Why does it hurt?

igotissues

Breaking up with husband. Together all my adult life, have kids but wrong for years.
Him: alcoholic, anger management issues, verbally abusive.
Me: not pulling my weight with home, timekeeping issues, broke his trust on a major issue.
We've been actively apart since end last year. House hunting in earnest last few weeks.

He has an old colleague he worked closely with in the UK for 2 years over this week. They're spending a lot of time together and despite his protestations, I do think there is something going on.
I shouldn't care but I do. Why?

seenitall

Because, if it's true that there's something going on between them, it means he's emotionally moved on more quickly than you have.

Jealousy doesn't necessarily have to do anything with love. It can simply be a case of envy, competitiveness or insecurity.

QueenRizla

I’d say you should focus on your kids well being, sounds like they’ve been absolutely dragged through the wars, instead of getting emotional over him bringing someone new into the dysfunctional mix. Those poor kids need to be priority now, good knows what they’ve witnessed and the damage done.

igotissues

@ seen it all. I guess maybe I hoped against hope that we could patch things up.we have both made good inroads to issues. I am more punctual and involved and he has stopped drinking. My staying away was to stay away from him.

@queen rizla. Absolutely. The kids have always been the priority in this.
I actually had written a far longer, more meandering post but it got lost in the megapixels somewhere which went through a whole range of emotions. It's been a really tough few weeks for everyone.
This just crystalises his attitude for me and it upset me.
I genuinely believe the kids will be better off when we are separated. We are in agreement about co parenting etc. Just a case of 2 people being incompatible and a sense of (misplaced?) pervading sadness about the whole thing

QueenRizla

Get into mediation, this coparenting situation could get very nasty and the kiddies used as collateral with all the issues you two had, especially as he seems to be keen to jump into another relationship and you are feeling sidelined by him.
I’d say ye need help with healthy parenting structures so the, drinking, abuse, housework and timekeeping don’t leave the even kids more neglected. Get some counseling too ASAP.

igotissues

Thank you. I appreciate practical advice. :-)
We are in mediation as we are both poor communicators- him in particular, but I would say that wouldn't I ;-)
He refuses to talk about anything at all except during mediation. But will throw in hurtful jibes while there.

QueenRizla

Ye might be better off limiting communication to mediation. Especially if ye are poor communicators and a history of verbal abuse. See what options for counseling the kids and yourself. I have a friend who grew up in a similar household she told me recently her therapist said she has PTSD, I’d well believe it, she struggles terribly with her emotions, but she is doing better thankfully.

If you focus fully on their future rather than what he is up to it will hep minimize the impact on you if that makes sense. Eventually you will be glad it’s someone else not you he is hooking up with.

ginandtonicsky

Well it's the end of an era and the end of your hope, however misplaced, that the family unit could be restored and you might get back together again.

Given his addiction, do you think there might be codependency issues on your side? It's something I'd recommend working through with a therapist because living with an alcoholic is a very damaging experience and the fallout can be lifelong if it's not dealt with properly in the aftermath. That goes for the kids too -
children of alcoholics can suffer lifelong repercussions too.

Be kind to yourself. You built a life and a family with this man and I can't imagine you wanted or expected things to end this way. It takes time - often longer than you expect or want - to begin to move on and rebuild, but rest assured that the old adage really is true - time is a healer.

I was in a far shorter relationship that you, no kids involved, it ended almost a year and a half ago and it's taken me this long to begin to function in an emotionally balanced and healthy way such that I can put myself out there again. A year of wild mood swings, from laughter to tears in moments, relentless sadness, depression, the end of a relationship is really like a bereavement and it will happen in unpredictable stages. One day I woke up and realised...I'm ready. I'm done mourning. It may take some time to get there, but you absolutely will and you'll be stronger for it. Look after yourself x

igotissues

Thanks G&t sky.
I just feel so humiliated. Pretending all weekend. He introduced her to the kids and then drops her back and comes back and stays here (we're still living together)
His timing stinks.

mrmorgan

<MOD SNIP>

Commanchie

mrmorgan wrote: »

<MOD SNIP>

If I was a mod Id ban you for this.

Are you aware of the OP state of mind?
How she is coping?

Your lack of respect for women is bad and im a bloke

Commanchie

mrmorgan wrote: »

Ah i bet she laughed

Highly unlikely.

woodchuck

@mrmorgan - your post does not meet the standards for PI. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

woodchuck

A second thread was started by the OP and moved here from AH:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057923993

However we'll keep this original thread open and the new thread closed so that there is only one thread open on the topic.

witchgirl26

OP ultimately course it's going to hurt if you think he's moving on. Even if he isn't, you think he has and that is bound to hurt. Especially if you harboured any hopes of a reconciliation. Realistically though if you've been separated for a year, no matter what is or isn't happening with the ex-colleague, then chances of reconciling were low.

Don't focus on what may or may not be happening with an ex-colleague. Maybe they are just friends and he's spending time with them because they are over here to see him and there's nothing more going on at all. Maybe there is something going on but he's trying to keep it private which is also fair enough. You're not together anymore so what he does romantically with someone is not your concern really anymore, as much as that might hurt. And it works the other way round too.

Why do you feel humiliated though? If she's just a friend, introducing her to the kids might have just seemed quite normal. Also dropping her where she's staying and coming back to where he lives shouldn't be a problem. In fact, if they are together, that shows a little level of respect for not shoving your face in it.

