, I've got 7 sisters and fortunately I've lived away from my home place for decades so I'm removed from all the nasty fighting.

Plan the wedding that you want, your parents will try to get you to invite the 2 sisters but my advice would be to stick to your guns because if you end up conceding you're probably going to regret it. If you stick to your guns and your parents threaten not to go to your wedding just tell them that's their choice but you're not changing your mind.

Forget worrying about what neighbours will think, they're not living your life.