Serious anxiety about moving in together

LegacyUser

I adore my boyfriend. I literally have no words to adequately describe how happy we make each other and how well suited we are. We're in our mid-thirties and together a year and a bit. We're in the process of moving in to his house and I was not expecting to feel the terror that I am feeling.

I too have my own house in Dublin and we've decided to leave that vacant for the first few months to see how we get along. This is a really sensible thing to do, I get that, but the fact that we've discussed this and made a plan to have that safety net has made the stakes seem really high. Also, he has said things like "in case we kill each other" in relation to this.

We both live alone and have done for the last 2+ years. I've lived with a partner before, he hasn't. We went on a long-haul holiday a few months in to our realtionship and we spent 3 weeks together, i learnt he is an introvert and although he states this holiday was when he really realised I was "The one" we've also laughed that he was ready to throw me out the window....I just didn't get his whole need to be alone and I actually took offence because he wasn't telling me, he was just being all grumpy

Anyway, we know each other a lot better now, i can read the ques and I have a ton of hobbies in addition to work which mean I won't actually be there a whole lot to grate on him...but I don't know, it just feels like everything is so perfectly wonderful and amazing right now....i'm so terrified it will all go wrong and we will break up. I actually woke up last night with palpitations, i'm getting so stressed out because we are at an age where we have to do this to progress our relationship and also, it just feels weird not living together because we're so close.....

I'm just so scared. Is this normal or a really bad sign?

_Whimsical_

I'd be a little concerned about you saying that you will be out quite a bit so won't grate on him too much.

That doesn't sound like you expect to feel at home there, that it'll be the place you kick off your own shoes and relax and give out a bit about work if you need etc and feel free to be yourself.

You can't go into this treading on eggshells hoping not to annoy your partner. It might be normal to have some anxieties but this seems a little different, you're not expressing any concerns about your needs being met, or maybe you won't enjoy some aspect, you're entirely focused on living up to an ideal that suits him. Maybe you need a bit more time? It sounds a little bit like you need to talk to him and find a bit more balance between both of your needs, he needs to respect that it will be your home and that you can't be watching constantly for cues he might be getting grumpy so you can head for the door. Maybe he needs to speak up if he wants space and reign in the grumpy and worry a bit about making you comfortable before you move in. Maybe you need to learn to ignore his little weird habits and overlook them to the point that they don't affect how you behave. Either way though it sounds like you need an honest chat and some time.

There is no time where it becomes something you have to do or you should be doing or it would be silly not to do. You do it when you know you want to make your home with someone, when your life would be better with them than without them. There's no stopwatch. Someone said to me recently that the only place you ever really find peace is your home and the grave, and it's true. You owe it to yourself to make sure your home is a happy peaceful place that you feel at home in.

Mr. Incognito

You are leaving your "home" for his. Until you settle and it starts to feel like a joint home these feelings are normal

I would be fearful about leaving your property vacant. It gives you an out to run instead of staying and sorting it out if you have a fight.

If you are going to commit to it then give that vacant property a timeline of 8 weeks or so and then it goes up for rent.

ElizaBennett

These are very normal feelings and I would strongly recommend you expect challenges and prepare for them. It may be very bumpy at first. I was like your bf in our situation. An introvert and he was moving into my home. I found it incredibly hard to share my space and went through a bit of a nightmare even though I love him very much. We're very happy now but there were times that we both suffered. He felt down and rejected and I felt smothered. I was utterly depressed about how little alone time I had. The good news is that I did adjust after about 18 months. Now I rarely freak out lol..
You need to plan times that he can be alone so he can have those to look forward to. Doesn't have to be that often. Msybe one afternoon a week or one overnight a month. It'll really help I believe. Planning is key.

Xterminator

Hi Op

why the change?

If everything is wonderful and your both happy. Are you just doing what is expected of you, or did you sit down and decide it was a good idea? I get that you might just have a few doubts but reading your post it could be more than that.

lulu1

OP would your boyfriend be able to move into your house it might make things easier for you

Alf Veedersane

A lot of it could be just simply because he has never lived with a partner so everything was always on his terms and the holiday was very different. It's a big adjustment. That's not to say it excuses being a bit of a dick about it.

I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out or finding things to do to make sure you're not 'encroaching' on his need to have some time to himself. There are two people in the relationship.

I would expect that things settle down fairly quickly. They should. If they don't, and you're expected to change too much of your ways to accommodate his, then there's a problem.

But I would just be up front about acknowledging the adjustment but a relationship should be adding to both your lives.

never_mind

OP, I could have written that a year and a half ago. I love my own space and I think I might be like your bf in many ways. I was concerned about that too but it’s all about having your own life as well as sharing yours with his. Now a year and a half in we are looking to buy together and got on perfectly! If you can do a 3 week holiday you can live together.

Give it a go for at least 6 months. All else fails you move back to your house and you continue your relationship in seperate houses. I know a few long term couples who have this set up and it works for them so don’t let society tell you otherwise!

Either way, OP, your post has no red flags about your relationship, it just seems you are naturally anxious about the move. Chin up and bring on the change!

witchgirl26

OP I can understand your concerns but I do agree with the others that you might be over doing the planning not to be there too much so as to give him his space. My OH needs his space at times and I totally get that but I just often will leave him off in another room or something like that. I don't need to go out or plan to be out loads. It takes a bit of time to get into that rhythm with each other so there might be rows about it all but just try to actually talk about it.

I also wouldn't be worried about his comment of "in case we kill each other". We had similar because we were both used to our own space. You possibly will kill each other. It's normal! You're both used to doing things at home a certain way and now you are trying to combine those.

It is an anxious time, course, but try to enjoy it as well.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have all been very helpful.

Well, after a few drinks at the weekend I confessed all my anxiety and fears about the move, the grating on him, the fear that he'd be grumpy and I would take it upon myself to go out and drive around in circles for a few hours in case I was getting in his way...

As it turns out, he was horrified that I could possibly be feeling like that and really went out of his way to demonstrate how excited he is to have me around full-time. He also said that if he starts feeling awkward he appreciates it's more likely to be down to his own issues so he can work away in his office or go out...

I also had a chat with my best friend who reminded me about my similar anxieties when I was moving in to my home that I bought on my own. So maybe I'm just a bit of a stress-head.

Hopefully it will all work out but I guess if we can't love together it was never meant to be in any case.

Thanks all