Ursus Horribilis

Having read your two threads, I think the sooner you can find somewhere else to live the better it will be for you all. Even though you've split from your husband, your other thread almost reads like a report from a private detective. He's now your ex but you're still regarding him as a partner of some sort. Putting it bluntly, it's no longer your concern what he does or who he sees. But of course, when it's going on right under your nose and in your house it's a different matter entirely. Putting geographic distance between you and him would be a very good start. Your lives are still too enmeshed and the lines are blurred.

igotissues

I think there are 2 issues.
1. I feel hurt he has moved on and not sure why. I know my reasons for not wanting to be with him but at the same time we were actually getting on quite well due to him being dry at the moment.

2. It's the lies. He continued to lie and make me feel irrational and doubt myself.
He did this throughout our relationship. Gaslighting me so I felt I was the crazy one. Or screaming at me so I'd back off about his boozing. Or blame me or point at soemthing I did to deflect blame / attention off him.

He did all of this the whole week she was here.
And then dropped the hand on me as well!!

So it's this but without any obvious reason behind it. He doesn't care for me any more so why bother lying ?
He is def with her despite his protestations and lies. I saw a message come in where he said he missed her already only an hour after dropping her to the airport.

He made me feel like a crazy haridan even tho I was right all along. Why do that? It's sad eno9ygh he has moved on without compounding it by lies and gaslighting

witchgirl26

igotissues wrote: »

I think there are 2 issues.
1. I feel hurt he has moved on and not sure why. I know my reasons for not wanting to be with him but at the same time we were actually getting on quite well due to him being dry at the moment.

2. It's the lies. He continued to lie and make me feel irrational and doubt myself.
He did this throughout our relationship. Gaslighting me so I felt I was the crazy one. Or screaming at me so I'd back off about his boozing. Or blame me or point at soemthing I did to deflect blame / attention off him.

He did all of this the whole week she was here.
And then dropped the hand on me as well!!

So it's this but without any obvious reason behind it. He doesn't care for me any more so why bother lying ?
He is def with her despite his protestations and lies. I saw a message come in where he said he missed her already only an hour after dropping her to the airport.

He made me feel like a crazy haridan even tho I was right all along. Why do that? It's sad eno9ygh he has moved on without compounding it by lies and gaslighting

But OP you have no proof that he is actually lying about this. You said yourself, he has no reason to at all so why are you so sure that he is having a relationship with this person? It could genuinely be a close friendship and the relationship aspect is one that you've created in your mind. I say I miss my friends when I don't see them that often & I've only just left. It doesn't mean anything.

I'd also slightly question how you saw his messages.

Maybe in an odd way he is trying to protect your feelings *if* he has moved on. Maybe he felt it wasn't fair to make a deal of it. Or maybe there isn't anything. He might want there to be, but maybe there's just a friendship there. If the person was a male would you be even looking at it that close?

Look I'm not saying you don't have a right to your hurt but realistically you are focusing way too much on this and don't have a right to demand answers or what you perceive as the truth from him anymore.

Ursus Horribilis

You're still acting as if he is your partner though. If you have split, then what he does isn't really your concern. You sound like you're better off without him. I think getting him out of your house and separating properly is where your energies should lie, not trying to make sense of his actions. From what you've told us, he couldn't lie straight in the bed if he tried.

igotissues

Sorry, I posted on another thread about the lying. I don't see the denial of the relationship as a lie per se.
His lies are things like he said he wasn't doing anything but he booked a musical show for them, and then said, No, **insisted**, he had told me. Making me feel mad.
Said that he went to take away close to his mum's where she was staying but actually went to a local one and brought her to the local "meeting" spot. Denied it to the hilt despite leaving the receipt on the counter.
That sort of thing.

I saw message coz our child was on the phone and a message from her popped in. My child opened it and next message up was his saying Missing you already.

Anyway, the majority of the posts on here amd other thread feel that we're split so I should back off.

My 1 and 2 still stand tho. Even point 1 is irrational, point 2 is designed to make me feel so even tho I'm not "imagining" things.

Ursus: I want to. I'll even agree to sell the house but he wants to stay for a few years and save and buy bigger.
If I say no, I look irrational (saving is sensible, won't somebody think of the children, I'm a spendthrift etc)
and also I'm afraid to push him too far given his bad temper.
Tbh, I'm surprised he's not dying to get out of the house so he can move on.
I feel he may hang on as he'll get a bigger slice of the pie in a few years and I'll be worn out emotionally and roll over.

Ursus Horribilis

Sounds more like he's suiting himself. If he has to move out it'll cost him money. Plus, if he continues to live at home he has somewhere to live if his new romance(s) go wrong. There is no guarantee house prices will continue to go up either. You could be putting yourself through unnecessary stress for nothing.

Have you been for counselling?

witchgirl26

OP - those lies though are not your problem. Nor your concern. He may have reasons for them but it shouldn't concern you where they went for dinner or what they did.

Why would he want to wait, save and buy bigger if realistically what you both need is 2 smaller houses as there won't be as many people living in them? You won't look irrational at all if you say no. You do not have to stay living with someone you have been separated from for over a year. If you're that afraid of his bad temper, maybe get some legal advice as to where you stand in relation to all this and bring that to him. Especially if you think he's doing this to manipulate you into giving in later on.

Look to be honest, I've known people who separated and lived in the same house (I won't say together because they had separate lives) and made it work as they had to due to negative equity. But their relationship ended because they just fell out of love and there was little animosity between them. It was still awkward and hard. The situation you've described is toxic for everyone and you both need to get out of it for your own sakes and for that of your children.